Here's the scenario:


My little family moved earlier this year from southern California to northern California, just months after I finally had the courage to stop attending church. DH had not been in years. I thought the move was mighty convenient in that it might help aid in fading into the abyss of non-actives. I won't resign until my mom passes. It would break her heart and she's already super stressed about my falling away.

We've been here for six months now and I was feeling pretty confident that we wouldn't be approached by the local ward. I'm so naive...

Last Sunday we came home from a visit to the local pumpkin patch, with lots of orange orbs in tow, to find a little note left by the missionaries. They must know the code for our gated community. I read the note and silently thought us lucky that we were out.

I left shortly afterward to run some errands by myself, leaving DH and boys home to play Candyland. I came home late that night to find out that the missionaries had stopped by again. DH was very nice and explained that he would let them in except that he was in the middle of getting the boys to bed. He told them they were welcomed to come back another time.

I was very uncomfortable with DH's invitation to return another time. My oldest turns eight next week, and even though I had to drag him to church kicking and screaming, friends and family have filled his little head about questions of god, etc and it really stresses him. I don't want the missionaries here. DH says he just remembers practically starving on his mission for food and for social interaction. I compromised and said they could come, but they had to leave religion at the door. No praying, no scriptures, no spiritual thoughts. I do feel bad for them and have no problem feeding them. At first, DH agreed, but then changed his mind. He said he felt like the boys need to be exposed to religion so we can discuss it with them. I agree, but not right now. My oldest is in a very raw place; we just moved, he left all his friends, and he's at a new school. I feel like there is oodles of time to talk about religion. I really put my foot down. I couldn't believe we were arguing over it.

The next day, Monday, I had just returned home from taking the oldest to school. The place is a mess from breakfast. I am not showered, in my pj's, no bra, no make-up and there's a knock on the door. I shush my youngest and sneak to the front door to spy through the peep hole. Sure enough, there's two nice looking RS women at the door. I pretend I'm not home. I'm a mess!

I go out later to find a little journal and pen with a silk flower taped to it. It's all packaged up with a pretty red ribbon and a sweet note welcoming us to the ward and contact information.

I don't really care who gave them our address, nor am I surprised. I know my friends and family are thinking of our best interest, even if I don't agree with what they think is best.

So, I'm thinking I should write a nice letter to the bishop requesting no contact. It's either that or feeling like a burglar in my own home, hiding out each time the door bell rings.

First, I would discuss the stress of the move on the kids with your husband. You can agree to teach them something about religion next year. You have an excellent point. They are too vulnerable now.

Learn to open the door a crack and say 'No, and don't come back. We don't want to be Mormons.' firmly, quickly, and shut the door. You owe them nothing. You don't have to listen to their response. If they yell through the door, turn up some music.

We were all brought up to let people walk all over us, and we all need practice saying No. Missionaries are perfect to practice on.

You may want to discuss this scene further with DH, until you are in some agreement, and have a mutual plan for your kids and family.

But yeah, if you don't do something, they will keep coming.

I would have a talk with him.

Maybe he's lonely, having moved to a new community. He's probably viewing these mormons as potential new friends.

Hubby understands their experience and is comfortable feeding them. You want religion left at the door.
Sounds workable to me. You need to be on the same page.

As for the rest of it, tell anyone that comes to the door that they cannot just stop by. They must call first.

What is going on with coming in with the code to the complex if they don't live there? That needs to stop.

You can put a note on the door also to keep people from bothering you.

The fact that DH invited the missionaries to come back tells me that DH has already made up his mind to get the boys/family to be active attendees. That being the case, it doesn't matter what you tell the bishop, the missionaries, or anyone else from the church. They will just ignore you, the semi-apostate; and deal with your dearly cooperative husband, even if they have to arrange your son's baptism behind your back.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, Queenofdenial. But this issue isn't merely you vs. DH; it is you vs. priestholder DH, his family, the bishop, the missionaries, the RS Presidency, the Primary Presidency, the whole ward, and the powerful LDS Church. The deck is stacked.

Nevertheless, even if DH forces your boys to reactivate, there can be and should be respect for YOUR feelings and your beliefs. If you and DH can discuss this point calmly, you may be able to create an atmosphere of tolerance. For example, DH can and should insist, "NO DROP-IN VISITS. In our household, HTs, missionaries, etc. must PHONE to arrange an appointment in advance." (Even back when I was a TBM, I made and insisted upon that rule!)

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

I remember well "hiding out" from ward members the year we were exiting the church. Isn't it horrible that you can't even walk around in P.J.'s sans bra or make-up in your own messy kitchen??

Jeez, I used to feel like some paranoid criminal, sneaking up to the door to peer out the peep hole for Mormon stalkers. You're a prisoner in your own house! Jeez. Who DOES these things?! (Whoops, well, I did when I was active in the RS Presidency. I had a poor woman hiding in her bedroom crying one Christmas Eve . . . I was just trying to deliver cookies fer cryin' out loud!!).

So. OK. We ALL stalked each other in our past lives as Mormons. Karma is a b!tch. Now it's payback time. ;o)

As far as I am concerned, Mormons are what I call "inch-milers" - give them an inch and they'll take a mile. I've been on both sides of the fence, and this is a fact.

My opinion? Don't let anybody in. Ever. Again.

Or you'll be swarmed. And DH will cave. And your kid will be baptized. And you'll be back on the Mormon hamster wheel. With no escape.

Mormons are sneaky little boogers. Really.

;o)

Shannon's right. Your compromise sounds all well and good but you are underestimating the determination of Mormons to reel you back in--and if not you, then your kids.

Your kids just moved? Great! They'll invite them to something "social" to let them meet more of the kids who live in the neighborhood. They are starving for friends and their first friends will then be Mormons. Who will invite them to the special Mr. Bear Meets the Worm play at the ward. And then he'll say they offered him a part in the next one. And then ....well, you get the point.

SAVE THEIR LIVES. It is crucial that they NOT identify with the local Mormon kids as their first friends. Haul them off to a Presbyterian or Methodist church if you want them to meet kids and "socialize." It doesn't matter what the doctrine is, there are Christian churches that are non-evangelical and are (relatively speaking) non-poisonous snakes and you can discuss religion around a church which is respects the wishes of parents and is not DEVIOUS and will not manipulate your child.

Go to your Homeowners Association and tell them what's happening on a regular basis. You are paying them to keep salespeople away. Including religious salespeople. If the Mormons are getting in, anybody can get in. If someone is letting them in, ask the Mormon visitors who it is, and file a complaint against that person.

Mormon relationships are often conditioned upon activity in the church.

In fact, if it were me (and I didn't live in a mostly LDS community) I'd probably steer my kids towards non-LDS friends. The truth is that some LDS people tend to have an agenda other than just friendship.

Thanks all. I'm not worried about DH going back to church. He left well before I did. We talked about it after dinner. I discovered three things:

1 - DH didn't realize how stressed and emotional, to the point of crying, our oldest is right now. I've been the one witnessing it and doing my best to reassure him. DH works 6-7 days a week with this new job and isn't home a lot.

2 - I believe he truly just feels bad for the missionaries. DH's mission was very bittersweet, emphasis on the bitter.

3 - DH thought I wanted to shield the boys completely from TSCC. I explained that I do want to have lots of discussions about it and other churches. I want the boys to know how I feel about it, what I've learned, etc. I just think that now is not a good time. I want them to be informed and learn to think for themselves. Lots of our family are TBM. The subject will come up a lot I'm sure. If down the road they decide to get baptized, that fact is, it's their choice. I just want them to know the facts and ultimately that I love them and will respect their choices.

I don't want to be rude to the missionaries or the RS ladies. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to come to our door. It's just kinda annoying. I don't want to have to deal with it, but life is full of stuff I don't want to deal with. I'm still leaning towards writing a letter to the bishop. Someone suggested that we just resign. I will most likely do that down the road, but I don't want to break my mom's heart by doing it now.

As far as them gaining access to gate code, it's a very large community. For all I know, there are members of the ward that live here.

I'm in the Sac area and teach in the Roseville area. The Roseville, Rocklin area is quite heavily populated with Mormons. If you're in the same area, you'll have acme difficulty shielding them from the church.

I agree with many other posters; contact the Homeowner's Association. Even if they got the code from other members, I am nearly 100% sure that this would be considered abuse of that information. See if they have a no-soliciting policy. You might find help using the association. After all, that's what they're there for.

So about 1 1/2 hrs southwest of Sac.

I know exactly where that is. My fiancé grew up in Danville. There is a Mormon population there, but it's not too large.

My daughter goes to gymnastics in Roseville-Byers Gymnastics Center. We live about 50 minutes away,up the hill.(to Tahoe) small world.

Seriously, why. And why *that* religion? You're not in Utah. Does he think they need they need know what it feels like to be part of some weird little minority group? Are they too normal or what?

:-)