My 14 yr old son got interviwed to be a teacher by the Bish last night, the day after his birthday.(They don't waste any time, do they?)
After a 45-minute long interview, my son comes out behaving unusually withdrawn and quiet. Bish talks to me, and says he needs to have another interview with son on Sunday. No mention of being ordained a teacher. So, son & I drive home, he remains unusually quiet. I ask if Bish did or asked him anything he felt uncomfortable with. Sure enough, he was asked about spanking the monkey. I became quite mad, not at son, but at bishop. I told my son that whatever he does in the privacy of his own bedroom or bathroom is nobody else's business, and that those urges he has are completely normal. I then told him that if Bish or anyone else ever asks again, the answer is either "no, i don't do that", "I don't feel comfortable talking about that", or "none of your business." He tells me that he did tell the bish he was not comfortable talking about it, but Bish wanted to talk about it anyway. Once I cool down, I will probably call & tell the Bish that he is not to talk to my son alone ever again, and if he wants another interview, it will take place at my house with one of his parents in the room.

Good for you for standing up for your son.

I left before my boys were old enough for this kind of abuse and one of my reasons for leaving was the thought that someone might ask them about it and try to instill guilt for being joyfully human.

The book Changing Bodies Changing Lives would be an excellent resource for your son right now.

Good luck and give that bishop hell for his pervert-like abusive behavior. He may be only doing what his cult overlords demand, but maybe if enough people stand up and say hell no this kind of crap can stop.

Good for you. I can't imagine it. I was never asked about that by any Bishop growing up in my ward, neither were any of my friends as far as I know. Is it a standard interview question or was my ward the exception?

I really hope that you speak to him and set some rules. I HATED that part as a teenager, and no one ever told me that it was sick and wrong that these people ask this.

Looking back, this is one of the Morg's most disgusting practices that should get more attention.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for standing up for your son.

Good for you. And my advice:

MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE that your son respects YOUR word on the subject and COMPLETELY REJECTS whatever the bishop says. I wish my parents hadn't been in complete lockstep with my bishops as I was growing up ... sigh.

I noticed that in a post two days ago, you referred to the bishop as a “friend.” Perhaps that is what prevented you from anticipating that he would handle the masturbation topic with your son any differently than any other bishop would.

Being a Mormon bishop trumps all friendships.

And when DS indicated that he was not comfortable discussing the topic, the bishop nevertheless persisted?!

How does DW feel about son’s being made to feel ashamed for being perfectly normal? As a TBM, is she okay with what happened? or is there any chance that this incident actually would put a crack in her testimony?

Whenever I was asked the question "Do you have a problem with masturbation?" my standard answer was "Nope. Works every time."

I was asked that question by the bishop as a 12 year old female. I will not put my children through that same humiliation and confusion. Good for you, for standing up for your son.

DW thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill. She is TBM. You know, I heard stories about this kind of thing on this board and elsewhere, and I never imagined it would happen to my son. I never got asked that in the church as a teenager or when going on a mission. And yes, I've known the Bishop as a friend for the past 6 years, so I never suspected that he would stoop to such behavior. I was caught totally off guard.

"Whenever I was asked the question "Do you have a problem with masturbation?" my standard answer was "Nope. Works every time.""

I'll have to remember that one, Res Ipsa, that's a good one! :-)

We exmos value friendships over differences in belief. Therefore, we are unpleasantly surprised to discover that others do not.

How frustrating that your wife cannot see the harm the church does. On the bright side, your son is fortunate that at least one of his parents "gets it" and is willing to go to bat for him. No matter what B.S. your son is taught in church, Misfit, he will NEVER forget that it was the "apostate" parent who stood up for him!

It's perfectly healthy for both you and your son to "slap the bishop". For your son it is a figure of speach, and he can do it in his bedroon or bathroom. You are going to have to drive down to the Ward building to take care of your urges!

I just cannot believe that after all these years, that question is still being asked. When will they realize it was never appropriate, and they should remove it altogheter?

I also cannot believe that in this church (and TBM see nothing wrong with this) minors are still allowed (required) to be interviewed by an adult without the presence of their parents or legal guardians. It should never be okay for a minor to be locked up in a room with an adult.

Interviews with minors should always be done in the presense of parents/legal guardians. Innapropriate questions should not be asked, or even hinted at.

JMHO

You do realize that if a Catholic priest were interviewing a candidate for teaching religious education and began asking questions about masturbation he would have immediately been reported to the authorities and been arrested on suspiscion of improper conduct with a minor child?

What are you waiting for?

If you continue to remain silent you continue to condone this kind of behavior.

If you're reading and posting on this recovery board, and you're writing a post critical of the church, I would guess that you're not likely to be in the church for much longer. Other events like this one will add to your frustration and you'll end up not being able to stick around.

Just guessing.

I have not gone to church regularly for about 6 months or so. The Bish is well aware of where i stand in regards to it, which makes his treatment of my son all the more perplexing. You would think that the son of an apostate would be lovebombed rather than emotionally manipulated to feel guilty.

I was also asked about masturbation and necking and petting as a young girl.

I was still TBM when my husband was ex. sec. and one day--I was standing in the very spot I'm sitting in right now when my husband was calling teenagers for their interviews with the bishop and I told my husband, "My kids WILL NEVER be interviewed by a bishop. There is something really wrong with that." Even had I stayed TBM, I would have made sure my kids didn't get intereviewed.

Good for you--and I hope you can get your wife on board. This is, as far as I'm concerned, emotional rape.

The intrusions of the bishop were sexual abuse. You did the best you could to remedy the situation, but I would say more to him over the years to normalize masturbation as part of a healthy individual's sexual life. This is something he will be recoverying ffrom. And how does he do that if he remains in the morg, where sexual shame is everywhere.

Your DW is very wrong. Your son was demeaned in a sexually charged encounter and his punishment is that he may be publicly humiliated by not being able to advance in the so-called, sham priesthood.

The morg is actively destructive in people's lives in ways such as this.

I've had to tell my son about this stuff and I also said to him that if ANYONE ever asked him a question like that, he was to say, "I refuse to answer such a private question like that," then he is to tell me about it and not to go back to the interview.

I've been out for about two years now and my DW for about a year and a half. My step kids, however, are still sipping (though not gulping) the kool-aid. We wrote a letter to the bishop in very legalistic terms (and he's a lawyer) that he is to not interview the kids without our permission, and also made it clear that such interviews would always include one of us in the room.

He has not even attempted to interview the girls again after more than a year. He's made an attempt to inteview the younger boy, but we just can't seem to fit it into our schedule. Unless our son specifically requests it, we won't fit it into our schedule.

I wish I had a parent like you growing up. I hated those yearly teenage interviews. I never requested them, and they were always set up for me. I had no choice in the matter. My TBM mother seemed to think she was doing me a great favor driving me to the interview and helping the ward secretary schedule the appointment. I wish I could go back in time and tell the 12 year old me to cuss out the Bishop for being a pervert. In my opinion, middle-aged authority figure men delving into the sexuality of adolescents is flat out wrong and emotionally traumatizing to the youth. When you described your son as "withdrawn and quiet", it just brought back so many church memories. But what do I know? I must not have the "spirit of discernment"

One of the most enduring traumas of my life, perhaps as traumatic as losing my young wife to premature death, was when my dad walked in on me masturbating when I was 15 or 16. He was furious, yelling at me and using all sorts of verbal and even physical intimidation. The next day, he frog marched me into the bishop's office to confess, which I dutifully did. That experience caused me no end of pain, humiliation, and sexual guilt for many years to come. I'm amazed that it took me another 15 years after that to realize the problem was not with me, but with the Morg and the notion of sin.

What you told your son was good, but now I would urge you to take the next step of advocacy on behalf of your son: let the bishop know that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are any of your children to be interviewed without both you and your wife present.

I insisted on that, early on in my exit journey, when I still attended church sporadically. I got flack from my TBM husband, but he agreed to it, and I am so glad we protected our children from clergy abuse.

It made the bishop uncomfortable. So what. My children have NEVER had to endure the line of questioning that is both typical and inappropriate.

If we aren't advocates for our kids' well being, no one else will take on that responsibility.