I'm guessing this scene has been repeated by many on this board:

late at night ... laying in bed. Can't sleep so you end up talking to your spouse about your doubts and it all comes out like a flood.

Finally had the guts to tell her that in the last few weeks I've become convinced that the church is not true.

Of course she surprises me with doubts of her own and her fear of throwing it all away.

Where ever this leads (exmo, NOM, inactive), I'm glad I at least have my great wife with me.

That is great....she had doubts too. I am thinking this may work out for you even if the process is slow. When you know the church is not true, it just isn't right to fake it with a spouse. Keep us posted.

Hang in there. That's kind of how it started with my wife and I. The key for us was to do own independent study, then talk about it after.

Ultimately, it was my wife's choices, research, and hard work that led to her decision to leave the church. She took a slightly different path than I did. It was interesting sharing findings and talking about the philosophical side of it.

So so often we hear about the church splitting families when one person has doubts. Often DW or DH has to choose between the church or his/her spouse.

Great to hear that your DW can also see through the BS.

You have my best wishes, where ever you both go from here

It was about one of those ironic situations where each spouse was keeping deep doubts secret for fear of how the other would react. It doesn't work out that way very often, but it looks like you have something like it. Sure beats the usual reaction. I wish both of you the best.

Not only is my DH absolutely sure, he doesn't want to hear anything that will make him doubt. He's going to have to find out on his own, if possible. He's OK with my decision and OK with being semi-active/inactive. But he still believes and wants the kids to believe. Thankfully, he lets them make up their own minds.

You have something to work with. As long as you go slowly and let her work things out for herself, so she doesn't feel like you are pushing her, she will probably come out of the church. You've got time and she sounds smart. Good luck - I'm happy for you.

I'm envious of you both.

Didn't work out that way for me. Subtle hints of even the softer issues brought about strong condemnation of me for daring to think negatively. I never brought them up again, living in the exmo closet, and the marriage fell apart anyway due to other controlling behaviors.

Best wishes to you both.

Lucky you, TS! Enjoy the new life :)

It was something like that with my wife as well. I told her I'd just found out some nasty things about the church and that we're not going to church next sunday. So she's cooking or something and just calls from the kitchen like "ok honey, keep telling me about the stuff you find" :) So every hour or so I come back to her and tell her about new stuff I found out like the Book Of Abraham and all of Joseph Smith's wives and stuff.

She just says "yeah, I always told you I didn't like it when they say it's the only church that can lead you to heaven" and we haven't gone to church since :D

She's a convert, thru me and she's religious in a very "I just believe there's a god that loves me, that's all" way. So she had absolutely no problem with staying home on sunday mornings. She's still good friends with a lot of the girls from the church and apparently no one has a problem with our inactiveness.

In the past I have tried to gently raise issues that are clearly ones that are problems for the church. My TBM wife told me point blank that if I ever left the church, she would divorce me and take the kids for fear of my corrupting them.

Or is it just when in comes to the cult?

If it's just the cult, then you might want to read Stevan Hassan's book "Combatting Cult Mind Control" for ideas on how to get her to think without attacking the church or setting off her defenses.

If she's generally controlling/abusive, then that's another matter.

It's gotta hurt to have your wife say something like that. I'm so sorry.

She can be controlling/conditionally loving in other areas, it is definitely a part of her personality, but when it comes to the Church, there is no room for rationality with her, no room for common sense, or even debate. So it is particularly bad when it comes to the church.

Yes, it does hurt and has put me in a very tough spot. But I know that I am not the only one on this board who has experienced this.

Thanks for the words of support.

On the Fence Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My TBM wife told me point blank that if
> I ever left the church, she would divorce me and
> take the kids for fear of my corrupting them.

I got this same threat too. At first, I gave in and didn't say anything negative, played nicely, attended. By the end, when other aspects of the marriage doomed it (her controlling behavior on my life outside of church), I was ready to divorce her and told her:

"If we divorce, I will exercise parent time about half of the time, according to law. During my time, as a single divorced parent, I will teach the children my personal views as I wish without encumbrance. I'm not saying this to make you fear or threaten you. It is a matter of fact because that's what happens in divorce."

I separated a few weeks after this as her controlling only got worse. During the divorce hearings, she tried desperately to convince the judge that I was bad. She told him that I photographed models, looked at pornography, drank and perhaps even used drugs. The judge just shook his head in disbelief at her weirdness. On my turn, I denied all but the first (yes, I am a published artist) and hadn't yet started drinking socially. I explained that even if I did those things (well, the legal ones), I wouldn't involve children anymore than any other good parent that does them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/11/2010 04:34PM by Jesus Smith.

Thanks for your thoughts Jesus Smith, I see things potentially going the same way, it's just a matter of time.

Good on ya!

If that would have been the scenario with my ex, I'd have jumped her bones right then and there and we'd probably still be together.

You scored!!

Just sayin'...

Ron

I would say to still take it slow and don't rush things. Pushing things can make doubters sometimes rethink their doubts.

Best of luck to you guys.

Consider yourself lucky. Either way it is not an easy step, but do what you feel is right.