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Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
I have a tbm brother that has disowned me for various reasons. He has told me to never write to him or phone him. I am only to contact him in person. He lives 500 miles away.
My wife's sister is also a tbm pos and awhile ago there was a reunion down in Utah and my wife's sister met my brother and his wife. Next thing I know my wife's sister invites the brother up here and they also invited two of my kids to attend a get together (but not me of course). My brother gives the sister-in-law some bs sob story about how much he loves me and wants to have a relationship with me. Afterwards, the sister-in-law grills my wife about the relationship I have with my brother.
Anyone else see something spectacularly off base here?
My wife's sister is also a tbm pos and awhile ago there was a reunion down in Utah and my wife's sister met my brother and his wife. Next thing I know my wife's sister invites the brother up here and they also invited two of my kids to attend a get together (but not me of course). My brother gives the sister-in-law some bs sob story about how much he loves me and wants to have a relationship with me. Afterwards, the sister-in-law grills my wife about the relationship I have with my brother.
Anyone else see something spectacularly off base here?
I'm having a hard time keeping the players straight.
Should you be upset? If that's how you want to spend your time. Hey, they're Mormons acting like many Mormons do. No big surprise, no?
Should you be upset? If that's how you want to spend your time. Hey, they're Mormons acting like many Mormons do. No big surprise, no?
If it was me, I would send brother an email saying that sister-in-law said he wanted to have a relationship with you, and is it OK if you write to him? Maybe this is a chance to work things out. That's assuming you want to get back to being friends with your brother...?
What did your wife say to sis in law?
My wife is a peacemaker. She didn't outwardly say much to her sister, but she is really torqued off. My sil is a really aggressive and outspoken *itch.
Yes, it would bug me, but I would still try to get my relationship back with my brother. I would tell him I love him and give him a big hug. My brother died a year ago so I look at stuff different.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2011 09:06PM by suckafoo.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2011 09:06PM by suckafoo.
I would write an email to your brother *but* send it to your SIL and ask her to forward it to him. In your email mention that SIL is distressed that you two don't have a relationship, but you have always been desirous of one, so you are asking him to send his response to her (to forward back to you) so that she can see for herself that he truly does want a relationship. Also mention that you are willing to do this indefinitely in light of his previous request that you not email or phone him. (In other words, if he can play games, so can you.) I don't believe for a minute that he's sincere.
IMO either you should attend the get-together as a family or none of you should go.
IMO either you should attend the get-together as a family or none of you should go.
That's how they operate. They want to make ultimatums to bring others under control and when it backfires on them they just look bad.
Why deny your children a relationship with your brother? That seems vindictive and cruel to me.
Let the children go and believe me, they will talk about you and how much you miss him.
My sister hasn't spoken to me in fourteen years now and I am encouraging my children who are interested to contact her, just to get a foot in the door, to make sure she's ok and to let her know she is still loved.
Life is short, my friend. Just picture that headstone with your brother's name on it and you regretting that you didn't do everything you possibly could to affect a reconciliation before it was too late.
Best of luck
Anagrammy
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2011 01:59AM by anagrammy.
Let the children go and believe me, they will talk about you and how much you miss him.
My sister hasn't spoken to me in fourteen years now and I am encouraging my children who are interested to contact her, just to get a foot in the door, to make sure she's ok and to let her know she is still loved.
Life is short, my friend. Just picture that headstone with your brother's name on it and you regretting that you didn't do everything you possibly could to affect a reconciliation before it was too late.
Best of luck
Anagrammy
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2011 01:59AM by anagrammy.
It is not vindictive and cruel to protect your children from someone who has demonstrated that they are willing to lie about you and your relationship to make themselves look good.
If the brother were willing to forget the past and move forward, then he would have made contact directly. Or at least invited you to come to the party.
Relative or not, someone people SHOULD be written off and excluded from our lives. Only the person involved can make that decision.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2011 10:38AM by caedmon.
If the brother were willing to forget the past and move forward, then he would have made contact directly. Or at least invited you to come to the party.
Relative or not, someone people SHOULD be written off and excluded from our lives. Only the person involved can make that decision.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2011 10:38AM by caedmon.
From Spaceballs:
Dark Helmet: LUKE! I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing!
As the wise Anagrammy said, life is short. Stick with those who love and accept you, ignore those who don't.
Dark Helmet: LUKE! I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing!
As the wise Anagrammy said, life is short. Stick with those who love and accept you, ignore those who don't.
Yes! You should be upset. Deny your children a relationship with your brother because he is an asshole! Why would you ever let your kids go see such a person who is behaving so badly?
Don't let them go!
Don't let them go!
To Mr. Jackass, Miss Budinski and my loving wife
My Jackass brother disowned me several years ago and those reasons are his. I was not to contact him which I have respected.
Miss budinski happened to meet him at a mutual family event where in my opinion he spun some victim story and somehow made me out to be the villian. Which is his style. So Miss Budinski takes the whole one sided story and never get my side it, I guess b/c she psychic and know when someone is telling the truth. Now she proceeds to invite my children to an event where (unbeknownst to me) my children will meet Mr. Jackass.
Then Miss Budinske grills my wife about the relationship between me and Mr. Jackass instead of speaking directly to me.
Now my wife and children have been put in the middle of this and I have been portrayed as the villain.
Mr. Jackass, you threw out the trump card and disowned me several years ago instead of working out our differences like adults. Mr. Jackass didn’t want a relationship with me unless you could control me and dictate the terms of the relationship, a condition I would not abide with. So now you don’t like the results of not having access to my life and no contact with my wife and children. Tough, but then you found a way around me and plead you case to my SIL who knew nothing about this and spun some story about how much you want a relationship and how much you love us. If it was so important to you could have picked up the phone or e-mailed. But NOOOOOO, you chose to go around my back and attempt to influce my SIL, my wife and my children instead of dealing with me.
So let me set the record straight, my relationship with my brother is not yours to fix Miss Budinski and I don’t answer to you especially since you didn’t bother to get the facts and allowed yourself to be manipulated by Mr. Jackass and went around my back to introduce my children to a situation I would have protected them from and further are asking my wife to explain a situation she is not responsible for as well.
To my wife, you don’t have to explain me to your sister either. She is an adult and if she wants that kind of information she can speak to me directly.
So here is where I now stand on this issue. Miss Budinski you can forward this to Mr. Jackass as you seem to have a relationship with him I do not share. I do not want you two going around my back to give Mr. Jackass access to my personal life or to my family. If he wants a relationship with me he will have to start being honest in his approach and start mending fences. As for you, Miss Budinski, I suggest you mind your own business or at least have a decent enough relationship with me to get some facts straight (I might add that your conduct in this situation gives me pause about your judgment and your maturity level.)
I suspect that this whole thing traces back to the immaturity level of Mormons who (act like little children) an assume b/c they go to church and are still Mormons that they’re right and everyone else wrong. But that is just not true, I have a much right to the life choices I make by growing up and getting out of bad situations as others do who choose to be active in a Church that makes them feel, self righteous or like victims when someone won’t get with the program and chooses to leave the organization.
I suspect this whole matter to be resolved when some people choose to grow up. Hint, it's not me.
My Jackass brother disowned me several years ago and those reasons are his. I was not to contact him which I have respected.
Miss budinski happened to meet him at a mutual family event where in my opinion he spun some victim story and somehow made me out to be the villian. Which is his style. So Miss Budinski takes the whole one sided story and never get my side it, I guess b/c she psychic and know when someone is telling the truth. Now she proceeds to invite my children to an event where (unbeknownst to me) my children will meet Mr. Jackass.
Then Miss Budinske grills my wife about the relationship between me and Mr. Jackass instead of speaking directly to me.
Now my wife and children have been put in the middle of this and I have been portrayed as the villain.
Mr. Jackass, you threw out the trump card and disowned me several years ago instead of working out our differences like adults. Mr. Jackass didn’t want a relationship with me unless you could control me and dictate the terms of the relationship, a condition I would not abide with. So now you don’t like the results of not having access to my life and no contact with my wife and children. Tough, but then you found a way around me and plead you case to my SIL who knew nothing about this and spun some story about how much you want a relationship and how much you love us. If it was so important to you could have picked up the phone or e-mailed. But NOOOOOO, you chose to go around my back and attempt to influce my SIL, my wife and my children instead of dealing with me.
So let me set the record straight, my relationship with my brother is not yours to fix Miss Budinski and I don’t answer to you especially since you didn’t bother to get the facts and allowed yourself to be manipulated by Mr. Jackass and went around my back to introduce my children to a situation I would have protected them from and further are asking my wife to explain a situation she is not responsible for as well.
To my wife, you don’t have to explain me to your sister either. She is an adult and if she wants that kind of information she can speak to me directly.
So here is where I now stand on this issue. Miss Budinski you can forward this to Mr. Jackass as you seem to have a relationship with him I do not share. I do not want you two going around my back to give Mr. Jackass access to my personal life or to my family. If he wants a relationship with me he will have to start being honest in his approach and start mending fences. As for you, Miss Budinski, I suggest you mind your own business or at least have a decent enough relationship with me to get some facts straight (I might add that your conduct in this situation gives me pause about your judgment and your maturity level.)
I suspect that this whole thing traces back to the immaturity level of Mormons who (act like little children) an assume b/c they go to church and are still Mormons that they’re right and everyone else wrong. But that is just not true, I have a much right to the life choices I make by growing up and getting out of bad situations as others do who choose to be active in a Church that makes them feel, self righteous or like victims when someone won’t get with the program and chooses to leave the organization.
I suspect this whole matter to be resolved when some people choose to grow up. Hint, it's not me.
You must have some sort of psychological training, because your analysis is spot on. Thanks for the comment. And everyone else thanks for the comments.
actually this board is where I got better. So much experience and insight and now my amateur status is pretty accurate.
30 years of dealing with this type of behavior is more experience than I really want, and not getting paid to deal with it either, Crap!
My philosophy is "life is too short to be caught up in this dyfunctional drama, so if they can't get their act together and have a healthy relationship with me they won't be a part of my life"
I know it sounds brutial, but if you don't set an enforce these boundaries your life will be a series of situations like this that will define and consume your time.
30 years of dealing with this type of behavior is more experience than I really want, and not getting paid to deal with it either, Crap!
My philosophy is "life is too short to be caught up in this dyfunctional drama, so if they can't get their act together and have a healthy relationship with me they won't be a part of my life"
I know it sounds brutial, but if you don't set an enforce these boundaries your life will be a series of situations like this that will define and consume your time.
I'd send it to Bro with a cc to SIL.
"I just heard from SIL that you are eager to have a relationship with me and are rescinding your first instructions not to contact me which I knew at the time you didn't mean. So please call me and let's talk. We'll agree to leave the church thing out of our discussions altogether and just have a nice visit, brother to brother."
"I just heard from SIL that you are eager to have a relationship with me and are rescinding your first instructions not to contact me which I knew at the time you didn't mean. So please call me and let's talk. We'll agree to leave the church thing out of our discussions altogether and just have a nice visit, brother to brother."