since TBMs really regard marriage as essential "for His eternal plan", I wonder what it's like to be Mormon, maybe within your mid or late twenties - and single. I would appreciate your feelings, experiences and thoughts on that. How did ward and family react, what were your feelings about it?
I left at age 26, but I was already get ripe in my marriagability as a BYU alum RM. One thing I liked about the Singles Ward was that no one asked me "Why aren't you married yet?" [Because I'm gay and just haven't come out yet!]
There was nothing more frustrating than going home and being judged solely on your marital status. RM - check, college grad - check, masters degree - check, full-time job - check, living in Washington, DC - check, married -FAIL!!!!!!!!
When I finished BYU, my sister TALKED ABOUT getting married to her bf. He was a good guy, but they broke up 2 months later so it never happened. I graduated in December, and hardly anyone bothered to congratulate me on putting myself through college. Instead, the two things I heard were: "When are you going to get a job? (It's Xmas, gimmafreakinbreak!)" and "Wow, your sister might get married???"
Working 4 years to pay for my own degree was nothing compared with the excitement of my sister possibly thinking about getting engaged to some guy she had known for a few months.
the attitudes were varied. I had a lot of fun while single and had a good job. My friends in the singles ward--we all went on road trips all the time, had parties, etc. We were forever having fun. I traveled many places while single. Whenever I'd talk to my mother about "why hadn't I found my one and only" she'd tell me that we all had a bad attitude. We didn't. We just couldn't figure out what we did wrong.
I was treated like a pariah by married friends, family members, even cousins (even after I married, they'd say, "Now how old were you when you got married?")
When we played sports against married wards, very rude comments were shouted at we single women.
I had a friend from work point out to me that the single women probably had on the newest brand shoes, new cars, nice clothes, etc. He was right.
After I got married, the truth came out. Almost every single one of my married friends (they all had finished having kids by the time I got married at age 27)--told me how envious they had been of my life--and they just wanted me to be as miserable at they were.
The attitude is "what is wrong with you," or "what are you doing wrong that you are not being blessed with your one and only"--it wasnt' until coming to this board that I realized that all my friends just married the first thing that came along. I was holding out for someone I wanted to be married to--gave up many opportunities with nonmembers.
After my ex left me, my dad (though not TBM thought I was happier mormon) kept telling me to go back, so I informed him of how they treat singles.
Maybe somewhere on this board are "Deenie's" posts--she had the best stories about being single in mormonism.
Yes, I was planning on just disappearing once I hit the magical age of 31 when they boot you out of the YSA wards and activities, or course now it's happening earlier.
One thing that amazes me about tscc is how much money they spend on the YSA. Yes, I live in a fairly large city with over 1000 YSA and 7 YSA wards. They have so many activities and a huge budget to spend on FHE and other social activities to help us pair off. In fact last Spring we had a YSA conference where they spent $15000 on us renting facilities such as the University, leisure Centre, food, etc for a weekend.
That's one shocker for young marrieds is once you are out of the YSA the activities drop as the family wards typically only have 2 big family activity events a year and the rest of the budget/activity planning is spent on the youth.
Of course I've been told this is all to ensure that the youth and YSA will stay within the church. As it is harder to leave once you've solemnized your marriage in the temple. And as a single why would you want to leave the happening sober party scene when the only alternative is to go to a dingy bar/club where you don't care to drink and you don't know anybody.
Of course this all ends at age 31 when you are relegated to the family wards and the 30+ single adult activities that are pathetic and depressing to attend.
and one night in particular, crying my eyes out on the phone to my mom (who I've since realized is an idiot). She wasn't very sympathetic, told me I was being silly, and I think even enjoyed it.
Not long after that, I met a guy who wasn't a bum, who let me talk him into getting married, and boy did that ever suck.
I've been single since 1990, and it's OK now, but it was painful getting here.
How nice would it have been to have parents who weren't conservative idiot Mormons, who didn't just assume I'd marry some guy, who gave a crap about education and discouraged the boy craziness? I don't know.
How nice would it have been to have some decent relationship role models? I don't know that, either.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2011 05:28AM by munchybotaz.
I was 30 (future Mrs Truthseeker was 28) when I got engaged and the one comment regarding my marriage that really pissed me off was - "I'm glad you've gotten your life in order". I've never punched anyone in the face - but I think about it.
I was single, alone, tbm from 23 to 28. Plus I did not serve a mission, and had been living in sin with my previous GF prior to re-activating...so 3 big strikes against me to start.
It wasn't easy. I felt like an outcast no matter where I went. I was "too old" to be in the singles ward where everyone else seemed to be in the 17-21 year range. I was single so I obviously didn't belong in a family ward.
Family gatherings were always awkward as well as a lot of my younger cousins were getting married and my sisters were both starting families already. On many occasions I was referred to as a "menace to society" by my aunts and uncles and there was an obvious undertone to their mocking that also hinted that there must be something wrong with me...possibly gay?
Anyhow, the only thing wrong with me was that I was an INTJ personallity trying to force my self into a system that doesn't work for me. I had a good job and good health and good friends outside of the cult that couldn't understand why I wouldn't let them set me up with someone non-mo.
I finally got myself out of the cult, found an awesome woman and am now married with a great kid. Life is good and the cult is pretty much behind me. I just wish I hadn't wasted so many years in it.
Rob Wrote: -------------------------------------------------------
> Anyhow, the only thing wrong with me was that I > was an INTJ personallity trying to force my self > into a system that doesn't work for me. I had a > good job and good health and good friends outside > of the cult that couldn't understand why I > wouldn't let them set me up with someone non-mo. > > I finally got myself out of the cult, found an > awesome woman and am now married with a great kid. > Life is good and the cult is pretty much behind > me. I just wish I hadn't wasted so many years in > it.
I was interested in your reference to being an INTJ. My sister is one and she got married when she was 35 after getting her Phd. She adopted a daughter when she was 50. If you think your life was hell as a male INJT, being an INTJ morg woman must be a living hell.
I am surprised that there are many INTJs who remain mormon since they would think their way out of it and resent being told what to do by other people.
I didn't last much past 18. Stalked out of SS once when I was 15 because of the "You WILL be a wife and mother and that's your sole purpose and you'll like it" lesson.
There was no way I'd have made it much longer in mormonism.
Things are bad right now I have a choice I hate it's ether marry out of this house or stay here wateing with my parants till they die.
It's gotten bad from church people recently very very bad. I cant descuss it on a board but I really would like to talk to some exmo about it I need to find someone who understands this.
blindmag Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Things are bad right now I have a choice I hate > it's ether marry out of this house or stay here > wateing with my parants till they die. > > It's gotten bad from church people recently very > very bad. I cant descuss it on a board but I > really would like to talk to some exmo about it I > need to find someone who understands this.
Sorry for your situation. Any chance of marrying a nomo? Any way to meet nomos? If you are blind, do you recieve any state financial support and are there programs that would let you live by yourself? Do you work?
We have a college nearby and people traval out of the town for lunch, the twoln is dead by nine at night other than kids so board they releve themselves in my mothers potplants. For sosahliseing with women we have a knitting club. it's an insult to my inteligance much like most of the things there were for young women over. if its not within walking distance, with people that give me a lift that can pass a TBM's trust test or are in the day because a single blind woman shouldnt be wlaking out in the dark, well I wont be able to go.
My parants are mormon as well. I basicly go where they do.
My nly refuge really now is Second Life.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2011 04:42PM by blindmag.
good afternoon!! after having came sooooo close to being dunked(baptised)(canceled twice) visited local lds church 6 times. noticed that being a 49 yr. old widow w/no children, i'd probably stick out like a sore thumb. even though i've been helped so much by this board in making my final decision, i can't help but be curious, what would my life had been like. In general most males my age are spoken for/have children, etc. The mormon faith appears to have less of that than most.
I meant to say the mormon faith appears to have more of the married sp. w/their children, grands, etc. ( in my age group) it would not have appeared to have been any guys or gals my age group to have pal around with. (just saying)
As a never-Mo, I am horrified at the concept of a religion that won't let you into the best part of Heaven unless you're married. As I go through life, it becomes more and more obvious that finding the right person is a crapshoot. Some of the most worthwhile people I know can't scrounge up a date. Some of the biggest wastes of DNA are married to wonderful people who adore them.
How awful to have to spend your life in limbo, being considered a second-class citizen until and unless you're married to someone, anyone--as long as that person is a Mormon, too.