It seems like the first thing I'm asked when I tell a TBM that I've left the church is, "did someone offend you?" To be totally honest, I would have to say that the way I was treated by members of the church DID contribute to my leaving, when I look back. Ultimately, it was the false doctrines that caused me to turn my back, but the members' coldness...and strangeness...were also nudging me out the door. It really bothered me that people avoided eye contact and would not say a simple "hello" - people I'd seen every Sunday and at church activities for many years! So much for Christ-like love and emulation. Am I alone in this, or has anyone else experienced the unfriendliness of people at the Mormon church?

In retrospect, as is the case with many here - Yes, I'm totally offended with my own actions.

Just sayin'...

Ron

Good one, Ron! After several years in service, I got tired of being constantly helpless and bored. I was ashamed that I had no real integrity, i.e. that I would thoughtlessly make serious moral decisions merely because some guy in a suit told me that God willed it. And I was tired of pretending that I got a lot of great moral insights reading gory fables and listening to others declare over and over that they knew, with every fiber of their being (whatever that means), that said fables were true (whatever that means). I got tired of pretending that greater moral insights were not readily available elsewhere. I got tired of feeling guilty when the suits were upset with my inability to interest others in high-priced moral inanity. (Can I just say that missionary work is really, really stupid: I never liked it, and I still don't.)

Perhaps you could reply, "members don't really start offending until after you have the courage to leave; at this point I have been offended many times."

I'm not as eloquent as you. LOL

ron

I left because of the doctrine but when I saw how the members acted when the pressure was on and their masks were off, then I didn't even want to stick around for the "social" aspect of the church. I didn't even want Mormon friends because they were not people I could count on or people I wanted to be like. Someone started the rumor I'd been offended too and even though it makes me look bad in Mormon eyes, not one of my friends ever defended me or even asked me if it were true. Who needs friends like that? I left because of the doctrine but the awful, un-Christlike behavior of the Mormons made it a lot, lot easier to leave with no regrets.

If anyone asked me if I was offended I'd probably say "No, of course not. Why do you find Mormons so offensive? Because you must think they are terribly obnoxious if your automatically assume people would rather spend eternity in hell than 3 hours each Sunday sitting next to a Mormon. Why don't you like Mormons?" Seriously, turn it back on them because deep down, they must believe Mormons are offensive. When I first heard the idea that people only leave because they were offended I didn't believe it - because I didn't think Mormons were that bad. The fact Mormons believe this doctrine w/o questioning it means they find it easy to believe other Mormons are that horrible.

"No, of course not. Why do you find Mormons so offensive? Because you must think they are terribly obnoxious if your automatically assume people would rather spend eternity in hell than 3 hours each Sunday sitting next to a Mormon. Why don't you like Mormons?"

Ha ha ha, that was really ingenious. I'll try to remember that answer.

It's easier for Mormons to accept that people have been offended by Mormons as opposed to being offended by Mormonism.
Once they become aware of you "falling away", one of two things will happen (or both).
1. You get the sympathy, like you're sick or something
or
2. You get the force field around you, so no one comes too close

For me, it was #2 - which really made it easy. We realized very quickly who were, in any way, "friends" in the church. Could count 'em on one hand.

As I was preparing to submit my exit letter I knew that issue would come up among the membership after I was gone, so I specifically mentioned in the letter that I had NOT been offended by anyone. In fact, I went on, I hoped that the friendships I had made during my 30 years of membership would continue. Sad to say, they did not.

In any case, I made a specific point of saying that no one had offended me and that, as far as my relationship with members, I felt I was leaving on good terms. It was the institution of the church that I had a problem with, not the individual members.

Being offended by boorish, arrogant, intrustive, abusive behavior demonstrates a strong self-esteem and understanding of appropriate social behavior.

I say, Hurray for being offended!

I was offended ALL MY LIFE by actions of mormons--from my earliest recollections as a child. I still stuck it out until I was age 38 and then still believed, but went inactive. I hated going to church. I just thought I had to. If their offensive behavior was going to send me running, I would have left as a child.

Nobody really did anything to offend us until we went inactive.

Well, not intentionally anyway. The gospel was too important to let simple human buffoonery stand in its way, and to be honest, I've probably offended way more people than have offended me. In fact, I know someone who blames me for their inactivity.

When we were new to the church we were treated like royalty- a whole family coming to the church with baptisms all around.

Sure there are those who can't help but rub you the wrong way, but then there is the actual institution, and while I didn't dare admit I was offended, I was. Because at a time when our family was having serious difficulties on two seperate fronts, the church abandoned us.

The first thing they did was make me a counselor in the Bishopric which took me away from home where I was needed most. Although the Bishop released my wife from her teaching because he said, I would be very busy and this would free up time for her to support me. Dude are you even awake?!?

The second thing was that when these difficulties arose and we told out HomeTeacher about it, he never contacted us again.

In fact, except for the Relief Society nobody even seemed to care. Nobody let me skip doing the tithing so I could be at the hospital with the family, but instead skipped out early leaving me to stay late so they could do their thing. When my MIL was in the hospital, nobody except the RS visited her. And when I was in the depths of despair, over her condition and my son in and out of jail, nobody in the Priesthood ever put their arm around my shoulder.

BUT you can bet your bottom dollar that as a member of the Bishopric, every one of those who neglected us and ignored our difficulties were always standing in line waiting to get a favor.

Somebody told me that it was my calling that helped us get though those terrible days, but really it was a burden on all of us, and it was only our personal strength and faith in what we thought was the gospel that kept us going. It was only us and God and us. The church was only there as an added burden.

And when we started our process of leaving the church a few years later, those who used to smile and shake our hands would purposefully look away, or put their hands in their pockets.

In all, once the newness of our convert family wore off, and once we were the ones with the trials, we were left completely alone.

The truth about friendship in the church is that there are two kinds:
Assigned friends and fairweather friends.

I was not offended by a person. I was offended by the stupidity of the whole scam.

The doctrines were offensive to me. Most of the people were nice. Some were annoying, but I just put up with them. In fact, I was more tolerant of the annoying ones than most of the other members, who avoided them like the plague!

There are a couple of members from my old ward who the missionaries would definitely not want investigators to meet before they got baptised!

out of the blue, I responded:"
"If everyone that was ever offended didn't attend, there would be no one there." ...and...smiled!

The point is that it's part of being human to take offense from time to time. Learning not to take anything personally, and refuse to TAKE offense is a skill lots of people never develop.

The problem they are dealing with is the culture in the LDS Church of: it's OK to BE offensive, but it's NOT OK to TAKE offense.
They get it backwards and tell the one that took offense to apologize to the one that was offensive.
Even if they mess up, lie, make a mess, do crazy things, it's still the member's responsibly to apologize as the victim.
Somehow the victim MUST have done or said something to make the other person to respond in an offensive manner.
ARGH!! This is the kind of thing that is crazy making!

Intellectually, emotionally, financially, psychologically and, yes, even physically.

Mormons themselves, not so much.

wrong with doctrine, leaders, history.

One of the things that bothered me was that Mormonism didn't seem to improve people. My own extended family was full of dysfunctional and criminal people.

What good is it to put all this energy into an organization that doesn't improve the society or the community?

I was quickly told that the church is perfect, the members blah blah. You can't blame the church for all that.

Wrong. I'm not going to alter my life and give up this much for a philosophy that creates a group of offensive people. That's crazy.

I learned over time to alter my response when people asked if I was offended because I knew they'd deliberately misunderstand.

But that wouldn't drive me to leave. It drove me to investigate why I should stay.

It would not have taken years to leave if it was from being offended. I had a neighbor emarass me from the pulpit during F&T, a bishop who repeatedly made comments that my wife should not have stayed with me, SP tell me I wasn't doing enough in my calling (at a time that I had 5 callings and was spending 5 nights a week w/ church). But, none of these, or some very personal issues, caused me to leave.

It was the doctrine that caused me to leave. These other issues just made it easier to make the separation.

As others have stated, the actions after resigning would be more offensive, but I still don't care. I actually find it a little amusing how even the stake president avoided me when I attended a SM.

Real friends are still friendly.

Lots of people/things offend me. But, it's not a reason to leave a religion.

Do they know how stupid they sound when they ask that?

JS really offends me. My cowardly ancestors that stuck with this BS offend me. Maybe they didn't know any better. I'm still offended.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/01/2011 12:15PM by onendagus.

That's my pat answer.

Yes. Joe Smith, Briggy young and all the rest of them really offended me. They're huge liars.

The teachings and practices of this cult offend me.

I really do love this question. And as someone else already mentioned, I always want to say something along the lines of, "Yes, I left solely because I was offended. I know the church is true and that by leaving I'm going to spend eternity in hell. But I'd rather lose an eternity of joy and Godhood then forgive Sister Jones for insulting my tie!"

The doctrines of the church offended me. Celestial sex, blacks second class, my bishop has the right to probe into my most intimate details, polygamy including with minors (essential for entry into the highest glory!), coffee is evil but weighing 400 pounds from eating crap nonstop is fine, pay us your money or miss your sister's wedding, etc etc etc. Should I not have been offended? What is so wrong about being offended by something that is offensive?

I'm surprised they haven't trademarked the phrase. They can't imagine any other reason people might leave, like their product is toxic.

For the record, no, I wasn't offended, not until long after I left. This is much to my embarrassment. I should have been highly offended. It took me a while to figure out the actual enormity of The Big Lie.

I was once asked that question by a sister missionary.

My response back was asking her to give me an example of an offense so big that it would cause anyone to leave any church.

Neither her or her companion could come up with anything.

I told them asking that question was offensive in itself. Don't assume that I am so shallow that I would simply forsake God and all the eternities for my own selfish concerns.

Great answer!

One problem with all this "offended" -syndrome is that if you say you were offended, they think they can pull you back to activity by simply making a shallow, collective apology.

My answer as a convert is, that yes, I was offended by members, and still _joined_ the Morg - why would any offence have made me leave? I left because the doctrines made no sense, I didn't have any testimony, I felt bad in church and wanted to have my privacy, which seemed impossible, as an active member.

Good Lord, either I'm in a foul mood today, or Mormonism is just certifiably INSANE.

Actually, it's both.