Didn't get a chance to say hi to you Nightie - and tell you that I love you and miss your caring and eloquence in expressing it. Mwuah!

I continue to be completely blown away by what I see in the gay mormon and gay exmormon people here in Utah. At times it makes me so angry I can barely contain myself. I want to bitch slap Tom Monson and his band of troublemakers into some kind of moral responsibility. But what's the point, right? If they don't care now a bitchslap upside the head won't likely change anything.

I have seen for most of my adult life the terrible toll that mormonism takes on its gay and lesbian members and their families and friends. It's an unspeakable sadness that often follows the anger for me. So many lives destroyed because of a cult that cannot find a shred of enlightnment or caring anywhere in its black heart.

The destruction of people's lives goes deep and far and many times is so subtle on the surface of things that you wouldn't know it just looking at them in an everyday context. I've recently dated somebody who reminded me, painfully and clearly, that insanity often follows being gay and mormon. With my jaw on the floow I'm looking at him thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

And then I think, you know Tom, don't act so surprised. You're being disingenuous with this jaw on the floor thing. You have seen this degredation so many times so up close and personal that you should be able to see it coming from miles and miles away and be innured to it when it arrives.

But I am surprised. And I am saddened. And my jaw is on the floor and I'm not innured to any part of it. And I'm hurt, because in amongst the damage and the insanity is somebody really beautiful. And somebody I wanted to have in my life. But he can't do it - not with me and not with anybody.

Maybe I needed to be reminded of why it's so important that we keep our voices strong. Why it's so important that I keep my voice strong. Helluva way to be reminded, with a brokenheart. But if that's what it takes, that's what it takes.

Don't give up the fight. There are really beautiful people out there who need us.