When I was single I was involved with married men.
The men were the initiators. At the time I figured it was their issue if they broke their marriage vows. When I was married I never considered cheating on my husband although I was miserable. He was a hypochondriac and monopolized my time because he was always dying. Actually I was too depressed to end it and my depression eventually drove him away along with the vindictive urgings of a coworker who used me as the whipping boy for his own wife who dominated him. My ex had planned how he would divorce me and not have to pay me for my share of the house--which did not work out that way, I ended up buying him out and got the house. My ex actually thought that I would not want to lose him and we would live happily ever after. He was furious when I agreed to the divorce.

Because my marriage was about control I actually found that being involved with a married man was great because he was not around much--good sex twice a week and lunch sevral times a month.

I never felt guilty about these two relationships but now that I am older I wonder if I should have felt guilty.

The post divorce relationship was on and off for 10 years and eventually he became a bad habit. We worked together for several years and he started having affairs with other women at work. Since he was married the relationships were all secret so he could do what he wanted. I think That he felt that because his first wife left him after 11 months of marriage that he could treat women badly. She left because he was a jerk not because she was seeing anyone. Eventually I had enough of his lying and cheating and I sent an email to his other girlfriend - I was no longer working with him, and I called his wife and told her about the affair. She had long suspected. The girlfriend sent my email to the companys security department and told them that she was not involved with him. He was eventually laid off and I have wondered if he was blacklisted from being rehired. It is a large company so he could have found work in another city. I could see a company not hiring him since he was a sexual harassment case just waiting to happen. Not to mention the disruption of having affairs with multiple women at the workplace.

I realize that I used the relationship with the married guy to avoid getting into a real relationship that would have allowed someone to get close to me emotionally. But I also feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I would never again get involved with a married man but I wonder why I didn't have that moral stance when I was younger. Anyone else with ambivalent feelings about their past actions?