I'm an exmo woman married to a nevermo man. Even growing up TBM, I never thought that I would have children (can't stand to be around babies...yes I know everyone claims they're different if they're your own, but I never felt the desire to have a baby) DH and I discussed this early on when we were dating, and he was okay with it. I'm open to adoption, he's not, so we dote on our two nephews and we both seem satisfied with having them around and not having any of our own.

I brought up the subject of a vasectomy. Thus far I've been solely responsible for the birth control, and if we're not going to have children, I'd prefer to take a permanent step rather than what we're doing now. I'm only 27, so the odds of finding a doctor that would do something permanent to me are low. DH is 39. I'd like him to do something in the next two years. He refuses to discuss it. He won't give me a straight answer as to why. He won't outright say he wants children, either. I've told him that if he wants to have a baby, I'm open to it, but there's a timeline on it. It would have to happen in the next 2 years or so, so DH is still young enough to enjoy it.

So men, give me your opinions! Think he wants to have a baby and just won't tell me? Or is a vasectomy just something a little too scary to contemplate? I'm going to keep trying to weasel it out of him, but I'd like a man's point of view on this one. Since I grew up TBM, all the guys I knew claimed they wanted children. I'm not sure how it is with nevermo men.

I am NOT a man, but I would like to tell you what I think. My DexH, still faithful mo, would never do it either, so I finally had my tubes tied AFTER having 5 kids by age 28.

I honestly always believed and still do, that he wanted to make sure that if we ever divorced, or if I died and he remarried he would have the option of being able to have more children with another woman who may really want that. I am probably wrong, but that is what I immediately thought of when I read your post.

I hope this does not upset you that I have posted here, when you have asked for men only. Just ignore, if it does.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 03:42PM by think4u.

Yup, this.

I was snipped when I was 35, 5 kids into my marriage. My wife was quite upset when I told her I was going to have it done (she had told my brother- something I had not known about at the time- that she wanted 10 kids), the two counselors in my bishopric at the time told me that the "Bishop's Handbook" expressly forbade me from getting clipped. (To my bishop's credit he called me in and told me they had no idea what they were talking about...)

It was the best thing I had done in years. I don't regret having my children, but I could not imagine having had more, and I did not want to be in my late 50's with a junior in high school running around the house. Plus the spontaneous love making it introduced my wife and I to is excellent, no having to worry about an "oops".

I'd be open to tying the tubes now due to age alone, but five years ago, two years ago, notsomuch. Even though I was done with the babies, tying the tubes was *too* permanent. What if I changed my mind? Basically, I guess I just didn't want to close off my options, even though I was pretty solid in my choices that I wasn't going to have any more children. I can see the hubs being stand-offish here just because of the permanency.

I think this thinking also falls in line with what "think4u" said as far as death/divorce/remarriage; that thought popped in my head as well.

Scalpel Fear?

Something from his past that's still haunting him?

Perhaps some other religious / moral / ethical situation, or;

Maybe his peers have cajoled him into the 'Manliness' aspect.

I know when I have talked with other guys about vasectomies most have considered it tantamount to being neutered. This is a serious pride issue for a lot of men. A lot of men equate virility with being a man regardless of whether they want to have kids or not. However, your husband may just not fancy the idea of a Sharp object near the boys or may want children. The only way to know is to keep trying to communicate. Good luck!

I had one at 39 after the last of our three kids were born. When we were considering a third child DW said she was ready but I took another year to say OK and then I had this idea that if we were having another it had to be before I turned 40. Mentally, even if I were otherwise open to having more kids, I definitely didn't want any after turning 40. The thought of going to HS graduation and dealing with college stuff at or after the age of 60 is something I don't and won't deal with.

If I had to guess, I'd think a guys hesitation is more due to the thought of having a surgical procedure done down there, messing with his manliness ... more than the idea that he might want children later.

But I don't feel comfortable with my DH having a vasectomy. He does not want one. I won't get my tubes tied either. I've just known too many people who've had either or and then end of having complications. Sometimes, years later.

I'm an IUD woman. The one I get lasts 10 years. No pills to take. No discomfort. And best of all, no surgery.

IUD's are awesome. I'm surprised more people don't use them.

I'm a 35 yr old exmo and I have never really been into having kids. I married a nevermo wife who feels the same way. When we were younger we contemplated it but wanted to put it off until we were older. However, the older we get the less desire we have to have any. At this point we are solidly against the idea of having kids and are glad to have come to this conclusion. We enjoy our freedom and have absolutely no desire any longer to pop any out.

I have no idea what your husband is thinking when it comes to getting snipped but for me, when my wife first brought it up I was a little leery of the idea because it seemed so final and I thought well maybe "just in case" I wanted to have a kid I'll forgo it. However, now that the idea has settled in my mind a little, I feel more comfortable with the idea and am now planning on doing it. I have completely made up my mind I do NOT want kids and so why not get a vasectomy?

Not sure that helps you at all but maybe he just needs to get used to the idea. Also, my wife kept mentioning about how birth control is not healthy for her body and can increase her chances of cancer. Don't know how true that is, but I love my wife and that helped me seriously consider getting a vasectomy as well prevent that "blessed accident."

Also, maybe he just needs more education. The thought of the scalpel going down "there" is scary for a lot of men. Supposedly the surgery is hardly noticeable. Maybe hes needs to hear some testimonials and some info. Also, I was concerned that I would enjoy sex or be able to ejaculate but apparently the procedure doesn't affect any of that.

I know for me the thought alone is nauseating! I am not a big fan of any "medical procedure." So, I would probably take the "avoidance" route and not want to talk about it either. It's a pretty permanent decision. I know it can be reversed but it is difficult. I guess it's kinda like getting a tattoo. You better make damn sure that it is what you want to do. Plus Mrs. elderborracho recently had her tubes tied. She wanted to do it and we never even really talked about it other than she asked if I was would support her in doing it. We were done having kids, so sure. Anyhow, just my perspective.

Not a man but hubby is and FINALLY had the snip-and-clip done after years of us "talking" about it. I asked him point-blank one day what was taking him so long and his reply was, "I don't really want a doctor cutting me in that area."

They're just chicken. When I finally educated him on how easy it would be, especially compared to a female having her tubes tied, he finally did it.

Whined for days afterward though... til I reminded him I squeezed out several children, so take his ice pack and shut up. lol

I've had this discussion with my wife, and I have a real fear of that procedure. I'd rather use condoms for the rest of my life. Since I'm 'uncut' I like having a desensitizing layer so I'll last a little longer ;)

I need to relate two experiences, only one was mine. With me, I was the same way, I just didn't want kids. My TBM brother had seven all together, and I figured he didn't need any help trying to populate the earth all by himself. No one in my exes family had kids, except her mother. When she turned 30, she decided we wanted kids, so we had two beautiful daughters. Then I got snipped, no problems associated with the procedure. We never discussed her getting fixed, I've often wondered why. She's an ex now, so it doesn't matter.

My friend and co-worker decided a few years after I was snipped to go ahead and have a vasectomy. He was off work for a day and when he came back, he could barely walk. His nuts swelled like elephants nuts. I don't know what went wrong with his, but things can happen. After about two weeks, the swelling went down, but he was miserable for a time.

I got cliped and tied many years ago. For me and my wife at the time it was by mutual agreement. We didn't want any more kids and I wanted the freedom from any birth control not working. It was a 15 minute in office procedure. Done deal. However a friend was thinking about it. It wasn't the pain or embarassment, but the fact in his head he could not reproduce again. His wife wanted it,,he wanted it,,but that factor made it difficult for him. He finaly did it but it was not an easy decision.

I will be getting a vasectomy in a few months, after the birth of my second child. For me, there are several factors that contribute to the anxiety I feel about the upcoming procedure. The fear of pain being at the forefront. Look, I know that men can't possibly comprehend the agony of childbirth, but our testicles are extremely sensitive, to the point that a light tap in just the wrong way can incapacitate a man. Willingly allowing another dude to take a knife and a soldering iron to them is downright terrifying. Also, virility is psychologically tied to our sense of masculinity, and, for me, the thought losing my manhood in any way is unsettling. No man wants to be a eunuch, even if he doesn't want children, and even though vasectomies are quite different from actually having the organs removed, I think there's still something of a stigma to getting it done.

I don't want anymore kids, though, and I don't think it's fair to make my wife carry the burden of protecting her uterus from those invading little monsters alone. Besides, unlike other forms of birth control, vasectomies have few (if any) longterm negative effects, and can sometimes be reversed. I can take a little pain and a temporary blow to my ego, because the positives of having the procedure done far outweigh the negatives.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 02:59PM by homo sapiens maximus.

DH and I made the decision to do something permanent. I didn't want to be on birth control after 35, because of the risks involved (and I have a friend who nearly died from blood clots associated with being 40 and on BCP's). I also didn't want to be in the "high risk" category of pregnancy, even though many women decide to have children late 30's.

Plus, the older we got, the less we wanted to have children. My husband was squeamish about the procedure. Then he went on the internet and found information for a "no needle, no scalpel" vasectomy. He said it was a breeze.

Numbing medication delivered via an air blast. only ONE 3mm incision, covered with a baby band-aid and no stitches. He took the weekend and Monday off (no heavy lifting and DH has a physically strenuous job).

One Advil took away any discomfort.

If your male partners have problems with the cutting and pain aspect, I strongly suggest checking this procedure out.

EDIT: and yes, having permanent birth control does make sex more fun and free of inhibitions and encumbrances associated with an unexpected unwanted baby.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 03:26PM by WickedTwin.

Has anyone had a bad result with vasectomy?

Just curious

Anagrammy

For sure! My brother got clipped a couple of years ago and a post-op infection dang near killed him. Comparatively, I got mine done a few weeks ago and after about a week of minor soreness (never even took a pain pill) I was back to 100%. The pain and likelihood of infection depend heavily on the procedure used; the less invasive the better. (Duh, right?)

As a side note to @westernwillows, the doctor mentioned that there are a lot of men for whom the prospect of surgery on the testiculars is a VERY discomforting thought. It's so... permanent. It almost feels like giving up a part of your manliness. I had a few of the same thoughts leading up to my surgery, but the thought of unfettered, spontaneous sex sans BC any time the kids weren't around proved a very "uplifting". :-)

Its far easier for a male to be sterilized VS a female. I didn't want my wife to have to go through any surgery. It took a half hour - but unlike WickedTwin, there was a local administered, sutures, and about a 24 hour recovery period.

Some guys just don't like their junk messed with. I would totally recommend vasectomy to any guy. No fuss - no muss.

Again, not a man...

I think he wants a baby, but knowing how you feel about it, he doesn't want to pressure you. He probably knows that even though he'd be a decent dad, the woman really bears the brunt of pregnancy (certainly) and child rearing (sometimes). Thus, he probably feels it should be your decision. I also think maybe he's hoping you'll have an "oops" because that way neither of you made the decision and it's not anybody's fault. Getting clipped takes away the possibility of an "oops."

I think it's normal to want biological children. I also think maybe he's wondering if you'll regret the decision to end your fertility forever once you are a little older. I've had friends who were SURE they didn't want children in their twenties, only to give in to the biological clock in their mid or even late thirties. Vasectomies are reversible, of course, but with limited success.

Then again, maybe he's just uncomfortable with the idea of someone performing surgery on his beloved junk. That's entirely possible.

It might also be that he's afraid he'll want children in the future if anything happens to you. That doesn't mean he *hopes* anything bad will happen to you, but I think it's normal to think about stuff like that sometimes.

How frustrating that he's unwilling to talk about it. I would take that as a sign that it's not up for discussion right now. It's his body and his decision, although obviously it has consequences for you. Tough spot to be in.

I would have gone under the knife if I knew it would have brightened up our sex life.

Mormons have Consistently been taught that B.C. is 'Bad'; agains't God's will, etc. etc.

the 'Doctrine' (yeah, Right) has shifted over the years since 1st DW & I were married (71); first it was 'artificail' b.c., then changed to 'Permanent' b.c.

Nobody now knows where it is, They Won't Tell!

You are right, guynoir.

In the new CHI, maybe in other editions, I don't know... it says that vasectomy is supposed to be discussed prayerfully with the bishop. It also says a man with a vasectomy isn't allowed access to the CHI.

"Step away from my johnson with that sharp thing!".

Just sayin'...

Ron

The urologist (in very Mo Sandy UT) had a back room with magazines for producing a fresh sample. Gaack. The surgery itself was no big woop.

Yuck. My urologist just said to put a "sample" in a jar, usually collected by a condom, and bring it in. You could even refrigerate it overnight.

Don't eat the cold tapioca.

I'm hoping its just fear of going under the knife. Totally reasonable =) I would have a permanent procedure myself (there's one they can do in 10 minutes in a doctors office) but given my age, I would have a hard time convincing any doctor to do it. I currently have an IUD, so there's very little risk of an "oops" However, the procedure to put it in was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had done (for the guys--it gives you something similar to labor pains for about 24 hours) and I would really prefer not to get another one.

DH is 7 years away from retiring from the police force. That's a big factor in my decision not to have kids--after he retires, then what? We know we're not staying where we are now. If its just the two of us and we're living in our camper trailer for a while, that's okay. If we have a kid we have to have some stability (and health insurance). It limits where we can go and what we can do. I'm not sure I want to make that commitment. I'm not sure he is either. He's not very good at telling me we're out of milk or bread, so he's probably not very good at telling me if he wants a child or not.

A lot of our friends have had kids in the last two years. I am left out of a lot of things now with people who used to be my friends (I'm not invited to "mommy's group" which means they conveniently forget to invite me to a lot of other things too) It would be really easy for me to jump on the bandwagon and start popping out kids, but having a child because I'm bored and feel left out is the wrong reason to do it. We live in a small, very family oriented town, so there's pressure every day to have a child. Maybe he feels the same pressure I do and just won't tell me?