Been many moons since I last posted.

I'm getting re-married to a woman who grew up LDS and has a smokin hot body that never has been subjected to the cult underwear. She and I see eye to eye on TSCC although my kids (3 teens) are TBMs just like their mother, my ultra-TBM-ex-wife.

Very quick overview of my history:
-TBM who went to BYU, served a mission, married in the temple, found out 4 years ago the truth about TSCC, told aforementioned wife who then 8 months later decided to divorce me rather than staying with an apostate husband.

Fast forward to today. I received the following email from ex-wife regarding our children and their visit schedule, my wedding and the ward temple night:

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"We have plans to be at the temple at 6:30pm on the 12th. We are planning to attend a ward family temple night at 6:30pm on Friday the 12th that includes baptisms for the dead for the kids. We have had this scheduled since January. I hope that your wedding is before that, or the children will have to miss it. They have told me that they aren't excited about the wedding and don't want to be there.

Please let me know when it will be.

If (my fiance, name removed) does drop by, I will let her know my honest opinion of you and your upcoming wedding."

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Yes, you read it right. An effing ward temple night is more important than my wedding for my children to attend. There is far more to this story and my TBM children, while they seem to be accepting of my fiance and her children (we have done things together at least weekly for several months), are not real thrilled that dear dad no longer believes in the cult.

My dear fiance is so understanding and sensitive and loving to me. She took the initiative the other night to talk to my ex-wife (they hadn't met yet...another long story) and my ex-wife did give her honest opinion of me and my apostate ways and trashed me in many other ways. Dear Fiance wasn't phased and was very cordial.

I feel sad for TBMs. I was one for nearly 40 years. I'm working on getting my children to see the light and sweet refreshment that comes from having the truth of TSCC exposed.

If my TBM wife ever divorced me, I could actually see her using similar words. Almost like there are a couple wires somewhere in her brain that are not quite connected properly. Any normal human being would think the statement about temple night, plus the thing about talking to your fiance. Both totaly inappropriate.

to say that your children have made their decision: the cult is more important than dad, and that this was influenced by a Hindenberg of your ex. They don't show? Their loss. I wouldn't even set out place cards for them. Either that or call the kids (if you're able to) and ask them, "What's more important, church or family?" If they say "church," you have your answer. If they say "family," say "THEN PROVE IT!"

A little more background...

Kids are with me 50% of the time and I do go to sacrament meeting with them at their mothers' ward on the sundays I have them although that will likely stop as I can't take it anymore and my kids seem to actually prefer I don't attend.

It seems like she wants to rain on your parade. In her mind she is using the full proof tactic of church work going on. If I were you I would respond with something like:
(Insert name) I understand your church obligations are important to you, and I am not asking you to break them. But I also feel family has an obligation to support each other for special events. In my opinion, and the opinion of your church leaders family is most important, followed by god and church. This would be a great opportunity to show it. The wedding will be at X hr on X day, please advise if you and our children will be attending.
This flips the script back on her holier than thou a$$.

+1

Any even HINT of truth that your kids aren't too keen on you getting married again in the first place? if they don't want to come, fine, let them go get dead dunked. Enjoy your wedding, and, more importantly, the honeymoon. ;)

Other than that, smokin' hot body trumps Ward Night any time.

I'd tell my ex to kiss my ass. And when the kids get married, you might bring this up again by saying you have neighborhood kegger you have to go to and they'll have to change the date. ;)

Way back when (we're pretty good friends now), my ex used to try to dictate when my kids would fly in from California to spend the summer with me. I told her to kiss my ass since I was paying for it. If she dug her heels in, I'd tell her "Fine, let them stay with you all summer. See how you and THEY like that." Now they come per my schedule and she has no problem with that.

Just sayin'...

Ron

Be careful not to let your previous marriage ruin your new marriage.

Regardless of how understanding your n fiance may be, eventully the ex and the kids may wear her out.
Kids from a previous marriage, especially teens, have a way of doing that.

Set the date for when you have the kids. Or, invite them and let them decide for themselves.

Um, am I the only one who sees this as a ploy to snoop? She's partially bringing this up so she can know when your wedding date is. That way, she can come up with some other excuse to keep the kids from going.

I also wouldn't be so quick to believe her when she says the kids don't want to go. That could be total bullshit.

Even if it is true, depending on how old your kids are, they may not want to go just because weddings are sometimes boring for kids (teens tend to be surly anyway...), not because they hate you or your fiance. That's a detail that your nutty ex wife may have come up with on her own.

If that's the case, you aught to insist they be there. They need to see a real wedding anyway, it will be good for them. I wouldn't take the bait however, your ex is looking for an argument with that email (OH SO CHRISTLIKE of her I might mention....)

I don't know what your divorce agreement is comprised of, but mine says pretty plainly that big family events like births, weddings or deaths trumps any "plans" the other parent has for the kids that day.

She is the spiritual good one in her mind, but most regular thinking people would find her priorities screwed up.

The wedding is just for my Fiance's and my children and our parents. We are keeping it small and simple. We have the wedding, then we go eat at the nicest place in town. Many will know where it is in Utah

There is some truth to the kids not wanting to attend.

I agree with not letting my 1st marriage ruin this new marriage. Fiance and I are keenly aware of this danger.

Thanks all for your viewpoints!

To your wife, I would say, "You are the one who wanted the divorce, so why are you acting so bitter?" Your fiancee could say to the ex, "You've already said what you wanted to say, so if you need to make any further disparaging remarks, please make them to my fiance/husband."

I would also (if your divorce agreement permits,) make the offer to the kids that they do not need to attend church when they are staying with you. Your wife wants to play hardball? You can play, too.

invite them directly the next time you see them and abide by their decision with no recriminations.

If they don't want to come and you force them, it will back fire.

"... that includes baptisms for the dead for the kids."

To my nevermo brain that is a very creepy thing to read! What a nice family activity (?!)... it sure beats watching a good film, going on a hike or just sitting around the kitchen table shooting the shit. O.o

...we are planning to have the wedding done in time for them to make their ward temple night and get dead dunked.

Make your plans, invite your kids first, telling them that you would be honored and thrilled if they attend, but make it their decision.

Don't hold it against them if they decide not to attend.

Once you've discussed it with them, THEN tell your ex the date.

And then have a wonderful celebration - congrats!

As a side note, if you do anything to accomodate your ex's wishes then I hope smokin' hot body kicks you right in the figs.

Just sayin'...

Ron

No offense, but your ex-wife sounds like a high-riding righteous bitch.

I am more thankful every day that I'm here that my ex is sane.

that "MY Children" do not have "MY Permission" to attend the temple an will be attending my wedding showing respect for me "their Father" and their new step-Mother.

and, I will not allow my ex wife to put our children in the middle of this domestic situation by pretending to take the higher ground and acting "as if" participating in a temple trip is more important than participating in my wedding and celebrating with their new step-mother and brothers and sisters our "new" extended family ties. This is important to everyones emotional and mental health to acknowledge that things are different in our family and that we can all be happy for each other even if religious views aren't always the same.

I will not have my children taught that it is OK to treat others disrespectly because they are not Mormons. Perhaps _____ should practice the religion she chose over marriage to an "apostate husband" and observe 11th Article of Faith "We claim the aprivilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the bdictates of our own cconscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them dworship how, where, or what they may."

It seems to me she is just not happy about my impending remarriage and is looking for a way to stop our children from being a part of our celebration.

They don't want me back Wrote:
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> that "MY Children" do not have "MY Permission" to attend the temple an will be attending my wedding showing respect for me "their Father" and their new step-Mother.
>
> and, I will not allow my ex wife to put our children in the middle of this domestic situation by pretending to take the higher ground and acting "as if" participating in a temple trip is more important than participating in my wedding and celebrating with their new step-mother and brothers and sisters our "new" extended family ties. This is important to everyones emotional and mental health to acknowledge that things are different in our family and that we can all be happy for each other even if religious views aren't always the same.
>
> I will not have my children taught that it is OK to treat others disrespectly because they are not Mormons. Perhaps _____ should practice the religion she chose over marriage to an "apostate husband" and observe 11th Article of Faith "We claim the aprivilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the bdictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them dworship how, where, or what they may."
>
> It seems to me she is just not happy about my impending remarriage and is looking for a way to stop our children from being a part of our celebration.

+1

How very Christian of your exwife who is very vindictive IMO.She is not holding her head up high. She is stooping very low. She is surely making your kids dislike both you and your new wife to be. I wish you well.

I hope that the kids see what she has done in case they can not attend your wedding. How many miles apart are these events? Any chance they can get to both. Poor children - doing B for the D and disgracing humans who had their own religion or chose not to believe. They hopefully one day will see your ex for what she is - a controlling woman just like the organization. I am sure if you lead the good life they will see that you are not what your ex is portraying you as.

Also I would not hesitate to explain to your kids that you go to Sacrament Meeting with them and going to YOUR wedding is turn about fair play. You'd like mutual respect. Tell them the difference in weddings in the real world and they really should see one. Make it a big deal even though it is a small wedding. Tell them nothing will be secret in your wedding this time and this is how it should be. Then leave it at that.

TBM's hate to have their children see real weddings. The focus on the happy couple, instead of the excluding and the secrets. They will actually witness the promises and see the bride in a dress she chose, instead of ...nothing. Just a reception.

It is important that you not let your wife frame this situation (as she has done) with her as the faithful one and you the sinner/apostate/reprobate. This is disrespectful of you and will result in emotional problems for all your children when they become adults.

You must fundamentally agree to choose what is best for the children's mental/emotional health REGARDLESS of what you two think about each other and the Mormon church. If your wife cannot agree to a fundamental position of mutual respect, then you can report her behavior to her bishop and (respectfully) ask that he counsel her regarding her priorities.

Don't just ask your children if they want to come. Take a few moments to imagine how they feel: Dad left the church. Dad left Mom. Now Mom says Dad's leaving me. ADDRESS THIS. Tell your children that it is very important TO YOU that they be with you at this milestone in your life. Tell them you can't imagine a wonderful celebration being wonderful without them being there.

This is important enough for your future to warrant changing the date to a time when you would have the kids anyway. And don't tell her when the date is or anything more about it.

Hats off to you for going to Sacrament meeting even though we all know how difficult that is for you. This is love and as the kids grow up, they will understand that's what it was. Having said that, when they are with you, always offer another activity that is much more fun. Because your religion is Family First, so ... let's go rent some XXX and have some fun!

I hope you can work this out to avoid a face-off where your children have to choose between the warring parents. This is what your wife wants because she is thinking only of the eternal security the MoronCon church is offering her--in the next life.

Best

Anagrammy

discuss it with them one on one. Let them tell you to your face how they feel about the marriage and the wedding, and listen to them, really listen.

Tell them how much you love them, and why it is so important that they support you.

One on one, face to face, no distractions. Don't bring up the ex wife or anything she said, or put them in the middle.

+1

I do not see any problem with telling the kids how you feel. Be kind about it and don't pile on the guilt but let them know it is important to you and that you are geting married once. They can go to the temple any time. If they choose not to go, let them know you are disappointed but don't make a huge deal about it. It is important not to let this become a big issue in you relationship, but it is okay to let them know you are disappointed.

ANother thought. If going to the temple is a special ward thing that the kids have been looking forward to, would it be possible to have the wedding another day?I wouldn't be thrilled about it, but sometimes we do things for our kids. Since the wedding is small, it might not be that difficult.Things like a temple trip can be important to kids. I know I thought it was fun when I was a teen and I really looked forward to it. Just a thought, but I wouldn't change the date it if it was a big hassle, but if it can be done easily, it would show the kids that their feelings count too.

Who cares what your ex wife thinks about your new marriage?

Not her business.

Ignore her on everything except matters pertaining to the kids upbringing.

Allow the kids to choose (you talk to them not her) what they attend.

I suspect your ex wife hasn't fully let go of you mentally and this is a last desperate attempt to scupper the fact that you've moved on whilst she hasn't.

Put your foot down...hard...

Your ex is a controlling freak.

However, I think it is the most natural thing in the world for your teenagers not to want to go to your wedding with your brand new, "smokin' hot body" wife, regardless of the Mormon BS. They probably hate her and hate the idea of you remarrying. If my father had divorced my mother when I was a teen (and regardless of who divorced whom, in this situation it is going to be your fault), there is no way I wouldn't hate the new trophy wife.

Invite them. Let them know you'd love to have them present. Then let it go.