For about 8 months I have been chugging along nicely as a NOM. I had peace at home and DW was okay with my changes (stopped the Gs, tithing, nightly prayer ritual, and testifying to our dear children. DW was even starting to make some slight adjustments. But then I became more aware of two things: Joseph Smith lied and put blame on others and our loved ones actually hope something bad happens to us in order to humble us. I literally feel like I've been cursed with voodoo. I was mtn biking yesterday and a thought of family voodoo crossed my mind and I crashed (not bad). Kind of funny but one night my ability to laugh about it all wore off and I got very mad. At midnight I went outside to vent. I did one of those "why, god?" prayers looking up at the stars realizing the god doesn't exist. Next day in my anger I told DW I hate the church and need to get released from my calling. I can't keep playing the game. This really scared her because it means I'm getting out of the closet and we will be run through the rumor mill. I'm ok with the rumor mill but the problem is now DW is digging in the heels and wants to be more Mormon even though she knows the history and took the pill. For the first time, I'm seeing a struggle find it's way into our home. Any advice? Thank you!

but about 1 1/2 years later, I lost my job and they felt the time was now right to call me to repentance. So they sent me a letter questioning my character and wondering if I truly loved my family, (I'm happily married with 3 kids). It was one of the saddest days in my life.

So I decided to stop being a complete, spineless wuss. I wrote my own letter telling them they were completely out of line, that their comments were ridiculous and insulting and that they need to get over the fact that we have left the church. My mom called up crying and tried to play the martyr but I wasn't swayed. My dad also tried to put in his two cents in defense of my mom but at the end of the day they needed to know they were wrong and that their behavoir would not be tolerated. Frankly, I'm not sure I was able to change them much because they still don't always understand personal boundaries but they do know that I won't just roll over and accept their crossing of my boundaries.

Wow. My moment came when an email from my dad suggested that changes in body chemistry were normal and that I needed to go find a therapist and get on medication to make it all better.

I was lucky enough to be through the really rough spot where the rug that was my whole world view, was pulled out from under me. I was starting to smell the sweet air of truth and freedom, and my head was starting to clear (see my old hypoxia of mormonism thread--we do still have the archive right?), so I was not vulnerable. Well I threw down the gauntlet with my response and made it clear that such behavior would no longer be tolerated. Luckily proper boundaries and civil decorum have been maintained since, even with their visit last month.

And to think, how many people just go and start taking a drug to fix it all, instead of eliminating the poison causing the problem? It is all very sad.

I discovered I had a lot of bottled up anger. I had to find ways to express it that didn't harm myself or others -- because I think we really do need to let it out. Stuffing it down just makes us mentally ill.

So I'd yell when I was in the car alone. I'd go to the batting cage or driving range and smack balls, imagining them to be my enemies. Or I went to the pistol range and shot up targets. Or I took joy in stomping on the cans we were recycling. I would feel so much better afterward.

Anger is the proper response to being screwed over. That's why Mormonism is so anti-anger.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2010 10:48AM by Stray Mutt.

That's why the church is so against anger. Right on! I suspect that's also why there's a lot of suppressed anger in the church.

One of the smartest things I did (by luck, not by design) was to communicate with DW that I loved her very much and I would support her in her desired path, no matter what it was. We were able to talk about how I knew she was scared at the change, but I was also able to communicate I was more scared, and that I no longer had the comfort that there was anything after this life, that this life was all that I believe we have because that is all I have evidence of. I also told her how difficult this would be (to support her choices) because I believe, and have much evidence to support it, that a belief in mormonism is not truly benign and comes at a great cost, who's effect and affect is completely determined by the "luck of the draw" with respect to who the local leaders are. Just wanting something to be true (eternal families morg style) does not make it so, even if you want and wish for it very badly.

I was so lucky. This diffused the situation enough that it was no longer adversarial. Our marriage as a team was put back on track, and after a couple of weeks, my DW was able to accept the evidence we had both lived through and her "shelf" finally fell. The interesting thing is, she is not driven by evidence, logical conclusion and rational argument. Those processes are only a very small part of the way she processes information and comes to a conclusion. She also has to make sense of the feelings and their relationships, something I know exists, but I don't fully understand. What I am trying to say, that her small journey for us to reach the same point was very different, and it was impossible for me to force the conclusion that I would have liked, because I don't understand all of the variables, but I do understand if you think you can manipulate complex systems to a desired state with any accuracy you are more deluded than the mormon faithful.

I have observed since, that mormon couples often don't communicate, they just talk at each other. The culture does not permit you to talk about doubts and fears, and it does not matter who you marry if you go through all of the mormon pharisee rituals. Not a good recepie for success if you do not have the artificial manipulations of the pretended truth box of mormonism.

The Lakota people (commonly called the Sioux Indians) have the concept of a best friend that is a very special connection that is stronger than brotherhood and is very much bound to honor (same sex individuals in a hetero context). If you use such a concept, but apply it to a husband and wife relationship, you get what I think exists in all long term and happy marriages. They are better than best friends, and are definitely not paired together strangers. My point? You both have a choice before you now. I don't know what type of relationship you had before, but you now have to both choose what type of relationship you are going to have tomorrow. The bible writes about two people becoming one flesh in a marriage, I believe this is the concept they were talking about.

Good luck.