10. Collect as many secret temple names from hot ladies as possible...

9. After you croak, tell the guy at the gate you're a friend of J. Golden Kimball

7. Wake up and shake it off the way you would any other bad dream...

6. Come the Resurrection, glance down at where your genitals used to be, acknowledge the feeling, and remember all the trouble the damn things caused you in the first place.

5. Blame it all on Steve Benson...

4. Blame it all on Boyd K. Packer.

3. Bring up the subject of Hitler's temple work to the gatekeeper...

2. Spill the beans on all the family secrets and claim you didn't want to spend forever with most of those d-bags anyway...

1. Start an MLM coffee operation in Outer Darkness


And a Happy Pioneer Day--er day after to all my fellow Exmo's...

SLC

"Collect as many secret temple names from hot ladies as possible..."

rofl man, that made me chuckle.

I'm curious about this, actually. So say every single chick that got endowed one day was secret temple named Ruth. When you get up to the pearly gates and yell for your wife Ruth, how confusing is it for all those other Ruths whose husbands aren't calling them forth from their graves?

I don't care if here name IS Ruth. I'm still gonna yell "Bambi!" just to see what happens. :) BTW, oddly enough, that IS my ex's temple name. LOL Ruth and Phillip.

Ron

No, wait. Her name is Rose not Ruth. Shit, I'm getting old.

Not the ones at the titty bars. ;)

Ron

I'm blaming it all on women and intellectuals, myself.

And I mean that in an entirely good way. NR is definitely one of the Lady Valkyries of this board, and she actually shared her temple name with several of us...

My processes sometimes go really slow, like the one about the missing private parts... An old 12-Step guru friend of mine used to joke about that one to romantically traumatized sorts... Saved many a life, perhaps including mine...

where's #8?

I know, I know, but stuff like that bugs me.

8. Half of all proceeds from the liquidation of the church will go to Mrs. Hela.

Just sayin'...

Ron

What, you don't believe that one? No wonder you're an ex-Mormon...

My bad, in a hurry... How about this one?

8. No number eight. Cyber-Danites are monitoring this writer's computer...

Top 10 things I would say:

I would quickly deny that I resigned. I'd tell St. Peter (oops, Elder Peter) that I don't know that I did that. No one saw my resignation with their "spiritual eyes" in a vision--which is the truest way of witnessing things, is it not?

I would look down at where my genitals used to be, and say, "I'm finally equal to all of you men!"

Aw, shucks, does this mean I'm not worthy to be one of the three wives of my ex who beat me?

If this is "outer darkness" why are there sunny beaches and neon lights? Am I in Miami?

I hear loud laughter!

So, I'm forbidden to visit that area up there, behind the barbed wire, where slaves are building that ugly temple, where solemn people in white robes are keeping records and having meetings...bummer.

All those candy machines, and me with no coins! I am in Hell!

I'll be living the life of a decent nonmember and shooting for the Terrestrial Kingdom along with Ghandi and Mother Theresa, assuming they don't accept what is the most unlikely truth in the history of time.