I'm an exmo. A few days ago, ago my heart nearly stopped when the girl I've been seeing for only a few weeks texted me saying she needed to see me that day. I met her after work at her place, and after she served me a nice dinner, she told me that her period was late and despite a negative test the day before, she had a positive home test in the morning for pregnancy. If you know anything about home pregnancy tests, they rarely have false positives, meaning if you get one to be positive, it's very likely you are pregnant. Although we'd practiced some form of birth control the handful of times we had sex, we were a little sloppy perhaps, so it wasn't impossible that she was pregnant, but definitely a surprise.

We spent the next few days discussing options. We are adults. I'm pretty established, could be a dad financially no problem. However, we barley knew each other, meet just a few weeks ago. But I think she's really in to me (of course ;-) ). But we'd never agreed we were even exclusive. Also, there's a big age gap, different cultural backgrounds, but still we like each other.

I'd never faced abortion as a real option in my life. Often thought it is OK for others, but for me to be involved was different. Obviously, it's really her choice, but she wants my input and support: if I said lets have the baby together, she might go for it. She also seemed more comfortable than me with abortion: others in her family had done it, including her mom, and she had no religious ties history of it being bad. But it would break her heart to do it, I think.

I feel like I could marry her, make her happy, raise a baby (which might be an adventure and a nice change of pace to my cookie cutter ex-mormon life). It might work--who knows.

Or, if I don't, abortion.

Has anyone else been through an abortion, male or female? How did it play out? Or the flip side?

Every situation is different and people are different. I can only tell you what I experienced.

I was totally out of the church and had met a man I was in love with and wanted to marry when I unexpectedly got pregnant. Although we were in love, there had been no talk of marriage and I already knew I didn't want to have children. Since the man was a gentleman, he asked if I wanted to get married because of the pregnancy. Although I did hope to marry him some day, I didn't want us to be pushed into marriage by this unexpected and unwanted pregnancy. I said no to marriage, but told him I'd appreciate it if he took me to the doctor for the procedure.

I had a D & C suction type abortion and it was the easiest medical procedure I've ever had. I cramped slightly, but no worse than I did every month. When it was over I literally danced out of the office, I was so relieved that be "unpregnant". I rested a little for the next two days, felt normal again, and went back to the life I wanted. Three years later, at a time of our choosing, we got married.

Obviously, I believe in abortion rights. But the important thing is for both of you to do what you feel is right and what you're comfortable with. My abortion was over 24 years ago. I've never had a moment's guilt or regret for what I did. We chose not to have any children and live in childfree bliss with no worries about college tuition, getting car for junior, etc. I wondered if I would regret my decision when I became too old for child-bearing, but I don't. I wasn't made to be a mother. But that's just me; you and your girlfriend may be totally different.

I don't believe in post abortion stress, or whatever it's called, although I do believe if a woman has an abortion unwillingly she may have deep feelings of guilt or regret later. To me the important thing is that you think it through and decide what the two of you want out of life. I wanted freedom; most people, at some point, want children. The issue is whether you want that child now or not.

You have my sympathy and best wishes. You're both facing a hard decision and the choice you make will be with you forever. Please don't let anyone push you in either direction; you're the ones who have to live with your choice, whatever that choice is, and you're the ones who should make that decision.

My husband and I had decided when we married that we never wanted children. However, after six years of marriage we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant. Abortion was not an option. After we had our child we were amazed at how much we loved being parents. We had two more after that and would love to have even more (after having had a few miscarriages however, that is unlikely to happen). My own feeling is this: It is highly unlikely that you would ever regret having your child. You would love him or her and not be able to imagine life without him/her. However, there is a good chance that you would regret aborting your child. I have known quite a few people who had abortions without any qualms at the time but later came to regret it very much. If the two of you are not ready to be parents what about adoption? I wish you the best and I sincerely hope that the two of you decide to give your child life.

I can offer my experience that was on the flip side of what's already been posted. I intentionally got pregnant and was ecstatic that it had finally worked after many years of trying. It had just started to finally seem real to me when I was rushed to the ER due to severe pain and bleeding. I was told that the baby had zero chance of survival due to being implanted outside the uterus, and that to keep the pregnancy from causing me to bleed to death it was imperative that they terminate it. Even though I basically had no choice due to medical necessity and there is no logical reason for me to feel rotten about terminating it, I still do. It isn't that I feel a religious-based guilt or anything like that, but I sometimes feel like the grief will never get any better. I really, really wanted that kid and I loved him already -- something probably lots of women can relate to, but, in my experience, is harder for men, who do not experience pregnancy, to understand. It's been over a year now and I find myself either feeling really empty or feeling mad (at the world, at myself, at ????) since then.

Obviously, my circumstances are very different than the woman you told us about in your post, but she should just be aware, before she makes an irreversible decision, that it can be a very emotional thing to take such action, sometimes with feelings surfacing that surprise you or that you think you shouldn't be feeling, but you do anyway. Obviously, each woman reacts to it differently, as can be seen in this thread. It is definitely a very personal, individual decision and each woman has to figure out what is right in her own case, IMO.

That said, I don't think a pregnancy is really a good reason to marry someone you don't know all that well. There are other options besides abortion or the two of you getting married before you're really ready that you could explore if the situation warrants.

My experience was like anon's, in terms of being glad just to be unpregnant.

My situation was a little different, I was in a very bad relationship. Got a new pill, didn't wait the 7 days... got pregnant. A cliche. Being in a bad relationship with a very controlling and emotionally abusive man, I knew that this was something I had to deal with on my own. To him, everything was my fault. If he burnt the toast, it was somehow my fault. If a bulb burned out, it was my fault, and those are just the mild things. Emotionally, I could not handle a reaming for this, even though it was my fault. I did not want to have a child with him, I had been with him for 4 years and was searching for a way out, I didn't want his poison in my life forever, and he would have been a terrible father, though I didn't want a kid anyway.

I am and have always been very pro-choice, so it wasn't an ethical issue. It was early on, I somehow knew even before I was late. I have no idea how I knew. When I went in to the clinic, I had to wait a couple weeks to be able to have the surgical abortion. I could have had the medical abortion (2 pills) then, but there's a higher chance that it won't work for that than for the surgical one (though both chances are small in general). I did not want that risk! By the time I had it, I was 6 weeks. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. I worked at a call center at the time, and was able to go in for my shift that started about 3 or 4 hours after the abortion. The worst part was they inject a lidocaine type numbing agent, and that made me throw up promptly when it was over. That made me feel awful.

Emotionally, it was a little difficult. Mostly because at the time I lived in a very conservative state and had to cross MANY picketers. Also, you have to go in for a "try to talk you out of it" consultation the day before, and I had to cross the picketers then, too. That made me frustrated and feel bad about myself. Not for what I was doing, but that I would be one of those people, one of those women who had to cross the anti-abortion protesters. Also, you are there for a few hours. at one point, you have a little group session, and all the girls sobbing and being there with their boyfriends... I wasn't sobbing, I was doing what I needed to do, but I thought there was something wrong with me for not being emotional like them. I also felt very guilty for not telling my then-boyfriend, but he would have made life hell for me, though I am 100% certain that he would have wanted me to have the abortion anyway.

My advice to you is that this is her choice and it is up to you to go along with it. If she asks you what you think, tell her exactly what you prefer, if you have a preference. If you don't, tell her you don't have one.

I don't think getting married just because she's pregnant is a very good idea. If she decides to keep it, that doesn't mean your relationship has to change, you can continue to date while she's pregnant and you can be a support to her even you don't marry her. Maybe in time you two will want to because you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. But getting married just because she's pregnant might not lead to a happy ending.

If she doesn't want to keep it, and has an abortion, and it's her idea and she's fine with it, chances are like me and the first anon, she'll be fine emotionally after.

I just wanted to add that there is no way to know how you or she will feel afterward. You might regret it, she might regret it, even if you both are satisfied with the decision before hand, or you may not.

When people talk about abortion being a permanent decision so you shouldn't take it lightly, it is sort of an odd, unbalanced statement. Keeping the baby is also a permanent decision, and you don't know how you'll feel after that, either. Or after she has passed the point of no return (in terms of the ability to get an abortion). People like to imply that the decision to get an abortion is made more lightly than the decision to have the baby, and that termination is a final, permanent decision. I think that's a loaded argument, and a way to make a pro-life statement sound more balanced and neutral. Any decision is one that requires serious thinking. Any decision in this situation may or may not be pleasant after. Any decision has pros and cons. And any decision is exactly that. Nobody makes these choices rashly. I don't think anyone picks abortion just as a quick, easy out. It is a valid decision, as is keeping it.

Well done.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2010 10:49AM by Beth.

so then abortion isn't really an option in *your* life, is it. Man up and tell her what you want.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2010 11:20AM by munchybotaz.

Listen, do not rush into a marriage. Man up, as another stated,if you can, and be a dad and allow this life to come into the world. There is adoption you know....I know 3 girls dying to get pregnant.....seriously, they would be wonderful parents....and even allow an open adoption. I would say abortion may be the worst choice....it would follow you forever. And it is her choice anyhow. You could live together to see how it works....or live apart and you may find you want to be together. Good luck....in the future this won't happen again, right? She should be on birth control and well, you know what you need to do.

All 3 choices will follow them forever, in fact abortion is likely to be the choice that will have the least amount of emotional turmoil and long-term issues. Adoption is haunting, and it will weigh on them for life that they have a child out there, and even an open adoption.

I'm not even sure of the logic. If they both are adults, I really doubt that the thing standing in the way of the woman's decision to keep the baby is not being married. That's like mormon logic. They don't have to be married to keep the baby, and it seems like her choice is whether she wants to abort it, or wants to keep it and raise it. She seems to have no qualms about abortion, so keeping the baby to have it adopted (and mentioning other people who you know would love to have baby or adopt is neither useful and is a pro-life guilt tactic, at best) does not seem like one of the options. If he is not ok with abortion, that is sort of his problem and it would be a disgusting thing for him to do to strong arm her into completing the pregnancy to have it adopted. She doesn't need to make those sacrifices for his beliefs. That will stay with her and haunt her for life. Might make YOU feel better, but you aren't the one who has to go through life with this experience.

You obviously didn't read my post.....I said it was HER decision. But she seems to want his opinion and the options are there for him to think about should he think that marriage may be a possibility down the road...but it doesn't matter what he says....it is her body. Do read more carefully. And as for my friends.....yes, there are friends and relatives of everyone in this nation who are dying for a child. And if this woman wants to give birth, ADOPTION is a good option. Maybe not your choice but I am sure you want the woman to make HER OWN choice as I do. So they are mature adults and don't need us when making final decisions, but he is here and surely likes our individual take on things.

If she chooses to be a mom he will always be a bio dad. That is certain.

Abortion has not followed me forever. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I have a friend who gave up her son for adoption and she has been tortured her entire life.

You can never predict.

I have no experience with an abortion although I can relate with the panic of having an unplanned pregnancy. My husband and I had been married for 2 years but babies were not in the future for me then. Like a previous poster said, once I got pregnant I *knew* instinctively that I was pregnant. My husband was pretty happy and excited but I was a train wreck. I'm the youngest and really had no experiences with children at all. I never babysat anyone, could count on 1 hand how many times I had held a baby, etc. I never really saw myself as a mothering type person. I can't even keep my hanging plants alive.

I will admit, that when I found out, abortion did kind of go through my head those early days. I did feel guilty thinking about it. I was married, had been so for a bit, we could raise a child relatively well, etc. My mind changed after we went to the dr's office and received our sonogram. I was preparing myself to be a mom but I can tell you that I still wasn't really excited about it.

I was 2.5 months pregnant when Christmas Day of 2008 came. My husband and I had spent that morning at his mom's house and I then spent the rest of the day at my parent's house. He is a police officer so after he got off work he picked me up and we went home. We had pulled in to park and I grabbed my purse and packages and was heading inside when I felt something that almost felt like I was peeing on myself. I didn't feel any pain just fluid running fast down my legs. I went upstairs and as soon as I could get my coat off I saw nothing but blood all over me. I immediately started to panic believing that I was miscarrying. Husband and I went to the ER minutes before Christmas Day was over. I continued to bleed profusely and even went into shock. I was convinced that I had lost the baby.

After a while they finally took us back so that I could get a vaginal sonogram. My husband and I held hands so tightly. I just *knew* that the technician was going to be quiet and say nothing. She could tell that I was so emotional. After a while she turned and told me "well, technically I can't tell you anything but maybe this will help you feel better." After that, I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat and just knowing that he was alive, I can't even describe. I knew at that moment that I wanted the baby more than anything. My husband was able to see his fingers and his head. His eyes were shut tight.

The doctor sent me home telling me that I had suffered a subchoreonic (sp??) hemorrhage. The placenta has basically detached from the uterine wall in 4 places, each the size of a quarter. I was on bed rest for a couple of days and the doctor told me it was a 50/50 chance. After that weekend, I would see my regular doctor. Everything turned out all right and I now have a healthy 16 month old son.

I'm not here to advocate one way or the other. It is ultimately a decision that you need to make together.

I say abort- either way you may regret the decision-

The thing to keep in mind is that she may become very weepy shortly after this is done due to her hormones being suddenly forced to be out of wack...body was gearing up for pregnancy-suddenly -no fetus...body does not know what to do---so gives the woman PMS out of this world.

I suggest if there is need of counseling-try Planned Parenthood - they will not try to guilt you either way

Failing that, seek counseling at a clinic that does provide abortions (they won't be biased, most also serve as general low-cost gynecological clinics, offering exams, pap smears, STD screenings, birth control, etc. so it's not like they serve to provide abortions only and they'd just pressure that way because it's their business). If she goes to a clinic that just does pregnancy testing, there's a good chance it's one of those unethical fundamentalist christian clinics that will tell her she's not really pregnant, hoping that by the time she discovers she really is, it will be too late. It sounds unthinkable, but this happens at clinics all over the place. Additionally there are unscrupulous clinics affiliated with some adoption placement services, and they give out false negatives as well. I'm not saying all do this, but clinics like planned parenthood will give the most honest advice, and will counsel her and give her all her options with no bias.

"However, we barley knew each other, meet just a few weeks ago. But I think she's really in to me (of course ;-) ). But we'd never agreed we were even exclusive"

You may want to have a paternity test done. Do not sign the birth certificate until you know it is your kid. It is bad advice to have you man up, until you know the baby is your yours.

Good point....I forgot they were not exclusive. And find out the due date if she is going to keep it.

The OP's post is setting off alarm signals in my mind.To the OP: you've just been seeing her a few weeks, you were using birth control, and you are financially secure enough to support a child. Hello? Please consider the possibility that she's considering you to be an "easy mark."

The word "marriage" shouldn't be on your lips at this point. You like her, but you don't know her. You've also got two major strikes against you: there is a wide gap in your ages, and you are from different cultures. Sure, you can overcome these differences, but it would take a lot of work, and many couples have failed trying to do so.

Given that your relationship is new, and that you can't be entirely certain that you're the father, I would stay neutral in her decision making process. Let her know that you will support her no matter what, BUT also let her know, as nicely as you can, that if she decides to have the child you will want a paternity test for your own peace of mind.

Now comes the tough love part: Pregancy is (nearly always) entirely preventable. Please don't sleep with someone you just met. And when you are ready, please use a method of birth control the effectiveness of which approaches 100%. Back in my day the most effective options were the pill, the IUD, and the condom/foam combination. You should be using a condom anyway, you know that, right?

So I don't feel that it's my place to give an opinion about whether or not she should have an abortion, adopt out, or carry and keep. It's not my place. However, here are the things I feel I can give advice on:

Don't get married just because she's pregnant.
Support her no matter what.
Don't force your opinion on her.
Do let her know that you support her no matter what, but also tell her what you think without trying to influence her one way or the other.
Make sure you are safe from now on out.
Encourage counseling. No matter what the decision, both of your lives will change. No matter what this will be stressful.

Good luck.

This is a woman's decision, friend, and you can help her make it. Just like we help people think clearly to get out of the cult, we can help people use critical thinking to make tough personal decisions. So let's run through this: First question- when does she believe life begins? It makes a huge difference if she is in the "tissue" group or "baby" group. If she doesn't know, encourage her to do some research, just like you would with any other subject. Abortion is such an emotional issue that your helping her to choose wisely is the most loving and least manipulative thing you can do. Only she can answer this question for herself because the fact is that no one really knows for sure when a fetus becomes a human being. It is akin to the question "Who made God?"

Do not make her feel rushed, encourage her to think it over carefully. If she feels it is a baby and chooses abortion, then she will have guilt the rest of her life. This type of guilt feels like this: She notices all children who are the age her child would have been. She thinks "My baby would be five years old too if I hadn't killed it." Or she can't bear to look at babies, etc. And associated feelings of worthlessness, depression, which I've seen lead to drug use, alcoholism, etc. (in one of my own daughters, not a client).

If she feels it is a baby and chooses adoption, then she will feel like she "paid" for her mistake by enduring a pregnancy and childbirth, plus the emotional pain of actually giving the baby up. There will be the consolation of knowing she did the "right" think, meaning the choice consistent with her beliefs. On the down side, she may find herself in a continual "searching" mode, looking in the faces of all 10 year olds in crowds, subconsciously seeking the lost child. Other birth mothers experience fear that the child may grow up and confront her later asking, "Why did you give me away?"

She is the only one who can evaluate which would be more/less significant to her. It doesn't matter whether or not she will be able to support a child with or without you or whether or not you will or will not marry her now or later. None of that matters as much as the importance of NOT having an abortion if she believes it is a baby. People drop out of school all the time and people get fired all the time because of emotional problems that interfere with their ability to function.

If she believes it is tissue, then the choices are different: Since she doesn't know you that well, the assumption must be made that she will be raising the baby by herself. You may be a wonderful co-parent, but that can't be part of her decision. Even single mothers raising babies with great co-parents are still raising babies ALONE. So the first question is, "Would I like to raise a child?" If yes, then the question is, "Can I do it now?" If the answer is yes or maybe, then the question is "What would it take to do it now?"

Here's the only question so far where you can help. It's obvious that you can take her to the doctor for the abortion, but maybe she will require some help to arrange her life in order to raise a child. Be honest here and don't react out of guilt. Don't offer what you can't or won't follow through on. If she needs to move and you can afford to help her with that (money or muscle or both) and YOU WANT TO, offer that.

Your relationship may deepen through the experience of having a child together; however, it is an artificial deepening, like people stuck in a trench together in a war. Do not mistake it for love. WAIT until you are both out of parenthood crisis and are functioning as a couple again to make any longterm decisions. To make it more clear-- having a baby together makes it harder to tell if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. She may be horrible through the pregnancy and fine after. Or vice versa. Ask any married father.

Be generous with time, money and patience while she sorts this out; however, don't accept any decisions which have you attached to them. For example, "I'll have the baby if you don't see other people during the pregnancy/marry me/live with me." It has to be her life decision to raise a baby by herself. If you two get together later, well that's gravy. If you don't, you didn't give her any high expectations that weren't realized. This will be a good platform for a solid friendship and good teamwork as co=parents.

The above is based on my experience counseling unwed mothers and raising five daughters, one of which had an abortion (I helped her), and one who kept the baby and lied to her husband about who the father was.

Good luck-- you sound like a decent guy.

Very good post and thanks for the work you do to help others. The OP should appreciate your very reasoned suggestions.

While any of your choices will be difficult, "honestone's" suggestion that adoption is a "good" option is only considering that it may be a good option for the adoptive parents- not the birthparents and the birthfamilies. As a birthmom who surrendered a baby 42yrs ago through the Church in an "open" adoption, I know how incredibly painful that experience is and will continue to be not only for me but also for other members of the birthfamily.
Temple name Deborah

And did your church "pressure" you????? IF so there is good reason this has been a painful experience for you. It appears this is a decision for the OP and gal that does not involve a "church", so adoption for them may be a very good plan. Only she knows. I know a girl who gave up her baby for adoption and has never regretted it. She gets pictures of the child and she is grateful the little girl (now almost 6) is being taken care of so well which is something she could not do as a single mom. She is 32 and has not had other kids. All people are different and to say that adoption is only good for the adoptive family is NOT TRUE! I never heard that one before!And again, I am sorry if your "church" pressured you into giving up your baby if you didn't want to.

Paula and Carl? Janika?

I don't remember the statistics, but it's something like 1/3 of all women have at least one by the time they are 30? Most women who have one are more traumatized by the pregnancy itself and not the procedure. The exceptions are if the woman wanted the baby and had emotional investment in the pregnancy.

Just don't get married because she's pregnant.

Story #1:

I had a long-term boyfriend in grad school who was about to move to another city after graduation. We had our "goodbye" night and the condom broke.

Subsequent pregnancy tests all came up negative and I continued on the prescription medication I took, which I *knew* caused permanent fetal heart problems. Fast forward several weeks: I went to the campus doc because I was feeling so sick. He suggested a pregnancy test "just in case." Surprise. Test came back positive.

Having been raised Catholic, I was in agony about which course of action to take. FOUR different doctors told me my child would be born with severe health problems. One doctor went as far as to tell me: "If you are some kind of masochist, you can go ahead with this pregnancy."

I aborted - with my BF by my side at the clinic. A huge protest was planned that day and TV cameras were all over the parking lot. They escorted us into the clinic with golf umbrellas to protect our identities (this was 1986).

It was, without question, the single worst day of my life. The protestors didn't leave for hours and we were given the option of holing up in the clinic until they left. I felt like a hostage.

Twenty-six years later, I still regret my decision. I felt like I "killed" my child. I would NOT make the same choice today (in fact, I've fostered/adopted 40+ handicapped children since then). I have always gazed at kids playing who were the same age my baby would have been and wondered what he would have looked like. "Anniversaries" still bother me: The day of the abortion, my due date/baby's birthday, Christmas, graduation date etc.

Something is missing from my life, and if I could rewind and do it all over . . . I would accept my child just as he was, heart defects and all. My abortion was the biggest regret of my life.

Story #2:

My adopted Russian daughter left our home in a snit shortly after H.S. graduation and moved in with her violent, drug dealing BF. I had always provided birth control for her but somewhere along the line she slacked and got pregnant.

I posted her story LIVE as it occured one night on RfM. She fled the abusive BF and came home late one night. She was hysterical and confused. We hunkered down in my bedroom all night with my other teenaged daughter (kicked hubby out), and talked over all of her options. The entire time, BF was pounding on our front door and blowing up everybody's cell phones trying to reach DD. She was terrified of him (for good reason - I'd seen the cuts and bruises on her over the months).

My daughter LOVES children. She is wonderful with them and works as a teacher in a day care now. But she knew she could not have a baby with her abusive BF or she would NEVER, NEVER escape him for the rest of her life. For that reason, she chose to abort her baby.

We hid out for a couple of days and I secretly took her to a clinic for the abortion. She was very sure about her decision that day. That didn't last long.

Later, she slid into a deep depression and kept crying, "I killed my son." She was devasted emotionally. It took a year or so to get over the grief. Like me, anniversaries and babies make her sad. She says now she wished she had "fought" . . . meaning court battles, protection orders and everything that goes with it.

Abortion was grueling for me and my daughter. We both wish we hadn't done it, and we will regret it to our dying day.

You know you don't have to actually get married yet to successfully co-parent a baby with your partner, right??? There are unconventional options out there that are not as black and white as GET MARRIED or ABORT.

Good luck to you.

;o)

but it's almost impossible to take away a father's rights. Even if the father is violent, and attempts to kill the mother multiple times! She would still be dealing with this man if she had kept the baby. The system FAILS women who try to protect their child from an abuser.

I don't have any experience with abortion, but I do have a recent experience with having a micro preemie. Our son was born just slightly over halfway into the pregnancy at 23 weeks. His features were quite "fetal" still - his eyes were still fused shut, his skin was more like saran wrap, and he barely weighed a pound.

Long story short, our son survived. He is the happiest baby I know. For him, life began much earlier than most kids, but he was no less a human being at birth.

If you're not ready to be a parent, that's fine. Finishing out the pregnancy and going through an adoption is not easy, but clearly a better option for the child. There are thousands of parents just waiting to be able to adopt a baby and give him/her a good life.

Again, no experience with abortion, but just my two cents. Good luck.

it really wasn't a big deal. The hormone fluctuations following made me a little "off" for a couple of weeks, but that was all. I haven't regretted it for a second. And in my situation I was with my partner who is still my partner. There's just no way we could have swung pregnancy and raising a kid. For the week that I knew I was pregnant I was seriously panicked; if abortion hadn't been an option I might have done something drastic. My sweetie was and is the best guy in the world and was there for me every step of the way.

It's noble of you to say that you'll marry her, be involved, etc., but of course you know that the bulk of parental responsibility will fall to her. And if you get married just because she's pregnant, then the marriage is likely to fail.

Anyway, just know that the loonies out there that say that women are permanently damaged because of abortion choose not to believe the truth: Most of us are perfectly fine.

+1 to vhainya's comment



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2010 01:28PM by itzpapalotl.

I became pregnant many years ago and chose to have an abortion. As an adoptee myself, I know that adoption isn't the perfectly rosy alternative that the anti-choice lobby makes it out to be. I would not give a child up for adoption because I would never want my biological child to feel the confusion and the experiences if being wrong or different because I'd given him/her up. (My adoptive parents are incredibly loving - these are internal feelings I dealt with growing up).

I also had no healthcare and no financial means (nor the mental stability) to support a child at that time - I was struggling to support myself. For me, abortion was the best option.

The procedure went fine - and the pain afterward was very similar to my normal pain during my menstrual cycle. Like others in this thread - I felt relieved to no longer be pregnant.

The only grief and emotional trauma I suffered were from the idiot protesters outside the clinic before and after my procedure and from friends who knew I'd decided on abortion. They tried to make me feel like I'd made a horrible decision. They were horrified by my relief at not being pregnant.

I absolutely know I made the right one for that time in my life. I do not regret it.

Ultimately, though - it comes down to this. She needs to make this decision. She is the one who has to go through pregnancy, or go through the abortion, or go through the experiences of pregnancy followed by giving a child up. Yes, a man's input is helpful and welcome - but ultimately, it's the woman who does need to make this choice on her own. She will know what's right for her. This is a decision that requires thought - all options are final and permanent here.

How she'll feel afterwards? That's unknown. Support her decision, stand by her. If she needs to talk, make sure you're there for her. If she's having difficulty coping with her decision, help her find help to sort her thoughts and find strength in her decision.

From the women who have had abortions that I know, all but two state firmly they did the right thing and that they have no regrets. Two have trouble coping with their decisions and admit that it's because they didn't think their options through and acted impulsively.