Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
The church is losing its youth! I got this today (name has been removed):
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So...where do I start? I'm 18, still in highschool, and have been mormon since birth. My dad is the 1st counselor in the bishopric, my mom an avid believer with an "unshakable testimony." It was about a month ago I had my first major realization that the church wasn't true. I have been wondering about the church for a while, but always thought I knew in my heart in was true. This knew realization shocked me. I felt sick. How could this church that I was so sure about decieve me? And what do I do now? What about my family, who are still blinded by its lies? I just need some advice, so please help.
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I replied:
First of all, congratulations on having figured it out. Unfortunately a lot of Mormons don't manage to do that until they are 40 or 50, and have a Mormon spouse and Mormon kids, after having devoted a lifetime of energy (and tithing money) to the church.
Since you are still living at home and dependent on your parents, my first advice is to keep quiet about your views on the church. Some Mormon parents get very angry and vindictive when they find out that their wonderful born-in-the-covenant child no longer believes, and they do all kinds of mean things, like throw them out of the house, cut them out of the will, etc.
So although you may slack off, to the extent you can, on being an enthusiastic Mormon, you should continue to observe the Word of Wisdom, attend meetings (if you have to), but keep your mouth shut about your views. If they ask you, reassure them that you are just fine, just dealing with some inner issues, personal (but nothing immoral!), and that you will be all right.
If they suggest BYU as your college goal, try to get them to allow you to go somewhere else, and assure them that you will take Institute classes. If you get pressure to go on a mission, tell them that you don't feel that God wants you to do that, and that you wouldn't go unless you get a distinct call from God.
It is probably not a good idea to try to deconvert your parents or other family members. As St. Paul said (one of the few things he said that I agree with), each person must work out their own salvation. It's not up to you to show them the truth. However, if they insist on knowing what's bothering you, take the approach that you just want to know the truth, and that you are having trouble understanding certain things, and you would like to believe it, so "please help me to understand this." If they give you the "pray, read the scriptures" line, say that you have been doing that, and the more you get no answer to your prayers and the more you read the scriptures, the more puzzling it becomes. You need solid, factual explanations. (You might even suggest that God has told you to study these things and that your church leaders will give you the satisfactory explanations.) If they give you the line, "We'll get the explanation in the next life," tell them that in the meantime you can't believe it, and you can't pretend to believe something that looks false.
Unfortunately, most Mormons cannot and will not discuss things in any detail. They simply use the "faith" argument, or say that "Satan" is causing these problems. On those issues, see my articles at http://packham.n4m.org/faith.htm and http://packham.n4m.org/satan.htm.
I can assure you that you are not alone. Thousands of Mormons are leaving the church, many of them in situations like yours. In fact, there are more people who have left the church than are still in it. (See "How many exmormons are there?" at http://packham.n4m.org/morexmos.htm)
Write back if you have questions.
Best wishes,
Richard
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So...where do I start? I'm 18, still in highschool, and have been mormon since birth. My dad is the 1st counselor in the bishopric, my mom an avid believer with an "unshakable testimony." It was about a month ago I had my first major realization that the church wasn't true. I have been wondering about the church for a while, but always thought I knew in my heart in was true. This knew realization shocked me. I felt sick. How could this church that I was so sure about decieve me? And what do I do now? What about my family, who are still blinded by its lies? I just need some advice, so please help.
---------------
I replied:
First of all, congratulations on having figured it out. Unfortunately a lot of Mormons don't manage to do that until they are 40 or 50, and have a Mormon spouse and Mormon kids, after having devoted a lifetime of energy (and tithing money) to the church.
Since you are still living at home and dependent on your parents, my first advice is to keep quiet about your views on the church. Some Mormon parents get very angry and vindictive when they find out that their wonderful born-in-the-covenant child no longer believes, and they do all kinds of mean things, like throw them out of the house, cut them out of the will, etc.
So although you may slack off, to the extent you can, on being an enthusiastic Mormon, you should continue to observe the Word of Wisdom, attend meetings (if you have to), but keep your mouth shut about your views. If they ask you, reassure them that you are just fine, just dealing with some inner issues, personal (but nothing immoral!), and that you will be all right.
If they suggest BYU as your college goal, try to get them to allow you to go somewhere else, and assure them that you will take Institute classes. If you get pressure to go on a mission, tell them that you don't feel that God wants you to do that, and that you wouldn't go unless you get a distinct call from God.
It is probably not a good idea to try to deconvert your parents or other family members. As St. Paul said (one of the few things he said that I agree with), each person must work out their own salvation. It's not up to you to show them the truth. However, if they insist on knowing what's bothering you, take the approach that you just want to know the truth, and that you are having trouble understanding certain things, and you would like to believe it, so "please help me to understand this." If they give you the "pray, read the scriptures" line, say that you have been doing that, and the more you get no answer to your prayers and the more you read the scriptures, the more puzzling it becomes. You need solid, factual explanations. (You might even suggest that God has told you to study these things and that your church leaders will give you the satisfactory explanations.) If they give you the line, "We'll get the explanation in the next life," tell them that in the meantime you can't believe it, and you can't pretend to believe something that looks false.
Unfortunately, most Mormons cannot and will not discuss things in any detail. They simply use the "faith" argument, or say that "Satan" is causing these problems. On those issues, see my articles at http://packham.n4m.org/faith.htm and http://packham.n4m.org/satan.htm.
I can assure you that you are not alone. Thousands of Mormons are leaving the church, many of them in situations like yours. In fact, there are more people who have left the church than are still in it. (See "How many exmormons are there?" at http://packham.n4m.org/morexmos.htm)
Write back if you have questions.
Best wishes,
Richard
Richard,
Your analysis of Mormons versus exmormons is invaluable. With the new census now available, would you be so kind as to update your information as best you are able? I, for one, would be most grateful and, no doubt, so would many others who frequent this board.
Thanks!
Nebularry
Your analysis of Mormons versus exmormons is invaluable. With the new census now available, would you be so kind as to update your information as best you are able? I, for one, would be most grateful and, no doubt, so would many others who frequent this board.
Thanks!
Nebularry
Nebularry Wrote:
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> Richard,
>
> Your analysis of Mormons versus exmormons is
> invaluable. With the new census now available,
> would you be so kind as to update your information
> as best you are able? I, for one, would be most
> grateful and, no doubt, so would many others who
> frequent this board.
What "new census" are you referring to? (The U.S. census does not list religious affiliation). Can you be more specific?
-------------------------------------------------------
> Richard,
>
> Your analysis of Mormons versus exmormons is
> invaluable. With the new census now available,
> would you be so kind as to update your information
> as best you are able? I, for one, would be most
> grateful and, no doubt, so would many others who
> frequent this board.
What "new census" are you referring to? (The U.S. census does not list religious affiliation). Can you be more specific?
With all due respect, my advise would be different. You're advice to live a lie, even if temporary, in order to avoid conflict is, in my view, incorrect.
First, it will not work. His lack of enthusiam and commitment will surface almost immediately, probably when he is asked to prepare to go on a mission, or teach a class, or whatever. Being dishonest will only bring more inner conflict.
I would have suggested to first arm himself with knowledge by further and extensive investigation, so that he is confident in his understanding of the falsehood of Mormonism. I would then suggest he sit down and advise his parents of his feelings, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they will not respond with extreme retribution. They will be disappointed, sure, but most parents in this situation will want to save the child, not bully them into submission. If not, then there is no time like the present to make a clean break, and start a new life. Will it be difficult, of course, but this is coming sooner or later anyway, and it serves no purpose to prolong the inevitable. I would give anything to have the 40 plus years back I would have had had I come to my senses as a teenager.
Finally, I would advise him to find a support person or group that he can befriend who understands his dilemma. There are a lot of former members out there now, such that in the community "coming out" is not as serious a risk as it once was if one can find support, Certainly this Board is an excellent resource.
First, it will not work. His lack of enthusiam and commitment will surface almost immediately, probably when he is asked to prepare to go on a mission, or teach a class, or whatever. Being dishonest will only bring more inner conflict.
I would have suggested to first arm himself with knowledge by further and extensive investigation, so that he is confident in his understanding of the falsehood of Mormonism. I would then suggest he sit down and advise his parents of his feelings, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they will not respond with extreme retribution. They will be disappointed, sure, but most parents in this situation will want to save the child, not bully them into submission. If not, then there is no time like the present to make a clean break, and start a new life. Will it be difficult, of course, but this is coming sooner or later anyway, and it serves no purpose to prolong the inevitable. I would give anything to have the 40 plus years back I would have had had I come to my senses as a teenager.
Finally, I would advise him to find a support person or group that he can befriend who understands his dilemma. There are a lot of former members out there now, such that in the community "coming out" is not as serious a risk as it once was if one can find support, Certainly this Board is an excellent resource.
My heart goes out to you. I would hope you had relatives not in the cult who could understand. You have to play the "game of deception". You will need them to help with college. See about scholarship's anywhere but BYU. DON"T GO A MISSION_IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!!!
He is still dependent on them and will be for some time...now is not the time to speak his mind. I agree with you - he should keep quiet. Unfortunately "support groups" don't pay the rent, college tuition, etc - so from a pragmatic economical perspective - you gave him some very sound realistic advise. Well done. I very much disagree with Boltzman.
I think some of the advice might have worked 20 years ago, but not now. The church is less and less about personal revelation now and more about just doing what the leaders tell you without question. Do not go to god with your questions, and do not ask anyone because satisfactory answers are known by others who are smarter, and more worthy to know them. The answers we do get are canned, or the question is shelved as irrelevant to the larger picture of serving the "greater good."
Telling his parents he's waiting for God to tell him if he should serve a mission is going to set off red flags all around since tscc has issued their directive that all young men should serve missions.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2010 07:04PM by vhainya.
Telling his parents he's waiting for God to tell him if he should serve a mission is going to set off red flags all around since tscc has issued their directive that all young men should serve missions.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2010 07:04PM by vhainya.