I just can't get the strength anymore to be here anymore.

I have no real means to get out of Utah.

I'm not religious.

I have no friends.

I am nothing.

I just want to be dead. For me to be here is selfish, being a waste to anyone around me. I only have a past of regret. I thought leaving Mormonism would be liberating, but it only made isolation inevitable.

So yea. Let them mock me. Let them laugh because I "fell astray" and quit their ranks. They control everything here. I can't even get a strong enough drink here to forget myself.

Fuck Utah. Fuck this. I think I'm done.

It is not that bad. Enjoy life. There is so much to do in Utah if you forget about the cult and move on.

No Mo

You have an adjustment problem and you need help. As Mormons, we were made childlike and dependent on the Patriarchal system for all our needs. They scheduled our worship, our social time, our family time. This is not how we were meant to live once we grow up. Every person celebrates their own uniqueness by designing their OWN life. Your church can be Starbucks on Sunday morning...or nature...or sleeping in and reading the NY Times. This is freedom.

Ordinarily, friend, you would get the little pieces of your life knit together a bit at a time as you discover this friend, or that interest. We are just like the movie The Matrix where the guy suddenly wakes up naked and gasping, pulling tubes out of his body. Go rent that movie and watch it again--There you are! Neo doesn't know where he is or what he's supposed to do next, the Morpheus appears. There are exmo groups right there in Utah where you can find your Morpheus. One is CALM which is wonderful. Check www.exmormonfoundation.org to find a group near you. Post-Mormon is also a face-to-face place to begin your own life. You can't sit at the computer--online is fine for information, but you need relationships and support. Human beings are made to be social and there are folks that would be very grateful for your help with their transition.

I wish you the best-- you are in the best place to find ex-Mormons, by the way!

Dude! (or chick?) I am basically in the same situation you are! Just breathe and read this slowly...

I just very recently stayed home from my mission, I learned so much about the church, I "left" (or, more or less I am rejecting the beliefs), feeling as though it would be liberating and amazingly freeing. I still go through days where I think "fuck this, fuck utah, etc. etc..." I still think on a daily basis what my life would be like if I had never researched "anti-mormon literature"

I have lost friends. I have lost a girlfriend. My mom cries herself to sleep at night because of me. My community looks at me as a heathen. My whole world is different now because of what I know. There have been days where I think to myself "I'm done..." I have had some suicidal thoughts. Its been brutal. It's been an intense journey. I am still working through it, but it is getting better.

The things that have gotten me through most of the shit i've experienced over the past few months, have been getting involved in volunteer work (sounds cliche, i know, but, it really works!), working hard at my job, preparing and working hard for school, and talking to a therapist. It helps, it really does.

My advice to you is this: help people. keep pushing forward, stick to what you believe. You will make it. as said before, check out post-mormon, or new order mormon websites, they can be really helpful.

Thank you for saying what i've been thinking for the past 2 months. Hang in there. You'll get through it, and it's my guess that in the future, you'll be grateful you went through this struggle because you'll probably come to find that it will make you a stronger, happier person down the road.

And remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Life is a journey. I sincerely, honestly wish you the best of luck. We're all in this together.

rally

I remember feeling so lonely around your age as I was separating. I think it is because they trained us to be so dang dysfunctional and codependent on one another. I had no idea how to find hapiness in myself. I needed approval and validation from others to feel happy or I was depressed, like floating in outer darkness.

You have to learn confidence and love for self once you leave Momonism. And you have to let the emotional manipulation of others be their own problem. That is hard to do since in Mormonism they try to keep you childlike, craving approval. The thought of disappointing parents is really hard to handle. When you can tell your parents in the most loving way that you cannot be responsible for their feelings, is when you start to realize your personal strength.

One of my personal learnings about depression is stop focusing on things you have no control over. Feelings of helplessness and disappointment in others make us angry and sad. So I self assess and identify the root cause then ask myself: Can I accept it? Can I change myself or the situation? or Can I let it go? This way I take back control by making a decision instead of being a victim.

20 years outside of the church, the beauty in my life and this world amaze me. I am so in awe of nature and man's accomplishments and my own potential in the one small shot at life.

You are not alone, and don't give up. I have had and do have thoughts along the lines of you. I left this summer. I have been in shock mode and now have a testimony that that action was social suicide. I feel like I have lost a lot. I am 24 and everyone thinks I am crazy. When I tell them they are like...wait..are you joking? Some of them are like that doesn't change our relationship, we will always be friends. It does change though! I am struggling because I have never had non mormon friends just non mormon acquaintances. I am having issues thinking who can I trust!? Who will understand me? I live in Phoenix by the way. I think they should have an exmormon thing going on here. I need to meet some exmormons to hang out with! You are right anagrammy, I just sit and read this website wanting someone to actually talk to and relate all of this to. My sister is the only one I can talk to about this. She left in high school and wanted nothing to do with the church. She knows very little about the church, where I study and study it! I also went to BYU-I. Mormons make you feel trapped and almost like it's better to just fake it.

In Gilbert AZ... there was a regular coffee get together at Denny's and they once were the most fun group I had ever been to. They have other events, as well.

These are great folks! Shummy, my good buddy....may pop on here and give you the time and place. I think they have some site the AZ peeps post. Don't be alone if you have the chance to get together with this gang of rebels. Hugs, wings

You do need to seek professional help. My best wishes to you.

It was 30 plus years ago, and trust me, give it more time. If you are want to kill yourself, go to the emergency room and tell them. Call the suicide hotline in Utah. Get help.
Please know...after I left Utah, life changed. It was still life over the decades, but leaving Utah was the ticket to freedom for me. I moved to a warm climate and lived a new life where no one knew me, my family, my history, nor did I have the constant familial drama. I saw I was not the crazy one. The Mormon folk have it wrong and wrapped in the security blanket of Mo-ism, you think that is the only way...of course. They are right and sane...you are wrong and crazy. IT IS A LIE!! I hope you can get out of Utah. It was the best thing for me. It may not work for you, but it may be worth it to give it all up and uproot to new digs.

Life still is life. I still had a man cheat on me and had to start over...but see..that could have happened if I was Mormon or exMormon. Luckily, I survived that blow, and still am standing. Hang on to the last knot in the proverbial rope. It is worth it. You are worth so much more than you know.

There are exmormon groups in Utah that get together. I know it is not the 24/7ish-ness of being in the cult, but they are there to have coffee with or talk to in bad and good times. Big hugs to you. Depression is HELL!!. We are hear for you. wings

and never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, especially when it come to ending it.

I have been where you're at, but now I'm glad I didn't use a permanate solution to a temporay problem.

There is a way through this, you just can't see it now, hang in till you can.

I am reminded of the old Mad magazine cartoon where the guy ties a large rock aroung his neck and throws himself into the ocean....and the last thing he sees is himself landing on an open treasure chest.

I am also reminded of a time in my own life when I really wanted to be dead. It was because I tortured myself by trying to prove that the church was true, but instead proved it to be false. I lost my friends, my family shunned me, and continue to do so.

But I decided to live, and I feel better now almost two years later than I did for three. Misery is never permanent- every winter turns to spring, every sunburn turns into a nice tan, and every dark of night must give way to morning.

If you look in the phonebook there are hotlines for people such as us. Call one. It is worth it. Even if only to have another person who will hear what you have to say. You don't even have to tell them your name if you don't want to. Just talk and let out the frustration to an anonymous yet trained and compassionate real live person.

None of us knows what the future holds, but we all know it will not be there if we give up. And I think you are stronger than that.

This kind of black, black depression is temporary, trust me because there have been a number here who've been in your situation (and they come back from time to time to let us know they're okay). Being dead is very, very permanent...

U of U, Salt Lake Regional, LDS (the church sold that one long ago), IMC, they're all staffed with social workers on call who can help you shed this pain.

Speaking from experience, suicide is the single most fucked up selfish thing a person can do. It leaves everyone shaking their heads and wondering "what could I have done more, where did I fail this person?". And yes, even the illusion of being suicidal pisses me off to no end.

Don't be so damned selfish that you do something that rash. As has been said before "taking one's own life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Go get professional help and stop pinging us mere mortal idiots for sympathy and guidance.

Just sayin'...

and bless you...

Ron

when he said UofU, Salt Lake Regional, LDS(the church sold that long ago), IMC they're all staffed with social workers on call who can help you shed this pain

Please go to a Hospital E R

Please call and get some live support.

Trust me, you aren't the only one who feels the way you do. Mormonism is a cult, and it creates misery, while promising happiness. But you are on your way out. And things will get better.

If you would like to meet with people in Utah Valley who are transitioning out of Mormonism, check out this website. I used to go to this group and the moderators are wonderful and kind people. It looks like they meet twice a month.

http://www.fishtells.com/2009/09/what-to-expect-at-utah-county-calm.html

But get yourself some immediate help.

Please take a look at some of the "It Gets Better" videos on You-tube. Regardless of your sexual orientation, the sentiment applies to you here.
Hang in there, keep busy, find groups of individuals who have the same hobbies and interests that you do. Or, start a new hobby. There is a whole, cool world out there just waiting for you to experience it, if you just hang on.

Please take a break. Can you take a vacation out of UT? Get out at least for a weekend to Vegas or CA or FL or somewhere pleasant this time of year.

Many of us here would probably offer to have you stay at our home to help give you a break.

If you were to take a toll of the people here I am sure you would find that most of us are beyond 30 years old and possibly beyond 40. I personally am 53 and I just left the church about ten years ago.

You my friend have a right to be proud of yourself. I get the impression that you are not in either of these age groups but younger. If I am right then think about this. You had the courage and vision to see the truth and make a bold brave decision at an age where you have many years ahead of you to enjoy the fruits of your decision.

Whether I am wrong about your age or not think about these things. You feel like you are isolated and alone right now but that will change. Yes, you live in Utah, but I think if you will give yourself and your decision a chance you will find that there are more of us here in this center of mormonism than you can imagine. What you are feeling right now is the result of the programming and brain washing you received in the morg. You are literally experiencing a sort of withdrawal from mormonism. Just as a drug addict has to "come down" off of the drugs they are addicted to, so you have to "come down" off of mormonism. The conditioning and programming you went through in the morg was very efficient and powerful. If you will do a little research and read about cults and how they work you will see that the morg employs the tools of brainwashing or mind control very effectively.

I personally know of two young men who actually received "callings" just like a mission call, back in the late 70's where they were invited to the COB and in a personal meeting with the top executives were asked to join the ranks, one of the CIA and the other the FBI. They were told that if they would apply to these agencies the morg would guarantee they would be hired. They were told that their mission would be to collect information regarding specific practices these agencies use, which practices they would be notified about after they were "in". They were then to gather as much information about these practices as they could and report back to the morg on a regular basis. It is no coincidence that the morg uses highly effective practices of mind control such as fast and testimony meetings. One practice of mind control is to deprive a person of basic sustenance and then with emotion give that person suggestions just like in hypnosis. When the body is hungry and thirsty the mind is more susceptible to suggestion than when you have a full belly and are comfortable, especially when that suggestion is accompanied by emotion.

You may want to look into joining one of the local Pagan or Wicca groups. You don't have to believe in either of those ways of thinking but you will find people who are open and honest and who have none of the judgmental biases you are currently receiving from morgbots.

The bottom line is this. You have just been given the freedom to live life as you choose, don't throw that opportunity away simply because these self deluded ignorant closed minded morgbots have done the only thing their programming allows them to do. Just know in your mind and heart that they are the ones who are screwed up and delusional and try to laugh at them when they reject you or condemn you. Life really is good, and it is even better once you are out of mormonism. Just give yourself time to discover that.

Good luck, we are all here for you, and if you need someone to actually talk to send me an email at the email listed here and we can talk on the phone or go out for drinks. Don't give up, life is worth living!!!!

It's a lot easier to ignore the LDS beast if you have a few people to hang with.

There is good advice in here. I just want to add that I have made it through some heavy stuff by promising myself to just hold on for one more week. At the end of that week, I would sit still, breathe, and reflect on all the things I liked about the last week. Then, I would tell myself to give it one more week.

The big mistake most of us make is allowing ourselves to be manipulated and governed by others. The solution is to realize you are your own best friend and you are what makes things happen. You can CHOOSE to be happy or unhappy and YOU can do some contemplation of who you are and where you want to go.

I suggest you grab a pad of paper and write down everything that is bothering you and then say I'm putting this crap behind me and destroy the list. Then grab a pad of paper and write down everything you want to be and what you want out of life. It will take time but if you have vision that will motivate you in the right direction.

Let the negative crap go and start the process of starting a new life. You will make new friends, find yourself out of Utah eventually, your financial and career will change as well. It just takes time and dedication.

If you want my two bits on killing yourself, I almost died two times and you pretty much take what you are here over to the other side and you have to deal with it there. It doesn't go away, so you might as well take care of it here because learning and growing is what it's all about regardless of where you are. There are plenty of miserable dead people who never got it.

I want to share on of my favorite poems. It's gotten me through some of the hard times I've had. Never lose hope. <3

The Sunrise never failed us yet
By Celia Thaxter


Upon the sadness of the sea
The sunset broods regretfully;
From the far spaces, slow
Withdraws the wistful afterglow.

So out of life the splendor dies,
So darken all the happy skies,
So gathers twilight cold and stern;
But overhead the planets burn.

And up the east another day
Shall chase the bitter dark away,
What though our eyes with tears be wet?
The sunrise never failed us yet.

The blush of dawn may yet restore
Our light and hope and joys once more.
Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget
That sunrise never failed us yet.

I understand how you feel completely but atleast you can confort yourself with the knolage that you are free.

Right now everyones thinking they need to look after me and order me around like they did all my bloody life thing is no one could deside what they wanted so trying to do all that stuff got me stressed out and exusted and eventualy unable to do much of anything.

I cant be a perfect TBM a busniss woman perfectly sighted and an atheist (messed up family)

I'm now at 28 and have no confidance and there sare some things I want out of life but i've been left so litlte chance to get them and I dont have the freedom to get them.

I've been bullied so much I dont know if I can get the one thing I really want, Someone around who likes me for who I am not for who they want me to be.

Freedom is a real guift you shoudnt just throw away. You can walk outside all by yourself with no one throwing a fit. You never know what the future has in store for you. I've known for a very long time what it has for me.