I found out (by accident) that my family has been adding my name to the prayer scrolls at the temple and are holding a special fast for me to have a change of heart... while I'm touched by thier bizarre expression of compassion I'm also annoyed at the lack of respect for my beliefs and decisions that is implied by this act. So like any good passive-aggressive mormon (ex- or otherwise) I wrote a letter that will probably never get sent, I spent enough time on it that I couldn't bring myself to not share it somewhere so I figured here was as good a place as any to unload a little baggage, and it might even spark an interesting discussion...






I understand why you are doing what you are doing. It wasn’t more than a few years ago that I believed exactly as you do today and I appreciate your concern for my spiritual wellbeing. However the simple fact of the matter is that no amount of love, prayer, or fasting done on my behalf will make me “believe” again.

Despite what you may have been told to believe, my decision to leave the church does not stem from a desire to commit sin, drink beer, or wear comfortable underwear once more; nor was I ever offended by anyone at church prior to my decision to leave. To the contrary, I actually love and respect all my friends and family still. I believe you all to be good people who are genuinely trying to be good. We may now disagree on all the details that make a person “good” but the core definition of a good and moral person is shared across nearly all cultures, faiths, and philosophies. As we focus on those shared ideals I believe we can maintain the love and respect that we once shared.

I know my decision to leave has caused pain and confusion to those closest to me, especially my beloved wife, and for this I am deeply sorry. None of us lives in a vacuum and the choices and actions of one person can affect many. I ask that you please understand that this was not a painless decision for me to make and I made this choice after careful consideration.

When evidence and logic stand opposed to deeply held beliefs it causes a rift in your heart and a choice must be made; do you ignore truth and reason while you hold on to those feelings you have or do you choose to examine your beliefs in the harsh light of evidence, truth, logic, and honesty? If your beliefs are based in truth then evidence, logic and reason will eventually vindicate those beliefs. The most difficult part is that in order to maintain any integrity during the process you must examine ALL of your beliefs, and be willing to have the humility to own your beliefs and accept that you were wrong. Before accepting any evidence as “truth” I first had to determine its credibility (this is quite difficult because there is a natural bias to accept the things you already agree with without review), as well as examine its source and context. Doing this was a time consuming but fascinating (and surprisingly rewarding) exercise.

After determining that the claims supporting my beliefs did not withstand scrutiny while claims and evidence that contradicted those beliefs did hold up and in most cases was easily verifiable, I came to the conclusion that the faith that was once a strength in my life was false. At my lowest point I wished I could accept as true the things I knew to be false; I tried to live my life as though I believed still, fearful of hurting and losing the love of the person I cared for most in this world. Soon I began to feel increasingly distant from my wife because I could not express myself honestly, and to my great shame began to resent her for lie I was choosing to live.

Moving forward, I have committed myself to live my life in an honest fashion. I do not believe the claims of authenticity made about the Book of Mormon, Book of Abraham, the first vision, nor do I believe many of the claims made by the church and it's leaders... ultimately I cannot associate with a group that labels any verifiable fact (no matter how inconvenient) as “anti”. When you call the truth your enemy you are also declaring yourself an enemy of truth.

I am willing to accept you for who you are and will strive to be respectful of your beliefs. I would ask that you afford me the same acceptance and respect; I would also remind you that when you pray and fast for a change of heart to occur in me you are betraying your lack of respect for my beliefs and my ability to choose those beliefs.

Beautifully crafted . . . never sending??? hmmmmm.

+1 - beautifully crafted and obviously from the heart.

IMO, anyone who truly loves you wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) be offended by this at all.

Must have felt good to get it all out.

I think you are wise not to send it. I don't think these letters that are mostly dealing with our own process, will have a positive, constructive outcome. Probably the opposite.

I don't know how many times my name was put on prayer rolls or people fasted for me. Probably quite a few. Fortunately, it's totally powerless--didn't change the outcome. I'm still not a believer or a member anymore.

I am a strong believer in putting our thoughts down in writing. I think he helps us get a clearer understanding of exactly what is going on. It's very interesting, in my case, anyhow, to go back and read what I wrote eight or ten years ago and see how much I've changed.

It was surprisingly therapeudic. I find this board very helpful in allowing me a safe place to voice my thoughts and feelings.

I didn't send in part because I'm not supposed to know about the fast (DW left IE open to her email inbox on the laptop last night) and in part because I don't think anyone really cares about my process. Besides, the only person I feel I owe any kind of answer to is my wife.

I do find it telling however that when presented with an arguement based in fact and reasoning the natural response for many (if not most) mormons is to go to "feelings" and prayer rather than discuss any evidence and my findings.

If I were really trying to change somebodies mind I would ask them to explain why they believed what they believed, then point out fallacies in the evidence and reasoning behind the belief. But I honestly don't think it's about me, I think the fast is about them trying to convince themselves that what they believe is true, and when my mind is not changed rather than admit that god has failed to hear thier prayers and recognize thier fast they will say it is evidence that my heart is so hard that not even god was able to soften it.

+1

Send it. It's excellent and from the heart. You'll find out who really cares about you.

Beautiful!

As for how you found out, cover your tracks and tell them as part of your letter that you discerned their actions through inspiration gleaned from thoughtful mediation. That's pretty much how bishops operate...learn from their intelligence network and then attribute it to priesthood discernment.