Years ago I had a blog called "Joseph's Left One" wherein I mostly complained about the LDS church. But I had a change of heart, and I thought the best thing I could do was help people who were going through the exit process (I prefer "apostasy," but you know what I mean) avoid some of the mistakes I had made.

I nearly lost my marriage (twice), and I ended up attempting suicide and spending some quality time in a psychiatric hospital, so I'm well-qualified to discuss what not to do when leaving the church.

I see people going through the same struggles, facing the same decisions, and making the same mistakes I made. So, without rehashing my entire past, here are some things I learned that to me made a difference in salvaging my relationships:

1. Do not make the church and/or your leaving it the focus of your relationship. Every LDS marriage has three entities involved: husband, wife, and the church (Mormons would say it's God, but it's really the church). We were taught that the gospel/church was the center of our lives, and the focus of our marriages. But marriage is about love, commitment, companionship, intimacy, and a whole lot of other things that are not dependent on the church.

Obviously, the church is going to be a point of contention, but I am convinced that if you put effort into the other areas of your marriage instead of always coming back to your apostasy, you'll be all right. If you have a good relationship, strengthen and build it. If you don't have a good relationship, then you have to decide if it's worth building. But when you put effort into church issues instead of your relationship, you're toast.

2. Don't try to convince your loved ones you're right about the church. They've been taught not to listen, and instead to fight back, if you say anything negative or non-faith-promoting about the church. You cannot make people see what you see.

I think the first thing people feel after they figure out Mormonism is that they want other people, particularly their loved ones, to figure it out, too. But we figured it out because we were ready. Trying to get someone to listen when they aren't ready is pointless.

We want people to respect our beliefs, and we need to return that respect, no matter how difficult that is. I am not endorsing the constant refrain from church members that we keep our mouths shut about what we know. But I've found it's better to answer honestly when people ask, rather than actively pushing my beliefs on others.

3. Don't feel obligated to explain yourself to anyone. You'll get visits from hometeachers and bishops and ward members, emails, "love bombs," attacks, and all kinds of attempts to get you to change the error of your ways. Just remember that you get to choose who you respond to and how you respond. Just because the bishop wants to see you, it doesn't mean you have to meet with him. When some confrontational person accosts you with hostile questions, you don't have to answer.

4. Live the life you want. A lot of Ex-Mormons feel like they have to go out and experience life (sometimes by breaking a lot of commandments) to compensate for the years of self-repression in Mormonism. Others of us, myself included, were so determined to not be the stereotypical "apostate" that we felt we always had to be on our best behavior.

But that's the wrong approach. Live the life you want, not the one that is governed by how you are perceived by others. The choice isn't between the Mormon template and its opposite; you have to dig deep down to figure out what you believe, what you want, who you are. And that shouldn't have anything to do with how Mormons see you.

5. Don't be afraid of your emotions. In Mormonism, anger and contention are of the devil, so we learned to hide our feelings (except of course the positive ones). When you leave the church, it's natural to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. I certainly felt that way, probably for about 2 years. When I started posting on RfM, I almost always ended each post with "stupid fucking cult." I feel a little embarrassed about that, but it was an honest expression of what I was feeling at the time.

It's OK to be angry and express that anger. But be careful not to take it out on people, especially your loved ones. The anger will fade, eventually (if not, you probably have other issues), but if the anger has been directed at your loved ones, that will cause lasting damage.

One of the things I love about RfM is that, despite what some apologists say, it's not a cesspool of bitterness. It's a great place for dealing with the emotions that come out of leaving the church. Almost without exception, people express their feelings and then move on. That's as it should be.

That's probably enough for now.

Thank you so much for sharing this, Runtu. As someone who recently resigned, and who still has three children, (two of them minors) who are still members and want to remain as such.......I walk a very fine line sometimes. My ex and I divorced long before TSCC itself became an issue for me, but its toxic effects played a part in undermining and destroying a relationship that was already entered into for all the wrong reasons.
I try to take it one day at a time, and posts like this, from those who have already been there, are invaluable for people like me who continue to have to deal with it for the sake of family members, on a regular basis.
Again, thanks Runtu, I appreciate it!

Agree - there isn't really an easy way to leave, but there are lots of ways to make it worse. I chose plenty of the "what-not-to-do's." The difficulty leaving is probably proportional to the years invested and the immediate family size, though, at the end of the day, it's all individualized.

After the initial dust settles, this part of what you said has been the the hardest for me "...you have to dig deep down to figure out what you believe, what you want, who you are." Would love to know how to do that!

In the beginning, your soul longs to be understood. So you try to explain to "loved ones," co-workers, random people at a bar - but it is mostly a frustrating experience rather than healing. That is where I think this board literally becomes a life-line for people. Being able to receive true empathy here can keep your crushed soul from disappearing into nothing. I don't remember when, but at some point I decided I was not going to try and explain myself to Mormons anymore - and it helped remove a lot of pain and anger I was subjecting myself to.

I've also learned the meaning of "wherever you go, there you are." It can be pretty scary to see who you are, or are not, after all of the layers of b.s. are stripped away. It's also empowering. There is a level of emotional depth that this experience leaves you with that makes your more human, more understanding, a better listener, etc.

Great post Runtu. Thanks for that. I've made some of the same mistakes to different degrees. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm making much progress in my adjustment out of mormonism. Then I sit back and remember how I started with doubts, still attending, then quit going entirely and spent my time at NOM for 6 months until i outgrew it and am now here. I'm hoping to get to the point where mormonism doesn't affect me but it is really hard to imagine at this point that will ever happen. 45 years as a zelous follower makes it hard to find a new normal.

I think we need to remember to cut ourselves a break and allow the process the time it needs.

You hit on much of the core in how I handled my own personal.
process.

I have learned over and over again that our friends and loved ones are more important and more interesting than just their religious views. And so what if we don't agree? I am capable of making religion a non-issue.

My focus has been to keep and build relationships, not damage them because of what I do and say. I have been determined to keep everything I have invested in also: my home, marriage, family, friends, etc.

Life as a member of the LDS Church is part of who I am, part of my life, and part of my family. It was, like all of life: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

As a convert, I had a unique experience learning to adapt as an adopted member of my new tribe, which is exactly how it was explained to me.

Changing my mind about accepting and believing the claims by faith and leaving the LDS Church was not that difficult for me, probably being a convert contributed to the ease at which I made the change. It was probably more difficult for some of the people in my life.

There was some angst and frustration, and confusion, initially, but it was soon replaced by the changes I made in my thinking, and how I lived my life and the activities I got involved in that replaced all of the organized activities the LDS church designs for it's members.

I relied on ideas that helped me change my thinking as I was changing my world.
I also relied on some positive thinking skills Here is one of them:
It's Only A Thought, and A Thought Can Be changed: I am not limited by any past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world. I am willing to change and grow.
Power Thoughts by Louise Hay

And this one:
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
Buddha



I refused to engage in negative thinking such as regrets, and guilt and shame, rage and extreme anger, vulgarity, pejoratives, name calling, etc. as those are self sabotaging and shut down all paths to joy and happiness. I know how I want to be treated and I am not going to beat myself up or allow anyone else to do that to me either.

One of the more important elements of leaving the LDS Church was to not take anything personally, to understand what I experienced and how I knew how Mormonism worked. I found that the little book: The Four Agreements helped me a lot.

The Second Agreement
Don't Take Anything Personally
Become immune to poison
The whole world can gossip about you,and if you don't take it personally, you are immune. Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of the Second Agreement
From: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

I also learned to develop some skeptic skills and recognize bias and agenda, logic fallacies, etc., more easily when analyzing that Big Wide World of Ideas!

Then to make the path more fun and enjoyable, I endeavor to employ the greatest medicine in the world: Laughter

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Mark Twain



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2011 02:01PM by SusieQ#1.

A helpful and interesting post Runtu. I have a question. You wrote, "When I started posting on RfM, I almost always ended each post with 'stupid fucking cult.' I feel a little embarrassed about that, but it was an honest expression of what I was feeling at the time."

Why do you feel embarrassed about calling the church relatively accurate names, even if laced with profanity?

Is the embarrassment over the extent of your anger and frustration being so palpable that you found yourself, understandably, driven to nearly inarticulate rage, needing to use profanity ("fucking") and unconstructive epithets ("stupid")?