Posted by:
Greyfort
(
)
Date: March 13, 2011 08:51PM
Until the past few years, my relationship with my mother has been a rather strained one. Somewhere inside, we feel that our loved ones are supposed to, well, love us, and support us.
I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother is simply not good at empathy. Her needs always come first. I don't particularly like that about her, but I've finally come to accept that it's just who she is.
She's a good woman. She just isn't good at empathy. If I'm sick, she'll get me a bowl of soup. But, if I try to talk to her about a problem, she'll always manage to tell me that it's my own fault. Her view of me and my view of myself are rather different. She gives no credit for growth. She'll be like, "You've always been like this," and I'll say, "Mom, I haven't been like that in 20 years." Stuff like that.
But for some reason, I guess because she's my mother and I had the idea that you're supposed to go to your mother for emotional support, I did the insanity thing. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
As CA girl pointed out, life for a TBM completely revolves around the Church. You're supposed to be happy in the Church, and if you're not, then there's something wrong with you. You can't change how they think.
Sometimes I still test my Mom out and try to share something with her. I don't know if it's some sort of perverse thing inside of me which is just daring her to say something critical or what, but somewhere along the line I managed to take away her power to hurt me with it. Maybe it's simply because I managed to accept her as she is and concentrate on her good qualities. But things have been pretty great between us for a few years now and I never thought I'd see that day.
It's nice, because she just turned 83 and now when I eventually lose her, I'll just miss my Mom. Before, it would have caused quite an emotional firestorm in me because of all the unresolved issues.
Maybe she has recognized that I've taken that burden off of her shoulders for being responsible for my emotional well-being, and she has relaxed a little too. I'm not sure.
I guess my point in all of this is that I can't change my Mom. She's pretty darn set in her ways. I had to begin reacting differently to her, and somehow, somewhere along the line, we managed to make peace with each other. She's actually even complimented me a few times now too, which is something she'd never done before. I about fell over. LOL
Even though it sucks, you're the one who needs to adjust how you relate to the TBMs, because they're stuck in a cult and they're not likely to adjust their thinking or their rigid ways.
You'll find that once you adjust your expectations - lower what you expect from them - that it will actually help you to find peace, and it will take away the sting from their judgmental attitudes.
It takes a little time, but for myself, I found that it was worth the effort. I finally, for the first time in my life, have a pretty nice relationship with my Mom.
A few years ago, when I was talking about my Mom, my sister said to me, "Man, you're one angry woman." At some point in time, I suddenly realized that the anger was just gone. I don't know when it happened, but it did.
I think I'm the one who ended up doing the adjusting, but for me, it was worth it.