Posted by:
Gay Philosopher
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Date: July 17, 2011 11:54AM
Hi Lonely,
Feeling lonely is destructive, so I'm glad that you posted. It's one way to connect with others, even if we're not there in person. I have a few suggestions.
First, as weird as this will sound, learn something about loneliness--its causes and consequences. I suggest getting this book:
Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection
John T. Cacioppo, William Patrick
Some people need to be around others, whereas other people are perfectly happy to be alone, and yet they're not lonely. It's the feeling of loneliness that's highly toxic, so it's important, I think, to understand the mechanisms behind loneliness and how they work so that you can act to prevent yourself from being harmed.
Let me give you a quick rundown of my own life as an introvert who generally doesn't feel lonely. I own a company, which (in a massive irony, because company CEO's are usually extraverted) finds me surrounded by people--both face-to-face and online. I also go to school. This surrounds me with people that I have to work with nearly all the time. Most of the time I wish that I could get away from them and be alone. :) And when I'm not doing work for my company or for school, I have a bunch of friends to hang out with, although I rarely find that terribly satisfying because you can't "do" philosophy in groups, generally, and that's where my mind is much of the time.
But before you think that I don't even know what loneliness feels like, I promise that I do. I, too, moved away to a brand new town far away from family and friends for a job. I had an amazing apartment, and it was a highly desirable city to live in, but I didn't know anyone, and the last place that I wanted to be was in my apartment to feel the full brunt of loneliness that hung over me all the time when I wasn't working. Nothing accentuates the pain of loneliness more than when you're physically alone, I think.
In the two years that I was there, I made friends at work, but all of them were older than me and they were working professionals. I was always the young fellow who didn't feel like he fit in anywhere. Being gay didn't help, not that anyone would have guessed it, but internally, I knew that I wouldn't be looking for girls to date. If I had had that option, I think life would have been a lot less lonely and a lot more interesting. But because that wasn't a viable route, I wound up spending most of my time working, spending very little time in my apartment, and generally hanging out (alone, but not lonely) in bookstores. It was enough for me to be around other people without having to put on a social performance. The pain came back as soon as I found myself back in my apartment.
It was worst during the weekends. Suddenly, I had two and a half full days to myself, with nothing to do. Yes, I could go to various bookstores (something that I really love doing), or walk around the (very, very large, and equally liberal) university that was 20 minutes away from my apartment, but I didn't feel completely part of that world. I wasn't a student there.
What I noticed--and this has subsequently been confirmed by some very smart people I know who have felt lonely themselves--is that we tend to meet and make friends among those with whom we have the most frequent contact. For most people, this means work. For others, it means school. There's a reason that people say that happiness is found in love and work. That's where the people that are part of our lives are!
I think that if you wait for a while, you'll become friends with people at work. Whether or not that'll be satisfying depends on a lot of things that you can't predict, but it's a start. I understand the temptation to go to the church to have someone to talk to, but even if you do that, you'd still need time to get to know others. Sure, the process could be fun, but there's a significant downside. Unless you enjoy being part of the Mormon culture, it won't work.
But there are other options. What do you like doing? Would you feel comfortable attending a UU church just once, on your own? How about researching what clubs there are in your town? I've been a member of tennis and chess clubs in the past, and I'll do so again when I can find the time. The way to meet people is through frequent exposure, so any organization that enables you to frequently see people whom you'd like to be friends with could be your catalyst.
The challenge with this is that even if you're successful in meeting a best friend, that would just be one person. Yes, they could lead you to others, but I think what you really need is a support network, which is broader than just a single friend, or a collection of one-on-one friendships. You want to feel comfortable, valued, and confident within a community that not only accepts, but embraces and welcomes you. That's the intuitive appeal that the Mormon Church has, isn't it? You understand it. It's comfortable. You know the culture. You know what to expect. It feels safe. It can meet your very real needs. And at this point, you're hurting enough to risk it, despite the downside.
There is no right or wrong answer, and there are lots of strategies to try. It's perfectly fine to go to the ward. In fact, it might not be a bad idea. It may help, and you can stop going whenever you like. (Just be sure that you can say, "No.") You could also date. Look for people on match.com or any number of other sites. Just be careful.
Maybe...maybe the answer is to find a community that you can fit into and thrive in first, and then find friends within it. Right now, you're both alone and lonely. Once you're no longer alone, the probability of being lonely will hopefully be greatly reduced.
You need to build a support structure around yourself, and this will take time. Depending on how much you're hurting, the Church could offer a temporary reprieve, and wouldn't necessarily be a terrible option, so long as you went into it with your eyes wide open and didn't kid yourself about the downside. But there are many other options, and I hope that I've hit on some of them.
There isn't a single, magical bullet. Maybe it'll turn out that your job isn't what you need it to be, and that the town you're in isn't the right place for you. Give it a chance first. Seriously, reading the book that I mentioned will help you to understand what's causing and reinforcing your loneliness, so that you can create a plan to get you to a better future.
I know that that sounds awfully cerebral, especially when we see others around us who seem as if they could be parachuted into a random town at noon and have a dozen friends by dusk. But we have to start with knowledge about ourselves. we're introverts. Life works differently for us, through no fault of our own. We have to work with how we've been wired.
When you're lonely, it clouds and distorts all areas of life, a lot like depression. You can't escape yourself. And since you can't really change yourself, either, the trick is to find a nurturing environment. Temporarily, it could be a Mormon ward. Or a UU church. Or clubs. Or the people that you meet at work. Ultimately, it's going to need to be a community.
Lonely, where do you fit in?
Steve