She was the molly of mollies in high school. So "modest" she wouldn't shower with us in gym class. She married later than the rest of us and I actually felt sorry for her husband because I just could never see her having or enjoying sex.

Well, it all came to pass...she hated sex, had some kids, and is now separated from said husband for--get this--looking at porn she says. I don't know the whole story, of course, but she went back for her degree in her late 50's so she could support herself.

She has moved fairly close to where I live. I haven't seen her in years. I know I should call her up and catch up but for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I am about as polar opposite from where she is in life that I am afraid we would have nothing we could even agree to talk about.

I need some advice from any of you who have had old mormon friends want to catch up and how did you handle it?

Try not to talk about church, but it will happen anyway.

When I've met up with people from my past, family or friends, it amazes me how much talk there is about church. And how annoying it is when you know its all a sham, but they go on and on about the wonderfulness of it all.

I say go for it just for fun, but it'll annoy you also probably.

If you choose to spend time with her--be yourself COMPLETELY. You have earned the right to be who you are and be proud.

I'm thinking how hard it must be for her to be divorced at that age. Even if she wanted it. It must be horrible.

I would hold out the hand of friendship to her. But OTOH, don't be super surprised if she bites it.

I think what will come through from her the most is her judgmental attitude toward me. I know she feels that she HAD to leave her marriage because of whatever and to know that I am living with my fiance will just be fodder. What I want to tell her is how happy I am that I am out of the cult. I just don't know how to do get that across.

You know my story and it is yours also. She knows my ex as we all went to HS together. She will also think he is a fallen son as another friend puts it.

Devout mormons just do not understand how much of life is grey...they live in such black and white worlds of thought.

That's a tough one--as FOR SURE her judgment will come across. They just CHOOSE not to get it.

Actually, I found that many of the women in my neighborhood were very envious of me (in their boring mormon marriages) and were just waiting for my relationship to fall apart.

Basically, it just occurred to me. You don't have to say anything--just be yourself. People can tell I'm much more at peace than I used to be--just be yourself and don't try to tell her anything. I think that will tell the story.

TRUST THAT FEELING!

Since you (like all of us) are no longer a "worthy" Mormon, why invite judgment by initiating contact with someone likely to judge you?

I don't keep in contact with Mormon friends from my Mormon years. They always expect me to be the same person that I was 20+ years ago, and quickly get resentful when it turns out that I have grown while they have simply gotten older.

I stirred up the quiet waters by going to my high school reunion last summer. Now I have a couple of old friends who want to pick up where we left off 40 years ago. I really don't want to do it. There was a time a few years ago I would have, but I don't want to do it. I moved away from Utah for forever when I was 21.

I know how you feel. I have exchanged a few emails, but I hope these exchanges will die off before there is a move to get together. So, I have no advice, just sympathy.

Go out to lunch with her and have a chat, people change.
If she is still judgemental, don't go again.

I agree. Do lunch in a busy place. MOs don't like to talk "serious" about tscc in public.

Could just be me, but I highly doubt she'll have a tolerant attitude about your living arrangement.

And it doesn't sound like you really want to call her and reestablish the relationship in the first place.

Sometimes I look at cases like that as a chance to try out my boundary/assertivenss skills.

But on the other hand, I don't know if it's worth it to give a judgemental person a chance to wreck your mood.



p.s. Glad things are going well for you and your man!

So you can order separately and pay separately.

Order hot tea or coffee.............

Talk about your kids........jobs..........HS friends.

It might be fun...........if not, don't do it again.

I think I might be doing something like this sometime soon.


K

It has been my experience that when I do something that feels contrary to what I really want, I pay a ugly price.

If you truly are feeling reticent about connecting with her, I say DON'T. If you want chaos and hard feelings in your life, go for it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2011 12:23AM by dane.

Maybe she needs to vent, maybe she just wants to talk to a familiar voice, maybe she wants to share her successes and changes.

If you get any criticism, or negative feedback in the phone call, you probably don't want to talk to her again.

I'm just suggesting what I would do.
Up to you.

I don't see a problem with doing it once. She might have changed and grown. If not, you don't have to see her again. If you don't have anything in common she will probably not want to do it again either. Meet in a neutral place for lunch and have a ready made excuse for not drawing it out.'I have to pick up the kids/go to the doctor'' or whatever. If you find you are having fun, you can always meet again.

You might pay a heavy price.

I will have no contact with people that have not bothered in five or ten or even twenty years.

Your friendship WILL be different.

You grew "out" of those "friends."

Let me add that I recently met up with some Mormon friends I hadn't seen for years. I didn't hide what I am or flaunt my lack of belief, steered clear of religion and we talked of the past, caught up and things went well.They knew I don't go to church, but don't know I have resigned or the true extent of my feelings.I don't know that I would have enough in common with them any more to want to be best friends but seeing them again was fun. Even if it hadn't gone well, it was only an hour out of my life.

Thanks everyone...I will let you know what I decide to do and if we get together how it goes.

Don't apologize for what you've become! Wear your here-and-now self proud, loud, and clear!

If this person doesn't like it, well, she sought you out not the other way around, right?