In my race and minority relations class today at UVU, always fun....we were talking about our experiences. One guy said his sister had had a child with a black man, but then married a white guy. So when people come across the white couple with a black child they ask if they child is adopted.

He said that his sister is offended by this. And that she should not be, and that if you have kids like that then you should get used to people asking. This is in Utah county.

Now, my son is inter-racial and I am white. He is adopted, though his daddy looks like him and he looks like our kid if we are together. But I have gotten this same question many many times here also. I think that most of the time it is quite rude to ask that, and it is front of your child. I said it was offensive and everyone jumped all over me and that I should expect that question and that if I didn't get used to it then I would live my life being offended.

I did not grow up here in Utah, thank God. I feel bad sometimes I am raising my son here, but there isn't anything I can do about that, and he is doing fine. Maybe people on the outside of Utah know better?

So do you think it's rude to ask, or we should just deal with it because we chose to have children that didn't match us?

It is rude because unless you disclose the information voluntarily, it's none of their business. Maybe the etiquette hell response is the best: "What an interesting assumption." Then change the subject.

Wow, people are sure nosy. Why do they need to know this? Lots of people adopt kids from all over the world nowadays. It's pretty normal. So why bother asking, esp. if you don't need to know.

I wouldn't be 'offended', just disgusted that they are asking personal questions that are none of their business. It's as bad as people asking when you are planning to have your first/ next kid. Like it's their business.

Just look funny at them and say this is MY son/ daughter and give their name. any more info is private unless it's a doctor insurance person etc.

It is very rode.
If you would ask me than I would ask you back if you are sure that your kids are relay yours.
My question to a woman would be if she needs the address where she can have sex with a Russian guy.

My caucasian friends adopted a daughter from Taiwan. When one of them is alone with the daughter, they get asked what ethnicity the spouse is. They get offended by that question. So basically, people shouldn't ask strangers personal questions like that. :P

I think it is no one's business, but I probably wouldn't waste time getting upset about it.In the overall scheme of things, it is a small issue.

Polite people don't discuss race, religion or politics unless they know the person extremely well.

No, I am not kidding. I wouldn't ask the question and I agree that it is rude, but I am not going to have a stroke if someone else does ask.It isn't that big a deal to me. Whether I would answer would depend on the circumstances and how it was asked.There are a lot worse things that happen every day

But we're not talking about worse things.

We're talking about this.

Racism and Etiquette.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2011 11:37PM by wine country girl.

Give me a break!We have a right to our reactions and feelings. I would not refuse to speak to another person ever again as you said simply because they asked me if my kid were adopted. I think that is over reacting .I agree that it was none of the person's business, but it is hardly something to cut someone off forever over. Assuming the person is otherwise okay, I see that as a huge over reaction. You get upset about whatever you like and allow me the same privelege.There is no law that says I have to agree with your views.Asking if a child is adopted is not necessarily racist. The person could simply be curious as to whether the child is adopted or whether the other parent is of another race. It does not necessarily mean disapproval.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2011 11:43PM by bona dea.

I thought we discussing it passionately.

One should give the inquisitor a dirty look and say "I can't believe you would ask such a question." then walk away and never speak to this person again.

No loss on either side then.

Gosh, you all make me feel better. I thought it was rude, but these young mo's didn't seem to think so. What if they wanted to know about adoption? Well, there are different ways to approach it in a kind way, and you should not just stop someone in a grocery store.

Not that I think being adopted is bad, it's certainly not. I say it if it seems relevant, my kid doesn't care, but he is older. But don't just ask.

Oh, then the kids (I'm a bit older, I could have college age kids myself) were saying that if you marry interacially you are being selfish because you aren't really thinking about the future and what you are going to be putting your kids through....

Aye

Only racists have a problem with an interacial family.

+1

I mean +1 that only racists have a problem with interracial families.

I think the question is totally inappropriate. To be honest, when I see a situation like you describe, I'm curious to know what the story is. But I also realize it's none of my business. If the parents want me to know they'll fill me in. Until then I keep my mouth shut.

It is rude plain and simple. These are peoples children and should never be categorized or qualified. I'm with wine country girl, I would not even answer but just stare in astonishment and take my child for ice cream.

I said something stupid once--and never have made any comment about people's children's appearance, positive or negative.

I was new in our ward, and was visiting teaching, when the woman's daughter came into the room, with some other girls her age. I said, "I don't have to guess which one is your daughter--she looks exactly like your husband!" She does, and her father is a very handsome man.

But, I didn't know the gossip. The woman and her husband had had an affair, when he was the bishop of her ward, when they were both married to somebody else. After a few years, the woman and the bishop were discovered, there was a big scandal, both were excommunicated, they married each other, and started a new life in my new ward. The girl was brought up to be the daughter of the first husband, born in wedlock, BIC, and all this was supposed to be a secret.

A friend of mine was in the Peace Corps on a tiny island in Polynesia. She came home pregnant, but engaged, and the two had a Mormon-type shotgun wedding under the basketball hoop. Her father was the Stake President. Years later, I saw her and her three children at a reunion picnic. It was one of my friends who blabbed-off her mouth, this time: Your younger children are so very blonde! Where did your oldest get his dark skin and kinky hair?" Turns out, our little friend had been raped in a village in Polynesia, and her boyfriend had stepped up to marry her.

Silence is golden!

My favorite reply to rude and random questions is, "I can't believe you asked/said that." Then I turn away, or change the subject.

walk up to people you've Never met...at the mall, etc.

(use a megaphone if you have one handy)

Focus on the person with the kids:

HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

(get the idea?)

I grew up as the only redhead.The other 3 had either dark or light brown hair.
My parents were repeatedly asked whether I was adopted. I don't know whether they were offended or not. I think they just thought it was odd, because I look just like my dad.

And because my brother was so close to me in size, being 2 years younger, folks also often asked whether we were twins,

On a side note, my dad went to get a license, fishing or driver's I don't recall. He was blond, but close-cropped and a bit bald. When putting down hair color, the clerk wrote "bld". Pop took one look at that and said, in a gruff offended voice, "whatta you mean, BALD!?!" The clerk said "oh no, that's BLOND!" Pop started laughing at the kid, because he knew all along the clerk meant "blond".

Susan

It's something I have never really thought about asking anyone myself. But I dont think I would be offended if someone asked. It's a little rude, probably on par with driving slow in the passing lane.

Are your kids adopted, because mommy is way too hot to have had THESE children?

That way NO ONE is offended.

I am a very white mother of a very black daughter.

I have had people ask me if I had an affair or made a mistake.

Last Christmas a room mother asked me about my daughters "HERITAGE" repeatedly and refused to be put off nicely. I said "Excuse me? She then said (in a very annoying high pitched sing song Molly voice) "You know- her family history"

You should have seen this brats face when I responded " I am Swiss and her father is English. My daughter is African American. If you require a more detailed answer- I have done her geneology back to the early 1800's but that little hiccup called slavery makes it a little tricky." I went back to the frosting cookies for the kids since my own cookie was well and truly frosted at that point.

One of my older kids friends asked my daughter where her real mom lived. My daughter told him that her real mom lived down the hall. She added that her birthmother lived in another state. My daughter has an open adoption and a relationship with her birthmom and siblings.

Nice people respect boundaries. I know that every religeon has its share of those that are bulls in china closets about racial sensitivity and feelings-especially when the children are right there or in ear shot. I just havent had a single person who wasnt wearing garments act like this. The funny part is how offended they are when I point it out to them. It doesnt even occur to them to apologize.

"I am Swiss and her father is English. My daughter is African American."

Wouldn't she be Swiss-English-African-American? But that's a lot to say!

I think it's rude to ask. But, I've never been offended when people have asked in the past. I don't know. I'm bi-racial and DH is white. Our children look like neither of us.

I've had three experiences like this and they were all offensive in their own way. My wife is hispanic and I'm typical Utah white. My daughter has dark hair, eyes, and skin.

1. Out of nowhere the cashier at the grocery store asked if my daughter standing right next to me was adopted. She brought it up because she supposedly is trying to adopt.

2. While riding public transportation my daughter and I were discussing the way she had been dressing and wearing her make up. I was trying to get her to dial it down a little and let her know that she is beautiful without it. A guy stepped between us, and asked her if she knew me. She answers, "yeah, uh, he's my dad". He slinkered away.

3. My wife had my daughter going to LDS family services for a while. One day when I took her we checked in at the front desk and the receptionist/appointment lady asked me three times if I was her parent. She needed to have a questionnaire filled out by a parent and she wouldn't believe me. She finally gave me the damn thing after seeing my daughter nod to indicate I was her parent.


It's really kind of crazy because a lot of our facial features are shaped the same, especially our noses and chins. I think people just can't see past the color.

A hundred years ago, I was in grade school and my sister was a toddler. Momma had volunteered to work at the school on picture day, and she brought my sister with her so she could get a picture package of Sis, too.

So, my mother was spiffing my sister up just before her sitting, and one of the other volunteer mommies came up to Momma and admired my sister.

The woman said, "OH! She's SO pretty! Is she adopted?"

My mother had a famous glare. I sure hope she used it at that moment!


~VOW

Ok now that's just bitchy. I am interpreting that to mean the girl is pretty but your mom is ugly so she must be adopted. What a BITCH.

So yeah, the inquiries I've had were technically rude, but never mean-spirited like that. Holy shit!

I have two of each. Nobody would dare ask me why but maybe over here this is quite common anyway.

In the US the increased demographic mix through the generations has given children much more interesting physical characteristics, I suspect to the point where anything can happen.

We roll with it - it keeps the gene pool strong in my opinion.

One of my children is left handed - now that gave him problems, given that he also has red hair and wore spectacles when he was a child. He knows what it feels like to be different all right.

Children hear and digest insensitive comments made to their parents by adults. We don't realise how deeply we can hurt a child by discussing their 'differences' with their parents whilst the child is present.

Briggy

No, that is not ok. It is offensive. Dear Abby had a cloumn once where she told people to respond to things like that with this phrase:

"I will forgive you for asking that, if you will forgive me for not answering it."

I like that, but have never had the courage to actually say it. But I often think that I should ask in return if their nose or boobs are really theirs.

We get asked this question sometimes, because we look so different than our son, and my husband has a very ethnic name and appearance.

I should note--my son is very fair skinned, blond, with green-blue eyes, and we are white, too---but we are very dark-haired and dark-eyed people. I am Italian/German in background and my husband is half Greek (his dad was born there).

I loved it when my son, who is now 8, once responded, "Why do you want to know?", which ended the line of inquiry.

I've stolen it from him and now use it, too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 05:53AM by bookratt.

Inter-racial? Is that politically correct to say in America?

I've gone through that my entire life with my girls, my husband is native. My girls have his coloring although my youngest takes after the belgium side of the family in facial features. It is true, people can't see past the color. She is the spitting image of me when I was younger, only darker.

I've been asked when they were little and we were out and about if I was babysitting someone else's kids, if they were adopted and was asked if I was really sure if they were my kids. My response to that is, "I should know, I was there." Even school secys had to double check that it was my child I came to pick up until they got to know me.

People are just down right ignorant. They take liberties with people and children who are not white then they would with white folk.

I know I have found a gem of a person when someone looks at her and then at me and tells me that she favors me in looks. They are not color blind. :)

Do you really think this question can be answered with yes or no? Do you really think asking such a question is always right or always wrong? I'm not sure.

Some people are easily offended and others don't give a damn. Some people are so curious that innocent questions sound intrusive when they ask them, and others are so discreet that any random question from them seems a welcome sign of genuine interest. Some people say stupid things and you know they don't mean it that way. Some people think thrice before they speak and hence rarely speak at all.

I'm sure there are lots of bigots, but others may mean it well, and many more are somewhere inbetween.

"Why do you ask?" is a good way to start a catfight, or an interesting chat. Give people some credit and exchange views before you agree to disagree. Just my two cents.

"And the reason why you are so concerned about my personal business is ???"

OR

"Did your parents ever try to teach you any manners? Apparently they were not successful."