A friend of mine knows a man who has been dating my ex-husband. We split about 5 years ago over addiction issues, I am happily remarried, but this just blows my mind. He really ruined my life at the time. I feel shocked, somewhat happy for him, and a little confused.

He is an RM, extremely private, very conflicted and high anxiety in retrospect. As time went on, he was never home and amassed a staggering amount of debt in both our names. However, He went out of his way to portray himself as captain peter priesthood and even told me that I was ruining our eternal family by not wanting to wear garments. He made me feel awful for thinking the temple was creepy. We hiked through the Grand Canyon in July (over 100 degrees!), and he had his garments sticking out of his shorts & practically dripping sweat just to make a point (I think I saw other tourists laughing at us, lol) But I digress.

I am happy for him if this is what he wanted all along (but wouldn't admit to himself or anyone else) and I am so pissed at myself and the church that we ever got married. I wish he would have just been true to himself in the beginning and that we would have never gotten involved.

Any other ladies here been through this? Would love support and perspectives from anyone. There are a lot of insightful people on this board. Thanks for listening.

Yes--I have. You must be new to the board as I've been posting for over 5 years. There is a group called wearewildflowers--all ex-wives of gays. If you want to e-mail me, I can at least give you the blogspot that our stories are on. There isn't "a lot" of activity amongst the members--but there is at least some things you can read.

My ex blamed me for "lowering his ability to resist temptation." He has since apologized. I did know he was gay when I married him over 26 years ago. We have been "separated" for 15 years (I need his insurance). My ex told me that when your mind is in utter chaos because you are fighting your true identity, you are trying to keep some sense of control over the rest of your environment. There is a lot of transference of their issues onto their wives because they really are trying to kill part of themselves.

For your sake, I'm glad you are already out of the marriage and in a good place. I do believe you will be impacted by this, though. You probably didn't have any children with him, did you? or you would be in more direct communicatino with him, but then I know a lot of ex-wives who do not communicate with their ex's even with children.

My e-mail address is colleen84319@yahoo.com and I can direct you to wearewildflowers and to Emily Pearson's blogspot (daughter of Carol Lynn).

Long story short, the church is so full of shit when it comes to this topic. They have caused so much harm to so many people. What so many people fail to realize is that not just gay people that suffer when they are pressured to getting married to the opposite sex.

After our divorce, my ex-wife realized she was gay. Oh, that explained a lot of things.

But since I was an exmo and she a nevermo, there wasn't any of the closeting and shame that usually goes with Mormonism. And now that we've both become something closer to our real selves, the friction between us is gone, and we're friends again. I mean, really, how can people be happy when they're not themselves.

Other than finding now he's gay, outweighs the rest of your day?

I have a Mormon friend who is openly "struggling with same sex attraction" who just married his third wife.

The first wife knew he was gay, but like so many here on RfM, they were told they could fix him. Four kids and ten years later, they divorced.

I don't know if wife #2 knew he was gay or not. What I do know is they met online before the divorce was final and were married within a couple months of the final divorce decree. They were later sealed in the temple. Luckily they did not have any children, though she did bring a child from a previous marriage.

Beginning with the first divorce, he began communicating with me more frequently and it lasted throughout the 5 year duration of marriage #2. I was appalled at what he told me he had said to her. More of the kind of thing cl2 said in her post, but it was just brutal and humiliating for her. His lack of sexual interest in her because she gained weight was all her fault.

Additionally, they lost the house they had built, he ran up enough debt for them to declare bankruptcy buying toys and really expensive clothing, while also taking a job that sounded more like some kind of mlm scheme. He guilted and shamed and, in my opinion, abused the hell out of this poor woman because he cannot bring himself to admit his orientation is not something he can change.

Now, with this last wife, he does not seem to be TBM anymore. Married a non-mormon in a civil ceremony. I think they were living together for quite some time, too. Dunno. I haven't been informed. Maybe he is actually bi-sexual, but I really don't believe this. And I don't know if wife #3 knows he is gay.

It's been a real mess for many years now. I hope the best for all of them, of course, the situation makes me wonder about infidelity and a host of other issues.

It's maddening that people don't feel free to live as they should live: as themselves.

I posted this on another thread and am reposting here for those who didn't see it there.

At some point those of us who are gay male mormons have to take responsibility for the harm we cause by getting married to women. Yes, we are brought up being indoctrinated into a cult that is unswerving in its condemnation of us. But we've come to a point in our evolution as humans where we know enough to know that a marriage between a gay man and a straight woman is not a very good idea. It rarely works and often ends in devastation for everybody involved. Especially when mormonism is at the core of it all.

At some point we have to stop hiding behind these women and step out and be honest about who we are. We can't lay all of the blame at the feet of the cult anymore. We know too much, we've made too much progress; we live in the age of information. At some point we have to say to ourselves, OK, so I was raised to believe a certain way but am I really willing to roll the dice and take a chance on ruining someone's life?

It's not just us gay guys that get hurt - most often it's everybody in our lives that rolls down the hill with us when everything falls apart. How many gay mormon men have taken HIV home to their wives? How many gay mormon men have been caught in the bushes at Sugarhouse Park and had their names published in the paper as sex offenders? You'd be surprised at the statistics.

At some point this madness has to stop inspite of what the mormon cult leaders say. We have to begin to take responsibility for our own actions. If you're married and you have five kids and a wife then you need to be smart. Get a divorce before you start cruising the parks for tricks.

It doesn't serve us to keep pointing the finger of blame at the mormon cult and thinking that their condemnation of us makes it OK to go out and trick in the park late at night. That's old school and it's bullshit.

All of that said, I'm the biggest jerk on earth and speak from very personal experience in all this. No one has a blacker record than I do. But all the more reason why I insist that we don't wait for the cult to catch up anymore. We know what's what, usually from a very early age, and we really can't use the mormons as an excuse anymore to abandon responsibility towards others.

I used to feel sorry for myself. Poor poor me, brainwashed by an insidious cult to be part of their breeding program. But that's just not enough of an excuse anymore.

We know too much. We've come too far.

My body, my life, my choices.

I like you, Tomclark. What a great sense of integrity you have. I hope people take your advice, you talk sense

This makes me cry, thanks for the post--my son and I are living this very situation right now, and it is sheer hell, but I still love my exdh.....

He told me today he was sorry--I have heard that so many times over 24 years, but the reality is hitting him finally. He is in a better place but we struggle, and he is realizing that him being happy has a price, and he apologized for putting me through it.

I stayed too, so I blame myself often for putting my son through this, but I would not have my son either, and so that is the silver lining.

Thank you for being honest.

I have read a blog about being married to a moho, and some comments are young women that are in love with gay men, and want to marry them. I just want to shake them and slap them out of it--it won't work for either of you, but there are still young and stupid kids that think that doing what the church says will work, and there are many that still think it will work.

We know better, so if any of us living through this can save some of this misery, by all means please do!!

"any other ladies" ....how about if a guy chimes in on this!

yah there is nothing quite like realizing that you had NO IDEA who that person you were married to really was, even if you did think you were close to a couple of her schizo phrenic personalites! & to think that person was supposed to be your eternal mate!

.... yah there is nothing quite like realizing you were actually living the law of plural wives/ polygamy even though you technically only had one wife.

(INSERT APPROPRIATE EXPLETIVES HERE) MORmON CHURCH !

OK she is not gay.... BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO!

and NO ONE else in her family knows she is gay,
BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO!

& SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

OF COURSE IT WAS OK FOR HER TO GO OUT AND ATTEMPT MISSION IMPOSSIBLE AKA TRY TO PARTY HER ASS OFF, AND THATS A LOT A PARTYING TO DO! EVEN SO YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO NOTICE..... EVEN IF YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PAY THE TAB!!!!!!!!!!

I would just like to pay tribute to her Venus personality
-the one that was a godess of (straight) love but never had time for sex.

I would like to thank her Jesus personality too, the one that hated her for being a woman, and kicked her ass far more than I ever could have, not that I ever laid a hand on her.

and YES I BLAME THE MORmON Church for their role in this !

First of all, I have no clue about the gay issue, but I have noticed a pattern about this and other so-called "moral issues". A person of religion seems to be more anti-gay and vocal about it (or blame others) when they notice they themselfs are prone to this. It's not just a Mormon thing. Religious leaders who, until getting caught, were the loudest. I also think of ppl such as Swaggart, Jim Baker etc.
And look at the Mormon church! They constantly make ppl feel guilty about real or imagined sexual indiscretions whilst their founder and early leaders were the worst in that department. Same with the Occult they say they despise, yet TSCC is founded on that as well. Same with murderers, so-called blood atonement.
So, I won't have anyone make a judgement call on me. I'm Christian, "but before I try to point out a spot in my neighbor's eye, I best pull out the plank in my own" as Jesus told the religious hypocrates of his day!

I have lots to say, just not time right now. I am with cl2, email me if you want. Even though you are not married anymore, it is going to affect you. Maybe thinking everything was a lie, that kind of thing. I'm sorry you had to hear about it this way.

I too hope you didn't have kids.....my son is in hell right now

email @ spottydogspot@gmail if you would like.

It is ok to feel anything you feel, don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a right to feel something because you are not married anymore.

I'm glad to hear you are happily re-married--I hope I get there someday, but I'm a bit older I think.

Oh, and my dex (new acronym if it doesn't exist already-dear ex) and I are still legal for the same reasons cl2 is, insurance.

writing helps me, or talking to people about it. I am in utah county and would not mind meeting for hot chocolate or whatever you like.....

good luck, and let yourself feel, it is better than trying to hold it in.....