admonishes me for coming to this site and saying irreverent things about the church. WTF? She refuses to read anything I am reading because she says she will find out the church isn't true. Why does she want to stay in ignorance? I feel like she must already not believe to an extent because she stopped wearing her long john undies. I still wear mine because I do not own any other types of underwear, but do not understand what she is thinking. She gets frustrated when I talk about the hypocrisy of the church. She would rather continue going unbelieving to save face, then quit. How cultish is that?

Why doesn't she care about finding out the truth? This has consumed me the past few months. I can't believe that I have given so much of my time to something that is a lie. I am baffled that my wife treats it with such a nonchalant manner.

Also, I am finding it really hard not to talk about what I have learned with my friends. Every single one of my friends is TBM. Every single one. I can't help but talk negatively about the church for some reason when I am around them. This has only led to awkward silence. I am going up to a cabin with some friends for a few days for sundance and I fear that I won't be able to hold back if we start talking church.

This happened to me and mrsraptorjesus. But little by little we got on the same page.

I know it can be hard because you want to run away from the cult, and she'd rather walk and look back, but let her go at her own pace.

If this keeps up, you two will probably be out together, and that is EXTREMELY lucky.

However, don't let my post just seem as a "telling you what to do without sympathy" post. It's very difficult. Vent all you want, but my two cents is that you are making progress.

Good luck!

raptorjesus Wrote:
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> I know it can be hard because you want to run away
> from the cult, and she'd rather walk and look
> back, but let her go at her own pace.
>
> If this keeps up, you two will probably be out
> together, and that is EXTREMELY lucky.
>

I agree with RJ.


As hard as it is (and it really is), keep going slow and let her walk her own pace. If you need to run ahead do so, but always run back to her. She'll make it out in time, and you'll be together on the other side of this.

You have the crucial thing, she's an unbeliever. Allow her to "save face". Eventually that will wear-off.

There was a 3 year gap between my unbelief and my wife's. In the end it was my wife who pushed to officially remove our names from the records and I was the reluctant one. Give her time.

Cheers and good luck.

I had a friend that was going through the same thing, but his wife was nevermo. So he and I would bitch about the church in secret.

It helped me not bring it up when it would have set my wife back, until she was ready to do the same.

I think one of the things that can help people out the cult is to expose them to a world outside of it. Even though I knew the church wasn't true, it took me several years to leave it because all of my friends and family were TBM.

Once I reached out and made a new circle of non-Mormon friends with a new way of thinking, I dropped the church like a ton of bricks.

I think you should both try to find new friends outside of the church and this would make it a lot easier for her to be able to let go.

My husband was doing all this research- obsessed with all the crazy stuff we didn't know. I was still a little nervous, and just not that interested.

He backed off a little. He would ask me what I thought about something now and again. He tried just to have interesting conversations about what he was finding without being all "anti". Finally, a least a year after he was out something caught my attention and I did my own research.

WOW! I was now the one obsessed and he was ready to just forget all about the crazy cult and move on.

My ex-wife was always against RfM. She hated the Mormon church more than I did, but she didn't like me coming here and taking part in these online discussions. One time, she came here and wrote a long essay, which was fairly well-received, but then never came back and continued to bash my involvement. I don't really understand it.

That is how she feels. She doesn't mind me reading books on the church, but doesn't like me coming here. I think she doesn't want me to be persuaded in a peer pressure sort of way. I happen to find this site very comforting, it helps me realize that I am sane and helps with the cog dis.

I will definitely try to take it slow, and thank you for the responses.

What about talking with her in a sympathetic and supportive way about what she feels she would lose if she didn't go to church? If if she is willing to talk about it and you are supportive (and resist "gotchas" :-)) it may help her work through things. As I considered leaving, I thought about what I get from the church and realized want I wanted was available from other places and people besides the Mormon Church. That was comforting. When people first consider leaving the church, it can feel like there is not world "out there" and they would be stepping off a cliff, so to speak.

artvandalay Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> She
> refuses to read anything I am reading because she
> says she will find out the church isn't true.

Is this an exact quote? If it is then she already knows. She didn't say "because satan will take control and cause me to think it isn't true, blah, blah, blah..." RJ is right. Just take it slow. Ex-cult member is on to something with the nonmo friend thing too.

Yes that is an exact quote.

It takes time to change your whole world view from everything you have ever known. She has fears.

It's not a contest, or a race. Just because you changed your mind about Mormonism, doesn't mean she will.
Not everyone follows their spouse out of the LDS Church.
I know this one well.

If she follows you, it needs to be at her pace. We cannot control other people.

This is the time to cement the relationship so it is stronger than any beliefs in the religion.

My husband is a believer and there is no way I would let a difference of opinion over religion destroy our marriage and our investment of time and love. We've been married 47 years. I have been a non believer since 1999.

Time. It's on your side!

You've received some good advice here, I don't have anything to add, other than to reiterate, just let her go at her own pace.
And enjoy the view in the bedroom while you can. You lucky dog.

I am in the same boat. Go slow.

My faith freak out startedabout this time last year. I still go. Ihave been surprised at the number of people who are ther each week who don't believe, but still go for one reason or another.

Frankly I'm amazed at the layers of control heaped on everyone.

Ditching the g's is a good sign. It means one more layer has been peeled away.

You might want to tone it down a bit. When it sounds like you are "attacking" or belittling the church, she'll get defensive. You can still get your point across and open her mind to the truth without sounding hostile.

Instead of saying, "Joseph Smith was a lying, cheating, sleezy, pedophile who boinked everything he laid his eyes on."

Say, "That's interesting. Apparently Joseph Smith didn't tell Emma about many of the wives he married. He kept it secret with the other apostles. And most of his wives weren't old widows in need of help like the church says, they were actually very young, single women. Some even as young as 14. Hmmm, what do you think? Yeah, I agree it doesn't sound right to me either."

and good luck, friend! As Stray Mutt said in his "Musings of an ExMo", "people won't receive the truth until they're reday to receive it". About your wife not liking this board... I was appalled when I first saw the "SalamanderSociety" site, now I'm ok with it and find much of it hillarious. I can ignorewhat I don't want to read, just like on this forum. I've found vey usefull posts. Besides, I'm sure a number of ppl here gotno use for my opinions. Hang in there, Art and on't give up! Giving up garmies, so important to TBM's is a huge step!

“I feel like she must already not believe to an extent because she stopped wearing her long john undies. I still wear mine because I do not own any other types of underwear, but do not understand what she is thinking.”

It seems to me that you need to get some real underwear fast! Aren’t you setting a bad example by wearing garmies while she is not? Doesn't this give her permission to regress? Also what is she wearing for undies? If she’s not wearing garmies and has picked up new undies, then why the frick haven’t you?

If you are going to be in “apostasy” together then get together for Pete’s sake. I don’t think I’m alone in thinkin that if my wife stopped wearin the “big fifteen” to bed the I sure as shoot’n would lose my el pronto! And I mean forever!

All this meant in a good "screw the garments" kind of way of course.

Buy new underwear...right away...and ask her why she thinks she needs to keep thinking the church is true? What might she be afraid of...but ditch the undies

stormy