Posted by:
whatacrock
(
)
Date: October 13, 2010 01:15AM
So, I finally told my husband my feelings of ambivalence about the church. In previous posts, I stated that my situation is very unique and easily recognized in print by anyone who knows me (i.e. members) but at risk of exposure, I could really use some support/advice.
My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and he was practically BIC; I am a convert. We were both divorced parents, and he lives several hundred miles from me (for the past 7 mos). We both have teenagers in school, none of which wants to move to a new school. I work in my state and he works in his. I do not regret marrying him and have told him so.
Before we got married, he stated that his ex was never devout and only used the church if she needed help; she also lied to get a TR. He also stated that his dream is to serve a mission as a senior with his eternal companion. We are not sealed (he is to his ex and I am to mine). Although we have tried to get the clearance for sealing, no bishop will touch it when we are attending separate wards. I really don't think it would ever happen anyway, just because of the judgment that has been heaped on us since our marriage and choice to live apart for now.
I just couldn't lie to him anymore. I have never had a testimony of JS and I've always felt the temple ceremony was just a tedious ritual. I have never had "inspired personal revelation" that I can attribute to the church's god...pretty much it's all been just good ol' common sense. I am not an atheist, not even agnostic as I truly believe in Jesus Christ. I told him that I'm sorry and I've really tried for a testimony of all of it, but the only thing that I have in common with the church is belief in Christ. I explained that I have no problem attending, but that I cannot lie about the other stuff. I have no desire to become vocal about it, and I do not "hate" Mormons or the faith...it's just not for me.
I really love my husband and told him this several times last night on the phone. He responded with "that took a lot of courage to do" and "I appreciate your honesty as I've suspected something like this for a while now." I suppose my fear is that he will want a divorce. I tried to talk to him tonight, but this is the text I received:
"Just giving a lot of thought to the info you dropped on me last night. I have some big decisions to make regarding what will make me happy in life. I don't want to fake it or be unhappy either. Allow me that so I can be true myself. Goodnight."
Of course, I didn't answer back as I want to respect his wishes.
I guess what I need help with is if he decides he wants out. I can't hold it against him that, were he to stay with me, his dreams will not come true, but does this mean he didn't love me in the first place and only wanted to be with me because I was in the church? Then again, I don't want to minimize what he would be giving up to stay married.
I'm no newbie to this rodeo (divorce), and I've been married more than once. I guess ya just get to the point that you don't want to go through it again. If it makes any difference, we are both in our 40s.
Any thoughts?