Hi everyone! If I could express my shock that I would even join a board entitled "exmormon.org" it would be crazy haha.

I have been raised in the church, both of my parents are converts. I'm 17, the same age my mom was when she chose to leave the Catholic religion and join the Mormon church.

I'm a lesbian. I came out to my parents a few months ago, and they were both very accepting and loving. I have ALWAYS had a huge issue with the church's stance on homosexuality, but when I came out it amplified about 10000%.

I've realized in the last few weeks that I'm kind of tired of being Mormon. I'm tired of feeling like I have to dress like a loser to be 'modest' (seriously - my prom dress goes to the floor, covers an entire shoulder and shows no boobage, and yet it's 'immodest'? okay.), I'm tired of having to hide myself, and I'm tired of having to defend my beliefs to the public - beliefs that I honestly don't really hold anymore. Someone once said to me "Just because the gospel is perfect doesn't mean the people are" and that kept me going to church for a long time. But lately I'm just done.

I live in New Jersey, the LDS population is VERY small. I'm the only Mormon in my high school. I'm upset because I feel like the church has been a huge part of my identiy for my entire life. I know how much it means to my parents, and I know that they both risked being disowned by their parents for leaving the Catholic church (they were not disowned) so that my brother and I would have better lives - "the truth."

I'm a VERY spiritual person. I believe that there is a God out there, or at least something. I believe in a lot of the values that the church teaches - family values, some of the Word of Wisdom, etc, and intend to raise my kids accordingly. But I don't like having to leave church practically crying every week over something that SOMEONE said. I always feel like I'm living up to the expectations of someone else, and it's beginning to get in the way of my life.

I've explained to my parents that sooner or later I'm going to have to choose between the church and my life (because I'm gay) and I've made it pretty clear what my choice will be. I'm moving to Chicago in the fall for school, so I'm thinking that's probably when I'll go 'inactive'. I know my parents are dissapointed, but what's most important to them is that I'm happy (I'm very blessed to have them). Now, though, I have the fear of "what if I'm wrong and I'm condemning myself to outer darkness for eternity?"

Sigh. Not sure. This is very hard, it's not something I talk about EVER. I've been reading the posts on here for a few days, and it seems like pretty much everyone is really nice. Not gonna lie, when I first saw this website I thought it'd be full of a bunch of hardcore Athiest anti-Mormon propeganda spewers LOL. I'm VERY relieved to see that it's not that at all, just a bunch of NORMAL people.

Thank you for letting me 'vent.' this is something I'll be working on for a long time, and I definitely don't think it'll be easy.

So hold on!! BUT you aren't going to outer darkness because you leave the LDS church.

SLDrone wrote a really good thread/response to a gay missionary when he was a mission president. I don't know if it is archived here or not. Maybe SLDrone will be on today and can re-post that story.

I am the ex-wife of a gay man. I found myself OUT of the church because of how they handled us. I knew before I married him and we worked with church leaders. That was 26-1/2 years ago that I married him. After what we both went through--including what our children have been through, I could NOT continue to believe in mormonism. It was a gradual process. The first thing I had to do was go inactive--which I did at the time I knew our marriage was falling apart. As time went on and I was busy taking care of my children, I lost beliefs.

When it comes to mormonism and being gay--"you can't make sense of nonsense."

The LDS church has NO ANSWERS for your situation or mine--in fact, they have the WRONG answers--and following their teachings in this matter alone will lead you to a lot of unhappiness. I have an ex-SIL who is lesbian and is still married at age 62--and she and her husband have only had sex once (don't ask me how I know this). I have a cousin who got married in her 20s and is now divorced and "married" to her partner for 12 years now--and they are VERY HAPPY. She also is very spiritual (as am I).

Take baby steps. That is the best advice I can give you--take baby steps. My first was to read dialog and Sunstone. Then it was to stop paying tithing. The best step I took was to go inactive. The programming dies once you quit going back for your weekly dose of indoctrination. I have been inactive/resigned in January 2011--for over 15 years.

This place is full of Normal people. We have different opinions about stuff, and we discuss stuff too.

Someone else comments that this place "isn't Sunday School." So, you will have to defend your position and arguments when questioned. As opposed to Sunday School where everyone just sits around and agrees with everyone else.

Welcome!

All your expressions are so familiar. I recall thinking and feeling as you have described during my journey out of TSCC.

Please know that it is so much better on the other side. A lifetime of cult programming takes time to unwind and disable. So many irrational fears and twisted emotional "hooks" to untangle.

Be clear about a few things though . .

Most here would encourage you to do the real research work. Step through the arguments and assertions for TSCC's validity. Prove to your self that they are either true or false. This exercise really helps.

www.mormonthink.org

Also, do the organizational research. Look at how TSCC conducts itself and at how it controls people and families. Lots of religions are false, but far fewer are damaging and dangerous.

www.howcultswork.com

I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

R.

Your prom dress will display one naked shoulder????!!! Harlot!!!! Just kidding :-)

I'm a non-mo so my perspective on the LDS church is an outsider's one. Moving away from home for college will be a good opportunity for you to establish a life that does not involve the Mormon church. College for me was an opportunity to start over among a group that didn't know me in HS, where I was kind of dork.

From what I've read on this board for the past two years, the fact that you live in NJ is a good thing. Your not surrounded by Mo's- I presume most of your friends are not Mormon. Also, it seems like Mormon's outside the Utah-Idaho-AZ motherland are more in touch with the non-mo world around them. That probably helped your parents in their acceptance of your sexuality. A lot of gay posters on this board who grew up in the Mo corridor did not find such acceptance from their families. Many times the church comes before family.

givemethismoment Wrote:
>
"what if I'm wrong and I'm condemning
> myself to outer darkness for eternity?"
>
>

First of all, I *wish* I had been as level headed as you when I was 17. Seriously. There are many things that I could comment on from your post but the line I quoted above stands out above everything for me. I hear you. I'll spare you all the details of my own story about leaving the church, but I will say that the spirit behind the question you asked is the very thing that led me to some dark places.

After spending my whole life hearing how true joy and everlasting happiness are only found within the church it was a deeply embedded belief. Long after I had rejected the story of Jospeh, and the rest of the gospel, I subconsciously held on to the belief that my choices no longer really mattered. I was doomed to a life of unhappiness because I no longer believed. Holding on to that belief enabled me to make choices that were not in my best interest, which of course fueled my family's belief that if only I'd come back, life would be better.

I feel like it's only been in the last 5 years (out of 16/17) that I have finally been able to reject the belief that I'm doomed to unhappiness. In fact, I am very happy. I still struggle with untangling some of the pieces of who I am as opposed to who I'm "supposed" to be but I kind of think that's just part of being human, not just a recovering Mormon.

To borrow from the recent campaign aimed at GLTB youth I say "It gets better." I think you are on the track to an authentic life and nothing can beat the joy that comes from that.

I'm tired of the "imperfect people, perfect church"

They say they are Christians, yet they are super judgmental, during my exit speech I will say to them "Is this how a christian acts? Only loves someone who's like them? If that's the way Christians are, I don't want to be one."

The only perfect Mormons I've met, are the ones who don't take the religion so far that they still allow themselves to think. I'm 16 and joined the board about a month ago. You may find my recent posts contain a LOT of swearing. Don't be alarmed, not all youth leaving the church are like that, I'm just trying to find myself after being stuck in this church I'm just experiencing a new language.


And I support you being lesbian as much as the church despises PLUS 1000000000000000%


I'm happy for you that the farthest date you get to leave is in fall. You're life will be amazing I bet. I can't say from experience, but many many others on this board say they can. For now, I'm supporting you. Welcome to the board!

It's not an irrevocable decision. If you decide to go back some day, they will gladly take you back. Yes, the church likes to act like it's the nasty, evil end for anyone who walks away. They like to pretend repentence doesn't exist. That's just a control tactic. If Mormonism turns out to be true, then so are their principles of agency, repentance and forgiveness. Go. Take a full break from the church. Figure out what you really believe when no one is telling you what to believe.

I am an incredibly happy heathen nevermo and I promise you there is life and happiness and joy without the church, and in my case, without religion of any flavor. Moving to a new city will be a big change but an awesome one!! Enjoy your new city, your new freedoms and new people. College rocks. You sound very smart and grounded and like you have an accepting family, which is huge. Out here on the left coast, being gay isn't a problem, save for the religious minority. I love and accept my gay peers and I think you'll find the same acceptance when you move to a large city.

Every time I see a new young kid posting on here it warms my heart. Good luck with everything!!!

Which exit?

Welcome to the board. I am so glad to hear your parents are loving and kind as well they should be.

Be true to who you are and what your heart knows to be right.

One of my lesbian friends has a bumper sticker that says, "Speak your mind even if your voice shakes." (I now have the same quote as a fridge magnet, that's how cool I am!)

Our stray mutt has an excellent point. If you do however, wind up in outer darkness, I will be there too and I will make you some cookies!

Another amazing teen that is way ahead of most of us. What I wouldn't have given to have had your doubts even 10 years ago. I'm 58.

Welcome to the board. When I first started lurking here I just knew there were going to be a bunch of stupid,angry exmormons. Wow....was I wrong. You won't find more intelligent people ANYWHERE. And we all care and try to help in anyway we can. Just come here when ever you need support and comfort. It really works.

And anon123 I was wrong. On another post I mentioned I thought ou were 21. You are 16. That absolutely blows me away. Such maturity in one so young is not common.

No biggy, I feel obliged to be taken as a 21 year old. :D

I joined as a young adult in 1969, in the Eatontown ward. In 2000 I officially resigned, amazingly from the same ward, after having lived in the West for 30 years. My Ex & I had moved there for work at Fort monmouth.

Support for gays and lesbians is increasing out there, as you've seen from your parents' acceptance. BTW, Ocean Grove and Asbury Park, at the Jersey shore, are meccas for LGBTs. I had 15 LGBT neighbors by the time I moved from there in Oct.2010. One couple even drove me to the airport shuttle on the day I left.

You are fortunate to have realized early on that it's not for you. Best wishes as you transition to your new adventures.

Thank you very much, everyone! Everyone is so nice and your advice and ecouraging words are so helpful. I truly appreciate it!

I think my first step needs to be to block the idea that by reading things that don't hold the church in the highest esteem is going to get me sent to hell, because I'd really like to visit the websites you've shared with me LOL!

cl2 - thank you! I can't imagine how hard that journey must have been for you and your family. thank you for sharing your story with me and for the website links!

raptorjesus - LOL at your username! and thank you!

rodolfo - it's funny how even though I've realized that the church is indeed a cult, when I read the word 'cult' I automatically went on the defense. I'm betting that's one of those things that will take a while to shake! Thank you very much for the website & the welcome!

janebond462 - thanks! I think you're right that it is good that I'm in NJ, because you're right, my only Mormon friends are those in the church, and I don't hang out with them outside of church. It's tough though because I feel like the NJ Mormons are kind of trying to 'live up' to those in Utah, and are even more conservative (if it's possible ;))

fallenangela - Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and the welcome! and that is a wonderful campaign - that you for reminding me of it. :)


anon123 - thank you very, VERY much! :) I'm excited to see someone else my age! Trust me, I won't be shocked by the cursing. I totally get the trying to figure yourself out!

Stray Mutt - this is so true! thank you very much!

zarahemwhat - your name makes me laugh. There are some very clever people here! haha. thank you SO much for the kind words - I appreciate them so much!

msmom - "which exit?" LOL! Thank you very much! that is a *wonderful* quote, I am going to remember that one!

loveskids - thank you very, very much!! I'm glad to be here. :)

Carol Y. - How fun to meet someone origionally from the area! :) I go to the East Brunswick ward. I don't know how it was set up when you were here, but there are some rumors that in the next 2 weeks or so they're going to announce that they're separating the EB stake into EB and Eatontown to make it a little smaller. Thank you for the tips on the gay friendly areas, I knew that Asbury Park has a pride parade but that's about where my knowledge ends. Thank you!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2011 02:35PM by givemethismoment.

I felt the same way about the word cult for quite awhile. Take your time with it.

My brother came out to our family several years ago, and it was in coming to accept and support his love and life with his partner that I came to recognize that the church is wrong in their position against homosexuality. I was disgusted by the church's support of Prop 8, and the homophobic diatribes that came down from the pulpit were more than I could take.

There are many, many supportive and open communities out there, both religious and nonreligious, that you may join. Your sexuality is natural, the church is wrong, and you have the right to align yourself with people who will accept you and embrace you for who you are and who will not judge you based on who they think you should be.

College is a great time to start figuring out how you want to live your own, independent, adult life. You may have to attend church on your trips home, but most of the time you will be able to do as you please. You will find lots of other students who are going inactive from the religion or denomination of their births and/or exploring new philosophies or religious choices. I think that you will find lots of kindred spirits.

I would encourage you, if you are at all able, to take college classes in Eastern religions and philosophies (Buddhism, Confucionism, Taoism, Shinto, etc.,) Chinese and Asian art (which reflect the associated philosophies and religions,) and Jesus and the New Testament.

All of the above classes would allow you to take a step back from the religion of your birth, and allow you to get some much-needed perspective.

If you believe in a God who is more spiritually advanced than you, then does it make any sense that he would consign you to outer darkness because you do not subscribe to a particular denomination's tenants? Or would he instead be a God of tolerance and acceptance?

I think that the Mormon concept of "outer darkness" is merely used as a scare tactic to keep members in the fold. If the church has to scare people to stay in, what does that have to say about what it can offer in terms of spiritual education? Why must the church use guilt and fear in order to "educate"?