Here's mine:

Brother Tonto Goldsten, through the power of the Milky-chocolate Priesthood which I hold and in the name of Ralph nader and having the right and the responsibility as a Patriarch of the Church of Infidelity and Mistrust, I lay my hands upon your head to give you a Patriarchal Blessing.

I bless you that you shall have all the poontame and beer your heart desires. You will not recognize when they are sent from the Lord, but they shall nonetheless come in your very darkest hour.

I bless you that your Harley will function as designed, intended and envisioned by the manufacterer, and that you shall be able to perform all servicing on said hog without referring the the owner's manual.

I bless you that you may enjoy the power of erection without medicinal aid and that no boner will last more than four hours unless five women, an organ-grinder monkey and a fifty-five gallon drum of Astroglide are involved. Yea, your balling and erection are hereby made sure! I bless you that you may be given wisdom and understanding. Be kind and gentle to small children and animals and beat the living hell out of molestors and people who change lanes without signalling, and that fucktard who voices over the Magic Jack ads on TV.

You have received the priesthood of God and membership in Heavenly Father’s church here upon this earth, and have rightfully - and with wisdom abounding - cast them aside for loftier pursuits - like working in your garden and profecting the art of profanity. As you ponder and study the meaning of life you will find that food and drink are most blessed in the eyes of the Lord. Further, the Lord has blessed you with a modicum of filthy lucre, which I, the Lord, command you to spend as you see fit. Loud laughter and light mindedness shall be the fruits of your spending and your children shall not inherit one red-assed cent. Testify to the world, that the children of men are to have joy via eating, drinking and making merry.

In your life, you will have occasion to travel and to work in different parts of the world, like Tahiti where the women don't wear no tops. As you do so, remember that you share brotherhood and sisterhood with children of all nations and of all races and that you have the responsibility to see as many of them naked as your eyes can stand.

You've been placed on earth to learn to piss off liars and charlatans, and to call "bullshit" whenever and wherever necessary. Your faithfullness in these things will lead you to an eternal reward of Chimay and chocolate-covered strawberries. I bless you to this end and as long as you are faithful these blessings will be yours.

I bless you now to be firm in your conviction, to be faithful to all that is buxom and curvish, faithful to yourself, faithful to the NRA, and it's son, the National Sporting Clays Association, and to Casper the Friendly Ghost cuz he always says "hello" and he's really glad to meet cha, wherever he may go, he's kind to every living creature.

I seal this blessing on your curly-headed pate in the name of FSM, ALL HAIL! RAmen

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/08/2011 05:24PM by Freevolved.

Ron, I'd just been on another post and it was pertaining to this "blessing" My ? was, is this another ritual in which the LDS faith practices/performs. I didn't know whether it was a running joke w/yourself and the other guy or what. Enjoyed your post, btw, and you have a great imagination to have come up w/this. It's hilarious.

Yes, it's another ritual. Age is not a factor when given the calling but it's usually an old guy. And the blessings are usually given to teens although, adults receive them as well.

See the following for a more detailed description:


by Ariel S. Ballif

Each stake in the Church has at least one patriarch ordained, as the Prophet Joseph Smith wrote, "for the benefit of the posterity of the Saints as it was with Jacob in giving his patriarchal blessing unto his sons" (WJS, p. 6). Age is not a factor, and the call, which is for voluntary service in giving patriarchal blessings to stake members, may come to any worthy, spiritually mature high priest.


The Doctrine and Covenants speaks of "evangelical ministers," which is understood to refer to Patriarchs. The Council of the Twelve Apostles has the responsibility of calling and ordaining stake Patriarchs "as they shall be designated unto them by revelation" (D&C 107:39). This responsibility is now generally delegated to stake presidents. A stake patriarch may also give patriarchal blessings outside his stake to members of his own family. If he moves to another stake, his jurisdiction there requires approval through the Council of the Twelve.

The training and preparation of Patriarchs includes spiritual enhancement through prayer and righteous living, constant study of the scriptural and historical heritage of the calling, and occasional meetings where they are instructed by their leaders.

Members of the Church receive a blessing from a stake patriarch only on a bishop's recommendation following an interview. Approval is based on a desire and readiness to receive the blessing, and on personal worthiness as shown by faithfulness in the gospel and Church service. The blessing is given in a quiet setting, usually a room in the stake center or the home of the patriarch. Parents, a spouse, or other immediate family members may be invited to witness the blessing. The recipient is seated. The patriarch lays his hands on the head of the person and invokes the inspiration of the Holy Ghost. In the spirit of fasting and prayer all present are united in faith to seek inspired insight into the birthright blessings and destinies of the recipient. The patriarch also seeks inspiration to specify the dominant family line that leads back to Abraham. Then, as manifested by the Spirit, the patriarch gives admonitions, promises, and assurances.

The stake patriarch always records and transcribes the blessings he gives. The original copy is sent to the patriarchal division of the Church Historical Department. A copy given to the individual becomes a permanent record that is held sacred. It is usually available only to the recipient, or later to his family and descendants.

The appointment of stake Patriarchs does not preempt the calling and right of every father in the Church who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood also to give each of his children father's blessings. Both ordained Patriarchs and priesthood-bearing fathers have the power, through spiritual inspiration, to give a priesthood blessing that will look down the corridor of time and expand the vision, strengthen the faith, and clarify the life mission of the one receiving the blessing.

Deb
a P Blessing is often routine, meaning they are kinda standard, not really for each Individual.

Mine mentioned that I would be the mother of many and grandmother of many in this life.

I got mine when I was 54, took what little will power I have to not ask him : "are you high?"

OMG LMAO!!!!

LOL!!!!

If anyone lays their hands on my head, something awful is coming out of their mouths.

Just sayin'...

Ron