I am a gay man. I recently met another man who is 30 and is looking for a relationship. However, he told me rather quickly that he finds many gay sexual practices morally objectionable and has never engaged in them (he is "ex-religious" like myself, said he never did anything with a guy until age 28, but thinks religious moral teachings have some utility). This seemed fine to me, everyone is entitled to their opinion. What seemed very strange, however, was his rationale for his abstemiousness. He says he is still interested in women, and wants to get married and have a family someday.

I told him that was quite odd to me, that 30 seemed a little old to be in a sexual experimentation phase, and that my impression was that most women would be very wary of entering a serious relationship with a man who was interested in men, even if all he liked to do was roll around in bed naked

Accidentally hit "post" before I was done...

Here is my question, for the women, including those who were married to a man to ended up gay. In short, do you agree with me? Is it always a mistake to enter into a relationship with a man who has had gay feelings/gay liaisons? If no, then what determines whether or not it is--"how gay" the man seems? what specific things he has done sexually? how many partners he has had? What specific thing about a gay man entering into a relationship with a woman that makes it such a betrayal? Hearing from women who have experienced this, it seems they consider it significantly worse than a man having an affair with another woman.

Hey Mulinobianco,

I'm NOT a woman but I know two mixed orientation couple pretty well. Who could resit this one?

Your new buddy is either bi-sexual or a gay dude that wants very much to have a wife and kids. Besides, few people are exclusively hetero or homosexual. We all fall somewhere on that infamous scale. Perhaps your friend is somewhere near the middle?
Only he knows I guess.

For the couples I know it been disasterous for one couple (now divorced) and semi-disasterous for the other couple.
The couple that's still married have a strange arrangement that allows him to come into the city every Friday night and have sex with numerous partners. She knows it. He told his wife he was gay about ten years ago after getting together "with an Asian guy I met in a sports bar in midtown." She begged him to stay...He says she accepts it and wants him to be happy.

Well she might be resigned to it but she doesn't accept it. What woman in her right mind would? She deals with the best she can, I imagine. They're in their 50's. Well to do couple. Where's she going go?

Not worth the risk--doesn't take a woman to see that. He might not ever stray but I wouldn't put a lot of money on it.

This man sounds really lost and confused on how to reconcile his religious beliefs with his sexuality. Imagine being sexually involved with this man and him later feeling guilty and ashamed over it. Top that off with his ideal that he can eventually meet the right woman who will make him straight and give him a family. That doesn't sound like a man who is ready for a committed relationship with you, regardless of how you both feel about each other. Is that what you want for yourself? He needs serious counseling so he can work these deeply ingrained ideas out and accept himself before he will ever be committed to someone of either gender.

To answer your question about why it seems worse for a woman whose man has an affair with another man.. She can compete with a woman, but how does she compete with a man if her partner is really gay? He's been living a lie in an attempt to love someone he's not oriented to have an attraction to. She realizes it's not just her husband straying from her arms, he has never and will never feel the same attraction for her as she does for him. If she really loves him then she will realize her husband will never be happy with her no matter how hard either one of them try. It's not 'worse' in a moral sense. It's worse because it is a realization the relationship has always been doomed.

Dude sounds messed up. You're not considering dating him, are you?

To answer your question, I don't think it's a very good idea to get involved with a man who's been into men, unless you're cool with possibly getting dumped for a man down the road.

Then again, I think you have as much chance of that happening with someone who won't admit that he went to bat for the other team.

Does it make a difference which gender you get dumped for? Not really, although I agree that many women seem to think it does. For me it's more about the misrepresentation.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2010 07:32PM by munchybotaz.

If you want to have sex with the opposite gender, you are gay. Man up, Admit it. Nothing wrong with that, if that is how you swing. But, don't tell a woman "you still love her". As for a woman "accepting" her husband seeking illicit sex with another man, she is the typical Mormon woman, trapped financially. At her age,she has never worked. No social security/no IRA. Does not want to give up "the perfect Mormon lifestyle"??? That is why you make damn sure your daughter gets a college education so she can take care of herself/kids while she kicks his a** out!!!

I should have mentioned the couples are NOT Mormon. The wife who says she 'accepts' what her husband does is well educated and taught mathematics. Now she assists in her husband's practice.

BE very wary of this. I knew a gay man yrs. ago who all people his age knew he was gay and he married a woman a couple yrs. later...we were shocked. They had one child. When the child was 19 he left his wife and came out as gay. He was gay all along- wonder if he lived a double life. I feel badly to this day for his wife who thought she would have a life long companion. If the man you speak of does the same thing, it is only to become a father in the normal way. I would not take this as a serious partner. Be a friend only.

I would steer clear from this guy. He definitely sounds like he doesn't really know what is going on yet. Like Not A Woman said, "Your new buddy is either bi-sexual or a gay dude that wants very much to have a wife and kids." I agree with that 100%. He also may just be confused and at his age that is rare, but I think it could happen. :)

As a bisexual myself, I don't understand how he sees anything with the same sex as morally objectionable. I do understand waiting to have sexual relations until you really know a person and love them, but does he really hate the act so much that it would be a problem, even in a monogamous homosexual relationship? He isn't done figuring things out for himself, it seems. Keep it at friends and try not to get too involved. Good luck!

I think that most women would be very wary of entering a relationship with such a man. For good reason. That's assuming that he'll be honest with a female prospect in that regard.

It's funny that he finds certain gay sex practices to be morally objectionable, but has no problem rolling around naked in bed with a man. That's some serious cog dis.

At least he's being honest with you.

I would be very careful of starting a seriouse relationship with someone who says they are "gay" but still love me (bisexual). I would have lots and lots of questions about monogamy and how this would work with him. If he had been seeing men exclusively for a long time I would probably demand premarital counseling and do lots of sexual exploration together to see if he was actually attracted to me or was just looking for a womb

I honestly like gay/bisexual men as people. I appreciate my gay friends. Maybe because I've had girlfriends who'd married men who turned out to be gay, and the marriage turned out badly, I wouldn't seek a gay man to marry. I'd always wonder if he was having a gay affair on the side. For the same reason I wouldn't marry a straight polygamist. Marriage to a gay man wouldn't be my first or second choice.

So--there are those women who would marry someone gay--if they thought they were doing some godly service--saving them. It is what I did--but I was very uninformed. You'd think in this day and age people would be more informed, but they aren't. The leaders set the women up to be a "savior" or a "sacrificial lamb"--take your choice.

As for "he has never and will never feel the same attraction for her as she does for him." This is a fallacy. If you are married to someone gay and they are attracted to men--at a very primal level, they are NOT meeting your needs. I didn't understand this concept UNTIL I was in a relationship with my straight boyfriend from my past. Not to be graphic, but the moment I had sex with him the first time, I KNEW the difference. A woman is not and will never feel the same attraction for someone gay as they do someone straight. The chemistry just isn't there. Period.

I always thought otherwise, UNTIL . . . a gay/straight matchup is just a friendship.

In college I had seroius feelings for a man who was one of my best freinds and who was very supportive of women getting educated. He was, and still is, a prince among men. After 2 years, he called off the romantic part of our relationship. I was deeply hurt. He had one more relationship after that, which he also ended. A few years later, when we had resumed our freindship, he came out to me, explained how he tried so hard to find the right girl "to help him forget his longing for men." He came to realize that the right girl would never come along--he left the church and instead found the right man :-)

He apologized for hurting me and the other girls--he'd really been trying to find a woman he felt he could marry. He had too much integrity. I thanked him for instead for not making me or another girl "the experiment." I could have been very badly hurt.

My freind is still one of my dearest freinds on earth. I'm so glad he did not marry me or one of the other girls. I'd have been devastated.

A lot of women married to gay men never know that the man they're marrying is gay. They just know that their husband doesn't seem to find them attractive, isn't excited about sex with them, and always seems to be distant or hiding something.

Yeah, that's romantic bliss.

Such a woman will spend her marriage wondering what she did or didn't do, whether she's attractive enough, what's wrong with her...etc. And it doesn't have anything to do with her. She could tie herself in knots trying to be the perfect wife to please him, and it's hopeless.

This guy's future wife deserves to know, but it doesn't sound as if he plans to tell her anything. That's unforgiveable.

I have a male bisexual friend whose wife knows. They have a semi-open relationship.