At a memorial service scheduled for tonight at the campus of UVU, mourners may be uplifted by an inspiring decision to be announced by LDS church leaders and dignitaries regarding the future of the historic spiritual center located in Provo, Utah. The faith's Provo Tabernacle was recently heavily damaged by a fire likely caused by electrical cables installed for a now relocated rendition of "Gloria;" although many in the community remain hopeful that the eventual cause will be determined to be arson started by the church's enemies in the gay and lesbian community.

Elder Boyd K. Packer is scheduled to use the memorial service as an opportunity to discuss the faith's unique plan of salvation, emphasizing that the iconic building can anticipate a glorious rebirth in the hereafter. And also remind members that the church's enemies remain "the feminists, the gays and the intellectuals."

Yet a rebirth may come sooner than later as Pres. Thomas Monson, will announce that the sanctuary will be reconstructed as soon as possible. While some have speculated that the building will be restored as a tabernacle, others have thought that perhaps the LDS church will rebuild the edifice as a temple, providing the county with yet another venue for its faithful to view the religion's most watched movie.

However, the church, after careful analysis and earnest prayer, will announce that the Tabernacle will be rebuilt as a delightful condo/business location, with studio apartments situated on the upper floor and restaurant locations being found on the ground floor. Starbuck Coffee is anticipated to be the building's anchor tenant with a bistro wine bar located under an adjacent tower.


(Richard Packham, this is a paraody)

> providing the county with yet another
> venue for its faithful to view the religion's most
> watched movie.

Wait, they're playing Johnny Lingo at the temple these days? Maybe I need to go talk to my bishop about getting my recommend back...

Now if the Brethren just added some soft porn to the temple movie they would not only increase temple attendance but be able to keep all those naughty priesthood holders off the online porn sites.

Plus increased tithing revenue so the new temple attendees could qualify for temple recommends.

The priesthood porn addicts would just need to spend the money on tithing that they usually spend checking into a Marriott Hotel and paying for the excellent pay per view porno selection Brother Bill Marriott provides.

Now if they put hard porno into the temple movie, Bill Marriott could show that in his hotel rooms and make a buck that way also.

Ya just gotta cover all the angles when it comes to scoring a buck off a sucker.