My TBM parents know I don't believe anymore, so things have been kind of awkward. The other night my mother tearfully told me her only purpose for existing was to make sure I made it to the CK, and that I ought to agree to go to sacrament meeting every week, if not for myself, then for her.

I adore my mother and think she's a very smart lady who doesn't give herself enough credit for things. It kills me to hear her say things like that (she's worth so much more than Mormonism!), and then I feel bad that she hurts to so much because I don't believe in the church anymore.

Up until now I was in school under the agreement that they would financially help me as long as I made good grades and poured myself into my work. (I have a BA already, but was in a supplementary program that went along with my previous field of study.) I've decided not to go back until I figure out a way to fund my goals on my own. But they still keep pressuring me to accept their help, while also pressuring me to commit to go to sacrament meeting every week in return, even if I'm NOT actively in classes or enrolled anywhere.

They say they can't trust me to do the right thing since I've "turned my back on sacred covenants" I made when I was eight years old. This hurts because I've worked so hard in school and always stayed out of trouble, and none of that matters to them anymore. I explained that there's no way for an 8-year-old child to make an informed decision about religion, but they said it doesn't matter since it's the "Holy Ghost" that tells a person what they need to do.

My father told me I obviously didn't try my hardest in Mormonism, and that my criticism has made me hard-hearted. He expects me to continue going every week and "work" with their local Bishop, and says he'll never respect my decision to leave so long as he's not convinced I tried my hardest to make it work for me. But I've spent two decades in this church, spent my childhood and teenage years in it, graduated seminary, got the YW medallion, did my VT, served in the RS and was a full tithe-payer until this year. I feel like I've done everything outside of getting my endowments, serving a mission, and marrying a TBM man.

To make matters more complicated, I don't consider myself heterosexual. They're already saying I decided to leave because I let my "anger" over Prop 8 warp my religious views (in reality it's much more complicated than that). I can only imagine what they'd say if they knew I actually identified with the LGBT community. The minute they find that out, I feel like they'll just tell me I didn't try hard enough to get myself "cured", and blame that (and me) for their decision to no longer help me with my education.

I spent a lot of last night crying. I'm already in a vulnerable place because I'm coping with having to change my direction in life. I feel like they're trying to take advantage of that in order to get me to do what they want. But, at the same time, I love them, and I hate that they're so disappointed in me.

I think it's probably better that I not accept their help so long as there are strings like that attached. There's no guarantee they won't change the conditions of the agreement in the future if it suits them, like they've done in the past. I also don't think it's good for me to go every week simply for my parents' happiness. I've spent my whole life living for other people, and I'm getting to the age where I need to just draw the line.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm grateful for everything they've done for me, and I love them very much. It's just hard adjusting to the fact that I won't really have a normal relationship with them ever again.

Sorry for the length. Just needed to vent somewhere.

Geez, I hate emotional manipulation probably more than anything else in the world. It's completely unfair of them to base their happiness on what you believe. So sorry they're doing this to you.

to understand where you are coming from? If not, then they don't respect you, and if they don't respect you then how can they claim to love you?

Until they make an honest and concerted effort to understand your reasons for not believing then you are just another goal for them in their celestial ball game.

Yes, I wrote a letter detailing a few of my reasons for deciding it didn't work for me. I was careful to only use newspapers and actual church materials to document my reasons.

They said they read the whole thing. They've been pretty dismissive of my reasons, though, saying that it didn't matter what I thought, that it was still all from God. My job wasn't to ask why, but to pray that I could learn to accept it, and talk to "doctrinal experts" like the Bishop and SP so they could set me straight.

I pointed out that they were all assuming it was from God in the first place, and that was as bad as researching the church under the assumption it couldn't be true (something they've repeatedly accused me of). My dad said he could get what I was saying, even if he doesn't "understand" it.

I believe their thinking is just so colored by church teachings that they instinctively rationalize any criticism they hear for their own peace of mind. They feel threatened by my decision. This makes it even harder for us to reach any kind of real understanding.

+1
Love without respect is no love at all.

My comment was supposed to go under Socrates2

Your parents can expect whatever they want, but you are now an adult and it's time that you live your life on your own terms. You are not responsible for your parents' happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness. If it hasn't occurred to them already, offspring seldom turn out 100% as parents would wish. The best that can be hoped for is that your kids are responsible, loving, ethical, etc. However kids are *not* going to be clones of their parents. Parents who expect otherwise are on a fool's errand.

I don't know how you get through to a mentality like that. To your mom, you might try saying that people got along just fine before Mormonism came along, and you are no different. I would try a blunter approach with your dad, and just tell him that while you respect *him*, you are through with Mormonism and he can like it or not like it, but that's how it is.

Your parents have had the opportunity to live their lives, and now you have the opportunity to live your life. They can't do it for you, nor should they. You get to decide. Don't throw your chance away.

I can tell you that I have *never* regretted decisions that I have made that required me to take action, whether those decisions turned out well in the end or not. I *have* very much regretted when I failed to take action and just let events wash over me.

Live your life on your own terms. You may make mistakes along the way, but you will never regret doing this.

of how parents are so invested in the core of their belief in Mormonism: The Eternal Family.

I have touched, many times, on how this belief is at the center of their generational, patriarchal, familial, social religious tribe AKA Mormonism. It's my observation and experience that leaving Mormonism is leaving your tribe, on some level, in every sense of the word. You are, in the view of the parents and relatives that are generational true believing members, leaving your heritage - your sacred right to the tribe of Ephraim as well as all the sacred covenants made along the way. (Almost every Patriarchal blessing has as one of it's duties to designate your tribe in the House of Israel.)

With that as a short background, your parents are doing what they are taught to do, and what they are expected to do, as you mother put it, it's her goal to keep her family with her in the Celestial Kingdom. This is, from what I can tell, sacred and a very personal responsibility that she is convinced she will be held accountable for in the after life.

They will take the position that you are rejecting them, their teachings and they take it personally as a failure on their part. It's a kind of betrayal when a family member leaves, or doesn't believe anymore, which is devastating to them. They may spend their whole life wondering what they did wrong and how they can fix it.
Not all respond this way, but it is very common.

I can sympathize with your position. It's not an easy one to leave your familial religious heritage and step outside their beliefs. It's difficult for everyone to understand each other and why they act the way they do.

My view is to be steadfast in your love for your parents, try to help them understand that you are not doing anything to hurt them, and it's because of their teachings that you are able to be honest with yourself. Maybe something of that nature might help, but it's hard to tell, especially while emotions are so raw. Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them it's not a rejection, not personal, they still don't believe you.

My experience is that usually family members take a lot of time to adjust to the changes, and eventually, they find a comfortable place with the non believer in the family. But it often takes a lot of time.

My best wishes to you. This cannot be easy. I think you are wise to set your own goals and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and be independent. Hopefully, your parents will adjust to your changes and be more accepting.

I am sure you have loved mom and dad and are grateful for all the help they have given you over the yrs. BUT you can not go forward in your life living a lie. I would start with a firm decision to NOT attend any church services that they want you to go to. Be firm...not any wishy-washy attitude. You must make it clear that YOU will go to a church if and when you feel it will be beneficial to you and you get something out of it. Mormonism is not doing that for you.

TAKE time for them to adjust to that before you tell them anymore about the direction of your life. YOU have done all a reasonable person would do to please a parent, but it will never be enough. YOU DO have to stand up for yourself and become the adult YOU want to be. I agree that you should stop the college work for now. When you can financially manage, then you can go back. Do not be down on yourself for disappointing your parents. They have disappointed you by belonging to a fake religion. And I agree- no 8 yr. old can make any covenants to any religion.

SusieQ#1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My experience is that usually family members take
> a lot of time to adjust to the changes, and
> eventually, they find a comfortable place with the
> non believer in the family. But it often takes a
> lot of time.

This doesn't hold true in my family and in my understanding of Mormonism.

They don't want to be with a "servant" but a godlet and will do everything to achieve this.

I think your sentiments are often encouraging false hopes. Some here may like this but I don't.

http://lds.org/ensign/1971/10/that-our-children-may-know?lang=eng&noLang=true&path=/ensign/1971/10/that-our-children-may-know
"The Lord has indicated by revelation that we can be saved singly and separately in the resurrection and be as servants; but whenever the word of the Lord indicates exaltation, it is mentioned in connection with the family unit. The first purpose of the book of remembrance, then, is to show the eternal promises that have been bestowed upon members of the immediate family as well as upon those who are classified as ancestors."

I think the important thing to remember is that every family is different. No two families react in exactly the same way. We cannot control how others will act/behave, but we can control our own actions and attitudes.

I've been focused on saving relationships in my life and world, in a positive manner. It means meeting people where they are and not trying to change them but loving them -- well -- as-is on some level. I can accept the Mormons in my life. They are people just like me. Besides, I'm married to one! :-)

Sometimes that means taking a break, some separation, and doing things differently, setting boundaries, but I know that a lot depends on how I treat the other people in my life. If I treat them as equals, and make religion a non-issue, it always works out best for me, anyhow. I highly recommend it.

There are no guarantees in the Exit Process from Mormonism - everyone has a different experience.
It all depends on the people we are dealing with.

I live with the idea that things will work out for the best... and they usually do -- !!

when everything faboo's parents are requesting are conditional. All the "I'll love you IF", you go to Church, we'll trust you only when you keep the covenants, we'll help you with your continued education if you stay active.

Doesn't sound like faboo's parents will make religion a non-issue no matter what faboo does to try and make it a non-issue.

No matter how good her parents are it is still poor parenting using conditional love, manipulation, and authoritarian behaviour.

And too often Mormon parents who have inactive children are more worried about their own image and judgement other members make of them as parents if they have a non-believing and inactive child.

It's sad they can't see the wonderful person faboo is in her own right.



SusieQ#1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If I treat them as equals, and make religion a
> non-issue, it always works out best for me,
> anyhow. I highly recommend it.

> I live with the idea that things will work out for
> the best... and they usually do -- !!

Helen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> when everything faboo's parents are requesting are
> conditional. All the "I'll love you IF", you go to
> Church, we'll trust you only when you keep the
> covenants, we'll help you with your continued
> education if you stay active.
>
> Doesn't sound like faboo's parents will make
> religion a non-issue no matter what faboo does to
> try and make it a non-issue.
>
> No matter how good her parents are it is still
> poor parenting using conditional love,
> manipulation, and authoritarian behaviour.
>
> And too often Mormon parents who have inactive
> children are more worried about their own image
> and judgement other members make of them as
> parents if they have a non-believing and inactive
> child.
>
> It's sad they can't see the wonderful person faboo
> is in her own right.
>
>
>
> SusieQ#1 Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > If I treat them as equals, and make religion a
> > non-issue, it always works out best for me,
> > anyhow. I highly recommend it.
>
> > I live with the idea that things will work out
> for
> > the best... and they usually do -- !!


My view: give the parents more time. Everything is raw and new right now.
Sometimes a year or two or more makes a huge change in people's attitudes. We've read about it here on the board.

This kind of thing makes me really angry. So they force you to do what they want, you're miserable, but they don't care, as long as everything is safe and right in their little world. Grrrrrr. I'm angry on your behalf.

The thing is that you are not responsible for their happiness and they need to understand that. All you can really do is tell them that they will have to find a way to be happy within themselves, because you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

My dad is better with my disbelief than my mother. She's making an effort to tell my daughters they shouldn't listen to me when I talk about religion.

Oh well. Her loss because I won't up with that sh!t.

Hi Faboo,

You sound like a great and conscientious young woman. I agree with your thoughts. Unfortunately, your parents most definitely are trying to take advantage of your vulnerability to get their way. They think that they're doing the right thing because they really believe in the religious tenets of Mormonism. Unfortunately, what they're really doing is sending the message that their love for you is conditional. Living life for other people is a tradeoff: it exchanges some quantity of freedom for some quantity of security. Only you can decide what the right balance is. It's not all-or-nothing. What makes this difficult is that they're your parents.

The Church deifies heterosexual marriage. It's at the heart of the Mormon system.

You're lesbian.

Mormonism + Homosexuality = Disaster

No matter what you do, you're going to hurt your parents. But please remember that it's not your fault. You're perfectly fine just the way that you are. Some people are born Caucasian, others Asian, others Black. Almost all are born straight. Some are born gay. This is just human variation at work. It's enculturation that's the problem in this case--or to put it less charitably, Mormon brainwashing.

If you believe, as most of us here to, that Mormonism is false, then your parents are the victims of an institution peddling immortality in Disneyland in exchange for praying, paying, and obeying, most especially when it comes to marrying an opposite sex partner. That's not an option that's realistically open to you, so that's a show stopper. But even if it were, since you know that Mormonism is false, what's at stake here, really, is your parents' feelings and the risk of their rejecting and shunning you.

Rejecting and shunning you...because you were born lesbian. And that's a flat-out contradiction to the entire Mormon belief system. The reason that homosexuals are such a threat to the Church is because if they Church were to accept that sexual orientation is fixed by the time of birth and that at least 1 in 50 individuals is homosexual, they would have to acknowledge that their own dogma is false, which, of course, they would never do. Therefore, they'll mercilessly try to pound a square peg into a round hole--a futile, but destructive, exercise.

My gay (ex-)Mormon friend, Doug Stewart, committed suicide: http://www.affirmation.org/suicides/douglas_stewart.shtml. All he wanted in life was to find lasting love. He couldn't, and he gave up. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Your sexual orientation and lack of belief in the Church is a MUCH smaller threat to your parents' well-being than the imposition of their belief system on your life would be to you. It would make you miserable, and remove whatever prospects you had for happiness. It would be a complete disaster. It won't work.

It's not your fault that you're lesbian, and there's nothing wrong with being lesbian, despite what society thinks. It's not your fault that you were born to Mormon parents. Had you been born to atheist professors at Berkeley, you'd be set. In a way, you just got unlucky because there's an "impedance mismatch" between your biological hardware and your parents' cultural software.

Under the circumstances, I think that the easiest way forward would be for you to get away from your parents--far away--and live your life. You'll be less of a threat to their beliefs that way, and they'll have very little power over you. This is hard, but you're already hurting, and you deserve so much better, Faboo, and I'm confident that you're going to find it. It'll take time and effort, but you're going to be all right.

I understand what it's like to live one's life for others. Again, it's a tradeoff of freedom for security. But what are the hidden costs? No girlfriend (or the necessity for a furtive relationship). Constantly disappointing your parents. Remaining in a state of misery and blaming yourself. These are all harmful. No matter what you do--including nothing at all--there will be suffering. That's what makes being human so miserable. We can't avoid some amount of suffering, oftentimes a great deal of it.

If I can give you one guiding principle that may be helpful, it's this: Act so as to expand your freedom over the long term.

One example is school. Getting a doctorate would take a long time, but it would move you up the social hierarchy and confer on you a serious degree of credibility. As I tell friends, "Stay in school...forever." Another example is money. Save money. Plan for the long haul. Maximize your 401(k) contribution, to the legal limit, each and every year.

The general idea is that just like money compounds with interest (or stock investment returns, etc.), if you make little, positive changes today, in 30, and 40, years, you'll have an enormous amount of money, or knowledge, or relationships. The goal should be to make little changes that favor your happiness, and then keep them going so that they're silently "compounding" for you to expand your freedom in every way.

As difficult as it is to understand this if you come from a Mormon background, people pleasing harms you. It's good to be selfish. I think that you could use a good dose of selfishness. You might want to read Ayn Rand's _The Fountainhead_ or her other books. She wrote an essay on "The Virtue of Selfishness." Put yourself first, because while no man--or woman--is an island, everyone wants to hang around a winner, and to become a winner, to become excellent, takes a great deal of practice and individual determination.

Believe in yourself and act so as to expand your freedom over the long term. The rest will take care of itself.

Also, the current situation that you have with your parents won't last forever. Tug-of-war games are only possible if there are two sides. If one side won't play, there's no game. To pick up the rope in the Mormonism game would put you at an immediate disadvantage. Don't. The situation with your parents will exist so long as you give them power over you. Take back your freedom--one bit at a time. Go at your own pace.

Don't forget about YOUR own importance. You're not some piece of scenery to decorate your parents' lives. You're an adult and your own life matters, but it can only matter to you if you claim it.

If your life isn't about you, then whom is it about?

In my view, the only possible answer to that question could be, "The love of my life." And if that girl isn't in your life, then I promise you that as loving as your parents may be, they'd only be a pale substitute for the real thing. Life is for living meaningfully. Take back your life and live it on your terms by experimenting and making little changes that move you closer to your dreams, day by day. Know that the going will be very rough at times, but one day, no matter what you do, you'll be 40. Imagine that right now, looking back at yourself today, right now. What does the 40 year old want to say to you today? Can you imagine the 40 year old happy?

I can, arm in arm with her beautiful wife.

Sending You Encouragement,

Steve

That might be the best advice I've ever read on this board. Nice!

* LIKE *

Faboo never said she was a lesbian. She said she wasn't heterosexual and identifies with the LGBT community. That means she could be L,B or T. (Or Q - just to cover all the bases)

Hang in there faboo. I ditched the church at about your age while my father was the stake president in the town where we both live. I am now 62 and haven't been back to the mormon church for over 30 years. Looking back I would not change a thing. Once I got past the initial shunning and nonsense my parents tried to do, things leveled out and we learned to respect each other and interact. I learned so much being away from mormonism. It was one of the best decisions of my life and I am a much better person as a result. Life is just so much better without the church. One other thought. Don't be too easy on your parents. They led you into a destructive, deceptive, fraudulent and dangerous cult. They were the people who should have guided you and protected you from such things during your formative years but instead they brain washed you with cult nonsense. Keep that in mind during your journey. I also agree that the prior post was elouquent and well written.

It is NOT your fault. It is THEIR choosing. You have to let them be and act as insane and out of control as they choose to be. You have your life to live as you see fit without a church or outside dogma telling you your value.

You know who you are and that you are in charge of you. Celebrate your independence, intelligence and understandings. No need to get yourself worked up in the psychosis of your parents or any one else. Focus on people and things that bring you joy. Be grateful for memories but be eagar to move into the realm of the now and create a wonderful future.

Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go. Love yourself enough to stay away from thinking and people that drag you down.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2011 12:39AM by dane.

MOVE OUT!!

You need to gently, but firmly, tell you mother this. "I cannot make your life meaningful or happy -- only you can do that." It's great that you love your parents and want them to be happy. That's a normal, human feeling. But what they're doing right now is using your love for them as a weapon against you. I hope, for your own sake, that you can move into your own place and put some distance between you and your folks for a while. Maybe they just need some time to accept that you are an adult, whether they like it or not. :)

"I feel like they're trying to take advantage of that in order to get me to do what they want."

My husband, the gay ex-Mo, says: "That's exactly what they're doing." And about never having a normal relationship with your parents again, he says, "That was not a normal relationship, and it never was. It may become MORE normal now that you've left the church, though."

Finally, he says that the only thing you can say to your mom and dad is "I'm sorry you feel that way," whenever they bring up church. He had this exact conversation with his mom when he was nineteen or twenty, and she's never accepted it, but she's stopped pressuring him (at least, that overtly). You can't be what they want, and they have no right to demand that of you anymore.

Best of luck to you on your journey out of the closets that you've been closed in for so long. You do not need them (the closets or your parents) to succeed.

Whether or not they realize it.

But it's time for YOU to realize that you need to get away from them or stop listening to them somehow.

You are trying to be true to your own beliefs (and of course you happen to be absolutely right that the church isn't true). That's what a person SHOULD do. Especially at your stage of life.

They, on the other hand, are trying to control your life as if you were their little puppet. Your dad even has the audacity to judge that you didn't TRY hard enough to live the gospel (since you reached a different conclusion than he did).

NOBODY else has the right to judge the effort you have made, or the sincerity of that effort. In the abuse literature, that is called "mind-reading", and it's meant to control you (perhaps make you doubt yourself, or want to prove them wrong, or just behave in the way they are dictating). They are minimizing your thoughts and experiences, and trying to get you to conform to their wishes.

Even IF they were right (about the church), their methods would be extremely destructive to your sense of self, your ability to make decisions, and become an independent adult. NOTHING, gives them the right to do that.

Despite their love and concern for you, they ARE hurting you.

I suggest you read up on emotional abuse so you can learn to defend yourself against their tactics. (I like the author Patricia Evans, and some of her books are on Amazon for previewing with EXTENSIVE sections of thebook available)
>

http://product.half.ebay.com/Controlling-People-How-to-Recognize-Understand-and-Deal-With-People-Who-Try-to-Control-You-by-Patricia-Evans-2002-Paperback/1967199&tg=videtails&item=342236086498

I like this website and have always had a good experience buying a used book. The books ships via Media Mail at a cost of $3.49 + $1.97 for the book.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2011 08:36PM by saviorself.

This RfM Board never ceases to amaze me. There IS so much loving compassion in the world!!!

My heartfelt thoughts go out to you as you struggle through this time in your life. Previous posters have addressed psychological, emotional and spiritual sides of your hurting. These amazing people have given you great advice and lots to print out, think/pray about and hold close to your heart. You sound like a good person who wants to do the right thing both in your love for your parents and to be true to your own heart.

I don't have much to offer as I'm one of the lonely Type-A gung-ho practical (new-ish) voices here in RfM Cyberspace. But here is what I would consider doing:

1. Move out. Find friends, acquaintances, a family that needs maid/housecleaning/cook/childcare/landscaping help, offer your services and confidentiality and move out from your parents. There are SOOOO many people out there who would love to sub-let a room in return for some help with their family/household. If finances are an issue for you, find a way to make it work, even if it means spending a year or so as a maid (it's a great opportunity in reality!!!!)

2. Set up weekly or biweekly dates with your Mom alone. 2 hours maximun time limit. Go to the park and walk a mile. Go to the mall and have hot chocolate. Go to the dollar movie together. Meet at a restaurant for desserts one evening. Help her clean our the attic, basement or garage. Plant annuals in the front yard together. Make it clear to Mom that you love her and want to spend TIME with her. Set it up and see how it goes for a month or two. You might be surprised.

3. Set up weekly or biweekly dates with your Dad alone. 2 hours maximum time limit. Same suggestions as above.

4. Set up biweekly or monthly dates with BOTH Mom and Dad to do a service project. 3-4 hours maximum. Give them a list of suggestions you all could do, but be open to doing some service LDS-related if they want to as well (no, do NOT be willing to clean the chapel!!!). There have been awesome suggestions here on the forum in the past, but focus on your parents' strengths and just go for it!!! Serving others together will help cement your bonds, while lessening the focus on the church.

5. Make these dates first priority on your calendar. Keep the time limits. Plan out what to talk about and keep it upbeat, and focused on how much you love them.

6. Send them an email weekly about what's going on in your life, about 3-5 paragraphs in length. Doesn't have to be important stuff, just open your life to them. Email works much better than a phone call as they will have to read it, take time to digest your info, then think about responding. Even if they never respond, you will have taken the loving, initial steps needed.

7. Consider being willing to attend LDS- service projects ONLY. Not Sacrament MEetings or other wastes of time, but that you ARE willing to follow Jesus' command to "Love your neighbor as yourself" and "help feed the orphans and widows, comfort the sick, poor and those in prison". This crosses all religions and is just plain, good common sense!!! Tell Mom and Dad that if they are doing a service project (NOT cleaning the temple or ward bldg) you would be happy to help. This includes sewing nights with YW and RS, cooking for new moms, landscaping a widow's house, helping a Boy Scout complete his Eagle Project, etc. That puts the onus on Mom and Dad to look around and see how much service is NOT being done by the Mormon Church!!!!!

8. Don't neglect birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day or anniversaries for your parents. A short message listing your fondest memories of them as your parents growing up (pick 2-3 per year) written in a card or spoken onto a cassette tape are usually the BEST presents a parent can ever get.

9. You might consider being the family journalist and start getting your parents' life stories NOW before they get really old. Take notes and ask the questions you have always wanted to know. The more you focus on THEM the less they'll focus on YOU. Type it up and save it. You'll treasure it someday.

10. Once you get more financially secure, consider getting gift cards for $25, $50, $100 amounts to grocery stores. You could give them to your Dad to give to the Bishop or SP to ensure they go to a family that really NEEDS help. Or you could find out who those families are, and mail them yourself with a message (or anonymous) that clearly says the giver is non-LDS but still cares. However you want to do it. But that gift card will mean WORLDS more to a hurting person than giving any amount of tithing EVER will.

So these are some of the things a wise person told us to do years ago. We haven't done them all, but many of them have worked so well I just really wanted to share with you.

Faboo, I remember very well when your parents decided to withdraw their support for your schooling because you stopped going to church. You were trying so hard to be loving and understanding of them, and they were punishing you for not doing what they wanted. You need distance from your family as soon as possible, as many posters have suggested.
I escaped church and my family many years ago. It wasn't so hard for me because I knew I could not live their life and I needed the distance. Over the past 35 years, we have had a warm and cordial relationship, just not particularly close. My father died recently, and I spent some difficult days caring for him. There was no happy ending, since he actually said quite mean things to me as his mind was going. Still, I know that we loved each other - there were just always the limitations of our very different mentalities. I blame the Cult - he blamed my European education!
You need your own life now and only you can make it. You will have to give up some of your family closeness, but that isn't bad or unhealthy. Our cult background just makes it more traumatic. You have the regard and concern of lots of people here. K

You need to distance yourself from such parents because they do not want to let you grow into your real self.

Not all parents are "kind and dear". Yours certainly aren't.

There is no way you will fit into their idea of a dutiful daughter, and you should not have to.

You job is to become your own person while your parents are trying to hold you back.

Drop the emotional baggage the try to load on you and MOVE ON.

no 8 year old is mentally capable of making "eternal covenants" with ANYONE

I really appreciate people taking the time to give their input and encouragement.

I'm not sure if you'll see this, Steve, but your thoughtful words really hit me hard. I actually first read Doug Stewart's story about 6 months ago and felt so broken-hearted that tragedies like this happen. I've heard nothing but great things from those who knew your friend, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss. No one deserves to suffer that kind of emotional turmoil, and yet no one with church "authority" will acknowledge that their harmful attitudes toward LGBT Mormons (as well as LGBT nevermos and exmos) needs to be addressed.

Your advice was eloquently worded, sound and practical, Steve, and I will do my best to take it to heart.

Mrs. Solar Flare's advice for future interaction with my parents was also really interesting to read. It makes sense, and I can see the positive benefits it could truly have for both sides. It would let us bond while helping out in the community. (I especially like agreeing to do church stuff so long as it involves service for other people! Most of the time it doesn't, and it might get them to think on that.)

Some of the reading recommendations have given me something to think on as well. I never thought to consider my father's refusal to acknowledge that I've tried my hardest to be a form of manipulation (even if it may not be intentional on his part), and I've resolved to not to let him make me second-guess my decisions.

I've got this thread saved, and I have a feeling I will continually look look over it as I try to navigate my way through the uncertain months and years ahead.

It's probably worth noting that I'd originally moved in with an exmo relative, but had to move back in with my parents due to a family emergency that unexpectedly crashed down on everyone. I'm trying to find ways to make money, and then I'll likely gradually start living with my exmo relative again while doing what I can to help my parents with their current problems.

Regardless, I really do appreciate everyone's input and support. It's so comforting to see that there are others who've been there and became better off for it.

Sorry for not saying all this sooner. Not long after writing my original post I sort of shut down and became paralyzed because I was so overwhelmed. But I'm gradually starting to feel better, and I think on this thread often.

Thank you, everyone.

Faboo

I suggest that rather than being 'touchy-feely' with why Mormonism doesn't 'work' for you, you hit them with cold, hard truth. (Like Joe's money-digging, polygamy, polyandry, etc.) Keep focused on these issues and not on whether or not you GO to sc, etc. In this way they will see that your issues are based on fact, not on feeling or 'trying harder.'