I have a mormon convert friend (I'm a nevermo) and I swear if anything bad ever happens to me and I tell her about it, she automatically starts listing off all the "good things" about my situations to the point that it is annoying and ridiculous. I feel like I could tell her my cat got run over and she would point out that I will save money by not having to buy cat food any more.

This is particularly annoying now that I have a bad work situation and am trying to find a new job. What I need is support, not someone telling me how great the job I have (and hate) is.

I just wondered if this was a mormon thing.

She also always agrees with whoever is in charge, even if she knows nothing of them. Once, I had a boss say some very mean things to me that were out of line and when I told her about it she pretty much acted like he must have his reasons and that I deserved it, when a normal friend would have at least cared that someone was being a jerk to me.

I think I need a new friend, before I punch this one in the face.

which soothes the anxiety of having to think for oneself. In your friend's mind the authority figure is never wrong--or they wouldn't BE the authority figure. Go figure!

It's reflected in the hymns too, namelt 'Count your many blessings' or whatever its called.

They always say things like "You don't have to look far to find someone else worse off than you". Or if you've made a wrong descision "I told you that'd happen".

Get a new friend if she's pissing you off. people with cold counsel are rarely of any use when it comes to genuine moral support.

LDS and non LDS -- it's a personality trait, I think, that see's both sides, and always seems to be fighting negativity. They see it as cheering you up! :-)

I have found that something I heard years ago in a class is very true: we have friends in spots.

I have friends/relationships that I email, mostly, some I talk to on the phone, some I have lunch with, some I go shopping with, but they are not all the same ones.

Not every friend can be everything we need.
If I know someone is not a big emotional supporter, I don't share emotional things, for instance.

I've learned to stop attaching an emotional bond to an expectation about how someone is going to behave or act.
I'm the one that is always disappointed or unhappy.

If you want support and understanding, this may not be the person to talk to.

That is, thinking this is just one part of my life (anything unpleasent) that I can't share with her. It is just hard because she is otherwise a great friend. I've never had a friend that I was this close to whom I have to censor myself with in this way.

Though I do think this is a personality thing and not isolated to Mormonism alone, I do think people like her make good converts and are easily folded into the bunch of them.

our expectations of a particular friend don't match up to their attitudes and behavior. Can you enjoy everything else about this friend?

You can consider this a test of sorts, perhaps -- now you know what this friend can give in return and what she can't give.

I have friends that I would not even consider sharing certain things in my life, and others that I can be very frank with and is because it's a two way street.

I don't know if that personality type makes a better religious person or not. I don't think that matters. It's just the way they think, how they prefer to see the world and relate to it. It would probably show up in the Myers Briggs Type Indicator tests though! :-)

After all the "gospel" is perfect, so SHE must be the problem.

She is trying to make the "gospel" workable by rationalizing away the fact that life is pain. Gawd's plan is for happiness! Also, a lot of members feel that any "bad" feeling is negative, and "contentious". I had a friend that would shut down any rational conversation of TSCC by saying she was not feeling the spirit. She was so uncomfortable when confronted with truth that contradicted LD$ propaganda that she interpreted normal responses to learning of deception as the "spirit" leaving. This was when I was TBM. Their facade has a high degree of maintenance.

Members believe "trials" (bad or tragic life events) are there for their own good. This gives them a distorted view of justice, and coping.

Members really believe if they do everything right "all things" will work for their good:

[D&C 90:24]: “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly.”

http://lds.org/ensign/2004/05/all-things-shall-work-together-for-your-good?lang=eng

When things are not good, they will resort to deluding themselves.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2011 06:03PM by atheist&happy:-).

Mormons do that. They did that with my daughter for 6 yrs. before she converted. She was so "special". They were giving her compliments all the time...how pretty she was, what cool clothes she wore, her hair is just so cute....and on and on. I knew what was up. I told her so. She seemed to like all that nonsense. She had plenty of compliments from family but these peers did a number on her. They are after you for sure.Beware.

I think you are being harsh on someone who sounds like they are trying to be supportive of you and help you see things in a positive way.

IMHO she sounds like a decent friend from what you've posted.

It isn't that it is necessarily a bad thing to try to be possitive when bad things happen. But it is to an extreme that makes it seem like she doesn't care about me very much. Like there is no acknowledgement that the thing that happened is bad. Like I can't be justified in having a negetive feeling for any amount of time about a negetive experience. Like you have to happy at all times regardless of the situation.

But I can't say it is a good thing to always agree blindly with someone in charge just because they are in charge, especially if you don't even know them. That bit her in the butt, though. She purposely chose to work with that person after I told her about my experience and he pretty much destroyed 4 years of work for her. And when she told me, I didn't say nothing or act as though he must be right. I didn't say "well I told you how he is." No, I said "that really sucks and you don't deserve to be treated that way." You know, like a real friend that cares about you would.

Yep, I understand what you are saying.

Sometimes you want someone to just say 'that's a bugger' and take you for a beer.

It just came across that the sentiments seemed good.

It is not. In fact it can be incredibly insensitive, rude and even very hurtful.

IF they are always looking for the good, then they are just reacting out of habit, not responding out of any real understanding, empathy or respect.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2011 07:55AM by MJ.

I find that people that live by a list of rules, as I firmly believe Mormons do, tend to give an automatic reaction based on the rules. So, yes, I think it is more prevalent in Mormons, but not at all limited to them.

The rule this girl is using is "If something bad happens, look for the good". It can be a valid way to look at some situations. "I burned dinner, well that gives me an excuse to try out that new restaurant!". IT has its limits and can get old quick. For emotional stuff, it should be used with care. A valid way to use this rule for emotional stuff "Sorry to hear your house destroyed by that tornado, but it is really good to hear everyone in your family is alive and unharmed". The wrong way to use such a response, "Gee, sorry to hear you lost your family in that tornado, but it is really good to hear that the house wasn't damaged!"

Another Mormon rule is, "as a last resort when talking to people that are critical of TSCC, bear your testimony"

Oh and that agreeing with the person in charge, the rule is basically "When the person in charge speaks, the thinking is done".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2011 07:55AM by MJ.

Just a thought! ;o))

;o))

It felt like she was never on my side, and it could be very aggravating. Always siding with authority, not really listening to the details of a complex situation, etc. I don't think all Mormons are authoritarians, but many of them are. Mormonism rewards authoritarian thinkers.

Ouch, this really hurts ... that's what I do. I've read through the thread and what atheist&happy wrote just hit me. It is the brain doing mental gymnastics, trying to fit everything in the same mold.

OK, I'm retrieving now to my hole. I gotta do some thinking on this one. Dang.

I had a similar experience with mormons involved in hospice care for the elderly.

These were not friends, of course, but acquaintances. They were also being paid well. This did not stop them from feeling free to chastise me face-to-face, nor did it stop them from calling me repeatedly on the phone to tell me how I should feel about my mother taking the long, difficult road to death.

They were constantly telling me how much of a "blessing" it was.

Demands for an unrealistic attitude were coupled with demands for more of my time, time which I was not in a position to give. (I gave two-plus years of my life, and nearly lost my house as a result. I did lose a job.) The mormon hospice workers made the situation worse, not better.

To add insult to insult, they took their duties too lightly, doing as little as possible, and checking off boxes on their care list as if doing the paperwork was a substitute for real action.

Yes! Every last fuckin' one of 'em. Dump 'em all.

Ron

My TBM close friend does tend to automatically respect any authority figure (especially with a penis!), but I can't say that she's not empathetic if I complain about difficulties, nor is she overly-optimistic or positive. I'd find it very annoying if she were a Pollyanna, Mormon or not.