Posted by:
imaworkinonit
(
)
Date: January 17, 2011 02:01AM
Starting with the fact that they showed up as a pair (outnumbering you) without an appointment, presumably to catch you off guard. You can't tell me that wasn't a power play.
It would be perfectly reasonable to ask them to call ahead of time instead of just dropping in to push their religion on you.
derrida Wrote:
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> Two old ward friends showed up today. I have seen
> them only a time or two over the last year since I
> stopped going to the LDS ward on Sunday. They
> knocked and when I answered one of them tried to
> come in. I steered him back out onto the front
> porch. Boundaries man.
>
Real friends don't show up in pairs at the door without calling first. Especially if you haven't seen them but a couple of times in a year. I don't know about other people, but I don't even go to my closest friend in the neighborhood's house without calling first.
Good for you to steer them to the porch.
> They said the spirit touched them to come see me
> today, that me not being at their ward on Sunday
> was like missing a family member (they did not say
> my not being around was like missing someone who
> was dead, but that was going unsaid I think). I
> told them, "Well, now you have seen me." They got
> around, after the chit chat, to mentioning that
> they couldn't think of what they had done to
> offend me. I told them they had done nothing to
> bother me.
>
So the spirit touched them both. Today. YEAH RIGHT. And how'd that work out for them? Did the spirit touch YOU, too? Maybe their spirit should spend it's time where it'll do more good for their cause.
What really happened: They were in a meeting or talking about you and they got the idea to come visit you and thought "yeah, we should DO that!" Or they were assigned in PEC.
Here's where it would be nice to have some time to think about it, instead of being ambushed at the door. My thought is that they should KNOW that showing up at the door, posing as friends, but really there with an agenda to get you to church is an imposition, and rather condescending. If they were real friends, it wouldn't have been 6months to a year since seeing you. And the contact would have been to catch up personally or do something fun, NOT to try you to steer your life in a direction they would approve.
In short: Friends would have respected YOU by calling ahead. And they would have been more interested in renewing your friendship than in your church attendance.
> They also said that they did not want to make me
> "uncomfortable"; I guess I was at too much of a
> loss of words here and there, the silences
> speaking too. What is there to say? They talked
> about how they would like to see me back at
> "church" after I had worked through whatever I was
> going through.
>
They don't want to make you UNCOMFORTABLE? Then why did they just show up? That's a tactic that Mormons use so the person can't prevent or dodge their visit. They do that so the person doesn't have a CHOICE when they aren't comfortable having someone come bug them about church.
GEEEZ. It always amazes me how shallow LDS friendships are. They don't know you well enough to know WHY you left, but they hope you'll come back when you work it out (assuming that whatever your reason was, it wasn't substantial and it will go away).
> This last seemed like they really had no clue. I
> did not have the heart to tell them that I thought
> the church was false and that they were trapped by
> family.
>
Why not tell them? "Look, I just don't believe it's true. It's nothing to do with you, but I won't be coming back." These guys are grownups. They are perfectly willing step on your boundaries to push their religious agenda on YOU, but you are protecting them from the truth? I don't get it. I have found that when I'm direct with people who are trying to shove their beliefs on me, they don't bug me anymore about it.
> Today was tough because it just hit me that I do
> not think my wife will ever come around and wake
> up. Even though she said she is not a kool-aid
> drinker, we will always have the church and its
> hideousness between us. My son is turning 18
> soon. How am I going to manage all the emotional
> blackmail surrounding Eagle court of honor, Elder
> ordination, seminary graduation, etc.? I do not
> want anything to do with the church.
I'm sorry about your wife. Just try to be the best husband you can be, and perhaps plant little seeds of thought. Maybe you could start by pointing out when the Mormons step over proper boundaries. Or whatever might bother her (without actually attacking church leaders or doctrine, because that will stir her defenses).
Try to figure out how to do those major events on your own terms. If you can anticipate the kind of boundary violations that might be made, think about how you might avoid or respond to them. Actually, Mormons are pretty predictable. On that list, the ordination will probably be the hardest. You may need to be prepared to talk to the person in charge and making it clear that you would like to be there to support your son, and that the event is about your son and not you (or your ability to participate in the ordination). Be clear with yourself (and anyone who tries to bug you) that the event will NOT be used to manipulate you. Or maybe if you don't wish to attend, you can find another way to acknowledge your son reaching an important milestone (to him, anyway).
I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that if contact with some people makes you feel put down or upset, it's a good idea to figure out what they did that was out of line, and how you could address it if it happens again. Boundary violations are so common in LDS society, that sometimes we don't even recognize them, and wonder later why we felt upset or confused. I found it helpful to read some books on emotional abuse (Patrica Evans is a good author on this). When I can label an abusive tactic (in my head) as someone uses it, it loses its effectiveness, and sometimes is almost humorous.