...no more religion, family gone, huge paradigm shift, yet the old ways are blazed into your brain...how do you ditch who you once were and reinvent a new persona?

For me it was lots of practice and fake it 'til you make it.

I hadn't gone to church in a couple of years by the time I sent in my resignation, and had been living with a never-mo for a while so the change was a bit easier for me by then. However, the biggest hurdle for me was getting over the mindset that dead loved ones were constantly around, watching and judging. What a horrible thought to be burned into your head while taking a shower, changing clothes, etc. So, it was a lot of little corrections in my head every time I thought about it, constantly telling myself that no, there are no dead self-righteous spirits staring at me. It did eventually work.

It gets easier by the year. It's hard to put a # on these things, but a good 5-7 years is how long it takes me to get over big things. Death of my father, mom's slow slide into dementia, leaving mormonism.

Keep moving forward. Identify who your loyal friends are and keep them. Everyone else who doesn't support you will eventually fade away.

Good luck to you. Lots of support here.

Try to do all you can to be as physically healthy as possible. I don't mean WoW crap but just basic healthy things. Find something you love to do, find your passion. Get connected with mentally healthy people - that's not always easy to do, but remember no one's life is perfect. Love people where they are at in their life, appreciate differences, try to find the good in people and things. View negatives as something to be amused by. Tolerance, empathy, genuine interest and caring are not tbm qualities. It takes time to shed the lds trappings.Good luck to you.

Thanks, and I love your name.

After Mormonism: A New Story of Ourselves

Upon leaving Mormonism, former Mormons sometimes experience a confusion of identity—of who we are and how we fit into the world. The Mormon story was our story. We were part of it. It was part of us. Perhaps it was us. Therefore, when we leave we may feel we have lost a large part of our story about ourselves. Such a loss is profoundly unsettling. It isn’t unusual for ex-Mormons to experience periods of anxiety, depression, doubt, and regret.

Still, even as the longest biography of us could not hope to tell everything about us and might leave out important aspects of our life we ourselves might wish to tell it, so our life as a Mormon is not the only story, the whole story, or the truest story about us. As Mormons those events, thoughts, and feelings of our lives believed not to fit within the official Mormon story tended to be suppressed, hidden, ignored, shamed, and feared--written out of the story of ourselves.

However, when the elements which have been edited from our life to serve the Mormon story are recovered, identified, and honored, they can serve as a framework for the telling of a new, more authentic and enlivening account of who we are and who we are becoming. The process below is one way of recovering and retelling our personal stories so that they may be more satisfying, enlivening, and true to us.

Uncovering and Telling a New Story of Ourselves

1. Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper. It could be standard-size paper, a note book, or something much larger, such as an easel pad or newsprint.

2. On the left side write a title that represents your life or some key aspect of your life as a Mormon. I will use “Old Story.” You can be as creative as you like, however. The focus of the title may be as broad or narrow as you wish. On the right side put down whatever title that best expresses for you the new life you are beginning to live or you hope to live. I will use “New Story.”

3. On the left side under “Old Story” write down the events, the thoughts, and feelings that made up that story. Include both positive and negative items—anything that is important to you. You can use sentences, single words, drawings, pictures, or collage. Feel free to add to this column at any time.

4. Identify current thoughts, feelings, and events you like or are proud of which no longer fit the Old Story. Place these on the right side under New Story. Don’t worry about order. You can use single words, drawings, pictures, or collage. Feel free to add to this column at any time.

5. Identify what you are doing to move your New Story along and put these in the right column. Some questions along this line might be

• How did I prepare to take this step?
• What was the turning point that made this possible?
• How am I doing now that was different from before?
• What exactly am I doing?
• What image is guiding me or what am I saying to myself to keep going?
• If I made a plan, what is my plan?
• Am I doing this on my own or do other people play a part in making this happen?
• Who encourages the changes I’ve made and how does he or she show do it?

6. Identify how your New Story helps you identify important values and goals. Some questions might include

• What positive things does it say about me as a person that I would do this?
• What personal characteristics does it show?
• What have I learned about myself and other people that I did not know before?
• What does this show about my values?
• What does this show about my goals?

7. Identify times in the past when the elements of your New Story have surfaced even briefly. Identifying these times helps you link your New Story to the past, showing that the changes you are making have been part of you all along rather than an aberration or a mistake.

• Were there times I had done something like this before?
• What would be some examples?
• Did I or someone else predict this change? Who was friendly toward this change?
• Which incident in my past stands out as a good illustration of the changes I would be making?

8. Extend your New Story into the future. Doing this will help give you hope and vision, which are important for sustaining change. Some questions about the future might be

• If I look at the changes I’ve made as a trend in my life, what would the next step be?
• If I were to send a letter back to myself from the future, what positive changes would I tell about?
• What do I want my life to look like in a year or five years or ten years, given the changes I am making now?

9. When you have written down the elements of the Old Story and New Story you want to work with, identify the elements of the Old Story that you wish to keep as part of your New Story. Move those elements from the Old Story to your New Story by circling them and drawing an arrow from each circled element to your New Story side of the page. This brings together the positive elements of the Old Story into your New Story, creating continuity for your New Story.

10. Finally, when you have completed this process, hang the paper on a wall or put it somewhere accessible so you can use it to remind you of your New Story. You can add to the New Story from time-to-time as your life unfolds. Writing our New Story and sharing it with others, perhaps on Recovery from Mormonism or in another setting, often strengthens our new identity and encourages us in continuing with our new life.

Telling Our Own Stories

As Mormons we were encouraged to meet monthly and tell the Mormon story as our own story. This monthly retelling is a powerful method the church uses to strengthen Mormon identity, often at the expense of what is really true to its members. Recovering our story from Mormonism and telling it as we experience it rather than telling it as we were expected to tell it is a powerful way to stand up for ourselves and recover who we are. I hope that the ideas and process presented will move us a little further along toward living the story that is most true and enlivening for us.


Material for this article was adapted from Narrative Therapy: The Social Construction of Preferred Realities by Jill Freedman and Gene Combs

This is FABULOUS! I've copied the page and sent it to myself....I really think it will help me!

Thank you.

The ones that helped me the most:

Finding your Own North Star, by Martha Beck
[learning to reconnect with your genuine feelings--not the ones you have been SOCIALIZED to have--and let them help you find your best life path. Specific exercises to help you recognize situations and people that make you feel good . . . or bad, and recognize what energizes you].

The Joy Diet, Martha Beck
[10 things she recommends to add to your life to bring sanity, peace, contentment . . . stuff like "nothing", truth, risk, treats. play, connection, laughing, feasting (not always food, though), etc]


Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach (not sure about the last name and too lazy to look it up).
[this book has a daily short reading or assignment, to encourage the reader to experience life more fully. Principles like gratitude, love, beauty. Basically teaching how to awaken your senses and nurture yourself. You'll either love this book or hate it].

The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron (Lots of writing, and you DON'T need to be an artist for this book to apply). Helped me learn about myself.

What Color is Your Parachute, forgot the Author. Helped me move forward with things I wanted to do, but wasn't because I didn't want to disappoint my parents.

So why all the books? I needed to learn to recognize and honor my feelings and needs. I had been ALL about obeying and doing for SO long that I needed a little self-therapy.

Psychologically mature people think for themselves. They explore life and choose what they want to do with their existence. As a result of years of thinking independently (i.e., fully as individuals), questioning what they were led to believe was 'right' and 'true', and using their ability to think critically to ascertain truth from error, they develop a strong reputation with themselves over time that they can trust themselves. In short, they develop strong confidence in their mind and judgments. The same is possible for you. Hundreds of thousands of ex-Mormons have done so in the past 16 years of the Recovery from Mormonism 'revolution'.

Self-esteem is the reputation that we acquire with ourselves over time, particularly with our mind, as a result of decisions we made (and make) consciously or unconsciously, how we felt (feel), our impulses, and more. As we become more aware of how various influences, including Mormonism, conditioned us, our capacity to make other, different choices increases. With increased self-awareness, which is what happens to people as they extract themselves from cultic Mo-ism, they experience greater inner liberty of heart and mind to make different, 'soul-satisfying' choices for themselves/their lives.

Mormonism - and other authoritarian, mind-numbing religions - deny people the right to choose and create the type of life that would be best for them as individuals. The emphasis is always on obedience, on following the rules that came from the minds of religious leaders, past and present.

Such religions psychologically manufacture people who are strangers to their true/authentic self. Life choices that are congruent with what the church, religion and religious group says are 'right', 'the will of God', etc. are deemed to be 'worthy' of approval.

We can live by the 'group mind' or we can choose to exercise OUR mind and think independently (as individuals) and act accordingly.

How do you create a new persona? Mentally step outside the 'box' in which you have operated psychologically. Do things that you have never done before (things that won't result in your death or you being injured, getting an STD, or otherwise undermining the quality of your life!). Expand the scope of what you read, watch and do. Talk to people you would never talk to before. Try new stuff.

Engage in activities that you enjoy doing/feel drawn to, the ones that, as a Mo-bot, you automatically rejected because you were 'programmed' to by cultic Mo-ism.

Don't worry about 'screwing up'. Cultic Mormonism make people psychologically hyper-sensitive to making 'mistakes' (not being 'perfect'). Use commonsense, but don't allow fear to run your life. Consciously choose to let go of fear (there is SO much of it in cultic Mo-ism!).

Give yourself permission to think new thoughts. Unlock your imagination and creativity. You'll experience this wonderful world and humanity in ways that many Mormons secretly desire, but don't because of the LDS 'chains' of fear, guilt and shame that keep them bound to the dull and immovable Morg.

This poem by Mary Oliver was a frequent source of inspiration and comfort as I made the transition out of Mormonism.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver

I felt I had a lot of lost time to make up for and I was just barely out of HS. :)

Try waking up at 63....the despair of lost time is soul crushing. You are very lucky you came out of it in your youth.

Recovery from Mormonism Biographies. First gave me data, and supported me by real examples. Second it RFM Biography Board gave me other people’s feelngs. Finally RFM Biography Board helped me join a new group of people leaving. The RFM Biography Board showed me I wasn’t alone.
Mormon Women & Depression article.

Catch 22 ebook on site.
*first, gave me data with real life examples I could relate to

*second, helped me get in sync, sort it out, synthesize upsetting data with my life experiences by comparing them to others’ life experiences that bothered them too.

*third, pointed out, in Mormonism, there is paradoxical thinking- there IS a catch 22.

*vindicated my sense of injustice re gender roles/psychology power structure in society enmeshed with spirituality

*lent credibility to how forbidden praying to heavenly mother instead of heavenly father, that even an idea of pursuing the sacred feminine being threatening enough to generate a church court- and how that is integrated into feminine self image with only a male diety role model communication mode part of the daily ritual and routine, excluding inclusion in an image of sacred in daily life for half of humanity- is very destructive. Read the article – see the impacts in women’s lives.


Sarah Banbreath “Simple Abundance” suggests LDS thinking “endure to the end” as a life modality may be flattening life emotionally; “endure to the end”thinking may in fact suggest breath taking life sacrifices and actually lower life expectations, dreams, dramatically lessening life quality and experiences. LDS ‘endure to the end” thinking suggested in YW and RS, told me by a close friend after marrying in the Oakland temple suggests living in sacrificial flavor or fervor, to exist or subsist and “endure to the end:” where as Banbridge taught me that I deserved to treat myself well, not just “endure to the end” as taught me in young women’s and relief society.

• Banbridge’s emphasizing simple abundance, simple things, not extravagent and expensive or luxurious extravagances- made it possible to look at the mormon paradoxical thinking both puritanical antimaterialistic commands combined with social rewards for material success. Only the emphasis on simpicity made integrating the concept of me, a woman, deserving to be treated well by myself and my choices get road to ride on through my sacrificial virtue programming ‘endure to the end’ mental filter (LDS female idea promoting sacrificial virtues not promoting good self care rather than other care as a virtue.)

B Vitamins Sttress formula. In the 5 years I explored discontent before I left- I supported myself with B Vitamines (time release)

• Multiple obstacles challenged what I thought, what I believed, & all my priorities. Nothing mattered the same way any more I learned what really mattered. Nothing I believed I was sacrificing for was paying off. Punative doctrine, segregating practices keeping me from full participation in core California culture- all for a falisy. Everything I did following the commandments turned out wrong. Paying tithing? Not drinking coffee? Going to meetings? More obstacles. I no longer idealized scenes I could see. Mormon answers did not do for me.

• Obstacles, facing, climbing over through around obstacles turned on the problem solving towards obstacles around me and about the way I thought about problems, how I fought or even thought of problems.

Began weight lifting (physically) the year before I stopped believing and being LDS in thought. I began to live differently, feel in my body, walk, feel, move- differently. I felt stiff or sore after working out- I began to be present in the moment.

Reading Questia.com
Freely seeking reading excerpts and entire books, professional journals

• Ideas from search terms, magazine articles

• Learning how to click on a book chapter index. Learning how to read chapters I want on computer taught me that I don’t have to start one page one and go to the back.

• Learning how to click on the index of an online book and click only on words I wanted to find taught me it is ok to be seek ideas, it is logical, I do not have to limit myself to one book or how Brother ----- or the gospel doctrine teachers says. I can read an index on my own in any book. I can click on a words and look. I really can.

A Sales Method Book ? Carnegie training manual – to learn to work with community center’s visitors 9/10 years before I was out intellectually-

• Opened my eyes to blatant sales task, and sales pitches or persuasive tactics in General Conference Talks. They even print copies you can see for yourself. Instead of car
Automotive options plying anxious consumers fear of repairs, engine failure, lack of features, and being out of style. . . church sales artists sold us with forever family upgrade option packages (including food order and temple garment forms in triplicate just like sales forms then in triplicate) plied against fear of disaster, catastrophe categorized alphabetically by conference speaker now digitally.

• Then I could see anxiety provoking stories inserted regularly into primary lesson manuals
Provoking fear reactive response in adult teacher; directly
Teaching a fear response, instilling insecure response, anxiety trigger prompting clinging to taught rule or law for security taught directly. This instills a lack of safety and fear of life (buzz word is “the world”) through suggestion of frightening incidents in another child’s (parallel in age) story narrative. (This directly suggests this could happen to them or any child without divine intervention- hence, fear trigger, keep this rule, is the implied threat.)

Bishop saying: “Sister Williams, you think too much.”

• Considering D&C “the glory of God is intelligence” they either mean “my intelligence, but not your intelligence” or a catch 22, intelligence generated another paradox.

Book by Caryll Houselnder
• Short stories giving idea that God or Christ is in a human-
For instance saying God’s hands, or God was in the farmer’s rough hands- implying that all work on behalf of his family or children is holy work. Someone simply sweating while farming.

• I relate to a goodness in farm growers- not all churchy dressed up- not on the stand- doing irrigation, shovel in hand in a pickup truck with turkeys in back. Unrecognized, unimportant men socially in church- make this world.

• Houselander taught directly that God’s hands- God is in giving serving love happening by working for others. Not
Self important self promoting suited in shiny shoes with a quad in hand, inscribed name in leather strutting speaker at church. According to Houselander, a simple working man’s hands is God’s hands.

My farming father raised in the country never dressed up except for weddings and funerals. When he went in a clean pair of Sears pants, plaid button up short sleeve shirt and a new pair of Sears black lace up steel toed shoes he saved in a box for special occasions. & he never wore an undershirt or underware.
Spouses’ uncle’s friend – outsider to LDS church providing a translating listening ear to me as I rendered my vocabulary.

• Idea that Love is within not just without. A trappist monk with a phd in philosophy on retreat from university provided email support after a abbey retreat for me. Primarily he assisted me in suggesting reading, in a literary response dialoge online. This supported me in integrating the idea that goodness is not outside me. He supporting me is exploring the idea that goodness was in reality, not in a designated spot on another planet called Kolob, nor only the hallways or walkways of designated architectural structures called temples.

• HE REFUTED The idea that love is within, this is not a dark planet where love is on another world (Kolob) in outerspace someplace only visiting this dark place temporarily. (some people define God as love) Love is not temporary and it is not outside humanity, it is not outside or you or me. Through reading, visualization and exploration I came to a calm peace that there is & can be no removal of the Holy Ghost or part of love many all God from within me or any one part of humanity. There is NO removal of God or Christ CAN be within- and NOT on Kolob. Through this long series of conversations I came to believe that love happens through other humans- God in human form, or human hands- love is within. & thus I generated or created a safe world changing from the unsafe world mormon thought pattern. And so I generated or created a loving world, a love within state contrasted with a love without state LDS taught mormon thought pattern.

And that’s the trap- you are taught that there is not enough of that. *Not enough men (have to have less love directly individually & share your best friend with others who cannot love you too in Polygamy) * not enough love not enough God to go around like air molecules this is such a bad place or bad race he’s unwilling to stay here so he sends a Ghost. Its just temporary if you’re bad even the ghost of God won’t stay.
Who would I thank:

*first the last ward that couldn’t love one another where almost half the couples experiences divorces in one plague ridden year for giving me a chance promoting a good reason to stay away

• Working with meditation, yoga, mass, serving at risk youth, communicating with others, my spouse, my children, my old friends, my dogs, lifting weights, noticing nature driving through, walking to, water ways river, lake, ocean, seeking select stones among all the rocks on the path, my co workers, my students, & above all working with words, my internet groups