In my exit story, I briefly touched on a period of my life when I was being put through way too much, and began to question my faith.

It happened from around 2001 to 2004, so there are a lot of things I’ve forgotten. It started around the time of 9/11, which sent the world into shock to begin with. Then in a brief period of about 2 or 3 years, my family was really put through the ringer, and no matter what we did, we just couldn’t seem to catch a break. We’d try to pick ourselves up, only to get knocked right back down again, before we could even catch our breaths.

I was diagnosed with a tumour and had to have major surgery. Gratefully, it turned out to be benign, but I developed an infection after the surgery and was also severely anaemic afterwards. I spent 10 months on disability, where I slept at least 16 hours a day, trying to recover.

My Dad lost his ability to walk, due to spinal stenosis, and had to have surgery on his spine. Only a year and a half after my first surgery, I was told that I was developing uterine cancer and had to have a complete hysterectomy.

Our dog died, which really sent my parents into a depression because they really loved that dog. They think the dog had a heart attack. It was just so unexpected.

My brother nearly died due to his alcoholism. He had gout. His speech was slurred, even when he wasn’t drinking. His extremities were becoming numb. He lost his job. My parents gave my brother their entire life savings, trying to help him keep his house. In the end, he lost the house anyway and ended up living in a cheap motel, with his 3 cats, which my Dad was paying for. My brother missed Christmas with us that year, as one of the cats got out of the motel and he was searching for her. At least she was found. That was one good thing, but my parents were still in mourning for their dog. I swear my parents aged 10 years worrying about my brother. He never did pay them back so much as a penny, and has often asked for money again. I told him he’s not to ask them anymore.

My Dad was forced into retirement before he could afford to retire, so we had to find a new place to live. This greatly depressed my Mom, as we lived in her dream home and she didn’t want to leave it.

I had been searching for work for over a year, and finally got a job working for the LDS Church, which was a complete morale and testimony destroyer.

Even our happy moments were tinged with fear, after my sister gave birth to her two children during those few years and both mother and baby nearly died, both times, for completely different reasons.

Then, just as my job at the Church was coming to an end, I began to get dizzy. Again, I was put on disability, as before long I couldn’t move without tipping over. I had spent 6 months losing 43 lbs and was so proud of myself. But it took about 9 months to clear that up, during which time I could barely move. I just sat there all day long, trying not to move my head too much and consequently, I put back on all the weight and then some.

I went through a battery of tests, trying to figure out what was wrong. They feared I’d had a stroke. I never did get a real diagnosis, but I’d had two colds within a few months of each other and the doctor thinks that one of the colds got into my inner ear. He said that something like that can take months to clear up. The only cure is time. It took me 2 ½ years to find employment again.

It was just one thing after another, within a fairly short period of time. I called it our ‘Trial of Job’ period. Lately, we’ve been going through a mini-period like this. They do happen in life, but that one period really stands out as being particularly nasty.

That’s when I got my tattoo. I called it my warrior’s badge. It represented what I thought of was a war with God.

During this entire time period, I’d spent countless hours in prayer, and scripture reading. While I worked for the Church, I would go into the Chapel, sit in the dark and just pour my heart out to God. Before I got my job with the Church, I’d spent about a year begging and pleading in my prayers that my family would just be given at least a small break. All we needed was just a little time to at least catch our breaths.

That’s why I was so confused when I did get the Church job, because seeing that the Church was nothing but a good ole boys club – a big Corporation – really damaged my testimony, and I couldn’t understand why God would have chosen that job for me. Why would he put me into a situation which only made things worse?

I felt lost and confused, and the Church’s reaction was to put me on probation from my job, rather than help me to deal with my confusion. It angered my parents too, because I’d given 30 years to the Church and they knew I was a good and faithful girl. They couldn’t understand my Church’s treatment of me at all.

I finally got to the point where I yelled at God, for the first time in my life. I yelled, “Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted? Have we suffered enough for you yet? Is this how you get your jollies? Why aren’t you listening? Why don’t you care? Do you care at all?” I was so hurt and angry. I didn’t deserve to be abandoned, and I certainly felt that I had been.

I lost hope. I had no intention of harming myself, but I saw no purpose to my life and wondered why I was even living. Why was I here? That’s when the idea first hit me that there was no one there to hear my prayers. I was only talking to myself. There were people rejoicing that God had helped them find their car keys, and yet here I was, a good person, being completely ignored by Him. Or maybe, He simply wasn’t there at all.

I thought of this period of my life after I read GayLayAle’s exit story. I’ve not had an easy life. This could get longer and longer if I outlined all the things which have happened to me. The daily bullying in school. My best friend’s death when I was 16, only 2 weeks after I’d lost my Nana. Dealing with my Asperger’s Syndrome. The panic attacks and severe anxiety. I’ve faced a lot of unemployment, as it’s really difficult for me to get a new job due to being extremely timid. There’s the difficult relationship with a critical mother, which gratefully has gotten a lot better, as she has mellowed with age. I never married. I never got to be a mother, when I really wanted to be one. There has been loneliness.

It’s been difficult, and as GayLayAle said, you do discover that you’re a lot stronger than you think you are. We’re survivors. We’re strong.

However, what prompted me to write this is that I was wondering if it’s perhaps often the people who’ve not had an easy life who end up questioning the existence of God. You begin to realize that we’re on our own here. The only people we can truly count on would be ourselves.

You realize that there’s either no God, He’s truly not interested in helping us, or He’s completely impotent and cannot help us. Although, I know people who’ve also not had an easy life and that has only strengthened their faith.

I don’t know what makes one person cling to faith and another finally let go of it entirely. It’s just something which I was lying awake thinking about. I finally decided to just give up, get up and type. I’ve been writing this between 4:00 a.m. and 5:30 a.m., as I also check things out on-line.

It was 5 weeks as of yesterday that I lost my little cat and I’ve been a bit of an insomniac ever since. For me, that’s not usual. I usually sleep fairly well. One thing about not being able to sleep, is that you sure do have lots of quiet time to ponder your life and look at where it’s brought you to and how it has shaped who you are today, and how you think.

For anyone else who might be up and reading, thanks for pondering with me.

Wow thanks for writing that, your thoughts parallel some of mine. I enjoy your pondering.

I went through a period of time where I yelled at God too. Could not get a job for the life of me. After going to college, getting good grades, getting a graduate degree, doing all the mormon things-temple marriage, tithing, baby,etc., I was not blessed at all. I was suddenly almost homeless. WTH? I tried everything to get a job but it was like everything was rigged against me. Finally, I yelled and screamed at God, became somewhat suicidal and probably would have found a way to end it if not for my cute little daughter giving me a reason to live. Somehow I kept going.

Eventually I concluded that there was no help going to be coming from God or the spirit world. I was on my own, quit asking him for help, started just looking even harder going door to door, pounding the pavement and eventually landed a part-time job which paid next to nothing but it gave me a foot in the door. This was like 20 plus years ago. I've been able to make a decent living and raise a family over the years.

Recently I went through a similar situation. The economy has messed up my client base and threatens to throw me out the door again and I've been scrambling (although I still temporarily have my job)it is really tough out there, especially once you reach a certain age. Life is just plain hard. Once again I've tried to avoid the magical thinking that comes into play, and just realize God is not going to help me. He will not lift a finger. I've got to rely on my wits, connections, creative thinking, etc. God is no help in these situations. If he won't intervene to save thousands of Japanese from being swept away by a tsunami, why would he help me find a job?

Does God exist? No idea. I still find myself falling into old Mormon habits of magical thinking, but I suspect that this magical thinking may be somewhat programmed into our DNA. If I look at things objectively, i see an amazing universe in which we are nothing. We live briefly, then die. Our consciousness fizzles out and our bodies return to dust.

All we can do is seize the day.

Greyfort Wrote:
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> It’s been difficult, and as GayLayAle said, you do discover that you’re a lot stronger than you think you are. We’re survivors. We’re strong.

That's what comes through in your writing, and in your posts in general, Greyfort: your inner strength. You are an immensely strong person.

I'm sorry for your travails. I hope that things improve for you.

Wish I had answers to life's questions,but appreciate you sharing. If it helps, you are not alone in many of your experiences and your thoughts.

Thanks, guys. I realized that I'd told GayLayAle that I understood that feeling of being put through too much to handle, and I'd also touched on it in my exit story, but I hadn't elaborated. I felt that was a post in itself, so I made it one.

Thanks, madiran. I've been saying for a while that this is one reason we have this forum. We can all relate to one another in some way, understand where we've been, where we are now, and where we're trying to go. I hope your employment situation stabilizes for you.

It really is confusing to a person who has been raised a Mormon, or spent most of their life in the faith, as I had, and to be told that you're the elite of the earth, and then wonder why God isn't there for you.

You pay your tithing and expect the windows of Heaven to be opened for you and they aren't. You follow all the rules and wonder why you feel punished so much. You're simply told, "I will have a tried and tested people." Great, thanks.

But then you read in the Book of Mormon where the peoples burdens were made light for them. So you try to negotiate. "Okay, so maybe you can't take away my trials. Can you at least do that Book of Mormon thing and make my burdens seem light, so that I don't nearly want to do myself in? Hello? Anybody there? No, huh? Hello? Is anyone even there? Hello?" Silence.

I experienced problems with dizziness, as well, and after a year of seeking medical opinions found a competent, problem-solving md who diagnosed me with painless migraines so severe the balance function and hearing in my left ear had been measurably damaged.

She told me the body has 3 balance mechanisms--muscular, visual and inner ear. Only one of mine was damaged. She said my own brain would, over time, surmise which one "not to listen to" and would shut off communication with it. She was right! So, my efforts then rightly turned to mitigating the migraines and any future damage they might cause.

Our brains are remarkable problem-solvers. I've had lasic surgery monovision. That's where one eye's reading and one is for distance. I'm never sure which eye is being used, because my brain automatically determines that for me!!

Look to yourself and others you trust for answers. Humans are incredible, remarkable animals and have the tools to survive if we'll use those tools and "listen." (Yes, TBM's! It's not some stupid still small EXTERNAL voice that helps us. It's our own "natural man" that we're told is an enemy to god, which is IN FACT, millenia of evolutionary fine-tuning meant to support our survival.)

At least that's my take.

This was just posted on my Facebook page. I like it:

"`Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it`.

Buddha"