Posted by:
dogzilla
(
)
Date: September 16, 2011 10:07AM
Rather than lying, why don't you rehearse and prepare some vague generalities that she might like hearing?
A. I don't think she's going to be able to loosen up her uptight-ness enough to feel comfortable talking to a sex counselor, although I think she would benefit greatly. I also think she would benefit greatly from doing some self-esteem work and I'd recommend "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" (book comes with a workbook) by Nathaniel Brandon (spelling dubious). I also think that introducing toys or fantasy role-playing might be a bit much for her at this point. Maybe start up those discussions in a few years when you're both more comfortable and experienced with each other. Usually, that sort of thing becomes a part of the sexual repertoire to keep things sparking after they get a bit boring. You two are still learning about sex (what you like, what you don't) and so I just don't think you're there yet.
B. I don't think lying is really a great idea because she might be able to tell if you're lying and you might trip yourself up later.
C. Saying nothing or putting her off with a "none of your beeswax" will be off-putting to her.
I learned a long time ago not to ask guys that. The reason I asked it (maybe start this discussion fully clothed, in the light of day) was because I was getting no verbal or vocal feedback whatsoever. Without hearing that I'm special or especially attractive to my partner, I have no way of knowing if it even matters to him which vagina he's humping. So, sometimes, we need to hear it. Usually the answer I got was "Honestly, my mind is a blank." And that is probably true about half the time.
So I'm thinking about phrases like "I was thinking about how beautiful you look in this light" or choose a body part of hers that you KNOW she's a little proud of (nice rack, nice booty, whatever SHE thinks her best assets are) and talk about how hot that part is and what you want to do with it.
Or you could just look her dead in the eye and tell her you were thinking about how much you love her and how much you love being with her in that moment.
Some questions (And these are none of my business, so feel free to ignore them) for you to think about:
• Is she having orgasms? That right there would take the focus of what YOU are thinking and put it squarely on where she is in the process. If she's not, then she needs to learn how. And yes, it is not an innate instinctive thing for women. We often have to learn how to relax and let go and let our bodies build up to do what they do. This is where toys might be useful, but she might want to try them in private first or she might not feel comfortable using them without you. So that is a fully-clothed, in-the-light-of-day discussion.
• Is there a garment factor at play here? Is she wearing garments and is that a turn off for you (assuming it is if she's wearing them)? Can she be talked into trading those out for lingerie ONLY for fun sexxy time? What if you took her to VS and went shopping with her? (One of my favorite dates with my BF -- when we first got together -- was going to the adult stores and letting him choose outfits and costumes. Then we'd cram ourselves in the dressing room and I'd try stuff on, let him take pix with his phone of things he really liked. We'd settle on something we both liked and then I'd buy it and we'd go home and play with it. It was a really neat way to find out what each other liked without having to have an awkward kitchen table discussion. And it was a turn on to watch him watching me try on slutty outfits. Now that I mention this, I think it's time for another shopping trip. ;>))
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Anecdote:
At the very end of my last relationship, I was, you know, having sex with my boyfriend. I was SO not into it. I remember laying there thinking, "I am not going to get off. This is boring. I wonder if he'll last much longer. Maybe I should paint the ceiling to match the walls." ;>) He was pumping away, totally into it.
And then I thought to myself, "Well, this is stupid. Why should I just lie here and wait for him to finish when I could be getting off too?"
So I started thinking about a guy friend with whom I'd just rekindled a friendship (and had dated a bit the previous year). BOOM! About 38 seconds later, all the bells and whistles went off in what was a really mindblowing O. Of course I did not mention to him that the reason I enjoyed myself so much was because I was totally thinking of someone else. I let him just be happy thinking he'd done something awesome. :: yawn :: :>)
I knew in that moment that my relationship with the guy was totally over because I wanted to be with the friend -- the thought of whom did the trick. I broke up with the guy shortly after that. And right after that, I got together with the friend. Who is now my Friend. ;>) And we are blissfully happy. I do not ask him what he is thinking about, but that's because we are into some very kinky stuff and I don't need to ask.
For some women (me included, evidently) fantasizing about another is an indicator that I'm not feeling connected to the person I'm with. So I think your DW is not feeling the connection for some reason. Maybe you're too quiet and she's getting no feedback, so she's guessing that you're not even thinking about her. I don't know about anyone else, but I cannot stand silent sex. No moaning, no whispering, no dirty talk... makes me think it's just maintenance sex and that it's not about the people involved -- it could be anyone, as long as he's getting off. I've been known to ask for feedback -- and I give very enthusiastic feedback myself so he knows I'm loving every minute of his lovin'. He never has to ask if it was good for me (his ears are still ringing from the screaming, so he probably wouldn't be able to hear the answer anyway).
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2011 10:11AM by dogzilla.