(cursing)
I hate that I went to post on the rage dump thread, and it was closed!!!

I hate that I got cornered TWICE today by total strangers while trying to shop with my kids. One was telling me all about his TWENTY FOUR kids and all of their zodiac signs, and telling me I should be pregnant right now. Nice quote from this dirty old man: "My wife went in for her 6 week check-up, and I was in that shit." In front of my two young children. I so wish this was a joke.

Then some other dude feels the need to approach me as I am getting my kids in their carseats to ask about my car. Dude, step off!!!

And I hate that I have no skills to deal with weirdos, on the contrary, I seem to have a sign on my ass that says, "Talk to me, strange toothless men. I love it when you block the aisle and grab onto my cart while you tell me all about your psycho worldviews. I was so waiting for the first dude to ask me to be his plural wife. Blech. My stomach is still upset and my hands are sweaty.

Normally, I don't have a problem with homeless people walking along medians of busy streets begging for money.

Sure, it may not be pleasant to deal with all the possibilities of why the man is homeless right in front of you. But you either make a choice to give money, or you don't. Whatever.

But this guy was in the median, not for money, but to rage against his own demons. It was scary! And felt dangerous for both everyone driving down the road and him. There was a good possibility that he was going to either go apeshit on someone driving, or just jump out into the middle of the road.

piper Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> (cursing)
> I hate that I went to post on the rage dump
> thread, and it was closed!!!
>
> I hate that I got cornered TWICE today by total
> strangers while trying to shop with my kids. One
> was telling me all about his TWENTY FOUR kids and
> all of their zodiac signs, and telling me I should
> be pregnant right now. Nice quote from this dirty
> old man: "My wife went in for her 6 week check-up,
> and I was in that shit." In front of my two young
> children. I so wish this was a joke.
>
> Then some other dude feels the need to approach me
> as I am getting my kids in their carseats to ask
> about my car. Dude, step off!!!
>
> And I hate that I have no skills to deal with
> weirdos, on the contrary, I seem to have a sign on
> my ass that says, "Talk to me, strange toothless
> men. I love it when you block the aisle and grab
> onto my cart while you tell me all about your
> psycho worldviews. I was so waiting for the first
> dude to ask me to be his plural wife. Blech. My
> stomach is still upset and my hands are sweaty.

I spoke with a very badly confused old lady, yesterday. It was quite tragic as she was a stroke victim and that had caused her confusion. After 20 minutes I realised I had a headache. But at work it seems to be my job to deal with difficult people. "You are so patient, Matt!" they say. Yeah, sure! ;o))

I hate the continuing affect this religion and those in its clutches still have on me, though I moved a continent away. I hate how my TBM parents cry and tell me I'm trampling on my ancestors when I drink coffee. I hate how this week has been full of emotional turmoil because of the crap I take from a childhood with morgbots. I'm not following God's arbitrary laws, and my parents can't help but tell me I'm going to hell and a failure. I hate that. And how some day, I'll *inevitably* see that they were right, a dumb child coming back to the dumber fold. I hate that their irrationality and small-mindedness still affects me...because I need emotional support and approval sometimes, and their beliefs have kept them from ever giving it to me because I don't see things the same way they do. I wish I had a family.

Ugh.

I hate it when my boyfriend can't comprehend why I'm so angry. I hate how I can't actually enjoy the internship offer I got today because I'm dealing with this crap.

Oh, and I hate sleep deprivation.

Whew.

Good luck with your situation, and with your internship.

If you want to start your own thread on it there are a lot of smart people here with lots of advice and different experiences that may help.

Thanks. I think I will. It's gotten to the point where I can't handle it on my own anymore--it's so nice to know there are other people out there who have gone through similar circumstances.

It's 1:37 AM. I haven't gotten more than 2 hours sleep any night this week.

I hate being in pain. All the freakin' time. I hate my own bitchiness and whininess.

I hate fibromyalgia.

I hate that my younger sister is so weak and can't handle some minor responsibility. She's 46 for crap's sake. It's too long for here, but I was going to apply for a job 700 miles from home, but don't feel I can because I can't trust her not to have a meltdown. The minor responsibility is taking our parents places once a week at the most. They don't have any wheels right now, but are quite independent. I had taken a contract TEMP job in Tennessee, and considered applying for the job. Sis said she was OK with it, and two days later had a melt down, allegedly over something else. I can't trust her with the folks.
As long as the folks are alive, it's hard to be really honest with her, as I feel I need to keep those lines of communication open. She may be in for a rude awakening once the folks are gone.
And no, none of them are Mo. I was the only mo and now I'm ex.
Susan

think I will either leave or post less.

Not sure if I can help, but I know sometimes how you feel.

and maybe for giving advice on something I know about to try to help others (although usually not, because my family is not TBM). There are good, and bad things here. I have to keep silent on the trauma, and sometimes that is what I need help with the most. I need to talk about it, and cannot, but also need legal or some kind of redress. Personally I need someone to pay for what they did.

No one can help me with that, and I cannot even help myself. Also, I cannot turn to the board for empathy over something few will empathize with - maybe with parts of it, but the last 5 or 6 years of my life have been pure hell, and not many here would understand that.

I do have plenty of things to do when my brain works, although the board is the only place where people understand certain aspects of my life. I do not need to goof off here, I can just watch Jon Stewart or Colbert.

And I never know what can aggravate me. Weird things, like mentioning the name Mata, the Red Iguana, certain LD$ properties, asking what everyone is eating or even the way some posters are treated have triggered PTSD reactions for me. It's like less than six degrees of separation plus Russian roulette on what will trigger PTSD or a seizure next time. Maybe something will, maybe it won't, and who knows what someone will innocently say next.

I've posted that it's been bad for me lately. And it's the same thing. I can be fine, and then BAM! Something small sets me off.

But that's how it works, I guess. Our adrenaline created the strong memories, and any time anything gets linked to those memories, can trigger my adrenaline to shoot sky high lately.

Anything that threatens my well-being, and certain people knowing where I live, no matter how small, is unbearable. Probabilities do not matter, just the possibility, and of course the reminders of certain people, and what they did to me. Logically I am usually fine, unless there is a real threat (which makes the stress even worse), but emotionally I am not. I had five or more very traumatic things happen in the past several years. Some were short incidents, but most were ongoing situations I could not get out of, and all were a series of events leading to me being homeless, which was extremely traumatic. Epilepsy can also amplify my emotions when I am going through extreme stress.

With me it can be something specific that reminds me of an incident or even general things like the seasons. Spring makes me angry about a lot of things, because I used to have a nice garden, and am a gardener. Here's the reaction: I HATE THE CULT, HATE THE MEMBERS, HATES THEIR LIES!!! I am angry at the SLPD for not doing their job, at an appointed attorney for not doing his job, at a judge for not doing his job, at thieving POS property owners & LD$ neighbors, because somewhere at some time someone should do the right thing, but I am considered trash, and unimportant in Utah, so they do nothing to help me.

I went through PTSD years ago, and got over it after several years, but this time it is different, because the effects will always impact my life, and I am surrounded by the cult. There are triggers all the time. The other PTSD involved one person, their vehicle, and certain situations that would trigger it. Utah, and all of the TBM’s are constantly setting off the new version of my PTSD. If certain people had to pay for what they did to me, I would be able to recover much better, because I would have the most ever-present of the reminders gone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2011 05:56AM by atheist&happy:-).