I went to pick my daughter up after a 7 AM to 11 AM shift at her job. I arrived early and parked under a tree for shade. On my way to parking In noticed a young Mormon mother unloading her Mormon Assault Vehicle (MAV) with a bunch of kids she was trying to corral.

I parked, and after sitting for ten minutes felt the umistakeable feeling in my lower intestinal track of the previous three days of eating grilled bratwursts protesting and needing to escape.

Knowing I didn't have time to walk to the library I turned the car on and peeled around the 30 yards to the closest parking spot I could get to the library entrance.

Sweat beading on my forehead I left the car and headed into the library. And I'll be damned, the lady with all the #$@%^$& kids has them all log jammed in the foyer in front of the second door. She hadn't even made it into the frigging library, and was barring my entrance to the lounge, which I could see only 20 feet away.

Finally she gets the last of the ankle biters through the door and I run like I'm trying to escape a gulag for the men's room. I made it.

But it irks me to think I almost had an accident because some lady and her umanageable amount of kids almost kept me from my mission.

When you are in the restroom "doin what comes natcherly" and several teenagers walk in and they all exclaim "GAA! PEE-YEW!! GROSS!!!! Man, what f***in died in here?" and on and on.

It used to embarrass me horribly. Now that I'm older I can walk out and give them an old-lady withering glance and say something bitchy.

"Oh, right. Like yours smells like roses" is the mildest!

I ran for the bathroom,
It cost me a dime
Lucky for me.
I made it on time

I'da gone sooner
Had I known I was loaded,
For as I sat,
My a&& exploded