I went on a trip to see my favorite aunts, uncles, and cousins this past week. I had a great time, but was shocked at how hard it is to even be around the TBM's that I even like a lot. I just didn't anticipate that.

I heard more craziness than I could remember, but some typical representations were things about Gays "shoving it down our throats" and the typical talk about Gays.

A cousin talking about being too poor to be having more children, "But we won't let that stop us, we know we are commanded to have children".

Pet peeves being voiced about how people dress at relief society, and said very harshly.

Chit chat about a cool place to see that has fossils, and how cool it is that heavenly father took them from another world, and used them to make our world, because we know that our world isn't that old.

And many, many more things just like that. I was hearing stuff like that constantly during my stay. And these are people that I really like. They are the fun side of the family. The ones that drink coke, play face cards, camp on sunday etc. unlike my own family.

This was my first visit to family after knowing it was all a big lie. I just didn't anticipate that even seeing the people you really like is so much more difficult when you know it's a cult.

Anyone else get that shock?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2011 10:20AM by DNA.

Still hoping to find out if others were surprised when even family that they really liked became hard to be around.

Did it happen to you?

I like my family, but the further I get from the time we left LDSinc (10 years), and the less I see the family, the more startling their behaviour and language seems.

What startles me most, I think, is how removed they are from the normal course of current events and popular culture. They don't seem to know anything about anything. And the things they do talk about seem trivial. They talk about their callings and other people's callings. They talk about "the brethren" and what they say. And they talk about their money and how "the church" blesses those who are righteous. And sometimes, if you can get them to talk long enough (there's always a batch or four of little children running around needing this and that) they will speculate about "end times."

What they can't talk about is a recent favourite TV show or movie or album. What they can't talk about is recent political and cultural events and trends. What they can't talk about is the way the world actually is right now, today. They quite literally don't seem to know anything about that.

It's so true! Even when I was TBM I never fit in, especially with DWs family (Utah mormons).

I would make pop-culture references all the time and they would just look at me like I was a mad man (which I am).

It is interesting to see how many of the conversations at family things really do revolve aroung the church in some way. I hadn't really noticed until DH pointed it out.

I usually just smile vacantly until we move on to real conversations, but DH and I usually have a fun time in the car on the way home 1-uping each other with silly things we heard my family say.

It's really a shock. They say things that are so ignorant it makes me gasp. Then, since I can't discuss the falsehood with them, my mind starts whirling around trying to understand the world they live in that causes intelligent people to believe such things. It takes a lot of energy to be around people like that, and I have gotten to where I just spend time with my friends and avoid the Mormons if I can help it.

You never realize how much TBMs talk constantly about church until you are away from it all and then go back.

That was a little shocking.

I had my first shock last summer. I usually take my boys on a long road trip every summer to visit family and friends in Idaho and Utah. I had looked forward to our most recent trip for months because I had three weeks to mosey along and visit everyone I wanted to.

I was crushed after a visit to my great aunt and uncle's home. These are people I adore. They took special interest in me as a child and I remember hitching rides with them to family reunions when my own family couldn't go. When I had a small crisis in college trying to decide what I should major in (I was very concerned with what god would want), this was the uncle that I talked to and he introduced me to the major I chose and loved.

So there I was, so happy that my boys were with me. My mom was there too. And we were visiting... but I was uncomfortable. What?!? I love these people!

I felt like I didn't belong there. Spiritual stories were being swapped, one in particular about their grandson who saw a dead relative while on a pioneer trek reenactment, and I was on the outside of the conversation. It all seemed so silly and ridiculous to me.

I'm having a hard time trying to describe the way I felt. I was so sad that the relationship just wasn't the same for me. The magic was gone so to speak. I didn't have that "high" feeling after spending time with them.

Multiple times throughout my trip, I kept having the same feeling. It was devastating.

There's another side to all of this too.
How many times have you been with the TBM family when the conversation seems "normal". Having been in the Church for 45 years and 13 out I hear these things but my brain expects it. It never bothers me because it's the expectation. I'd be disappointed at anything else.
The first time I took my wife to Utah to visit the family I prepped her a bit but wanted her to experience the "mormon thing" without muddying her expectations. After meeting my oldest brother and having to tolerate his company for about an hour our visit was done and drove to our motel room. She looked at me laughing about 10 seconds into the drive and pronounces, "he is the most pompous A$$ I have ever met". She was so startled at the LDS experience having grown up Catholic that she can still get worked up about it 3 years later.
Silly Mormons, tricks are for sex.

I had my best friend over last summer and he and my wife were talking about the Manti Temple. They then started talking about how Moroni came to every temple site and blessed it for future temple use or something to that effect.

Then my best friend said that it was amazing how Moroni was able to travel to all those sites. And that it would be pretty cool to be able to travel by thought like he did. No lie, he really said that.

We have been friends for 25+ years and he has accepted me as not believing anymore, so I do not try to discredit his beliefs either. But that one just about made me bite all the way through my tongue.

And these people all vote

Too scary if I think about that for more than ten seconds.

Normally he is a pretty sharp guy.

The only thing I could figure is that he believed the story that Moroni had been to all the temple sites. When you really think about that how else does a man back before cars, boats, planes or even the wheel get to all of those places while carrying the plates, the sword of laban and all his living essentials how else could he possibly cover that many sites in a lifetime?

The mental gynastics required to believe all of the church should be blatenly obvious what the real truth is. Some see it, some dont.

I'm embarrassed by how long it took me to see.

Well, if you hang out with ghost believers, then suddenly see how silly it is, how superstitious, then of course everything's changed.

Consider that you've reached a new enlightened state of consciousness. They're still in the darkness.

The truth sets you free. Sadly, they think they're free, but they're not. Their truth is a lie.

@queenofdenial, it was very similar for me. These were the relatives that I liked the most. They were the ones who, when compared to my family, were the fun ones.

And the aunt sat around all day and night "Indexing". What a colossal waste of time that is.

The difference for me is this:

These are NOT the relatives that are preaching to me or making not-so-subtle hints regarding my churchless state.

They are just being themselves, content in their TBM lives, loving me and respectful.

That's why it's such a shocker.

I am with you all. I love my TBM family but they really do talk about the church a lot and I don't really have much to say when they do talk about it. Then they ask what did I do this weekend and I say I went to a food and wine festival they then say they don't want to hear about my sinning. I'm like well you freaking asked me.

There is a lot of stuff to talk about but just nothing personal or nothing to do with religion. It really drives a wedge in the family relationship :(

My "but what about" questions are replied with "I don't care, I know what I feel." And yes, the goofiness of what they claim to be reality amazes me.

And I've noticed, contrary to the old "we're not Christians, we're Mormons" theme, my TBM family has Jesus everwhere... every room. There's the OT Jesus, the NT Jesus, the BofM Jesus, the European statue Jesus, Jesus in locales he was never in, craft-made Jesus, NT quotes from Jesus, made-up quotes from Jesus, The First Presidency's testimony of Jesus...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2011 03:38PM by jpt.

Don't they hear the hilarious irony there?

One would think if it were happening that much we'd be hearing testimonials from thousands of satisfied gay men...

The first time I met my husband's TBM family they talked about their missions the whole time. Usually starting with some food or something, six kids to six different places in the world plus his father, someone is bound to have a food story. It escalates from there to a faith-inspiring (read vomit-inducing) story.

Then the next time the same thing happened. This continued for about three years. I naturally assumed this was just another passive aggressive tactic his mother was using to make me uncomfortable and keep me from participating in the conversation (me being the horrible nevermo who lead her precious son away from the church).

One night after leaving their house on our two-hour drive home I joked in passing something like, "how are you going to relate that back to your mission?"

My husband turned to me with a horrified look on his face and said, "WHAT?" I pointed out how the conversation always turned to missions whenever his parents or siblings were around. He started thinking about it and said he never even realized it, that's just how it always was. By the time we got home he was furious. To this day he gets pissed off every time we spend time with his family.

After I pointed it out to my husband, and eventually his gay ex-mormon brother, they were just as appalled as I was. It still happens but now I have allies in my battles to change the subject.

I also had a similar awakening like your husband. I was so annoyed by all the mormon talk, but I thought that it must have been happening all along, I just didn't notice it before.

It was a flashing red light this time.

Oh, yes. THAT shock!

They held a special birthday dinner for my mum. Sandwiched between the pre-recorded sessions of a general conference. The conference was why she wasn't taken out for a meal.

I limit myself to family gatherings. And never arrive sober as that dulls the part of me that wants to let rip.

It's like my family doesn't know what to say around us anymore. They still talk about churchy stuff, they just are weirder about it now. It annoys me to no end.

Luckily, I discovered a cousin of mine is atheist. My husband and I hang around him most of the time, or he hangs around us. Either way, safety in numbers.

I have a hard time going home now. Every single conversation is about the church. If another topic happens to comes up it gets back to the church somehow within seconds. It's laughable! They spend every waking moment thinking/talking about church and yet they are completely ignorant of any objective history. Any sports talk is met with some stupid comment about a "golden calf", Politics of course is seen solely through the John Birch Society lens. DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!