Wife and I haven't been going for over 2 months now while going to Christian church and finding more genuine love, support and peace there. My wife has a difficult time being up front and honest with people, because she's afraid they'll get their feelings hurt. I'm opposite of that. I find value in being up front and honest, because the longer you hold onto something, the deeper and tougher the matter will get as it festers and builds up inside the conscience.

Anyhow, I had enough of My wife beating around the bush and leading her visiting teachers on, by saying, no not this week, maybe some other time. So just as her visiting teacher was in the middle of trying to set up plans to meet up with her, I told my wife to be honest with her 3 times! She still could not bring herself to being honest! So I grabbed the phone from her gently and told her visiting teacher where we are at, comfortable and happy right now and going to a Christian church.

She listened and said, well, tell your wife we Love her and that we enjoyed visiting with her. The thing is, they don't know her and they only visited with her once over 2 months ago. I thought they never visited with her. So my instant comment back to her visiting teacher was, You can't say that, because you never met with her. Please take us off your list, thank you.

I was polite, although very worked up and outspoken. I have had to teach myself to be more outspoken in the past several years, if I ever wanted to keep people from walking all over me and getting away with crap. I used to be very shy and quite, so this is something I'm still not completely comfortable doing, although it's helped me regain some of the power back I never thought I'd overcome. It took some nerve, but at least they finally know now and we don't plan on going back. hopefully never.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 10:20PM by experienceheals.

Man are all visiting teachers the same? :) I had a pair show up at my door about a month ago, right during dinner time. So I run to the door and open it up and there are two girls from the ward I attended over the summer. (Let it be known, i was a new convert, a social person and a ever constant figure. in a small singles ward everyone knew everyone). I am frazzled a bit when i open the door since i am browning some meat on the stove and i assumed it was FedEx or something but it was my VT. They immediately ask for Caitie and I look at them and respond "Uh..I'm Caitie..." where they immediately cover up saying oh yes, they knew that of course and ask to come in. While I know I could have said no, I was hoping that my food would not burn so I said sure and ran to the stove.

When they walk into the living room, they ask if i am making dinner, and when i responded that I was, they laugh and say how good it is that I am cooking. (WTF??) So despite seeing I am busy they start to lament on how much they miss me at church and how much the relief society loves and misses me and will bring me up during meetings of what a good example I am. Then they ask if I can come over so they can talk to me because it is difficult to talk to me when i am in the kitchen (not 5 feet away) and they are in the living room. Let me remind you all that this is my house.

But ever as compliant i seem to be, i walked over and listened to their message and told them I needed to finish cooking dinner and my parents would be home soon. When they left they kept saying how much they missed me and how they wished i would come back to the singles ward and "the guys in the ward miss you too." Lovely.

After leaving the morg, it's usually hard not to feel responsible for how mormon near-strangers react. Mormons count on this programming to push their advantage and gain entry where they probably know they're only barely tolerated.

It's silly how mormons claim to love people they've never met or have met only briefly. If that's "love," I don't need it.

she's perfectly fine with it. Like I said before, she has a difficult time saying no to people because she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or she thinks saying no will hurt their feelings. I don't think so. I think honesty is best policy, especially in cases like this.

I don't believe in continuing to lead people on in believing they have a chance to meet up with you and possibly bring you back to church. Our marriage has flourished and grown a lot more in the past few months than it ever was when we were going to church and when I wasn't for a couple years battling out our individual beliefs.

Most of our beliefs are on the same page now and in harmony with one another, now that she has seen the real truth she was denying and fighting for so long. I'm very grateful for that, despite the long painful haul it took to be patient, convincing and wait before things started to get better with time, love and patience. Thanks for asking

P.S. Love is two way street. Give and take, one can't work with out the other. It's not all about if one person is ok with something. what matters most is that we continue to have open discussions with each other, love and understanding, so that we can at least be close to the same page, although may not always connect at times. I have a testimony that with time, love and patience, the tougher times look pretty dismal and bleak in contrast to how rewarding it can be once things start to actually go and feel right together.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2011 10:15AM by experienceheals.

Yikes!

I wonder how well treating your wife like a child, and taking the phone away from her, and doing her talking for her, will work out.

It would be one thing if you were the one that took the call, but to go and do what you did during the middle of a call would have pissed me off beyond belief.

that's because that's what your reaction would be, because you're not her and you don't know how we work as a couple. I'm not controlling as you think. My wife does need an encouraging push to do the right thing once in a while because she really doesn't know how to be bold enough to do the right thing. You don't live with us, so you you can't make that judgment call.

Every couple dynamic has it's strengths and weaknesses, but each eventually balances each other out one way or another. She's not even brave enough to tell her own parents certain things that don't have much to do with the church, because she's afraid of any consequences. Her parents have been pretty overbearing and strict with her and her siblings. I actually stand up for my wife an awful lot.

I'm her strength and voice in some areas she needs to work on, and she's my strength and voice in some things I can work on. we work together to try to help each other become better people. one of the first mistakes anyone can ever do, is think they don't need help and claim to be independent in everything.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2011 10:22AM by experienceheals.

I think if one person is good at something, it's fine if they fillin and do that role for the other occasionally.

When I was so repulsed with mormon harassment and only getting temporary results keeping them at bay, my husband stepped in and fended them off bigtime. They didn't respect or fear me, the exmo woman, but they absolutely did fear him as a roaring tiger and the male head of the family.


Couples cover for each other and do what works for them. Of course it's good and healthy for all of us to learn to say no, for everyone to know how to cook a breakfast, do laundry, and deal with car repairs. But that doesn't mean there can't be other ways of dividing tasks in a marriage.

I'm with experienceheals on this. My wife doesn't like talking to people she doesn't know well in a confrontational way, especially over the phone. Shhe actually would get mad at me if I saw her start to flounder and cave and I didn't step in. She is shy to the point that sometimes she will ask me to order for her at a resteraunt, which I don't like doing, but I do it any way to save her the discomfort. Sometimes my wife has to push me to do things I don't want to do or point out things I miss when doing household chores or remind me to stay on budget. Couples have thier own ways of doing things that vary from relationship to relationship.

"I wonder how well treating your wife like a child, and taking the phone away from her, and doing her talking for her, will work out."

Man o man, all that I know is that my wife would have done a Lorena Bobbett on me if I had done that. Not judging or commenting on anyone's relationships....I just know my own wife.

yeah, well each relationship has it's struggles and balances. Over time it' taking my wife a while to know how to speak her mind and not be bashful about it. We've even gone through marriage counseling for part of that reason. It's helped her a little bit, but there needs to be plenty of work done. Like I said earlier, I asked her politely 3 times to just tell her visiting teacher the truth, and when she didn't , I gently grabbed the phone, there was no force at all, she practically handed the phone to me, because she knew she couldn't bring herself to tell her herself. She was FINE with it!

The morg is doing away with "do not call on" lists.

The latest is that EVERYONE has to be visited by HT and VT

So brace yourself for continued harrassment.

Mormons are getting worse than JWs

hmmmm. well I'll continue to be polite I guess as normal and I do my best to not tell them to F-Off like my older brother did one year. LOL!

Polite is good. You attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. One polite refusal is to tell them, once again, where you're at and add how sorry you are that they are in a church that was founded by a pedophile and serial adulterer and that you hope the best for them and thier little ones and that they are welcome to call if they would like to hear a message about the gospel of Jesus Christ instead of the rantings of a con artist. Just use a syrupy primary president voice while you say it and they cant actually claim you were rude.

Perhaps it might help someone who says they're actively trying to attract friendships goodwill.

But it's insensitive and downright unhelpful for those who only want to eliminate or repel pushy mormon strangers and say their privacy is their primary or only concern.

I wouldn't suggest being nice. Being nice only lets them think its okay to return.

JUST SAY NO...if they don't get the hint..call the cops, they are tresspassing.

Because one of my all-time favorite quotes comes from Kelly Bundy, who said

"Yes, Mother, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar but if you rip their little wings off, they will eat whatever you feed them."

LOL. Not that I'm advocating violence but sometimes you just can't be gentle with Mormons, who are rarely gentle when pushing their beliefs down your throat.

I was just trying to be a smart ass. But like they say, text is flat. My suggestion revolved around the sweet syrupy tone while insulting thier stupid beliefs.

You are very correct when you say there are no longer "do not call" lists. I snuck a peek at dh's e-mail that was up from the Stake Prez. about this. It said even if it is a no contact family they are STILL to contact them. Some way,some how,every month. Unless you are like me and can send your bishop a very straight forward,"I know what I am talking about bishop. I am informed and old enough to be your mom. So back off!" It worked,at least as far as HT and VT.

Interesting timing on this. Last sac meeting was taken over by the bishopric.... all 3 talks were on HT and VT... and they were not very nice talks..very dogmatic on the subject. I got up and walked out to the foyer DURING talk #2.

I ran into the 2nd counselor during hour #3, and had a nice chit chat..... he knows that I am not on the HT list as I will not do it. I wondered if the sac meeting talks had been instigated due to pressure from the stake. He said "no", but were rather a preemptive strike as the HT numbers averaged 22% visited. <Now, that is about as low as I have ever seen>

Now, as any former ward clerk will know, not all families are assigned HT's.... there are just too many. So the real numbers would be closer to 10%-15% visited depending on the ward, factoring in the families that are not even assigned.

I pointed out that at least I was being honest <hell no, I am not doing it> as opposed to the rest of the brethren <accept the assignment in theory, but don't actually make the visits>. He laughed, agreed, and said that he personally would rather have it my way.

seriously not every family is assigned? That is effed up...I've never heard of that. That would be wrong would it not? I mean, if you said no HT that is fine, but everyone should be assigned otherwise.

Wow, that goes against everything I held to believe about HT.

How do they decide who to exclude?

Oh, and I think OP did the right thing, for him. I am very loud and outspoken, but something like that would have been difficult for me to deal with and if my exdh would help me out like that I would have been thrilled. though we are ex's I still "use" my dh to get out of stuff, especially since I live in Utah county.

Like when I went shopping for furniture and new washer and fridge at RC willey. They want you to buy now, and you just want them to tell you about their sstuff, so I act like I will buy now, listen to their spiel, and say "my dh is at work, I'll have to bring him in". they always take that very well, so I have to get "permission". I love it, it is a joke for me now.

He does the same thing, but he is also less assertive than I am, but just in some sitations we both have trouble. It took YEARS before I could order my own pizza!! Oh, now that sounds good right now, I gotta call the Village Pizza. shoot, too early.

but if we know our spouses we know where they need help, and usually it is nice for someone to step in, especially with mo shit.

Telling them you go to another church most likely won't stop the visits. They have a policy that as long as your name is on their roles, they are required to visit you.

They will listen to you (the priesthood holder in the home) over your wife, so taking the phone and politely telling them you go to another church may get them to back off, at least for a little while. If your wife is concerned about hurting other people's feelings, it works well for you to do the talking. At least, they will listen to you.

Going to another church used to get the member's name taken off their rolls, and sometimes they would do it for you.

If you don't believe in the claims of the LDS Church and have chosen another church to go to, and you want to stop all visits, it will require "name removal" as they call it, aka resignation.

Just something to think about.

I can relate to that. When my mom (also Christian) left TSCC, she was too chicken to tell her VT's etc to 'bug off', so she made me be the 'bad guy', LOL!

I had a pair of annoyingly perky VTs who acted like I never met them before. "We're you're VTs! From church? Do you remember chuuuurch?" I was always shutting them down and telling them that their unscheduled visits weren't appreciated. As a "nice" BIC girl, my proudest moment was the day I was doing some heavy duty cleaning in my sweatpants and told them that it was a bad time. Then I shut the door.

However while they left me alone they started pestering my DH for an appointment. They asked at one point if I had a phone number they could call (as opposed to his)and he told them no I didn't since he didn't allow me to.

I love that man. LOL.

That being said, appealing to "priesthood authority" may keep the harpies at bay.

Don't wanna talk to these bozos? Let the machine get it.
Don't wanna hear their precious little words? Delete them before you even hear what they have to say.
Don't wanna be visited? Just shut off the porchlight and ignore them.

It seems a little rude, but it's better than having to deal with their drama. And let's face it- they only act like friends when you're at a church function anyway, and not only that but the typical mormon is only after you by assignment and once they've gotten the cold shoulder a couple or three times, they'll just report back that they tried and then they'll move on.

Remember - you are under NO obligation to speak to anyone that is not family or an employer.

Resignation or no - - Being a member of any group or church does NOT give other members the right to stalk and harrass you.

Once you tell them to stop contacting you that should do it.
If they keep it up, threaten them with the police - and mean it.

just because they belong to a church. If someone is a church creeps you out, you have a legal right to ban them from your property. If a member doesn't want to participate in VTing or any other program, they don't *have* to. No is the most powerful word in the English language and it's a complete sentence.

Mormons who say they have a legal right to come into private homes are wrong. And no one must resign to keep mormons at bay.

That our place is too messy for visitors, which has actually been the case most the time. So they quit coming by after a while. Lmfao! No one likes standing at the door while we don't let them in. lol!