All that's left are his mom and dad, and they' re staying with us. Which is fine with me since his mom is supervising bath time and I'm having a glass of wine.
His family did me in when we were first married and it hasn't changed much. Someone else just steps up to end plate and takes a swing.

Jake, his dad and mom and I fast down this evening and had a long talk. There's a lot they never knew because they didn't want to know. Always easier not to know. For instance my parents didn't pay our first wedding, I did. My parents hated Jake and refused to pay for our wedding..i paid for it from my trust find. Another for instance, I paid for jakes school his parents didn't. They were speechless. I told them I'm not sure now that I can deal with them. As much as I want to belong,i never will. I know I won't. I'll always wonder when I'll step on yet another bomb. The boys won't fit in either.

They were very quiet. Jake was quiet. He looked at his parents and then at me and said what's going to happen now? All I said was figure it out. Either aol this crap is resolved or we don't get married. It's that simple.
Talk your parents. His mom silence was all I needed to hear..she still doesn't want us to get married. I know that..now jake has to make a big decision...i don't need their approval but I do need his assurance that we'll always come first and his toxic family won't interfere. Let his family say what they will and be done with it and never mention or hint at out again.

So after baths they can sit down and talk it all out. Jake had promised me we be married but I'm not sure. His family even though they live far away never seem to give up.

stormy


it



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2011 08:00PM by stormy.

Sending good vibes your way Stormy.

IMO it sounds like your Jake just needs to politely tell your dad/mom and family that their religion ought to stay the f*** completely out of your family life and that their religion is ruining your family. He could also challenge his parents to find out if their Stake President is the one pulling the doctrinal strings on their behaviors or if they're being out-of-step with their leaders. You might think WTF on what I just wrote. But here's the situation.

1. LDS leaders like to appear all "family values" so they'd never officially sanction such a**hole behavior of LDS'ers to the non-LDS'ers.

2. People like your MIL are bound/determined to follow their leaders.

You can use this to your advantage by Jake telling them that they are to NEVER try any of their church strategies (even non-verbally) unless they get official sanction from their LDS leaders to do so. And if they cross the line the quickest way to stop the crap is for Jake to demand the phone number of the SP so he can let them know that [name of relative] is not following the church's teachings.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck to you all. This whole mess has got to hurt a lot.

Stormy, you're going to be okay. As long as Jake is willing to put you and the boys first it will work out. You don't have to live in his family's pocket(s) and vice versa.

There may be a process of education for them in religious tolerance, but it sounds like most family members are willing to try. It won't happen overnight. And you'll have good-sized chunks of time between visits to regroup.

Now rest up and enjoy some alone time with your guys.

I have to admit that I'm curious as to how his parents didn't know that you paid for his schooling. Where did they think the money was coming from?

They didn't care where the money came from. It wasn't coming out of their pockets..student loans.


Scooter your post made no sense..and confirmations are never bitching to my knowledge but thanks any way.

Stormy

So he was hoping it was a good time, not criticising it.

(As always, I could be interpreting this incorrectly -- but that's how he appeared to be using the word.)

Now I hope you can relax and regroup. Big family get togethers are stressful, I know. I also know how stressful 7 or more children at a time are. Be good to yourself before you take on anything more (if you can). :)

your post really makes no sense.

We've all been following this like a cancor sore, but it's probably time for you to hit the pillow.

Hope the confirmation was bitching.

Please edit this in the morning. Sounds like the trainwreck finally crashed into the bottom of the canyon.

And then it hasn't.

Hugs and kisses.

Hey, at least no one was raptured.

Might as well face facts. This is not the kind of family you can be buddies with.

It is what it is.

The only way you can make a go with them is to keep your distance.

Don't invite them to your home or to events unless you are a glutton for punishment.

It sounds like the family is making an effort. Even the SIL apologized. You can't expect them to change completely overnight. I'd be grateful that they are trying and take things one day at a time.Don't borrow trouble. They attended the First Communion, allowed their kids to go to a Catholic school with your sones and Jake's parents took your side against the SIL. That is something.I'm sure you wish they weren't Mormon and I'm sure they wish you were, but they are making an effort. Meet them halfway.You don't have to spend a lot of time with them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2011 09:10PM by bona dea.

send family home.

I think Jake made his decision - seems clear to me that he wants to marry you. If you have any concerns, I'd attribute them to: too much family interference the past few days.

My view: stop talking to family about personal stuff, stop explaining, stop rehashing the past. Shut the door on it. It's over and done with.

Don't invite them to stay with you. Keep visits short.
Keep your privacy and set boundaries on how much time any of his family spends with you. Keep it to a minimum and meet in neutral places like a restaurant.

Jake's family is much different than what you have created for yourself. They won't be in your lives on a daily basis in the future.

My sense is that you are on exhaustion overload - physically, and emotionally.

Time for a nice bath and a quiet evening! Send family to a motel!:-)

You'll feel better and more confident about your decisions when you are rested up!

I must have missed something. I thought things were going well except for the SIL's rude comment. I even thought his Dad was paying for some of the wedding.

Look, Jake seems to always speak so highly of you and his love for you so maybe you are just TIRED of his family being around. You need distance. I say keep that distance for a long,long time. IF Jake truly can choose you over his loser mom then you have nothing to worry about. Only YOU can tell if he is doing that.

It seems doing the marriage thing mucks things up because of his family and his inability to disengage from them.

My suggestion. Hold off on the marriage thing. It brings too much crap to the table. Continue living together and being best of friends. You both seem to care deeply for the friendship and not being married seems to hold his family back and off a bit.

You two have a good thing going. Are you so intent on pushing things and getting married that you lose what you have?

Time to relax. Chill. Have some time out. You both are wonderful the way you are. JMHO

I'd rather be married to Jake. Living together without children is one thing but we have the boys. It's better for all of us.

It's not getting married again that's the problem. This is a cut and burn mode...I get them every once in awhile. You know those..cut and burn and worry about what's left later. And what I'd like to cut and burn are the Mormon soon to be in laws. I know they are part of the deal but I'd like them to be a very small, small part. There's a lot of

His sister could care less about apologizing and I'm sure she'll get an earful when her mom and dad get home. Oh well, she earned that one.

It'll be fine. They know to keep their distance..until invited in. Jake told them. His Mom of course said, when the two of you were married the first time, I knew you would leave the Church. One of you had to give and I knew she wouldn't. This messed up my family idea and then when you did leave, it was no surprise. But still I can't believe we all won't be together in the CK. Jake said...well if the Mormons have it right, I'm still sealed to you right? Well then I'll be there. Now if the Catholics have it right, I'll see you anyway ...but don't come over without calling first.His suggestion to his parents, take a cruise or something, write a blog, get new hobbies. But make sure storm and I are not included in your hobbies. We can do fine on our own. But if I ever need advice, I'll ask you first. I think his fingers were crossed on that one. I hope.

He told them the boys were very happy to see them. Matt was so glad they came. His Mom didn't understand until she saw First Communion how important it was to Catholics. You're all right, maybe seeing a different religion will let them see most of the others aren't as bad as they were told. Everyone was gracious to them, praising them for coming so far. Ha..they don't know, Mormons will travel to hell and back for blessings and such.

I'm an only child..no sibs and now no parents. My family life was strict and emotionally crummy. Always hoped for a neat family...maybe there's no such thing. Anyway, the one I'm getting as you all said. it is what it is. How I was raised is why I'm stubbornly independent. I had to be.No complaints on that at all.

Time to hit the pillow.

stormy

You're all right..I'm tired..so I went and checked the horses. Came in, jake was still talking with his parents..took a long bath and when I finished, they were gone.

I truly love him for that. I am definitely feeling better. We won't be seeing them for awhile..except for his sister it was ok. The kids had a ball, ours and theirs. His mom was actually very nice. Jake's dad will be in debt forever if he pays for this wedding..vbg..only part not all.

Next feel better chocolate first communion cake withgooey frosting in j's of course...going to work tomorr
ow will actually be restful.

All I need now...is big time help on wedding flowers.

stormy

That Jake, he's a lucky guy.

because she wasn't all girly and fawning over me! But I could see that she adored him. Over the years I've had chills to think that I could have stopped what has been a wonderful, squabbley, very engaged marriage. I have come to genuinely and truly love my daughter-in-law for some amazing qualities that I stand in awe of. I suggest that parents stay OUT of choosing their children's mates.

Over the years the differences have been accepted or ironed out. And I've done my share of growth as well. I suspect Jake's parents will follow the same evolutionary path. You just can't ignore happiness in your children. And by the way, my son put me in my place a couple of times too. ;)

Hang in there, Stormy. You may yet have the (extended) family you've dreamed of.

I sure hope you're right. It would be nice but if not I sure have the best one in the family with Jake.

Looking back I could see this coming...but his mom was really great. She's trying hard to be nice and doing a good job. She was helpful and gracious. I talked with her this evening. She loved being with the boys. Told us we're doing a good parenting job. She thought the first communion was beautiful and matt was the cutest boy there. Not too prejudiced. His brother and his wife called thanking us for our hospitality. They're looking forward to our wedding. The girls are excited to be in the wedding..not many chances where they live. They love their dresses and love not throwing flowers on the rig..have no idea where they got that idea.

Jake called his sister to see what was up. She got teamed by her mom and dad for being a jerk. She apologized to Jake and asked if I talk with her and I did..taking the advice you have on putting the past to bed. Of course she asked if she could be in the wedding..i was not in a big hurry to answer..but said yes but not the matron of honor. So now she had to play catch up on getting her dress..she also asked about her kids..could they be in the wedding? Told her they already are don't worry about that. She told me it was just too much to see the beautiful dresses when hers
was only so so and then the hideous clothes she had to wear to the temple..she has never gone back since her wedding. I told her I was sorry but maybe they could renew their vows and she could get a different dress. She said she didn't remember any mormons doing that..hey I told her there's a cure for that...resign. Long silence..then might be doing that.

His family often makes my head swim..but I bet many families are like this...i need to lower my expectations and just be grateful for small things. That could be the trouble, I'm trying too hard..think I'll not over think it and wing it from now on..

Thanks so much for all your support..love ya all.

stormy

stormy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I told her I was sorry but
> maybe they could renew their vows and she could
> get a different dress. She said she didn't
> remember any mormons doing that.

That is so typical. Mormons can't do anything unless they are SURE that it's OK with the "brethren." The fact that she didn't remember any Mormons doing that keeps her from doing it. They are so afraid of breaking some "rule."

Of course the problem with Temple-married Mormons "renewing their vows" is that their "vows" were secret temple vows where they didn't vow any love to each other but just vowed obedience to the Church.

Do Mormons renew their marriage vows or whatever they call it? If it has to be done in the temple that would defeat the purpose..could their bishop do it? Trying to find some way for her to be special for once. Darn Mormons, no one gets to be special ever do they?

stormy

Wow, stormy, you may get his sister to leave Mormonism. She admitted what the problem was. She is seeing what a real wedding will be like. This has been very good for his whole family. So now is it your turn to lovebomb? Ha-ha.

Never thought of it that way. Hmm...I'll do it.

stormy

Hi Stormy...I was in a situation similar to yours. My guy backed out and the wedding never took place. In my case I had racism to deal with on top of not being Mormon--good luck :)

--anybody

Hopefully you found someone better. I'm sorry you had to go through that..
stormy

all of you are talking and working through your reactions and adjusting to one another, making amends, etc. That's what families do, when they are working well.

Now the hard part is for you to ...well..relax! :-) Ya right!

But, really....I think the hardest part is over-- the initial crash of two very different families muddling through and learning to cooperate and respect one another and understand each other...:-)

Now, it's the hectic wedding plans, dress fittings, getting all the details to come together. Piece of cake! :-)

You're doing fine -- just in case my opinion ..matters! :-)

I'm relaxing because everyone is gone and just Jake and the boys are left..thank goodness. We're really busy at the PT office and I'm considering opening another office. doing the research on that, looking for a building etc. It's always easier to be in a building with orthopedic surgeons. Ready made business...they usually refer many of our patients. That will be fun planning and so will the wedding.

Being a compulsive get it done then relax..kind of person. It will be all planned within 2-3 weeks..then I'll just keep an eye on everything. I never had dress fittings with my other wedding...just ordered the dress...flew home put it on and got married. How many dress fittings are there? Boy am I uniformed on all of this. I assumed the dress would fit like it did at the salon. They don't?

Sort of decided on the cake..navy blue and silver...as in navy and silver ribbon on the bottom of the cake layers and navy or silver flowers...it seems an entire navy cake is not a good idea...so it will be white and trimmed in navy and silver that matches the dress. Something like that. I know the colors and the baker knows what can or can't be done. Shouldn't be that hard, I hope..Two layers of chocolate and something else.

Flowers are harder...not many are blue..none are navy blue naturally expcept irises..so that ends that...I'll think about it and if any of you have ideas send them along. We'll have lots of flowers..altar flowers, pew flowers...lots of them.

The rest will be easy...we have the church, the country club for the reception...oh...table decorations...I'll think about that later. I do a good imitation of Scarlet in Gone with Wind when I get swamped.

Wonder how many times I'll change my mind...vbg.

We'll work out the family dynamics...in time. Meanwhile I'll stay far away.

stormy

You can always do a contrasting color with the flowers--something that really stands out against both your dress and the navy bridesmaid dresses. Roses are traditional, but if you like something different, gerbera daisies come in all sorts of colors. The bells of Ireland are a green flower that are also a bit different. Whatever you choose, it'll be beautiful.

all that Great and Abominableness should have teh marments scurrying back to Zion.

I'm so tempted by your suggestion, but they probably wouldn't get it.

stormy

If I may make a suggestion. Table discussions that you don't need to have with Jake's parents and delay decisions until after Jake's parents leave and you both have had time to rest and feel relaxed. Then review the good, the bad, the ugly, discuss it, and make decisions and plans. You all need some recovery time.

They're all home..left monday morning...you didn'thear me cheering..?

There will just be every day life around here, I hope..

stormy

input on ideas. Have fabric samples of colors, if possible.
Then you can coordinate the reception colors with the dresses and flowers and the cake.

I agree: contrasting colors with the blues are beautiful:white, red, yellow, and all the shades...etc. Look at a color wheel.

Oh..and....Congrats on your business success.