So it has been just over two months since we lost our pregnancy. And now my friends who were all expecting are starting to have their babies or had them recently after we lost ours.

Our girls have been doing ok coping with the loss, as have we, but it is difficult to be around babies, especially baby boys. Our two youngest girls quite often, sometimes multiple times a day, will bring up the baby or losing him and they want to talk about it. This is often amplified when we are around other people with babies.

Well one of my friends had her baby boy a few weeks after we had our loss and she decided to stop by yesterday during her errands. Well she stayed for 4 hours. She has been having some post partum depression. My 3 year old kept talking about our baby and honestly the girls were a bit awkward with her baby boy. Well my friend apparently had enough of my daughter bringing it up, even though I told her I was ok with it because it is the girls' way of dealing with it, talking it out and I am ok with that, she decided which is fine to tell my daughter to basically shut up and not bring it up again.. Not the same words, but definitely the tone. I understand it is difficult for her as well to have the baby and not me. So I get it. But she could have handled it differently.

Well after she left I could tell the girls' attitudes and moods changed and bedtime was really difficult, crying, clinginess.... which is not how the girls are at all. They always put themselves to sleep.

I guess where I need advice is how often and how soon should I let the girls be around babies, etc? Or should I just base it on how well I know they are and protect them a bit longer?

My guess is that it troubles you more than your daughters. Kids are resilient and what they express outwardly may not be as deep-seated as adults. I lost my twins at 18 weeks (well, my wife did). All the kids knew, ages 12 to 3. After seven years, I still grieve for the loss. My kids never had anything close to the pain I did.

My advise - let them be around babies. They will heal more quickly than you will. And focus on how you are going to continue to deal with the loss.

I would tell them that Mommy's friend feels sad about the loss of your baby as well, and that it's hard on her to have a baby knowing that you don't. With that in mind, she's probably not the best person with whom to share their feelings of loss. That should be reserved for family members and perhaps close friends of theirs.

Then you can talk about while you are sad about losing your baby, it does happen sometimes, and you will try again in the future. It doesn't prevent you from being happy for your friend or enjoying her cute little baby boy. In effect, you will be modeling for them an appropriate way to handle their feelings. They will tend to take the lead from you. I would also tell them that when your friend comes over, after a quick greeting, if they don't feel up to enjoying her baby, they can play quietly elsewhere in the house.

I did pull dd aside shortly after they left and told her that it also makes Ms. B. sad about our baby too and she doesn't like to talk about it and that she wasn't trying to be mean or hurt her feelings.

It is hard to get a 3 year old to not just talk about things so plainly with everyone, but she is learning. I told her she can always talk to mommy and daddy or her sisters or other relatives. I think she is getting a better understanding... we lost another baby 8 years ago and our oldest was about the same age and had the same reaction to talk about it and as she got older and could understand better why it makes some people uncomfortable she learned.

And that is why when she came I greeted them like anyone else coming to our home and I held her baby and cuddled with him and then the girls relaxed some and would come and touch him or smile at him and do the cute things they usually do with babies prior to our loss. It was bedtime that was most shocking to me.

I agree that being around babies is much more difficult for me than the kids. But I was taken back by their behavior and reactions yesterday. My 3(almost 4) year old screamed and cried at bedtime. Something she hasn't done since she was a baby.... and just how much she was clingy to me after the baby left. And maybe it had nothing to do with the baby being here, but that was the only new factor in our day or even our week...

And avoiding babies would be difficult.. I just want to do what is best for them.

And I am sorry about your loss.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/07/2011 02:04PM by searching27.

if you should avoid babies with your girls. I tend to think not. They will have to learn to deal with real life associations and how could you really avoid babies (except maybe not hanging out at baby showers or the maternity ward?) A counselor might have some recommendations on this. Maybe a pediatric and/or grief counselor?

My concern is that it sounds like your friend was rather harsh, and that might have upset your girls as much as seeing the baby boy. Not that I'm condemning your friend. You said she is depressed and that doesn't always put people on their best social or coping behaviour.

I think it would be good to tell the girls that your friend was harsh (if she was), perhaps that she was uncomfortable about the discussion, and that she's having a hard time with her own feelings and that might have made her unable to deal with the discussion in a better way. I would emphasize that the girls didn't do anything wrong, just that your friend was uncomfortable/harsh.

I also think the girls should be taught to keep the discussions about the lost baby within the family or with a few sympathetic and understanding friends. Many people are awkward when it comes to discussing death, and don't know HOW to be supportive.

And I think you'd need to do all of this in a positive way, so you aren't telling them to hide their feelings, or that the loss of the baby is a secret or bad . . . but just in a way that they share these things with trusted people who will be understanding and supportive.


BTW, my children lost an uncle years ago, and my 3-year old brought it up constantly for a very long time (probably for at least a year).

I do agree that avoiding would be a bad idea and probably just make it worse and even more difficult on them. Beings that it is already so hard to understand it all.

She is always coming up with ways to "save" the baby, like we told her that he had a sick heart so she thought if we could go get a new heart then maybe that would help. Or, she said if we captured the tooth fairy and stole her wand we could put a baby back in mommys tummy that was healthy and can't get sick because of magic. So she is trying to work it out. We did have the discussion about who to talk to and why. And that it wasn't bad to feel that way and that some people just get really sad and don't know what to say to us and that is ok too.

She is learning. It is a process for all of us.
Thanks for the advice :)

And I did let the girls know that my friend probably just was sad about it and doesn't like to talk about it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/07/2011 02:18PM by searching27.

Do you plan to try again??? If you do, perhaps you can acknowledge the sadness of losing your baby, but focus on the happiness of the possibility of one in the future. If you don't plan to try again, perhaps changing the focus to something happy that you can plan is a good route to go. When their minds are on the trip to Disneyland or seeing Grandma or the camping trip, their focus will shift. I know it will be hard, but I would also suggest that you fake being happy until you are. Perhaps some counseling would help.

We have decided not to try again. First, because this is the second time we have lost a baby boy and we just can't take the pain of possibly losing another(boy or girl) and going through another pregnancy not knowing. Second, because we are in a good place with our family and we are happy and the girls are getting older now and we are ok with not trying again. We do feel complete. The pregnancy was a shocker and the loss was an even bigger shock, because we had adjusted to accepting having another baby. So it has been a roller coaster I do not want to ride again. And third, I am in school and working towards a career I want to do and help others. And I had my tubes tied and another procedure in six months that will make it impossible for me to become pregnant again.

As long as they know it's safe and OK to talk to you, they will be able to deal with what has happened.
You're going to come into contact with baby boys, most likely, so it would be helpful if you talk to them about how they would deal with that.
I think I would probably not invite anyone over that has a baby boy right now. I'd give it more time.
This is the time to be appreciative of each other and what you all have as a family.

Thanks Susie :) I am not going to avoid babies at all costs, but I think I will give it a bit longer before we actively seek out being around babies. I remember the first week after we had to deliver my husband and I went to the commissary (grocery store to all non military people out there ;) ) and it was difficult seeing brand new babies and I had to get out of there quickly. But now I am ok. Slowly but surely we will make it through :)

Sounds like you are a great mom. I agree with the above poster that kids are pretty resilient. Just be open and attentive like you are doing. My best to you and your family.

Thanks tiptoes, I don't know about "great" mom :) But I am doing the best I can. My main focus besides myself is my husband and the girls.

This week has been difficult for my husband, he made a beeline for the door when they showed up on our doorstep and left, plus we learned this week a good friend of his was killed in Afghanistan so that was also a rough hit for him.