After a long hiatus from my kids due to recovery from my accident, I'm visiting for an extended weekend (Friday-Monday). Often I stay with TBM family in UT, usually my mom's place. But she called to let me know that I "will not speak ill of the church" to my kids. Not only does it upset her, but she said it was harmful to my kids. She hovers while I am there and tries to correct me whenever I challenge anything that is LDS--doctrinal, corporate or cultural.

In other words, I have no freedom of expressing my beliefs while there.

I've decided that instead of fighting it, I am going to try to stay elsewhere. There are often deals at the ski resort condos during the summer.

So, can some in the forum help me find deals along the wasatch front on a weekend condo for four kids and me?

I'll be searchng too, but some of you have inside info. Thanks!

JS

I'm sorry your mom is like that, but I think you're smart not to stay with her. They are your kids and she has no right to undermine you in front of them. Good for you for sticking to your principles.

They have some really nice condos for rent in the off season, 800-245-6417l. Luxury units run 125-150 per night, but they might have some cheaper ones. And they usually throw in some freebies with that (dinner certificates or gift baskets).

I might add that there are tons of fun things to do there . . . hiking, bike trails, art galleries, street festivals on Sundays, see Olympic venues, Alpine slide, etc.

Staying elsewhere will not solve the problem.

Your mum is still treating you as a child, she is controlling what you say to your kids and you a letting her.

Not easy but, grow a backbone and stand up for yourself.

Stumbling, I've given my mom boundaries before, and explained to her that if she persists on dictating what I may do or not do with my own children, that I will forgo visiting with her when I have her grandchildren. She persists in this behavior and so I am on the road to do what I said I would--go elsewhere and leave her high and dry. It's exactly a backbone I am giving her. The assbone as it leaves her behind.

I have a friend who quit the church, and he's insufferable. He's getting a kick out of annoying everyone who is still active. He swears constantly. He brings R rated videos to family gatherings. He badmouths the church every chance he gets.

Sorry. There's no need for you to be talking about the church when you are at your mother's house. And if she insists on talking to them about it, just remind your children that she is a mormon and that's the way she believes.

They aren't going to be influenced by her any more than they would by some Jehovah's Witness coming to the door.

And, yes, talk to them quietly later.

My take is that I wouldn't make any negative remarks about the church while in your mom's presence, out of respect to her beliefs. Maybe the most I might say is, "your grandmother and I disagree about that, but we'll discuss it later in private." Of course, whenever you are alone with the kids, either at the condo or while driving around, say whatever you like. I would train them to not openly challenge their grandmother, though. Maybe the teens could say if they wished, "I'm sorry, Grandma, but I believe differently." She can control their activities while they are with her, but she can't control their minds.

I like the thought of acknowledging that you have differing opinions about the church and allow your children to know that not everyone thinks alike. Encourage critical thought in them and allow them to form their own opinions, most will see through teh farce that is the church. If you encourage them to ask tough questions and discuss differences civilly, it will give them a valuable tool that will serve them all their lives.
As for your mother forbiding you to speak to your own children negativly about the church, I would quietly inform her that they are your children not hers, and her continued relationship with them is at your discression not hers. So you may set up the boundries about what she can say to them about the church, but she has no right to dictate to you how you may speak to your children.

buckhntr Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I like the thought of acknowledging that you have
> differing opinions about the church and allow your
> children to know that not everyone thinks alike.
> Encourage critical thought in them and allow them
> to form their own opinions, most will see through
> teh farce that is the church. If you encourage
> them to ask tough questions and discuss
> differences civilly, it will give them a valuable
> tool that will serve them all their lives.
> As for your mother forbiding you to speak to your
> own children negativly about the church, I would
> quietly inform her that they are your children not
> hers, and her continued relationship with them is
> at your discression not hers. So you may set up
> the boundries about what she can say to them about
> the church, but she has no right to dictate to you
> how you may speak to your children.

This right here. Set boundaries. You are your children's parent. You get to tell them whatever you want.

we need more info please!!

that will help...........orem, salt lake or logan?

for $86 thats with tax tag and title!! :)

while you are there. I rarely talk about it to anyone.
I like Summer's advice, let the kids know you don't agree with g/ma but, hey, life is like that: people don't agree. So what.

Sounds to me like the best thing to do while in her home, is to keep your mouth shut about the LDS Church. It's her home, respect her wishes. People have boundaries in their home.
Be grateful and appreciative and make sure she knows it.

OK, that's my advice! Take it or leave it. The price is right!

All of this advice to cave in to Mom's pressure is kind of rude, in my opinion.

were disrespectful of your mother's boundaries about making negative (snide, rude, denigrating, name calling, pejoratives, etc.) comments about the LDS Church. What would be the result?

How would it impact your relationship with your mother? Would she be angry, disgusted with you, lecture you? Or give you the silent treatment?
Would she continue to allow you to stay in her home when you needed it? Would she feel rejected and betrayed?

I am of the opinion that when we hold negative, hateful, angry, emotions about the Mormon church and it's members (or any other topic), including our loved ones, and friends, when we are around them, they can sense it, immediately. They know it, feel it, and most likely feel rejected, and betrayed.

I'm a supporter of congenial relationships. Generally, we need and want our family and friends, at least some of them. And they need and want us.

It's an awakening to find out there are no fantasy parents, siblings, spouses, children! :-) We get what we get! Often when they are gone, we realize what we were missing by rejecting them, and being rude and negative and hateful toward others.
Personally, I am of the opinion, also, that holding onto anger, rage, hate, and any other kind of negative emotion is harmful -- to us! It's self sabotage. All we need to do is to be kind to one another and stop trying to change them and make them fit what we want. We get people: As-Is. Just like we are!

He asked for people to give him leads to inexpensive places to stay instead of his mother's home. Where is the disrespect in that? What is your issue and why do you have such a driving need to push him to conform to his mother's demands? He came up with a very valid and completely respectful alternative -- which was to stay somewhere other than his mother's home.

Seriously, I don't get this obsession of yours.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2011 11:55AM by Rebeckah.

And I don't get it either, Rebeckah.

Wow, I totally disagree with a lot of these posts.

Who is this child's parent - you or your mother? If it is you, then you should not allow her to control what is said to your children. In fact, YOU should be forbidding HER to speak WELL of the evil institution of TSCC while your kids are in her presence. It is wrong to lie to children. You're the parent here, and you have a right to control the upbringing of your kids, much more so than your mother does.

Which is entirely appropriate of him, I think.

So he came up with an alternative -- to stay elsewhere. Mom gets to have her rules and he gets to interact with his children how he chooses without interference. Seems perfectly resonable to me. I just wish I could make a helpful suggestion as to where he could stay.

By the way, hope you're all mended from the accident Jesus Smith. :)

No matter who's house it is.

An appropriate way for the mother to handle this would be to say "I don't want you speaking ill of the church while you are in my house". It would then be a ground rule that applies to a particular behavior that is not tied directly or exclusively to parenting.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2011 04:40PM by MJ.

Listen to him. He did not ask for relationship advice. Some of us might think he's making a mistake as far as setting a template for the future, but HE DID NOT ASK US.

Everybody has the right to make their own choices. He just wanted help finding a place to stay.

Welcome back, jesus, and hope you are feeling much better!


Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2011 01:37PM by anagrammy.

It is her house, it is a big issue for her, fine. But that sure doesn't mean it has to control your behavior with YOUR kids. Hell, I wouldn't want the bother. Your time with the kids is limited, make the most of it :). Go where you want, do what you want and not have to worry about Grandma getting her undies in a bunch. Her loss. She can sit home alone.

She has no right to tell him he can or cannot say ANYTHING to his kids. He can say what he wants, when he wants, about what he wants, because it's not her business how his children are raised or how they believe. She can either suck it up and deal, or not see her grandchildren.

Definitely DON'T stay with her....who is she to tell you how to talk to your own kids. If I had a guest in my house they could talk to their kids anyway they wanted without abuse of course, and without physical injury to people and things in my home.... that is their right. I have no say over their kids!!!! She is being a pest and you need to get away from her.(hovering over you like a newborn baby)

alee allee in come free!!

I like your idea to find another place. If this were me, If she asks I would explain that I am not staying with her so that I can respect her rules in her house. I would ask her to respect my rules as a parent and then set clear rules on religious expectations with your kids.
This can be done nicely without a fight from you. I have done it before with my Mother and it has generally worked well with very few problems.
You may find that this is a good opportunity to bring up the conversation about boundaries with her. In my family I don't bring it up but if they do they have opened the door and the subject is open for discussion.

Who is taking care of the kids now? Who has legal guardianship? Are the kids traveling with you to see your mother?

I know you don't want a fight, but if you are still the legal guardian and you are again taking care of the kids, then it is your responsibility to raise the kids as you see fit. It might be a good idea to set a boundary with your mother and tell her that it is your responsibility to raise the kids as you see fit and that if she can not respect that, there will likely be less visits.

He is going to see his kids that live with their mother close by his mother

Then his mother has no rights in dictating what is taught to the kids.

Yes, the mother can say "I don't want you talking ill about the church in my house" and that would be appropriate. Beyond that, she has no business dictating what is said to the kids.

Healthy families learn to respect deeply held beliefs by all members. This means it goes both ways. When it comes to your children you should be free to teach them whatever you believe is right. Your extended family should respect your rights as a parent and let you discuss whatever you want with them. If they don't like it they can go to another room, or if they are pricks, they can ask all of you to leave their house.

Their choice. And yours also. Enjoying each others company requires accomodations. It does in every human relationship.

I think your solution to find another place to stay is a good option.

If your mother is going to be that difficult about allowing varying opinions about faith in her home to the point that she's undermining your parental rights and stifling your interaction with your kids, removing yourself - and the kids - from the situation is the right way to go.

Enjoy time with your kids in an environment that's comfortable for all. Arrange a time to spend a supper with grandma, but limit the interaction.

The less tension for your visit, the better.

I'm sorry I don't know the area well enough to recommend sites - but I think the "vacation with dad" idea is a great one. :)

The kids live with my ex wife (a provo TBM), though we share joint custody. A job layoff couple years back forced me to move and live states apart. When I visit them back in UT, I often stay with my mother/family because they would also like to see my kids.

I would like to respect my mom, and could respect a mutual moratorium on religion in her presence. But in the past, she has made it a point to proselytize all things LDS to my kids when I am there, and further, has on few occasions said demeaning things about my new lifestyle (as an ex-mo) to my kids. Such as, "I hope you kids won't follow your dad's example and will attend church." On those times, I have quietly taken her aside and explained that I won't stand for her disparaging me to the kids.

She doesn't do it overtly, but when I am not around, I've gotten wind of it happening. For this, and her demands that I never (even when not at her house) speak ill of the church, I've decided to quietly avoid her. When she asks why, I will let her know that I am respecting her rules and still abiding by my own parenting wishes to teach the kids facts. This is best for all. She will just have to do without visits for now.

Although given what you've said of her, I'd expect much hurt feelings and wobbly-lipped insistence that she'd NEVER do such a thing to you and you must have misunderstood her. :)

Sometimes the actual resort has something that they aren't mentioning on their website.

If you call and ax the manager, you can sometimes get a better deal.

I'd find the places that I think are cool, and then call them directly and ax for a manager.

Doesn't always happen, but if you can't find a better deal on expedia/other sites, then it is worth a phone call.

;)