Long story short, I'm a non-mormon, nominally christian male (23 years old) who recently started dating a mormon girl of the same age. We've been going out ~1 month or so, and I am quite fond of her. She lives with her grandmother, sister, and a bunch of people from her uncle's family in a large duplex home. I believe that everyone there is mormon.

The girl in question doesn't smoke, drink (alcohol or caffine), curse (unless she's really pissed off, lol), or engage in sluttiness. She does go out late at night with her friends though, likes wearing short dresses and heels (I'm not complaining about that :D ), and does other things that hardliners would frown upon.

But I digress...

Because of the difference in religion, I do believe that our relationship will eventually come to an impasse. I don't want to bring it up too early and preemptively ruin what could ultimately be a meaningful relationship. On the flip side, I don't want to put it off, not address it...

(and this could happen since we're both "type b" personalities and neither of us is the type to bring up something uncomfortable unless it is direly necessary)

... and have it cause either of us, or her family, undue heartache/stress.

What type of dating /relationship milestone should I look for to bring this up to her?

If you two are happy and make it to the two month mark, you'll want to start watching closely. She will start dropping hints that she wants to be engaged. (Based on all the mormon girls I've encountered of that age group.)

How she dresses aside, you won't really know how deep she is in mormonism until the topic of marriage comes up. If she starts going on and on about how she "has to be sealed!" then my honest suggestion is to let her go find some RM. If the two of you can talk and come to some compromise or agreement that makes you both happy, then great.

If things split you up don't feel bad that she might be with some other guy within a week, that's how their culture works. I honestly hope that things go well for you.

Watch out for:
1. 2 month mark
2. Engagement "hints"
3. Offers to talk to her bishop
4. If she tries to get you to join her church repeatedly even after you've said no 2 +/- times
5. If she says that you can't go farther in your relationship unless you convert, just walk away.

I was a part of that group, luckily I came across this site along with another dozen. When I told my now ex-fiancee that I was leaving the mormon church and would never go through with a sealing, she immediately tried multiple half-baked strategies to get me to stay. None of them worked. Not even the one where she was less-than-clothed in my bed one day. She ended up on "probation", and I got my letter in May saying I was free. Shortly after the bed episode she moved to Utah and I haven't heard from her since; I expect that she is seeing someone, engaged, married and pregnant, or just pregnant.

Drop a hint or two next time you see her.

Don't take comfort in thinking the short skirts, cursing, and such mean she will be open to giving up on other mormon issues. That is very unlikely in my opinion.

Tell her you need to have a religion talk. Tell her exactly how you feel about yours and about hers - would not ever contemplate joining hers.
Find out exactly where she stands with her church.


One of two things is going on with her:
1. she sees you as convert material - you'll join for her, and she can have her temple marriage - as is her religious custom.

2. she sees you as a reason to ditch the LDS Church - she's LDS by habit, not belief

Probably it's the 1st one.

You are not on the same page, not a match. Might be fun for awhile, but she is not someone you would want to marry if she is a strong believer in the LDS claims.

If it's #2 - and she wants to explore her religion, you may be able to get her to think differently about her beliefs.

thanks guys...

@allen: There is no way she would want to get engaged in 2 weeks (we're at about a month and a half). She doesn't want to get married until she's "like 27 or 28 years old."

She's not the type that would ever try to get me to go to church with her. I'm not sure how seriously she even takes it at this point. She told me last night that she only goes to Sacrament, as she works on Sundays. She isn't even going today because she works an earlier shift today.

@cheryl: I don't have any expectations at this point. Down the road that might change. How? I don't know

Ask her if she intends to be married in the temple. Make it crystal clear for her that you will never convert for her or take her through the temple. If that is important to her you need to know.

She is still attending Sacrament Meeting, so there is still a level of attachment on her part. She grew up with a great deal of indoctrination about marrying a returned missionary in the temple. You need to find out to what degree that did or didn't take with her.

You need to start educating yourself about Mormonism. It is not like other Christian religions. Take some time to look around this site and other recommended sites.

@summer

She has alluded to doing a lot of things to make her Grandma happy (or rather to keep her from being mad). Not sure if that's one of them. Her uncle and his family who live in the other half of the home are very strict mormons, but I'm not sure how much that influences her.

I don't think she is fixated on being married in the temple. She wouldn't have spent 3 out of the last 5 years in relationships with non-mormons if that were the case. Right?

Since she doesn't want to get married for 4-5 years anyway, she might see you as "Mr. Okay For Right Now" as opposed to a possible "Mr. Right." A Mormon guy might ask her to marry him rather quickly (short courtships are often the norm in Mormonism.)

…with her.”

And that's just what she thinks and perhaps even tells you… UNTIL you two start getting serious and her grandmother, uncle and the rest of the family turn on the pressure to get you converted or drop you. Then her tune changes, to her surprise. Because while caught up in the excitement of a new boyfriend, she genuinely does not realize how important it is going to be for her to have a Mormon fiancé and the subsequent temple marriage that she and her family have always dreamed of.

Even Mormon girls who have attended church halfheartedly and irregularly suddenly feel differently about church and their future husband’s membership once it is time to get married.

Breaking up is much easier to do sooner than later. At the very least, discuss it A.S.A.P.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2010 10:52AM by WiserWomanNow.

I've seen a number of LDS girls be what would is called 'less active' (not worry too much about living the religion) in their late teen to early twenties but then head back to it full on in later years.

Knew this couple— she was raised LDS but took the Roman Holiday in here teens to early 20s and hooked up with this guy. Eventually they married and about the time they had their first kids she went back to Church. Her commitment to it grew over time— no more non-LDS approved fun, partying etc.

She convinced him to convert. He never could give up the smoking though and she came to not approved of his job that she once had no problem with— he was a tatoo artist.

Eventually she divorced him and remarried an guy who raised LDS and who did all the right stuff.

Not saying this always happens or that you guys are even thinking beyond dating but I've seen it enough to pass it on. LDS girls (and guys to a lesser degree) seem to get religion again about the time they have kids. Buyer beware.

I would do it in the middle of sex, just before she comes, suddenly stop and ask her if the church is true to continue, if she bears her testimony, drop her.

There is a possibility (probably not given your description), but still a possibility that she could try to convert you, and if she's successful, the day after you're baptized she suddenly drops the good stuff & just becomes your friend. I've seen it.

:-)

It's one way to get her done.