"For every ten dollars you pay in tithing, a thousand will come back from the multi-level marketing scam that you started in Provo. This money will be useful for lawyers when you are indicted."
"A missionary is someone who leaves his family for a short time, so that others may have the blessed opportunity to pay a bunch o money and wear funky underwear in order to be in a fictional mormon heaven with a small part of their family for eternity."
Hmmmm. Bit long I suppose. How about:
"A missionary is someone who leaves his family for a short time to irritate the hell out of people who just sat down to watch Mad Men."
'Grandparents, bless your family by going on a mission.'
Don't know how not being there for your grandkids is a 'blessing' to them except that many mormon families are dysfunctional (like mine), so it WOULD be a blessing for that to happen.
Where did we come from? From the pre-existence. Where's that? Stop asking so many questions.
Why are we here? Because someone somewhere was gullible enough to believe the outrageously obvious fibs peddled by Joseph Smith. But mostly we are here to pay tithing and make Joseph Smith's successors (who like to call themselves "General Authorities") feel really important.
Where are we going? Nowhere--and really fast, but not so fast as to not have enough time to write out several tithing checks on the way. Oh, and don't forget to volunteer to scrape boogers off the chapel pew bottoms while you're speedily making your way to nowhere.
sky Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > "For God so loved the world that he gave his only > begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him, may > not perish but have everlasting life." > > > Mormons believe in Jesus Christ,
"For God so hated the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth not in him, may perish and not have everlasting life."
because for as much as mormons scream "we're Christians, too," this is actually the antithesis of what Jesus is supposedly about.
For mormons, it's all about service to the organization while enduring to the end. They entirely miss the point about Christian/humanitarian acts of service.
"It's sacred, not secret" even though those two phrases don't even relate to each other. You can believe something is sacred all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that it is BY DEFINITION secret.
"Sometimes you have to have information before you have inspiration"
--delivered to me with a sheepish grin by a bishopric counselor when I asked him why I wasn't called to be the organist until after they found out I could play.
xophor Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > "Sometimes you have to have information before you > have inspiration" > > --delivered to me with a sheepish grin by a > bishopric counselor when I asked him why I wasn't > called to be the organist until after they found > out I could play.
"Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins (for banging all those 14-year-olds) and in the sinews. Power in the priesthood be upon me and upon my posterity through all generations of time and throughout all eternity."
Let's see what happens after I reveal that token. Yep! Nothing! No bowels gushing out, no decapitation. I'm just fine.