I don't think the general Morg populace realizes how many missionaries spank the ham, choke the chicken, grease the pole...err... masturbate. There, I said it and I'm proud of it.

About 14 months into my mission (I was older, having been in the military for 4 years prior) I was transferred to HQ to be the Mission Secretary. With about 5 months left on my mission, the Mission Prez pulled me aside and said "Elder? I have a special job for you." Special indeed.

In the remaining 5 months I was sent forth to "keep an eye" on 4 missionaries. Three were chronic chicken chokers and one was just plain nuts. My assignment was to figure out how to "fix" them elders. I was told "Elder? If you have to break their noses, you have my permission."

First elder started flapping the sheets just two days after I arrived. I sat up and told him to knock it off. Next night, same thing. I went over and told him to stop it again. I think I even threw in the obligatory "the Lard won't bless us". Few nights later, same thing so I socked him right in the kisser. He got up the next morning, took a train to HQ and went home.

Second elder would spank it in the bathroom. I wasn't going in there for corrective action, so I called the Prez, ratted him out and he became the Mission Printer for the remainder of his mission.

Third elder was a sneaky bastard. He could spank it silently so I never heard it. We lived in a home with a non-member couple and she chewed him out for getting spooge all over his sheets. He went home too after I ratted him out.

Last elder was nuttier than a fruitcake. Prez didn't know what the hell was up with him so I had to observe. First week, fine, nothing abnormal. Second week while we were studying before breakfast on discussions with the flip charts (remember those?), he up and starts beating his own forehead with his fist. WTF? Had a welt on his forehead all day, but nothing else out of the norm. Couple of weeks later, we riding our bikes out to stormtroop (knock on doors) and I hear this "thwap....thwap....thwap..." behind me. I turn and there he is riding his bike punching every tree between the bike path and the street with his fist. It was a bloody mess. Broken bones in the hand and it looked like hamburger. He then proceeds to jump off his bike, throws it in the street and walked to the train station. He went to HQ and was sent home.

That was the best part of my mission. I shoulda known this was common practice (the masturbating part) cuz while we were in the Mission Home in SLC (1975), LeGrand Richards came over and gave the "better home in a coffin than disgraced" speech. He pretty much said "if any y'all elders are spankin' it, you need to repent right now or all hell's gonna come down around your shoulders".

Jesus, the line was out the door with elders who had soiled themselves or their girlfriends or the neighbors' sheep and such.

Just sayin'...

Ron

were you secretly throttling the monkey?

Bwahahahaha! That and spankus interruptus. :D

vhainya Wrote:
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> were you secretly throttling the monkey?


Oh, wait, I get it. No. I was UberElder to the max.

so do you feel any guilt for punching someone in the face for doing what is considered perfectly normal behaviour?

brett Wrote:
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> so do you feel any guilt for punching someone in
> the face for doing what is considered perfectly
> normal behaviour?


Not in the least. He was a "tool" at any rate. Smart-ass rich kid from Sandy.

However, in retrospect, punching him for masturbating was totally absurd.

Yep, I'm a real prick. You say that as if it's a bad thing.

Ron

ExMormonRon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> brett Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > so do you feel any guilt for punching someone
> in
> > the face for doing what is considered perfectly
> > normal behaviour?
>
>
> Not in the least. He was a "tool" at any rate.
> Smart-ass rich kid from Sandy.
>
> However, in retrospect, punching him for
> masturbating was totally absurd.

You didn't punch him for masturbating, you punched him for showing disrespect to you.

BTW,ignore Turd. His moniker is self-selected, but he had good grounds for his choice.

I hated being female in the church, but when it came to bishop interviews, that was always something I was glad for. The bish NEVER asks females if they masturbate. I would hear the boys whispering about their "addiction" and trying to decide if they should lie or tell the truth. I would have DIED if I had to tell a middle aged man about my *cough..cough* ...habit.

So were other girls.

I find it a bit disgusting to think about a middled aged guy asking children if they masturbate.

I remember sitting in the bishop's office thinking about how I was told that men and women shouldn't be in a room alone together.

Unpaid clergy. To investigate the church they need to investigage all people who are possably able to become bishops and thats all males in the church. Thats what I'm guessing anyway.

I thought that too!

Thats something that bugged me alot!

I don't even think Mao, Hitler, or Stalin cared if people masturbated.

But I bet David Koresh did, and Jim Jones did, and the Moonies. Intrusion and control are the built-in elements of cult life.

I needed a really good laugh to start my day. Thanks ExMormonRon!!!

The point is: I doubt seriously that they realize that their "choice generation" is violating itself in such large numbers. I also don't think that the mandate to up their game as to "more worthy" missionaries has changed things at all.

Just sayin'...

Ron

i, as a female, was luckily never asked by any of my bishops. probably because all of them were truly good guys who would rather kill themselves than ask a girl that question. i did masturbate frequently when i was in my preteens, & high school, in college i was uber-TBM chick & stopped. my little bro and his pals got tons of grief from their parents & their church leaders (my BFF was a guy all thru school and he told me what was going on & how guilty he felt all the time.)

i have 2 kidlets (one of each) and we are extremely open about sex, masturbation, puberty, birth control in our home, no question goes unanswered. i plan on buying them a toy or two when they are the right age & constantly horny, not everyone may agree but if a toy is what keeps my kiddo from getting HIV, warts, pregnant or getting someone pregnant, etc than that works for me...

transplant in texas Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> i, as a female, was luckily never asked by any of
> my bishops. probably because all of them were
> truly good guys who would rather kill themselves
> than ask a girl that question. i did masturbate
> frequently when i was in my preteens, & high
> school, in college i was uber-TBM chick & stopped.
> my little bro and his pals got tons of grief from
> their parents & their church leaders (my BFF was a
> guy all thru school and he told me what was going
> on & how guilty he felt all the time.)
>
> i have 2 kidlets (one of each) and we are
> extremely open about sex, masturbation, puberty,
> birth control in our home, no question goes
> unanswered. i plan on buying them a toy or two
> when they are the right age & constantly horny,
> not everyone may agree but if a toy is what keeps
> my kiddo from getting HIV, warts, pregnant or
> getting someone pregnant, etc than that works for
> me...


Hey! You live in Texas too. Welcome to the land of great BBQ and titty bars. :)

Just sayin'..

Ron (in Houston)

ExMormonRon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Welcome to the land of great BBQ and titty bars. :)
>



Ahem. I think the word you are looking for is Gentlemen's Clubs.

Ha. When I live in Dallas I used to laugh about them being called that... Gentlemen's Clubs. 'Titty bar' is about right.

I don't think is funny at all. You hit people for masturbating??? I thought Packer was an ass for telling missionaries to hit their companions for being gay!

As for Elder #3, who do you know he was j/o? Haven't you ever heard of a wet dream? Guys who don't j/o or have intercourse have to dump their sperm, so they do it while asleep.

You sent a missionary home for having wet dreams!