My Husband and I stopped going to church a year ago. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had never really looked in to my doubts because of all the people I know that I'm letting down by not going. When I stop myself and think rationally about my reasons for leaving the church, I know that I'm doing the right thing and that there is no way that it can be true. But, sometimes I still miss it and wish that I could believe it. I think what I really miss it the social aspect of it. I was raised in Utah and was really into it growing up. I just want the mixture of knowing its the right thing and wishing I could believe it to stop. Have any of you experienced this? How long did it take?

It is like mourning a death. Everyone grieves at their own pace. I had the same mixed feelings when my former husband told me he was gay in 1992. Some days I wished he had never told me but in the long run, it was the best for both of us to move on. When I figured out the church was bogus in about 1995, I didn't have those same mixed feelings, so go figure. Maybe I had already had my biggest life's dissappointment and so didn't react the same way. Either that or I subconsciously hadn't really bought into the mormon groupthink. Good luck!

down on myself and depressed. I realize now I was just looking for an easy answer as something that would fix my life. The Church says it provides this but that is a lie. Once you feel more confident in yourself, your life, and accept the direction your life has gone, it will get better. Just decide for yourself what actually defines you as a person, and don't let your regrets be that thing.

I agree with the others - it's really a personal grieving, and there's no set term to it.

You mention missing the social aspect of it, which is definitely understandable. Have you looked for something else to fulfill the need for the social interaction? Perhaps a hobby you enjoy or a passion you have?

I think my feelings of worry and regret started to recede once I became active in a stitching/embroidery group. It's always been one of my favorite hobbies, and I look forward to getting together with the girls for an afternoon of crafty goodness (and lots of good food!)

I'd be lying if I said that every single moment of "what if..." was enitrely gone. Just like when you have a loved one die, every once in a while that small amount of sadness creeps in with a memory. But yes, it does get better. The most important thing is to allow yourself the process of grieving, and explore all of the new options open to you.

Quite correctly, you've concluded that Mormonism is a crock. There is a mountain of evidence proving that the LDS Church has systematically deceived millions of people for generations about Joseph Smith, early church history, the BoM, and other key aspects of Mo-ism. Latter-day Saints are 'programmed' with all aspects of Mormonism: doctrinal, social, and more.

Here's info. about how it 'programs' people and affects their self-esteem that might be of use to you: http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

To fill in the social gap, you might want to touch base with ex-Mormons in your area. Go to http://www.exmormon.org/helpers.htm as well as http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/ (click on Our Community > Post Mormon Chapters) for info. about a chapter in your area.

Best wishes!

I'm out just over 10 years right now. Truly, it was a great decision to get out. My life is better for it in every way.

That said, I still miss the church as I imagine it should be (not asa it actually was).

Looking back, the church wasn't ever the sincere loving place it claimed to be. However, I perceived it that way back in the day. I miss having something like the church to relax and let go. I miss not having to be on the lookout in the crowd, because it was an all mormon crowd, and there wasn't likely to be a gun or knife or something to hide my kids eyes from.

I don't miss the church backstopping all my decisions. I don't miss trying to balance my life on a foundation that is made of marshmellows, silly putty and finger paint.

was the impetus to get involved in other things.
I knew that usually it takes about three weeks or so to adjust to a new schedule or a new job, etc. At least, that was my experience in the past. So, I knew my mixed emotions would change gradually.

I found I had so much free time to fill! I didn't realize how much until I started filling my calendar: I could take classes, and do volunteer work, and meet new people! I could go to lunch with new friends, take walks with friends, (on Sunday!) and do whatever I wanted and not have an ounce of guilt! And I did!

I just started a thread on the subject of filling that time that was spent being so busy in the LDS Church.
It's an adjustment, that's for sure, especially if you were an active member. About 10 to 20 hours a week is suddenly filled up!

When I had spent most of my life, even before I converted, with my calendar filled to the brim, (starting when I was 15), with scheduled commitments, it was quite an adjustment in my late 50's to have a free calendar to fill as I wanted!

I gave myself permission to get involved in new things and meet new people. One of the best things I did was start a Red Hat Society Chapter in our area. I met dozens of women, and had a fantastic time for over two and a half years scheduling events, going out dressed up and just having FUN with a bunch of other women doing the same. I still have several good friends from that group. I took pictures, decorated hats, and learned to let go and just have fun!

I think the more involved we become in other activities the less we think about what we used to do in the LDS Church. That is how it has worked out for me anyhow.

I love being totally in charge of my life, not accountable to any ecclesiastic leaders either! Whew. What a relief!

I love the freedom!
Try it, you'll like it! :-)

Just like a divorce. We were emotionally invested and in love with "the Church" or a least had a love/hate relationship, and they taught us to be very superstitious.

If life throws you a curve ball, you'll tend to think "Maybe I should be praying, tithing or serving" and I would be protected.

I've been out of the Church for 10 years and I'm still trying to figure out how I joined a cult and why they had such a hold on me.

Give it time. Some people heal quickly, while the rest of us continue for a longer time, but it will pass. It will. While proving the church to be false is a relatively simple matter, it is much harder to accept that it is false. Not only that it is false but that your dedication and firm resolution and commitment to the church were for naught.


It took me almost three whole years before fully accepting the facts, and freeing myself from the constant 'but what if...'
The first year was a mental disaster.
The second was a little bit easier because by then my wife and kids were on board with me. But there was a lot of second guessing, fights with family and former friends, wondering this or that.
This last year though has been pretty mild for the most part. I've studied myself out of a testimony and proven it beyond the shadow of a doubt to myself.

However, there are times of sadness that it was not real, there are still times that I would like to drop in and attend once in a while, but we all know what hassles would follow.

For me, the final question was resolved this summer when I sat down and wrote out all the reasons that I was thankful that the church was not true. Quite a liberating moment.

This board has been a marvelous work and a wonder. There is much to learn, many who walk with us, or show the way having been here before us, and many more who will follow in our footsteps. So hang in there and do not be afraid.

I would like to see that.

So my formal resignation came after I'd waited years to do the deed. Being away from Utah helped. Being with normal people who are not of that mind set helps enormously. You start seeing how truly bogus the Mormon church is and start kicking yourself for taking so long to see it. Being in Utah makes that part harder. Stay as far away from Mormons as feasibly possible for as long as possible. Then when you start seeing them again you naturally see how ridiculous they and their religion is. But, yes, it takes time.

Don't worry. Time will make it gradually fade and one day you will wake up and realize you've regained your mind. Try getting involved in non-religious activities with non-religious people. Best wishes.

Like all big life changes, leaving the church requires an emotional adjustment. My suggestion is participate in some activities and make friends that are out of the church. In time you will actually forget you ever were a member of the church. Plus, who cares what others think, it's your life and not theirs.

But then the worry, the fear, the "what if I'm wrongs" were replaced by peace and confidence. After that it was like my life was starting again and I spent a few years reading motivational and self-help books (some of them good, some of them awful, LOL). I kind of felt like my inner life was starting over fresh, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, just hang it there. It gets a lot better. If you are having a really tough time, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor (not LDS, of course), and if you have someone in your area who is knowledgable about exiting cults, or maybe just in abuse (because the lds church WAS controlling and manipulative) that would be good. If you want a reference for a cult exit counselor, try contacting Steven Hassan for a recommendation at freedomofmind.com

I was kind of depressed the first year leaving. It wasn't the religion but the social aspect of it. I was used to having the singles ward as my social sphere, and then "poof" it was gone. I had to start from scratch to build my new social life. Unfortunately it took me several years to learn how to socialize with non-members. (I know, it sounds weird)

It's been great lately though, because my wife went to grad school and now we have this huge circle of friends (and friends of friends), to socialize and do activities with. It's like the singles ward all over, but way better!

Everyone has to work through it. It's hit you after you left because you're seeing and feeling the loss and mixed feelings now instead of while you were still in it.

I don't know how long it takes to get over those feelings of regret except to say it's different for everyone.

I hope it's smooth and not too long or painful for anyone.

Good luck.

I had resolved to leave the church as a young teenager. I was forced to attend until I moved out. I had a couple of weaker moments and tried to get back in to the church but on both occasions I realized very quickly why I had left in the first place. Now, at the age of 31, I'm finally coming to terms with the whole BIC growing up in Utah Valley thing. It was how I started life. I'm very happy it won't be how I end it.

Thanks for the advise! Finding this board has really helped both me and my husband. I no longer live in Utah, and I am grateful for that right now, even though my whole family is there. We are just entering the awkward stage where now my family and friends are asking what my issues with the church are and I've had to have some really hard conversations. I don't doubt my decision to leave in the slightest, but sometimes I still find myself wishing it could be true, then I catch myself and realize that it being true would mean that I'm nothing more than currency in Gods holy plan... anyways. I am looking forward to the day when I don't miss it any more.

Mag Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks for the advise! Finding this board has
> really helped both me and my husband. I no longer
> live in Utah, and I am grateful for that right
> now, even though my whole family is there. We are
> just entering the awkward stage where now my
> family and friends are asking what my issues with
> the church are and I've had to have some really
> hard conversations. I don't doubt my decision to
> leave in the slightest, but sometimes I still find
> myself wishing it could be true, then I catch
> myself and realize that it being true would mean
> that I'm nothing more than currency in Gods holy
> plan... anyways. I am looking forward to the day
> when I don't miss it any more.

I will attest that I don't miss it anymore! It does happen. Takes a little time to adjust to the changes, and get used to not having scheduled commitments. I don't know how long it was for me, but not very long as I kept myself busy in more fulfilling activities so I didn't "miss it"!!
Now, I love having a flexible calendar. I can go places, meet people, go out of town, take trips, get involved in projects and fill my calendar the way I want.
Now that the LDS Church doesn't schedule my time, I can start on my Bucket List! :-)

I like to make lists, so one of the things I put on my daily lists now days is to laugh out loud, (preferably a good belly laugh) every day, at least once! That replaced scripture reading! LOL

If answering TBM questions is gratifying to you, then it's fine to answer them.

But remember, you don't owe anyone explanations or justification for your adult decision to leave their church. Sometimes it works to say, "It's a personal decision made after long study and deep pondering. I'm not going to get in to the exact reasons and deep concerns. They're very personal."

Or, "Ha-ha. Let's talk about things we all agree on. How's your garden doing? I've had great luck with winter cabbages."

Just because someone asks a question, does not mean we owe them an answer.

also. It's the kind of conversation that retains relationships rather than erodes them, at least, in my experience.
I want to keep my friends and relationships so I try to do what my "Dad" (maternal grandfather) taught me when I was in high school: "If you want to keep a friend, don't discuss religion or politics."
I think he was onto something! :-)
I have used that as the basis for my "Need To Know List" -- which is very small! :-)

Join an animal rescue group. Rescue cats, dogs, horses... whatever. The people who do this are truly wonderful. I don't believe in angels with wings, I believe in these folks as the for-real angels.

You'll feel good about yourself, you'll be doing something really cool, and like I said you will meet good good people.

Seriously,

Reggie-The-Rescue-StalkerDog™

I can't answer your question but you even said it has more to do with the social aspect of it. It is like college...you have a cool group of friends for four yrs. and then whammo....it's over. Sure you keep in touch with some but not all. With Mormons you keep in touch with mostly no one because of the way they view you once you leave. Who wants friends like that? There are many ways to make new friends....volunteer organizations, another church, a hobby group, a book club. Just venture out there and you will find new friends who don't base their friendship on cult beliefs.

Someday in the future you'll realize the big old LDS thing that used to be the center of your life is no longer relevant.