Hi everyone. I am up at college now, living on my own, and trying to live my life according to how I want to live it. I no longer have to fake it and abide by my mom's rules of living and breathing the church "as long as I live under her roof" anymore. She called me tonight, asking how I was doing and such. I told her I was really stressed out, trying to find a job so I could pay my tuition, housing, etc. off as soon as I could. I told her I was really stressed because I wasn't having any luck finding a job, and her first response was that I'm not finding a job because I'm not putting faith in God or the church. It really, really bothers me, and even makes me sad that instead of having my mother reach out and comfort me human to human, the first things she spouts off is I need to trust God to help me find a job. I wish she could just look at the world and try and rationalize and reason things out instead of just saying "everything will be fine if I ask God for help and trust him". It's like a cop-out. She thinks that every tough situation in life will be magically remedied if we go to church and ask God for help and obey the commandments. It hurts me because I just want a parent, or even family member to just speak to me like a normal person and try and figure life's problems out like normal people instead of just automatically turning it into a faith tester. Ya know what I mean?

...God always gets the credit and he NEVER loses.

This is how it goes, A young man in the ward gets sick - really sick - ICU hospital sick. The whole ward fasts and prays. If he gets better then the church is true and God is wonderful. If he dies then God needed him on the other side and it proves the church is true and God is even more wonderful.

Now let's apply this gospel principle to your situation. Your mom will pray for you to find a job. If you get one, then the church is true and you now owe it to her to go to church because it's true. If you don't get a job and you have to move back home then God wants you to be back under the influence of those who have more faith. This proves the church is true and now you need to go to church because God is wonderful.

So you see, your mom will never see things from your perspective, she simply can't. There's a huge blind spot caused by her faith. I recommend you find ways to love her anyway. Good luck with that.

Stunted.

It used to infuriate me to no end how God always gets the credit, especially in medical emergencies whether the person lives or dies. It still bothers me, but this perspective isn't going away anytime soon so I've learned to bite my tongue and let it go.

Never mind the medical team that fought brilliantly to save the person, or the firemen who risked their lives to enter a burning building, etc. etc. etc. They might have just stayed home and had a brew - god did it all.

Your job is out there waiting for you, You will be working before you know it. Luck is in your life.

a good ass beating for you from the circumstances of life is always acceptable for you as long as it serves to bring you back into the fold, if it doesnt then it means you need/deserve more harrowing experiences. that is the mindset of a TBM parent. that sentiment does not exactly foster love & endearment as you so aptly noted. it was a real wake up call for me when I realized that my parents were just as content to see me wiped out or even dead rather than to have me question their foul religion /POS church when I started cut loose from their MORmON thinking after my mission.

MORmONS are SICK! MORmONS SUCK!
after all, MORmONS believe it was OK to hack off labans head because he refused to turn over civic property to god's self proclaimed prophet (Shades of joe smith there !)

Amen to everything Stunted said.

Persistence pays off. Seen it over and over and over. Keep all available irons in the fire. Hang in there rallychild. Good for you for recognizing the "faith cards" of ignorance. She is only repeating what shes been taught. It's almost not her fault.

to tell you what would work for you. How sad that she has such a narrow and useless perspective on life.

Blame the church for that. She is doing the best she can, given the indoctrination she had. Poor thing.

Yeah, it sucks to get a parent that isn't the right one for you. Even one that couldn't help but could see you for who you really are would help.

You have to be so independent, so self reliant. You have to invent your own life because you aren't getting help or role models. It's harder, but it makes you stronger.

Look at this way Rally Child, your mom is brainwashed like a Catholic or Muslim Mother would be. "I'll pray to Virgin Mother that you will find a job" or "I will go to mosque, and Allah will provide". This is the real deal: Keep pushing forward, work hard, and you will prevail ... like countless generations have before you. You'll be fine without the Mormon God. One silver lining to consider ... mom still loves you.

Ask your mom if there is anyone in her ward that doesn't have a job. Now, I bet the person in the ward is doing everything your mom prescribes for you. Why isn't it working for them? Because the church is not a magic band-aid. People have struggles inside the church and outside of it. What a newsflash.@@

...that there are plenty of people who *have* put their faith in God and the LDS church who are unemployed or who have lost their homes. Utah has had one of the highest rates of home foreclosures in the nation. For unemployment, I believe that they come in somewhere around the average.

But if it makes her feel better, tell her that she'll just have to do the praying for you.

I know what it's like to feel that you and your mom are speaking two different languages. You crave one type of response, and then get another one altogether that does not comfort or satisfy.

I kept working on my relationship with my mom and eventually it did get better.

...check your on-campus employment center, and also bulletin boards (at your student union or bookstore) for job postings. Ask to talk to the food services manager at the student cafeteria, and inquire around the chemistry or biology department (professors often hire students to clean out test tubes, etc.) Put the drumbeat out to all your professors, counselors, etc.

The best on-campus jobs are often offered through the work/study option of your financial aid package.

Aw, that sucks. Try to blow it off. I heard the exact same thing from my dad. I had graduated from college and in my little Ohio hometown, there were hardly any jobs when the economy was good. There was a little recession going on at that time, so I ended up expanding my job search by a few hours to include the two major cities that were both within 2 hours of my hometown.

I vividly remember breaking down in tears over the classifieds at my dad's dinner table because there was not a single freaking job in my field available in my city. Not one. And his empathetic, understanding response was, "Well I know what you need, but I know you don't want to hear it. If you go back to church, you'll find a job."

I am here to tell you, rallychild, that is complete BS. You knew that already, I'm sure. I did manage to cobble together three crappy jobs each of which I was horribly overqualified for. But they earned me enough money to pack my bags and take a real job 1,000 miles away and start my own life on my own terms. I never even considered going back to church and I never stepped foot in one since way before that incident. It's just confirmation bias. You will get a job sooner or later, regardless if you are a TBM or a Satanist. It's just a matter of time. Your religion has nothing to do with it. So just carry on, keep looking, you will find something.

And try to blow it off when your parents say crap like this to you. They truly do not know any better. Look at it this way: You are very fortunate to have your eyes wide open at your age, so that your repressive religious brainwashing doesn't limit your opportunities to do what you want to do with your life. The world is at your feet and your bliss is out there, waiting for you to pursue it. When you think about it that way, I feel really sorry for my parents who think they have to live their lives with so much fear and shame and constraints on the choices they are able to make for themselves. You can make any choice you want without fear or shame.

You are most definitely in a much better position to be able to cope with life, so nod and smile at your mom, mentally pat her on the head, and then go about your own business. I know it sucks to not have parents you can talk to about career development, but you can find a professor or grad student or professional mentor and pick that person's brain for the sort of support and advice you're looking for from your parents. They are who they are and you're not going to change that. If they can't meet your needs, then find someone who will. Doesn't mean you have to cut off your relationship with your parents; it just means, build other, new relationships with people who will meet the needs you want your parents to meet.

P.S. If you're not shy, there's always nude modeling for the art department at any non-mormon university. I'm thinking of going over to the local university and signing up myself, just for some extra cash. ;>)

hi,
you mentioned your problems or goals with challenges, to your mom. So possibly your mom thought you meant that she needed to help you ascertain how to fix, find solutions, get intended results, brainstorm, - and solve your problems which you had mentioned to her needed to be resolved.

it is possible that when one proposes one's situation with the situation's present down sides, that one is challenged by, and attempting to resolve- that this then becomes an intention which is shared in the conversation or communication between the two conversating.

it is probably likely that anyone that cares about someone else will possibly wonder what they can do to help, or wonder if the person is asking for some sort of help- assistance, ideas, brainstorm-

at the very least that one is asking for someone to express their concern and sympathy, as a part of that communication. Like a friend at the least, and like close family possibly, not like distant family (hm oh well) or an enemy (ha! * )

so sometimes all that one has to make in offering- is their own established coping skills, or coping routine.


some one's coping skills and routine for self care, and problem solving solutions- must adjust based on age, stage, situational variantions. . . and even learning or ideas (must fit your philosophy)

one's best coping strategy may not quite fit the age stage needs circumstance or intrinsic difference in another, for instance:
telling one's teen ager to do yoga, preventing anxiety in a parent as a coping skill- if that teen ager had hyper activity all theri life, might not really work for them. It might cause more anxiety to try to sit still.


she is telling you what she thinks you are asking her to: her coping strategy, an answer, a solution she thought you needed because you asked her about it- indirectly albeit by spreading out your circustance or difficulty or situaiton or even, a small problem or maybe dire straights.

ok find a way to share your day or situation - and present your coping situation or strategy yourself.

in your conversation with your mom that is.

so find a way to share your day or situation, and present your own developed or developing coping situation or coping strategy you have implemented, or are implementing--
WHEN you present your day or somewhat down side of it, and the down side of your situation.

in presenting it, communicating with your mom.

Calibri (Body)

I know it’s hard but like the others say try to not take any of this personal and don’t beat yourself up over this. Maybe try and take all of that energy and put it into finding a job and put your TBM mom out of your mind. As hard as it sounds to do, though.

My TBM mom is the same. I’m almost 50 and left the church at 18 and my TBM still will say things to me like that. She will NEVER stop. I remember one time when things were going rather well for me, I called my TBM mom with my good news (I had gotten a promotion at work) and her response to my good news was “Satan gives blessings too you know”.

Hugs to you…

Holy Shit rrg! I hope you are exagerating...

I am not -- true story, word for word!

Also, I was a single mom trying to make ends meet. I actually did okay on my own, although it was a struggle. Anytime I would try and talk to my TBM mom about this her response was always "use knee power", as if prayer would would pay my rent...

Jesus, why doesn't she just send you a little cash on the side to tie you over.

She could do it if she did not have to pay for her salvation in Mormonism.

The cult produces such bad parents.

I worked in the college cafeteria 7 days a week when I was in college. It was close and I worked dinnertime every night I did not have classes and brunch/dinner on the weekends. It worked out great for me, I also got to eat the leftovers after dinner was over for free, so my grocery bills went way down.

This was a great option for me, I did not have work study, but many of the workers did. This enabled me to not have to ask for a penny from my parents, ever. And I never would have taken any money they offered, it comes attached with too many strings. :) Hang in there, there is something out there for you. :)

kinds of coping techniques she uses. That is her support system. It's religious. This is not likely to change: ever. That is how she is. It is what it is.

So, in the future, find a way to circumvent her "help."
Change how you tell her what is going on in your life.
Minimize your problems, and emphasis the positive things in your life.
And, remember: it's not personal. She is being the best kind of parent she knows how to be.

You're inactive/not a member and don't find a job, it's because you did not remain faithful.

You're an active TBM and don't find a job, Gawd is testing you.

Hang in there. Hope you succeed.