I've been plagued by this every Christmas, and I want to solve this problem now, before the holidays begin.

I love giving gifts! But--there are two TBM people in my life that are spoiled, wealthy, and bossy. Whatever I give them for Christmas isn't good enough, but they manipulate me into buying them a personal gift every year, and insist on giving me one. It is becoming almost like a battle, and it seems like the harder I try to please them, the more obnoxious they become. I'm not sure if this is a Mormon thing, or a spoiled rich thing. Or is this just me turning into Scrooge?

When the economy took a bad turn, most of these ladies' TBM friends called and said they would not be giving Christmas gifts. I told them it was a great idea, and that I wasn't going to give gifts, either, but they wouldn't let me off the hook. One started to cry and said that she wanted to at least exchange a personal gift with her oldest friend.

I suggested we give gifts to the needy instead. She said, "If you have enough money to spend on people you don't even know, you have enough money to spend on me."

My other difficult TBM maven calls me and complains about the "icky" food that neighbors give her for Christmas, such as homemade jam and salsas, a cheese ball or cookies that weren't just right, a basket of friut that she "can get at the grocery store myself," See's candy that had nuts in it, Godiva which was only three chocolates. She doesn't burn candles in her house, she's allergic to flowers, she says plants have to be tended and they die, she doesn't do movies or CD's because she can't operate her machines, clothes are impossible, gift cards don't work with her, jewelery she wears the real thing.

One Christmas she called me in tears, sobbing, "My Christmas is ruined! DH gave me colored stones! He knows I don't like colored stones!"
I said, "What stones do you like?"
She said, "Diamonds."
I said, "What did he give you?"
She said, "He gave me an emerald necklace and earrings."

I don't have a husband. I work hard for every dime I have. I didn't need to hear that on Christmas morning. Turns out, her husband has extremely bad eyesight, and he can't see diamonds, but can see the bright green of the emeralds.

Being divorced has changed me. Leaving the cult has changed me. Still, these are two friends from childhood, and I value them too much to hurt their feelings.

These women suck the joy out of giving. What in the world do you give a person like that?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/14/2010 04:16PM by motherwhoknows.

When it comes to family and friends, I just give them framed pictures of us... that is, if I feel we are close enough for me to want them to have pictures of us and vice versa.

Another thing is food items. You can always give some type of baked good, candy or cookies or gourmet sauces etc. Lots of choices out there!!!

The latter demonstrates your respect for them and their beliefs, which you have discarded.

The other site is my literal life-saver. They have unusual gadgets I PROMISE they won't already have. Here are a couple of gifts I gave to can't-be-pleased on my lists and it worked out great:

garlic mini-dicer that never plugs up (currently reduced from $25 to 9.95)
one-pass avacado slicer
plastic zip bag for rolling out pastry dough

I'm assuming these women cook.

Good luck

Anagrammy

It is a selfish asshole thing.

If you truly were her best friend she would have gotten the hint. The statement "I suggested we give gifts to the needy instead. She said, 'If you have enough money to spend on people you don't even know, you have enough money to spend on me.'" tells you all you need to know about the motives of that woman, its all about HER.

I do not know your financial situation, but if you are true friends, maybe it is time you gave the gift of friendship. Give each a gift certificate to something you can do together with a nice note explaining that you value the friendship and want to take her oldest friend out for a special night of (what ever you decided to give), just the two of us spending quality time together.

Oh, if you want to get nasty, give her two stones saying they are replicas of the stones JS used to translate the BoM with a follow up gift of the book "Miracles of Forgiveness".

Some suggestions as the what you could do together:

A special dinner at a restaurant you know they like, just the two of you, maybe followed by a play or movie if they like that sort of stuff.

A trip to get a makeover at a nice salon, just the two of you.

A trip to a day spa, just the two of you.

What ever you chose, chose something that you know they like and that you like as well.

Then, if they whine about the gift say back with the best hurt and puzzled look and voice, "You don't want to <event> with me, your oldest friend?"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/14/2010 04:41PM by MJ.

Agreed.

I don't think it's a TBM thing so much as they are just horrible, horrible people.

I don't know your history with them but I'm quick to drop toxic people like that out of my life.

Don't waste your money on them.

But honestly, I'd just tell your friend that you've sworn off gift giving because it hurts your feelings when people complain about what you gave them.

That, or I'd give them something I made myself -- cookies in a jar or a scented candle or something like that.

And if that person complained about it I'd spend a minute wishing I could turn on the tears at will (never mastered that skill) and then calmly tell them that I'm sorry my gift was inadequate but I'd be sure not to make the mistake of offering one again.

But, like I said, I have limited social skills. And I wouldn't really consider someone that self-absorbed a "friend". I'd consider them more of a parasite.

OHDanishbakery.com

Oh, and I hope that was the last jewelry she ever received from her DH. How RUDE!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/14/2010 04:45PM by Susan I/S.

I find that gifts from levenger.com are good, useful and don't have obvious price notice for those who count that sort of thing (unless they look it up).

**I suggested we give gifts to the needy instead. She said, "If you have enough money to spend on people you don't even know, you have enough money to spend on me."

Being divorced has changed me. Leaving the cult has changed me. Still, these are two friends from childhood, and I value them too much to hurt their feelings.

These women suck the joy out of giving. What in the world do you give a person like that?**

******************
You value THEM too much too hurt their feelings? They don't appear to be reticent about hurting the feelings of others whose gifts don't measure up. If they can't understand that your finances are such that exchanging gifts isn't wise, how good a friend are they??

If they suck the joy out of giving why bother? Is it really worth the stress when it's likely the gift won't measure up to their standards.

If you must give something, I'd recommend a donation in their names to the Heifer Project, a worthy organization. You can donate a minimal amount - the gift cards don't specify the amt donated so they won't know what you gave.

MJ had some excellent suggestions. And if you still get blowback, it's time to start hanging out with a better class of airhead. These people will have confirmed that they are stupid and rude, and that's a really bad combination.

Feh.

I usually get my hard-to-buy-for friends something from World Vision, based on what my friend finds important. For example, for my school teacher mom I donated money to help inter city schools in the US. World Vision sends you a nice card for your friend which doesn't include the amount you donated. You could say that you feel so blessed that you want to share with others and so you are giving this gift in their name and hope that instead of buying you a gift, they will donate money to a charity they support in your name.

Honestly though - I have a friend like you describe. I used to bend over backward to give her nice gifts but then I just quit. I told her I couldn't afford to exchange gifts with her any more but honestly, I was just fed up with her attitude.

I give them a wooden block wrapped up like a present, with a big note on it that says:

"This is a very speacial gift,
The best you will ever see.
The reason its so special?
Its just to you, from me.
Whenever you are lonely,
Or even feeling blue,
You only have to hold this gift,
And know I think of you.
You never can unwrap it,
Please leave the ribbon tied.
Just hold this box close to your heart,
Its filled with love inside."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/14/2010 05:56PM by melissa3839.

I take that back.

For people who are greedy, and selfish and appreciate nothing?

I wouldn't give them any sort of a gift. If there's some special reason why you're friends with them, and you feel you have to give something, why not just send a card?

I wouldn't waste my time or hard earned $ on people who are selfish and uncaring.

melissa3839 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I give them a wooden block wrapped up like a
> present, with a big note on it that says:
>
> "This is a very speacial gift,
> The best you will ever see.
> The reason its so special?
> Its just to you, from me.
> Whenever you are lonely,
> Or even feeling blue,
> You only have to hold this gift,
> And know I think of you.
> You never can unwrap it,
> Please leave the ribbon tied.
> Just hold this box close to your heart,
> Its filled with love inside."

That is perfect gift for a TBM! Cheesy and cheap!

I would give them absolutely nothing - save the money for yourself or do what you originally suggested - give the money to people who need the assistance.

It's clear by your comments that they do not appreciate the actual gifts they get - they like the idea of being showered with gifts, but then complain about what they receive. That's the sign of a greedy, ungrateful person.


Get nice cards for them and leave it at that.

Those are quite some "friends" you have there. Sheesh. If you feel obligated to do something then donate to Heifer or Oxfam in their names.

http://www.heifer.org/

http://www.oxfam.org/

Honestly, if they complain about this to you or anyone then you need to cut them off. Period. Horrid people.

with personal memories of your esteem and the times you've shared.

If not, how about my favorite gift idea, a book?

Tickets (or a promise) to take her out for dinner, a play, a movie, or a manicure.

I also like the idea of a book, maybe a good cookbook if she likes to cook? (Giada, Barefoot Contessa, etc.) Or perhaps a photo album with some photos of the both of you together already in it.

How about a fresh balsam Christmas wreath or tabletop arrangement (unless her allergies forbid those as well?) L.L. Bean will ship fresh Christmas greenery.

Another thought is to get her some new, perhaps seasonal linens (tablecloth, placemats, napkins.)

Perhaps she might like something unique (a candy dish, some hair combs, etc.) from an antiques store.

I also like the idea of a selection of unique cheeses from Whole Foods or a similar store.

...and the friend who called you, sobbing, because she got emeralds instead of diamonds? The very definition of spoiled.

Sometimes I think that behavior like that is its own punishment. She'll never (or only rarely) feel genuine delight and appreciation for loving generosity when receiving a thoughtful gift, never mind a magnificent one.

She wanted everything cooked HER way. Well, I cooked for a restaurant for a few years, and can certainly put together an agreeable meal. But I wasn't about to be bossed around. Late in her life, when she was too frail to cook OR to try to boss me around, she finally figured out (and told me one night at dinner) that I'm a good cook. I laughed ruefully and told her that she should have let me cook for her more often! Lesson learned, I guess. Better late than never.

A little gratitude goes a long way.

My mother was like this: absolutely nothing pleased her and yet she required us to give her gifts not only on her birthday and Christmas, but Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and even her Anniversary! I dreaded those holidays until she died. It's been 10 years, and I still am grateful that she's no longer here to destroy the holiday spirit, or demand a birthday gift.

For some people, I think there is a psychological "hole" within their spirits....that nothing will fill.

no, it's not a mormon thing.. as stated earlier, it's a jack-ash thing-control thing.

they sound like they're in need of some wonderful self help books... :-) in my humble opinion..*shoves devil horns back inside of hair*

If you have any old photos of say your years in high school or something make copies and give them to your friends. They likely haven't seen the pics in decades and might really appreciate them.

Other than that I probably wouldn't get them anything.

I have people who are hard to buy for but they at least pretend to like the gifts. If someone were rude about it, I would simply not give them another gift.A little civility and gratitude goes along way. Nobody is entitled to a gift and if they can't be polite, they won't get one.

And they enjoy criticizing everything, too.

Give them a gift they can criticize, and you'll double their pleasure!

When you're out buying fun gifts for normal friends, just duplicate those, whether they'll like it or not.

Here's the rule: You give someone a gift, it as a GESTURE of friendship and appreciation, and that is all it is, for rich folks. It doesn't have to be anything they need or will use. What they do with the gift, you don't need to know. Always include a gift receipt. They can re-gift, return, exchange, toss it, complain to the manufacturer--you don't need or want to know! ONCE A GIFT IS GIVEN, IT IS OUT OF YOUR HANDS!

After years of frustration, I gave my most difficult friend a gift card to her favorite scrapbooking store, but first, I made sure they carried just the right binders, acid-free paper, and the other special stuff that she liked. She didn't use the card until 6 months later. She had the nerve to call me up, screaming and yelling that she had spent the last two days complaining to the store assistant manager, manager, and owner. She said that there was nothing in the store that she wanted (six months later) except for small edge-cutter, and the store would not give her the balance in cash. She even called some of our friends, told them the entire tedious story, and asked them if they would buy the card from her! I ended up buying the remainder of the card back, to shut her up. I said that I was trying to give her a nice gift to make her happy, and all it had brought her was two days of misery, and that I would not do that to her again. She gets a Christmas card, and a birthday card--the Hallmark kind.

I got so sick and tired of having to return gifts I gave my mother. Even when she came to the store, picked it out herself, tried it on, etc, she would change her mind, or it would be the wrong size, color, etc. When I lived in a different state, she would mail the gift back to me, to take care of.

How about giving your friends a gift-that-keeps-on-giving! Give them jelly-of-the-month club (as in "Christmas Vacation"), fruit of the month, there's a garden plant-of-the-month, a magazine subscription. They will be regaled every month!

If people are on diets, get them something health-related. I'm giving my friends cute water-bottles, with teas or something inside.

No, you are not Scrooge. Bah Humbug to your selfish friends!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/14/2010 08:31PM by forestpal.

Send each of them a handwritten note outlining what they said to you. Inform them that you are giving them the gift of honesty. Tell them that they are greedy, that they no longer live what they profess, and that you see no obligation to enable them further in their decline.

Tyson

You have to put a stop to this madness. There's no point in continuing to buy gifts for ungrateful a$$holes. And tell them why, that no matter what you give them, they criticize it and are ungrateful.

My dad is one of those people who are never satisfied and constantly nitpicks others. Often nothing is actually wrong, but he prefers something done a different way. So occasionally I would cook him something, and he'd go on & on with "suggestions" about how to make it "better." More of this, less of that, blah-blah-blah, as if I had actually failed to meet some objective standard.

Eventually, I got sick of it & refused to cook for him anymore, and I told him why. If somebody makes you a meal, you should shut up and be grateful that they bothered to do it at all. He regretted it later when my stepmother was in the hospital for two weeks and he basically had to live on McDonald's.

My point in telling that story is just to say, there's a point where enough is enough. Why should you waste your money on gifts for people who are just going to try to make you feel bad about what you gave them? Screw that. Tell them you're limiting your gift-giving to people who can appreciate what they receive.

It's above. :-)