Just curious to know how some of you were able to help your spouse unplug themselves from the LDSMatrix. I am in a unique situation. About a year back I started questioning things regarding the Church when I was teaching a lesson to primary about Noah and the Ark. I thought to myself this story does not sound possible. Believe it or not that is what started me down the path. Now a year later I know its all a lie. So I really want to help my spouse see things the way I do. I don't want to raise my kids in a lie. The unique part of the situation is that I was born in a completly active mormon family, everyone went on missions, got married in the temple, etc. My wife on the other hand is the only member of the church in her family. She started going when she was 8 and has just always gone. My Inlaws hate the church and wonder why we go, I have yet to tell them how I feel. I have awesome inlaws BTW as a result of them not being LDS. My mother inlaw and wife are literaly best friends. I hate the fact that they couldn't see our wedding, it kills me now. My wife doesn't read scriptures, not sure she has ever read the BOM, We have really never paid tithing in our 11 years of mariagge. Neither of us like church,me much less than her. Yet my wife when finding out I have a few doubts 6 months back(now full doubt) just shut me down and didn't want to hear it. She then stopped letting us skip church as much. My kids hate church 6 and 4. Everything seems to be prepared yet I really feel the thing that keeps my wife going is this feeling of needing to be an example to me,kids, and her family. Part of me thinks time will resolve it all. I know that a conversation is going to be happening soon regarding everything so I am just trying to plan my course of action in that disscussion. My wife is extremly book smart, has a career, etc. My plan as of now is to tell her I have these issues and ask her if she would help me resolve them and study them with me. Just curious to know what some of you did and your thoughts on the process.

Joseph Smith's hidden polygamy and his marrying of underaged girls and already married women is usually disturbing to lds women.

+1 . It may not work immediately but it has to raise some questions. Personally I would leave a book lying around rather than giving some big speech.

not to the people in my family! "they did it for reasons that we do not understand. We'll find out why in the next life". suuuure.

My advise would be to NOT go down the route you are going. If your wife is as book smart as you say she is, common sense should already tell her, Joseph Smith was an idiot.

For me, it wasn't the Book of Mormon that finished me in TSCC, it was what Joseph Smith did after he translated The Book of Mormon (If he even did that, which I am now starting to question). I mean the polygamy, the temples, all the moving to avoid being prosecuted for his crimes. Looking back on it, he was the Warren Jeffs of the 1800's.

All the things that Joseph Smith did, is in public record, all you have to do is show your wife, what the REAL Joseph Smith did, and not the version the church wants you to know.

If you point all that out to your wife, and she STILL believes, then you are not the one with the problem my friend.

I would be very careful. She has already shown that questioning brings her back to the church stronger...

If I were you, based on what you've written and depending on how strong you feel your relationship is, I would find some time to talk with her about what your thinking about the church. Make sure that you don't have distractions, and that it is totally non-confrontational.

Explain that you need to tell her about how you feel about the church, that you don't want to argue, that this is just what you are going though, it's your "spiritual journey". That you hope she'll listen and understand and that you too will respect her feelings, she's allowed to feel what she wants to as she'll need to discover for herself. Explain that you no longer believe the church is true, list your reasons. If she wants to argue or "bare her testimony", stop... remind her that this is what you are going though and that if she doesn't want to listen, that's fine, but you do not want this to become an argument, but that you will be researching the history of the church and your questions, you'd like her to be a part of it, but it's OK if she's not, but you are allowed to expect respect just as much a she is. This gives her the choice, which is an important first step.

I would not go behind her back to your mother in law with how you feel until you talk to your wife first. Doing so may make her feel like she's being betrayed.

Even being as careful as possible, there is no telling how she will react. If she's been going since she's been 8, then she may as well be a born in the church lifetime member. It's going to be difficult for her to hear the truth, even if she hasn't read the bom, the church really isn't about that anyway, it's just a tool they use to draw people in.

You are not on an easy road, I hope that she will listen and that it will be OK. Things can turn out well... I was the BIC husband while my wife went inactive. It can work out, but it's not easy.

Hang in there, and good luck!

on your wife being ready, on some level, to explore a more expanded understanding of the history of the LDS Church.

She probably has a few concerns about things, anyhow. The point, is, I think, to find the one that bothers her the most.
Generally, it works best to start with LDS authors. I'd suggest "In Sacred Loneliness, the Plural Wives of Joseph Smith" by Todd Compton. This book is extremely difficult, emotionally to read. I found that I could only read one story at a time then let it sit.
It is a very raw, historical account that is very surprising to members today.

This is a slow, delicate process. Maybe she will listen to you, maybe not. She needs to have a strong desire to explore.

The relationship needs to take priority over any specific beliefs, in my view. You both have a lot invested that you don't want to destroy.

my wife out of the Church. It's so obviously goofball and is a good place to start with your wife. Also, forcing little kids to sit through sacrament. Trying to do everything the church tells you to do doesn't make sense either. Prioritize.

Hell, every little thing that obviously didn't make sense I would bring up a little at a time. Two years later my wife said she was having doubts. Two months later we both left, along with our 3 little girls

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. My advice, take it slow and show her respect during the process.

of goofball beliefs. Your wife should be able to see that as well.

Say something like you heard about a book you just have to read because it sounded surreal. Tell her you would appreciate a woman's perspective on the topic.

Get Compton's In Sacred Loneliness. This book is written by a good Mormon, so your wife won't dismiss it as "anti." It goes through all the babes JS rounded up. You've have to be really naive not to see Smith as a womanizer.

Say things like this to your wife:

"Since I'm a guy, I'm having a hard time understanding how some of the women JS got sealed to were convinced to leave their husbands. I know the way men think and I'm having a hard time thinking God was telling JS to round up women."

"I want to know for myself if JS had anything in common with Jeffs."

"I feel a little ashamed the way the church puts women under the power of the priesthood. I just don't think a god would need a woman to have a male middleman."

"Can you tell me if you would have gone along with what JS was telling you to do if he asked you to be his sometime secret wife?

"Why did the women think they needed to share one man? What do YOU think about that?"

"I would not want you to share my marital attention. I think it would be wrong for you to be down the hall wondering what I am doing with other women- and told to just accept it."

"Wow, I don't remember the church telling us all these details about Emma. She obviously did not like JS's actions. Isn't it strange the way JS had a revelation to make her go along with it with a threat?" (D&C 132)

"Teenagers? Did you sees the age of these girls? Wow, they are even on the church's genealogy site!"

You get the idea. This topic really pissed me off. It opened the door to the idea that just maybe JS was not who I learned about in church.

Talk to her about the Papyrus fiasco (By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus by Larsen).

Have your MIL read Compton's book....leave it out in places they might pick it up. An outsider would be mortified and see JS was an early Jeffs right away.

Good luck! My husband encouraged me to read, study, and read, read, read. He approached me about how uncomfortable he was about how women were treated in the church. He told me he felt sad when I had to covenant in the temple to obey him while he did not do the same in return. It bothered him when I had to veil my face. It bothered him that I had to have a MALE take me through the veil in the temple. It struck me like a ton of bricks. He was right.

Just as in the movie the Matrix, it is a reality that some people can not be unplugged. It is a very personal journey that someone needs to walk on their own. When you accept and fully believe that the church is true (period) and it is an axiom for you, you will easily ignore the not-so-obvious and easily rationalize the obvious. A person needs to be able to see the contrast between the church beliefs and teachings and what happens in the real world.

They need to see things like how the institutionalized and personal revelation pattern does not work. What I mean is, a RS prays for inspiration for a teacher. Submits a name to the BP. The BP gives here someone else.

If the magic were real, you would see a very strong percentage of 100% matches in requests and placement.

My advice is to let it go. You need to be authentic to yourself, and you need to give her a chance to do the same, and find her path. If you make her defensive, she may never find it.

further, in case you ally yourself with your inlaws in a position against your spouse' position, recall & remember : the human vote factor, being out voted, never changed anyone's inner mind.

oh and pushing it, reprimanding her non conformity with the enormous group * you and whoever else votes with you on this *uh in this case that would be you, and your inlaws, will never push her into chosen authenticity.
Rather it will push her away, or into (if necessity_ dishonesty to form a fake conformity with you & your team which she perceives, or might perceive, are allied against her)

oh and you know that 'you and me against the world!" ? you just lost it.

It could go something like this:
"xcept it was you and me against my family. you and me against their X which always annoyed me. you and me against the injustice in life. got have my lover side with me. WHAT you what? well that's the end. you sided with them. (just like that rat my brother.) you turned out to be some kind of lover."

except you know what- you may not be priveliged to recieve any words, just a change, turned trust, not being believed or perceived or received- as being on her team. its not she married a brother or wanted one to adopt her mother, nor one to compete with for her mother's approval or twitter time textin - competing like a sibling to keep her mom's approval tuned in- go with her mother's opinion against her. Great just like a kiss up brother or sibling rivalry.

taking it well? when the ideas not her own> and she disagreed with her parents? and she married you since you agreed with her against her parent>? & now you think she might find it ideal or be outvoted now you who she chose with views that matched her own and were abberant to her parent- you think she can be bludgeoned out logicaled, manipulated, her life scripted- into a new world view by you? whom she chose since you disagreed with her parents' world view? like she did?
wow.

taking my side against my family. thats loyalty I want in a relationship, always. whenever my family and I disagree I want loyalty to me not my family from my lover. My brother he can be damn loyal to my family. I want my husband loyal to me. just like any lover would be taking my side because they want me to have what I want. omg its like shopping. they want me to have the art supplies or pens I choose- its my life and they love me. so I get what I choose

thats just a boundary. my brother or uncle may deceptively screw me out of money in my family, my parents may be hedging their bets on one kid grooming the inheritee of the family- everyone is competing for time land and money basically in that order seeding chances at competing for land and money through time given, opinions cosied, just kissing up even though the will is done. Until they're dead its never done the competing goes on and on. So in that family my opinion never counts what I want never matters.

with my love, a life of my own- it is all that matters. someone somewhere where my choice matters, what color markers I matters, wall, paint, clothes, friends- my life love, my lover wants me to be happy, he wants me to just have fun. He's fallen in love with me the way I am as he sees me, hears me,perceives me.

why would you choose your inlaws, your spouses' family over what your wife, wants in a life of her own?