Background: My ex is a TBM with a history of molestation in his family. He was molested by his grandpa and others and he in turn molested his friends at a young age. He didn't reveal any of this to me until after we had kids. I was heart-broken and he promised he would never leave his kids alone with his Dad. His family, Bishop, and even Stake President were involved, but not surprisingly, authorities were never called.
Jump to the present: After going through a divorce, I confronted my in-laws about the abuse in their family. They said they knew nothing of it and that they were hurt that nothing had been said to them before. They promised me they would protect my children and never let anything bad happen to them while they were at their house with their dad.
Recently, I've caught my 8 year-old son exposing himself to a friend, and also using my back massager on his crotch and showing friends how to do it.
Is this normal for kids? I don't know if I'm over-reacting to the situation because of the history of my ex or if this behavior is abnormal for boys. I know boys can be more curious than girls and I know my brothers did some pretty dumb things, but I feel completely helpless, clueless and scared. What if I turn into one of those TBM moms who make their sons feel like criminals for masturbating??? Someone please help.

That's a really tough situation. Have you talked to your son about what to do if he is touched inappropriately? You can talk to him about "good touch" vs. "bad touch", and that other people (except for a doctor) shouldn't touch him in the area covered by his swimming suit (that's how they generally say it for boys and girls). I would talk to him about privacy, and explain that it's not polite to show your privates to your friends. Let him know that he can talk to you about anything that's bothering him. Masturbation is normal, but his friends' parents probably aren't happy that your son is doing that in front of them. And if you find out that your son has been molested, you can immediately stop it and get help for him.

The sooner you talk to him about privacy, the better. He'll understand that exploration is fine and normal, but private.

However, don't be surprised about finding even more horrific practices as he enters puberty. It's not pretty, but is normal. Just keep emphasizing the nature of privacy and that it's not shameful, just private.

According to the books I've read on raising children, boys and girls find things that feel good very early. Little girls will ride their toys, and little boys will rub up against things. It is American culture and religion that tells us these things are bad.

So to your question...

There was sexual abuse in your husband's family, and your little boy is using a massager. But you can't be certain that the 2 things are related.

Since I'm not a doctor, I'm going to take a layman's shot at this, and also that of of a parent. Have a discussion with him about privacy. There are things you do in private, and things you do outside.

You can also use a teddy bear to ask him if anybody has touched him in his "underwear" area or if they have exposed themselves to him. That's what therapists use when working with abuse victims who are very young.

If you are still concerned, seek professional help for him immediately. My advice as a parent is to not overreact.

We had a lot of animals when I was little. I had seen them breed. My brother actually drew a picture of a bull and a cow breeding and gave it to his 3rd grade teacher, who promptly called a parent-teacher conference. My dad looked at it and said, "We have animals. My kids have seen breeding, birth, and death. What's the problem?" Our prude teacher thought we were lowlifes.

What I'm saying is that kids become aware of sex much before we want them to. Sometimes, heaven forbid, they are sexualized because somebody did something inappropriate. But the literature suggests that kids are sexual from very early on. We as parents just need to teach them to do these things in private. When he learns about masturbation, he'll do it in his room and lock the door. So teaching about privacy now is wise. But I've very liberal about that stuff.

Whatever you do, don't make him think he's dirty.

Since you are concerned about what's best for him, I don't suspect that will be a problem. But it's always worth repeating.

Thank you to all of you for your advice and for sharing experiences. I feel a little more at peace knowing this behavior isn't unheard of.

In one of my text books on Human Sexuality (I should find it to give a reference to the stats, but I'm too lazy) it states that the majority of Males in the U.S. have their first sexual experiences with another male. Only about 10 percent of a population is gay, so there are a lot of guys who aren't gay who had their first experimenting with another boy as a child.

The fact that he was experimenting around other boys is normal, and doesn't mean a thing about his eventual sexuality at all. But as other posters have mentioned, he could be taught about things being private. He could also be taught that sexual things between adults and kids is not good, and should be reported to you, as long as you are on the topic of sexual right and wrong.

He could also be gently told that demonstrating some things isn't a good idea, because some parents are very weird about such things being shared with their children, and if they find out, they might have a come apart and make a big deal about it. Do it in the vein of what he did wasn't horrible and wrong, more like some people get weird out by it, so it's better if you don't show the other kids.

Most mormon parents make it about sex being wrong, not about pro-social behavior and social norms.

Boy, I hope the kids he has done this with are not TBM and you are not in Utah. My barely 5 year old and some kids showed themselves, and my son got blamed that he was abusing these other 5 kids who were the same ages, and went to bp and such and i got called in to ask if my dh was sexually abusing my kid, since we had talked to bp and had told him about our abuse.

Icing on the cake as far as us leaving, just the ignorance they showed, they fully believed this was sin, and offered to pay for his therapy through LDS.

Hateful people some of them.

I would say, being somewhat of an expert, though not licensed as of yet, that definitely you need to adress the possibility that he has been abused. The behaviors, age are red flags to DCFS. He is on the older end of what is normal "sex play" so it may be just that, but better to have you address it than someone else.

I so wished that someone had called DCFS instead of making it a church matter, they would have laughed their asses off. BYU gradutes had no fucking clue...

Everyone here is right in their advice. Most normal people outside the morg recognize this and admit to stuff themselves, bt god forbid if the idiots run with this.

Good luck, you are doing all the right things.