It will get better. This is just a very low point. No, not only crazy people talk to themselves. There is someone you can trust, somewhere. Keep on hanging on. Stay away from the razor blades, you promised never again. Life will be better. In the next world, maybe, if you go back to the mormon church. Yeah, that would help, I am sure. Liars.

Stay away from the one in the family who constantly gets into your business. The one who loves to stir the pot and make trouble. The one who has shown you again and again she is not to be trusted. The one who will never be wrong or apologize.

You are a good person, you are generous, even though your daughter accused you of trying to buy her, when all you did was anything and everything you could possibly think of to help her when her baby was dying. Her mean words hurt you deeply and still do.

Even though she hates you and speaks to you no longer, life goes on. You know it is NOT your fault that her baby died, even if she believes that and always will.

She is no longer the daughter you raised. She belongs to the mormon church and the mormon god. She has hurt you in more ways than you could have ever imagined possible. Let go and be done with her.

Don't give up on life, some things could change. Tomorrow will be a better day. You are just tired, very tired.

You have lived through the worst Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Mother's Day, all in one year, possible in a life time, completely alone, all by yourself, and you are still here. You, think4u, are a survivor. Now prove it to yourself.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2011 12:11PM by think4u.

Like a journal of sorts to vent, but with a mostly anonymous audience.

I like it. Good post.

You do add value to the world think4u...you are strong and courageous...people here care about you...if I was in your area I would jump in my car and come sit with you...most people do not have near as much strength as you do...believe that! Loves

What kind words, tiptoes. I wish I knew you.

Would love to converse more but am slightly concerned that my identity would be discovered. My email address is quite revealing. Do you have an email address that would not compromise your identity?

I am so sorry that you are going through all these things and it is causing you so much pain and hurt. You are a very strong woman and have the courage and fortitude to accept what is true concerning the church even with the severe problems and reactions it has had with your children.

Hang it there because I know you will certainly feel better with time and know for sure that going back to mormonism is not the answer and I feel very strongly that your children will eventually understand and accept you much better than they have in the past.

You are a good person who really just needs to know and follow what is true and doing that is the right and correct thing for you to do.

You are going to have a good life and much happiness is coming your way so please just hang in there and let this pass.

A good friend.

Just saying.

Thanks, my friends, I will be fine; sometimes the sadness just really gets to me and I just have to get it out any way I can. Like I said, I AM a survivor, and NO , no need to worry xx Man, I would rather die than go back to the mormon church. That will NEVER be happening!

And not only do I hear you, think4u, I feel you. Just reading that put me in the exact same place and I go in and out of it all the time. I don't think it will ever go away. So you do the right thing by putting it out there and acknowledging it.

I hate Mother's Day more than any day of the year. I thought there could be nothing worse than a daughter who accuses me of being responsible for her boyfriend trying to kill her (because I supposedly taught her to stay in relationships with abusive men (my former eternal mate)--even though the majority of her life she saw me work to get OUT of that relationship).

But there could be something worse--that would be having a daughter blame me for the death of her child. When I think of that, I take the pain my daughter instills in me and times it by about 10 and I just want to reach out and hug you because I don't even know what to say. Just when you think things might be getting better they throw it out there again. Just remember, it's not you. They need a whipping post and you're it. I'm it with my daughter. If they didn't have that, they'd have to face facts that they've been taught their whole lives that they shouldn't have to face.

One of the biggest fallacies of raising kids mormon is that they're taught from the time they're little that everything they do that might not be right is because Satan was tempting them. Every bad decision they make is because they didn't listen to the spirit (because Satan was thwarting them). Even their own depression is caused by Satan. So when something happens they can't deal with, they have to figure out who in their life is the middle man between them and Satan, even if they don't consciously realize that.

So ::::hugs:::: We're here for you and I hope you're able to smile a little more today.

So good to hear from you NR. You always make my day brighter, and yes, it is a better day. You know the ghosts just seem to really come out late at night!

Late at night is the time for the...if only, what ifs, could I have done this..and the past sneaks in and the future looks.awful...it's quiet and no one if awake in the world but you...

My friends with adult children would like to move far far away and change their names..

You're fine they aren't...

stormy

ps to NR- I agree totally, Mother's Day has become the absolute worst day of the year.

Whomever thought up that stupid idea most likely never realized that they were setting probably half of the women in the world up for flat out heartache.

So sorry you are feeling down.

Your posts seem to vassilate wildly between highs and lows. Is is possible that you suffer from a mood disorder? Have you seen a doctor and described to him/her what you are feeling from time to time?

Most concerning is your veiled threat of suicide with the ref. to razor blades.

Please get some professional help. And keep posting and getting the support of folks here who seem to adore you.

could your daughter think it was your fault that her baby died? What is she saying?

My mood has seriously vascillated between highs and lows since leaving the mo church because my LIFE has. The freedom of getting out was difficult initially and also exillerating, but just when things seem to be getting better with the kids, all hell breaks loose again, and to be perfectly honest, it has NEVER been really good with them since I left the church, artificial at best.

When one DIL in my family apologized to me, I was just sooo happy on that day. It was a miracle, and to this day things are fine with that couple. But I have 5 TBM children plus their spouses, plus an ex husband and that is a LOT to deal with at times. I need to work more on just letting go. I have actually been to counseling a few times, but found it pretty worthless. I get more help from books I read.

I have had a couple espisodes of depression in my life before leaving TSCC, but they were very situation dependent. When I was 28 with 5 kids and never got out of the house I became depressed. When I felt stuck in an abusive relationship there were times I did get help for depression, as I no longer really wanted to live. I was also very depressed as I learned the church was not what it claimed to be, and could feel the weight of what the future would likely hold.

I try to live in the moments, and most days I feel pretty good. But this last year has been just one slap in the face after another from just a few of my kids, and yes, she blames me for her baby's death, I have no doubt, as I had not enough, well any, mormon faith. She somehow " knew" her baby was supposed to live and I am an RN and after the second open heart surgery was resigned to the fact that she most likely would not. She sent me a letter once implying that, but it is not what she says so much as how she treats me, and did the whole time the baby was ill. I did a great deal to help her and feel totally unappreciated and that really hurts. I know my kids well; she must blame someone and she has chosen me, even though I think deep down she knows it is not true.

I also deal with a sister that is manipulative and uses me, although I have put a stop to that in recent months.

Being on my own after 38 plus years of marriage has held many challenges. It makes me sad when my kids treat me as if I am invisible, and I miss the great relationships we once had. I have resigned myself to the fact that because of the church, things with them will never be the same, but sometimes it is just much worse than others. Once I did cut one wrist pretty deeply, I was hurting and numb, and wanted to see if would even hurt. It didn't , which surprised me, but I did it when Col Moroni was there, knowing I was not really suicidal and that he would stop me and he did. I want to live, I really do. But I also want very much to move away from Utah, the mormons, and my kids that live here, well esp. that one daughter as she no longer speaks to me ever. I sometimes late at night cry a lot and post here because it helps to just get it out. Leaving mormonism has been far more difficult than I ever expected it to be.

Thanks for the concern, and don't worry, I am not suicidal, just hurting much of the time lately. Mother's Day was the worst, don't even want to go into it. But next year I will not be living here, and it will be easier to move on. Just like it is easier to feel lonely, which I do at times, now that I am divorced and am supposed to be alone, it will be easier to not see my kids and grandkids when I am 800 miles away and it is really not a even a hope or possibility on holiday's or special occasions, if that makes any sense. Plus I will be going home to start a new life, already know many people there, tired of the cold Utah winters and the shunning of the mo's who know I left because I no longer believe.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2011 12:07PM by think4u.

I need to write a similar letter to myself and you've given me the nudge I need to do it. Keep talking to yourself! I do it! It's like listening to the real god! Who else could know you and love you like you do?

Thanks for the moral support WCG! I read your posts often, am well aware of who you are: smart, funny, caring and thoughtful. If I remember correctly you are from Cal.-- hope to meet you some day!

You're doing great!

that you are going through this stuff. AND I wonder if they weren't mormon if some of this stuff would still be going on as mothers are the whipping posts--just like someone above said. I get it, too, from my very TBM daughter and from my very NON-TBM son. My son and I were always close and he has been SOMETHING the past 6 months. I won't even go into what he has done to me. I'm living in Colorado part of the time with my boyfriend to get some distance between he and I--and hopefully he will get his life together without mommy there to blame.

We do everything we can for our kids and hope they appreciate it. I don't know that they ever do. We have to find a life for ourselves--though it is difficult. I miss the relationship I had with my son and I hope for better in the future. My daughter, we had 10 days together between her being in Tennessee and Alaska and they were good--but I still feel judged in terms of she thinks I just don't get it where mormonism is concerned.

I guess we have to let them find their way and maybe with life experience, they'll have more understanding of our lives. We can only hope--but, in the meantime, take care of yourself. Did you get that house in California? I am here in Colorado, but I miss my home--but I can't go back there right now to live permanently. Distance does help. I can say that. It doesn't make it easy, but it does help.

Just remember that my son is NOT MORMON and he is doing worse things to me than my daughter at this point. I think part of it is just being a mom.

I think you are right, that part of it is just being the mom to grown children with strong opinions and minds of their own. Being a mother in law to 5, who came from completely different homes and backgrounds than how I raised my own was a challenge well before I left the church. So the point you make is valid and actually very helpful. Thanks for that.

I have not sold my home yet, but I think it will sell within a couple of months. Still hoping to buy that one house, but whatever , I am definitely not spending one more winter in Utah. Next year will be better , I just know it. And life is not all bad, 3 of my 5 kids actually treat me pretty well. I have much to be grateful for and I need to always remember that.

Late at night is when I sometimes suffer most. I already feel renewed hope with the light of a new day. Thanks again c12, I have read many of your posts and am familiar with your story. We all have one, that is for sure.

as there are similarities in most of our lives with someone, somewhere that is a thorn in our side.
Writing is such good therapy!

My hope for you is that you will find a way to work through these experiences in such a way that you find some peace and joy at the end of the tunnel.

I recall something someone told me that has stuck with me for years: the only way out is through.

Keep on, keeping on! :-)

I have heard that saying as well- the only way out is through. I believe it is true. That is why when it really hurts, I try to be still and just sit with the pain, and sometimes I write as well.

It seems if I try to avoid the pain, it just persists and comes out in different forms, like more anger than ever. I knew today would be better, and it is, not for any particular reason, nothing has changed, but I have taken the time to visit and sit quietly with the pain once again. It works.

My best good wishes to you.

What advice do you have to Moms with young kids? Do we do too much for them, not enough? I remember being handed our oldest child and there were no instructions anywhere. I loved him dearly but thought what if I mess this baby up some how. Then what do I do?

Or no matter what we do, in the end it will stink? It's tough looking at our little guys and thinking, in 10 years I may be poison no matter what I do.

stormy

to stormy,

Col. Moroni constantly tells me we did WAY too much for our kids, and that is why some treat me like they do. He is simply shocked by their lack of gratitude and that they treat me as though I am invisible, even those that are not mean, well most of them.

My exH made a lot of money and we gave them all a lot, far more than most parents are able, and he says that was a HUGE mistake, that is why they are ungrateful. It is truly shocking to him. He calls one of them a "spoiled brat" on a regular basis.

So maybe he is right, and best not to give them to much. If you give little of material goods and help, then you will not feel the expectation that they should always at least be kind and thoughtful to you when you get older. It hurts, just really does.

I would do it differently if I had to do over, but of course I was not making all the decisions, but I must admit, I always wanted very much to make their lives easier in any way I possibly could. I was always in favor of giving them as much as possible, so can not blame exH anymore than myself. Maybe myself more.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2011 11:40AM by think4u.